Chapter 13 Ryder
RYDER
Things had begun to change, somehow, and I didn’t know when.
He’d begun to shift, and so had I, until I barely recognized who I’d become.
I barely recognized him either. He wasn’t the same person who had first taken me captive, though I was pretty damn sure he’d throw me back into the basement if I started to misbehave.
There was a large part of me that wanted to test him just to see.
And maybe that part of me wanted him to so this tentative bond between us could be obliterated. I didn’t want to want him. I didn’t want to be there.
I didn’t want to enjoy playing with him.
It hadn’t been until he’d told me to call him master that it had worn off. Reality had slammed back into me like a blow, reminding me that this wasn’t willing even though I’d promised him I’d try.
It had been sort of… fun.
That realization took something else out of me.
I couldn’t just sit there and take it, not then, not anymore. I didn’t want to get punished. I didn’t want to end up back in the basement. But at the same time, I’d had fun chasing a red dot across the floor. I’d enjoyed wiggling my ass like a cat and pretending I was something other than I was.
How could I live with myself when that was happening to me?
It was enough to make panic surge inside of me, leaving me trapped in its grasp.
“Come on,” he said, standing up at long last.
He was always telling me to come and go, to follow him or lock myself back away in the kennel. I rarely got the chance to just… sit there and be.
I didn’t move.
He frowned at me. “Toby, come on.” He gestured to the hallway behind him. “It’s time to eat.”
I was hungry, but not hungry enough to follow him. I had to break his hold on me before I lost myself entirely. If that meant pissing him off enough to see what he’d do to me when he lost his temper, I had to do it.
I had to.
My heart raced, and I swallowed around the lump in my throat. I didn’t want to do this. So badly, I did not want to do this, and I almost caved in because of the sheer force of my fear. I didn’t want things to go back to how they’d been.
But what would happen if they didn’t?
“Toby,” he repeated, his voice wrought with steel, edged with that darkness that surrounded him when I didn’t do what he said.
I cringed, everything in my body screaming out for me to yield, to submit to him, to just give in before I upset him.
But what about me? What had happened to me, to where I was so damn willing to give up myself to make someone else happy? It wasn’t fair that I had to always do what he said for fear of punishment.
Then again, this had never been about what was fair.
If it was fair, I’d still be on campus, living my life oblivious to the sort of beasts lurking just out of my sight.
I mean, I’d known there were psychos in the world, but it had never seemed real to me — not until I’d been stolen away from everything I’d known.
“Toby!”
I jerked, the fear becoming overwhelming.
I wanted so badly to give in, so badly I started to move in his direction without even realizing it.
Once I did, I settled back down on the floor, refusing to move.
I considered going to the kennel and shutting myself inside before he could respond, but he was already moving, already grabbing the collar around my throat and yanking me up.
I scrambled onto my knees, up off the ground, lifting my head as I sought to relieve the pressure.
“I told you to come,” he said, familiar darkness swirling in his eyes, tainting his gaze and making him seem monstrous as his scars twisted into an ugly expression. “Why are you disobeying me? You were doing so well.”
I shook my head as much as I could. That was the problem. I wasn’t going to tell him that, but that was the fucking problem. I was doing so well. I was doing too well.
I was lost.
“No,” I whimpered, trying to shy away from him and failing miserably.
“Excuse me?” he demanded.
I could take his out. I could surrender. I could do what he’d asked and plead for his forgiveness.
Instead, I said nothing, did nothing, as my fear started to escalate.
He snarled then grabbed me by the back of my neck. “I’m giving you one last chance to obey me, Toby. You do not want to piss me off.”
One last chance. I could give in. I’d still be punished, I was sure, but it wouldn’t be as bad as it would be if he had to… do whatever it was he was thinking about doing.
I almost spoke, almost croaked out an apology and cowered like a fucking dog. I stopped myself, only barely, whimpering and closing my eyes as I braced myself for what was coming.
He dropped me then attached a lead to the cat collar around my throat, the thin band digging into my skin as he started to pull me toward the door. I resisted as much as I could, but it hurt, and he didn’t relent. I had to scramble after him before the pressure got to be too much.
He got what he wanted, but I fought him like a fish on a hook, making him work for every step.
Finally, he growled and snatched me up, tossing me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. My heart raced faster and faster as he started in the direction of…
The basement.
I’d half-hoped he’d just take me into the kitchen by force, but no.
He was going further than that. He was going to punish me for disobeying, and it was all I could do not to beg him to forgive me.
I didn’t want to ask him, didn’t want to give in so very much, but I was terrified about being returned to the cage.
To being a pup.
To being his pup.
He wasn’t going to let me continue being a kitten when I’d pushed him so hard.
I choked back a sob, knowing I’d given up all the ground I’d gained. Everything I’d worked for vanished in that instant, and I was returned to being his captive once more. That was all I was, and he was so pissed off at me that I couldn’t be sure it wouldn’t be worse this time around.
And I did not want it to be worse.
I bit my lip so hard I could taste blood as he hauled me over to the cage.
He set me down on the dog bed more gently than I’d expected considering his fury, but he left me there.
He slammed the door behind him, the sound of the lock clicking into place more frightening than it had ever been.
I scrambled up, and I spoke before I could stop myself as I realized I was going to be alone in that hellhole again. “Please—”
“Too late, Toby,” he snapped. “You should’ve listened before. You knew better.”
I had known better. But there had been a part of me that had thought… had thought that maybe…
Maybe he wouldn’t react so strongly. Maybe he’d be closer to the man he’d become than the beast I knew he could be.
I’d been wrong — or right, really, because I’d dreaded this as a real possibility. I’d known he was going to react like this or worse, but I’d done it anyway. I’d done it, and now I was paying for it.
It was terrifying, and it was a relief, because there was no way I could have fond feelings toward the man who had shoved me back into a cell in the basement because I’d refused to come when he’d told me to.
Except there was disappointment and misery mixed in with the rest, too.
I’d hoped I’d be wrong.
So help me, I’d wanted to be wrong, even though that meant it would be that much harder to hate him.
This would help, though. This would return me to what I’d been. This would be so good for me, so much better than kissing him and sucking him and chasing a fucking red dot across the floor…
Except it wasn’t, and I already missed the comfort of the upstairs — where it was warm and dry, where I wasn’t locked away like an animal because of his rage.
I stayed silent then, knowing nothing I could say would affect him. He was too angry to listen, and even if I’d wanted to apologize — so help me, I did want to apologize — I wouldn’t have been able to.
I reminded myself that this was the man who had taken me — this, right here, not the man who had kissed me and been gentle with me. This was what always lurked beneath the surface, just waiting to emerge. I’d needed this reminder even as I hated it.
How much of what had happened been real? If he could turn on me this quickly…
I swallowed hard, staring down at the basement floor instead of looking up at him.
“When you’re ready to behave,’ he said coldly, “just let out a little bark.”
Something within me wilted, threatening to die, as he relegated me back to what I’d been. I didn’t know how he could change so easily back into the monster he’d been, yet I’d known it was going to happen.
Why was I wishing so fucking hard that I’d been wrong?
“Do you understand me, Toby?”
I didn’t dare refuse to answer then. I nodded to him, trembling as I clutched the blanket so tightly my knuckles turned white.
“I said, do you understand me?” he demanded.
“Yes… Master,” I whispered, hating myself for responding, hating him for forcing me here and confirming every negative thought I’d ever had about him.
Why had I thought he could be something more?
Why the fuck did I care?
He nodded curtly, spinning on his heel and taking a few steps in the direction of the stairs. He paused, though, and turned his head to look at me. Something flickered across his expression, something unreadable, and for a moment…
For a moment, I thought he might change his mind.
Hope surged within me, and I desperately wished I was right. He was going to let me out of here. He wasn’t going to punish me for one act of disobedience when I’d done so well—
Then he shook his head and turned back for the stairs, stomping up them and getting to the door. He yanked it open and slammed it behind him with a resounding sound, and it seemed like it echoed across the entire basement as he did.
I flinched, my fingers cramping from how tightly I held the blanket in my hands. It wasn’t going to help. Nothing was going to help.
And so fucking help me, tears started to spill from my eyes.
I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t help it. Once I’d started, I couldn’t stop, and soon I was outright bawling into my hands. I wept and wept, crying all the tears I hadn’t let loose since I’d been there.
I mourned my life — my home, my girlfriend, fuck, I even mourned my classes.
I mourned the loss of the person I’d been.
I’d been so fucking innocent — so ignorant, really — and now… Now I was here, trapped in the basement of a madman I’d thought could be so much more, and I didn’t know if I’d ever see daylight again…
I didn’t know what would be left of me if I did.