Chapter 21 #2
Elizabeth remembered the conversation and blushed.
It had happened only a short time ago, yet it seemed much more distant.
That evening, under the influence of the wedding and all its happiness, she had been far more inclined to marry Darcy.
The ceremony had been so beautiful that every unmarried lady present must have imagined her own wedding day.
Then came the signing of the register, and for a moment she had almost forgotten she was a witness and imagined herself the bride.
Strong emotions had overtaken her, and before the day was over, she had told her aunt she was ready to marry.
“It was the wedding that made me wish to get married.”
“I observed more than a wish, my dear. Most certainly, your decision was not inspired entirely by the occasion; I could see you have feelings for that gentleman.”
“True. But since coming to London…I reflected a great deal on feelings, love, and London. I am not sure where I stand today. I do not like London enough to wish to spend my life here. I admire the duchess, but the ton, their habits, their balls, their visits and dinners. I am not sure. Everyone expects me to change, to fit into their ways and acquire new friends.”
“Stop, stop! You have only been here a few days and have met little beyond the duchess and one other family. Perhaps you will find people more to your liking. Do not judge so quickly.”
“Yes, I believe you are right.”
“Of course I am right. Now tell me more about the other subject—feelings, love, other young gentlemen.”
Elizabeth looked genuinely confused. Mrs Gardiner discreetly gestured towards the pianoforte, where Mary was playing under the duchess’s supervision whilst Mr Kendall helped her turn the pages.
“That gentleman is kindly assisting Mary, but he has cast at least ten glances in our direction. And I do not imagine I am the object of his attention.”
Elizabeth immediately turned crimson. The strength of her reaction surprised even Mrs Gardiner.
“What about him?” Elizabeth asked, her eyes flying at once towards Mr Kendall.
“What about him? Suddenly, you are no longer certain that you wish to marry Mr Darcy. You have agreed to riding lessons when, in twenty years, nobody could persuade you to come within three yards of a horse—”
“Aunt Gardiner!” Elizabeth protested.
Yet Mr Kendall’s gaze met hers again, and she realised her aunt had observed correctly.
More than once that evening, he had been watching her.
The discovery unsettled her. Mr Kendall had attracted her notice precisely because he was so unlike the Darcy she had first met at Netherfield.
There was no trace of conceit, contempt, or disdain.
He was a simple man, grateful to have recovered the family he had lost with his mother’s death.
In a few quiet words, she explained as much to her aunt.
“Are you in love?” Mrs Gardiner asked, with a touch of concern.
“In love like Jane? No. I feel a great deal of friendship.”
“My dear, there are no different kinds of love. Love is love.”
“I am not sure of that, at least not in my case!”
Elizabeth could never imagine loving anyone as Jane loved. When she suffered after Kent, nobody knew of it because she herself refused to regard it as a tragedy. Unlike Jane, she had not mourned a lost attachment but struggled to forget a painful and humiliating event.
Nevertheless, Mrs Gardiner remained unconvinced. “The feeling may express itself differently in each of us, but if you tell me that you love two men, then for one of them you feel only friendship. A woman may love only one man at a time. If you love Mr Kendall, then Mr Darcy is already forgotten.”
“I do not love him!” Elizabeth protested, almost as if accused of some offence.
“I only need time to decide. There have been too many changes in our lives. I am happy, but I am also unsettled. Two months ago, I was an ordinary young lady. Now I am meeting earls and duchesses, and I possess a dowry that allows me to do whatever I choose with my future. Are you saying that Mr Darcy is more suitable for me?”
“No, Lizzy. The last thing I would ever do is interfere in such a decision. We have already seen the consequences of that sort of interference when Mr Darcy advised his friend.”
“It is not the same. I like hearing your opinion because you never force your advice upon me.”
“And you are not Mr Bingley,” Mrs Gardiner replied kindly.
She was very fond of Jane’s husband, but she knew him to be a man who trusted too readily. Jane did the same. They were perfectly suited to one another, and Elizabeth was right in one respect: few people loved as they did.
“I am not Mr Bingley, but is it so terrible to resemble him? He may have been weak when listening to others, but he loves so deeply that even the ocean seems shallow beside him.”
“I have observed Mr Kendall, and he is very different from Mr Darcy.”
“And if I ever decide to forget Mr Darcy, it will be someone very different that I seek. I do not wish to replace Mr Darcy with another Mr Darcy.”
“You wish to replace Mr Darcy?” Mrs Gardiner asked, this time with genuine alarm.
“I do not know! I have only just arrived in London. Allow me a little time to adjust.”
“A moment ago, you declared you had no desire to adjust to this society.”
“Do not pay attention to everything I say! I am enjoying London, but it also frightens me. I enjoy discovering new things, but I do not wish for life to become permanent. I do not want my daughters raised with the sole ambition of gaining admission to Almack’s on Wednesdays.
Still, I should very much like to go there once. ”
“You were far more decided in the past.”
“Because before Uncle Thomas arrived, life offered me very few possibilities. My future began and ended in Meryton. Now it feels as though everything lies open before me. Even today, I met another gentleman.”
“Yes, but until now, you have not spoken of young Wimborne. Yet I can see you are not indifferent to Mr Kendall’s appearance.”
“Mr Kendall is like me. For years, he did not even know he was the grandson of a duke. He was raised in a tradesman’s household, without rigid rules or elaborate manners.”
“Please do not forget that he is not as refined as Mr Darcy.”
“How can you say that after a single dinner?”
Mrs Gardiner could have offered several reasons.
“He is polite, but he lacks polish. He is well-read, but not cultivated. Things of that sort. And, of course, he does not possess a fortune.”
“Perhaps that is exactly what appeals to me now that Mama is no longer urging me to secure a husband with a large income,” Elizabeth replied with a smile.
“You were never interested in wealth, Lizzy.”
“No, but before it was only a dream. When I refused Mr Darcy in Kent, one of my regrets concerned my family. I defended their honour, yet I denied them the prosperity his offer might have brought. It was a very strange situation.”
Mrs Gardiner nodded. She understood only too well the anxieties Elizabeth referred to. She herself had discussed them many times with her husband. What would become of the Bennets when Mr Bennet was gone, and Longbourn passed into other hands?
“Lizzy, permit me to say something that you may not like to hear.”
“Anything, dear aunt.”
A slight hesitation appeared upon Mrs Gardiner’s countenance, but she continued, convinced that the truth ought to be spoken.
“Remember, Mr Wickham.”
Elizabeth blushed and lowered her eyes, but remained silent.
“For a short time, you were interested in that gentleman, and there was nothing wrong in it. A young lady may enjoy admiration before marriage—”
“Do you think that is what I am doing?” Elizabeth asked, genuinely troubled. She had always associated such behaviour with Lydia and considered it far from proper.
“Yes, and I did the same when I was young.”
“But Jane is different.”
“Yes, but that does not make her the measure of everyone else.”
“Yet you are warning me to be careful,” Elizabeth murmured.
“I am telling you that this fortune has had a curious effect upon you. It has given you freedom, yet it has also made your choice more difficult. You weigh and consider where once you would have trusted your feelings.”
“I am confused,” Elizabeth admitted.
Mrs Gardiner immediately drew her into an embrace.
“I know, my dear. But you are a strong woman, and neither fortune nor the ton will alter who you are. You will find your way. Of that I am certain.”