Chapter 16 Three months later #2
‘That’s not true. The problem round that table wasn’t with me. It was with you and your new boyfriend.’ She makes a point of struggling over saying new boyfriend.
‘What? There’s no problem between me and Jordan. Jordan is great. As you would have learned if you’d have taken any interest in him. Instead, you showed him a deliberate lack of interest. It was bloody rude.’
I expect a retaliation, the next hit in one of these ping pong arguments we sometimes have that go on for far too long, as neither of us is ever willing to be the first to admit any wrongdoing, but instead she takes a breath.
Her shoulders uncurl a little from where they’ve been up by her ears, and she nods in agreement.
‘You’re right. I have been rude today. Jordan’s clearly very nice, and that wasn’t on.
I’ll apologise to him. But truthfully, it’s not him I’m interested in.
It’s you. Seeing how you are with him. Or how you’re not with him.
You’re not silly and goofy and clumsy and bright-eyed and all the things I thought you would have been when you met the right person.
I’d noticed it before, but never more so than today.
Where’s the excitement, Lizzie? I don’t hear it in your voice when you talk about him, and I don’t see it when you’re together.
You’re so …’ she struggles to reach for the right words.
‘So still, so composed. Sorry, but I don’t think he’s who you’re meant to be with. ’
‘Jesus, Mum. I don’t need to crumble in front of a man to show I’m interested. It’s probably quite a good thing that I can be with someone and still hold a rational conversation, don’t you think?’
She gives me the disapproving look I always get when I’m being smart with her.
A fraught silence opens up between us that gives me time to consider what she’s said.
She’s not the only one who has noticed I’ve not exactly been jumping around with glee these last few months.
Karina and Teddy have both commented on how surprised they are with how I’ve been in this relationship, how very not-Lizzie I’ve been about Jordan.
But it doesn’t mean anything is wrong. I’d say the opposite.
This is a mature relationship, and the people in my life aren’t used to me having many of those.
‘Maybe I’m not the same in this relationship as I might have been in the past with boys, but I’m happy, Mum.
I wanted to meet someone different, someone who could offer me a relationship completely unlike the ones I’ve had before, and I’ve got that. He’s great. We’re great.’
‘Are you, though?’
She looks me right in the eye as she always does when she wants to make sure she’s getting a truthful answer out of me.
I try not to, but I can’t help looking away.
It’s like she wants me to convince her that Jordan is the one, that I’ve got this exactly right.
But the truth is, I can’t say that yet. I settle for, ‘I think so.’
She considers my answer. ‘I think so,’ she repeats.
‘See, that’s definitely not the Lizzie I know.
Ever since you were little, you’ve always been waiting for something amazing to come along.
Your whole childhood you were on count down for the next big thing – Christmas or a birthday or a holiday or the first day of high school.
Whenever those days came, you threw yourself into them.
You made sure they were amazing because that’s what you needed them to be.
You’d always find a way to make them special.
You’re a romantic, Lizzie. Not just with love but with everything.
You do a job you adore, that you’re passionate about.
You love your friends fiercely. You believe in soulmates.
You’ve spent so long looking for that special someone who will become the love of your life, so to hear you say I think so about the person you’ve chosen to be with … ? It makes me worried.’
I glance at the shut door, imagine Jordan sitting on the other side, sitting on Mum’s leather sofa watching TV and waiting for me to get back to him. I smile and turn back to Mum.
‘You don’t need to be worried. I’m with someone who treats me well, who is kind and loving. You should be delighted.’
‘I’d like to be, but I’ve watched you today.
It’s why I asked you both over. I can tell he’s all the things you say he is, but it doesn’t mean he’s right for you.
There’s a lot going on right now with your friends, and I can imagine how surprised you’ve been with how that ex-boyfriend plan of yours turned out.
It would be natural for you to feel a bit at sea, to want to cling to someone.
I just don’t want you to cling on to the wrong person. ’
Suddenly, I’ve had enough. Enough of trying to prove to her that I’m capable of making a good decision over my love life, enough of trying to convince myself.
I’ve been waiting for tonight for weeks, and I know if we go any further in this conversation, I won’t be able to leave it behind.
I’ll end up dragging it round all night, replaying it instead of having the incredible time I’m planning on having.
‘Stop,’ I tell her. ‘Please. Listen to me when I say you don’t need to worry about any of this.
I know what I’m doing. And anyway,’ I say, starting to smile, ‘I’ve got more important things to think about, starting with how the hell I’m going to squeeze into the dress I was planning on wearing after eating three kilos of curry and rice. ’
She scrutinises me for a few seconds before her face softens.
Mum knows me well enough to know that it’s time to move on from this conversation.
She lets out a long breath. ‘You’re right.
I’ve said what I needed to. You’re a grown woman, and I know you’ll do what’s right.
Which includes getting a move on otherwise you’ll be late for the event of the year. ’
She’s not wrong. I’ve been excited for tonight for weeks. Nervous too, about who will be there and how it will go after months of living in my bubble. Now it’s finally here, and I’m going into it off the back of Mum telling me I’ve got my love life wrong.
‘Speaking of which, we should go. You sure you’re not coming? She’d love to have you there.’
Mum’s face lights up at the thought of Karina inviting her tonight. ‘No, tonight’s for you young ones, but give her all my love and have an amazing time.’
By the time Mum has gone to her purse and put twenty pounds in my hand to buy me, Karina and Teddy a drink and has asked me repeatedly to send her pictures of us all dressed up, she’s put herself in a much better mood.
She manages to return the sheepish hug Jordan gives her as we’re leaving and sounds almost genuine when she tells him she’s looking forward to seeing him again soon.
But going by the deep crease between her eyes as she watches us leave, that doesn’t mean she’s laid aside any of the misgivings she has about us.