Chapter 19
The rest of the week, I hide.
I cancel my usual Tuesday drinks with the girls, don’t take Mum up on the offer of a Costa after work on Thursday night and, especially, I hide from Elliot in school.
I make sure I don’t walk on the corridors without a stack of papers in my hand, so I look like I’m heading to the photocopier – an event that causes all teachers to leg it down the halls in order to avoid the snarling queues that back up if you don’t make it early enough.
When there’s a staff meeting, I position myself in the middle of the English department rather than at the periphery where Elliot might be tempted to sit next to me.
I don’t tell anyone about the break-up. The obvious question that always follows a break-up announcement is why, and it’s exactly that question I don’t want to answer.
Not to anyone, barely even to myself. It’s not because I’m not sure why, or I don’t agree with Jordan’s reasons.
It’s because I do. Completely. I know the reason we’re not together is Elliot, and that the whole time we’ve been dating, I’ve been thinking about Elliot way more than I should have been.
And worse than that, I know my thoughts about Jordan and our relationship have often been a reaction to something Elliot’s said or done, or a reaction to my jealousy about him and Teddy getting on so well.
If Teddy and Elliot hadn’t worked out, if Elliot had acted the way I thought he would and had broken up with Teddy after their first few dates, I can’t honestly say Jordan and I would have lasted so long, and that makes me feel terrible because who the hell wants to be with someone who decides the state of their relationship based on someone else’s? I’m ashamed of myself.
I’d been trying so hard not to admit my feelings for Elliot, but Jordan dumping me has been another big fat reminder that Elliot is definitely no longer just a friend in my eyes.
He’s turned into the person I can’t stop thinking about, the person I dream about every night, the person who can make my skin colour and my heart beat so fast it makes me feel a little sick just being in the same room as him – and he’s dating one of my best friends.
So, yeah. It’s better that I hide. The only way I’m going to get over Elliot and this horrible situation that makes my stomach hurt when I think about it too much, which is all the time, is to avoid seeing Elliot or talking about Elliot as much as humanly possible.
Only, I can’t hide on Saturday. Much as I want to stay on the couch under my duvet eating Oreos and watching re-runs of Bridgerton, I’ve promised I’ll drive Karina and Teddy to Knutsford, a quaint town forty minutes away so we can visit Lace and Lavender, a wedding dress shop Karina is desperate to go to.
She’s so excited about trying on dresses and having Teddy and I sitting outside the changing room, drinking prosecco as we wait to give our honest verdicts, I’d be the cruellest friend on the planet to cancel.
I pick Karina up first and let her do most of the talking about the kind of dresses she wants to try on, and how Matthew has asked her to send pictures, which she’s flat out refused to do.
We wait outside Teddy’s for ten minutes while she finishes getting ready.
She’s in such a fluster when she gets in the car, telling us how she’d been summoned into work for three hours this morning to run the office because Ed and another two of the estate agents had all been on a bender and were too hungover to open up, that we get half way to Knutsford before the conversation turns to me.
‘You’re quiet,’ Karina notices. ‘Everything OK?’
‘Yeah, all good,’ I lie.
I keep my eyes on the road but can feel Karina scrutinising me from the passenger seat.
‘You sure? You don’t seem anywhere near as carried away by the fact we’re going wedding dress shopping as I thought you’d be.
I was bracing myself for long speeches about how this was a seminal moment in our friendship, in our lives.
To be honest, I kind of expected tears by now. ’
I’m able to turn to her then. ‘Trust me, it’s coming.
And it is a seminal moment in our lives.
I can’t wait to see you in those dresses.
You’re going to be the most beautiful bride this shop has ever seen.
It’s just that, well, Jordan and I broke up this week.
I didn’t what it to be the focus of the day, when it’s very much about celebrating you, Kar! ’
It’s a good job I’m the one driving, as judging by the gasps from Teddy and Karina, and the way their necks turn towards me, if either one of them was behind the wheel, they’d be swerving into incoming traffic about now.
‘Oh my God. What happened?’ Teddy asks, her voice three notches higher than normal and full of sympathy. I’m aware that now it’s out, Teddy is obviously going to tell Elliot, so I try to downplay the truth as much as I can, especially any mention of the real reason behind us breaking up.
‘Things between us ran their course, that’s all.’ I hope that’s enough.
‘Bullshit,’ Karina practically shouts. ‘You were great together. Was it you who ended it or him? If it’s him, I can speak to him, tell him he’s certifiably lost his mind.’
‘No, no. Don’t do that. I’m fine. We ran out of steam, that’s all. It was great while it lasted, but it was never going to be long term between us.’
‘Really?’ Teddy asks. ‘I was sure that was exactly what it was going to be between you.’
‘Nope.’
‘Wow,’ Teddy utters.
‘Yeah. Wow,’ Karina agrees.
They try to get more information, but I stick to the vaguest of explanations and eventually they give up, knowing it’s pointless to push for more right now. The conversation moves back to Teddy and what a shit her boss is.
‘The problem is, he’s not just a knob, he’s a vindictive knob.
If I was to try to get another job at another estate agency, he’s the kind of prick who will give me a bad reference out of spite because he’s pissed off I’m leaving,’ Teddy is telling us as we make our way down High Street, walking in single file on the narrow pavement as we try to find Lace and Lavender.
‘I get that, but you can’t spend the rest of your life being blackmailed into staying, can you? We’ll figure something out, I promise, but I think that’s the shop up ahead.’
The white oak front door of Lace and Lavender is surrounded by a white flower arch. Inside, there are rows of silk dresses and pink velvet chairs in the middle next to gold tables and vases of white flowers. It’s beautiful, but Karina doesn’t open the door to rush in, instead she turns to us.
‘I’m sorry you’re having such a shit time at work, Ted, and I’m sorry about you and Jordan, Lizzie, I really am, but do you think we could possibly put all that on hold for the next hour while we’re in here?
I know it’s selfish of me, but this is something I’ve been looking forward to since I got engaged, and I’d really like it if, for the next hour or so, my two bridesmaids could be ridiculously, over the top excited about this, too. ’
Teddy and I exchange a look. ‘Bridesmaids?’ I repeat.
‘You’re asking us? Not your sister or your cousins?’
Karina rolls her eyes, but there’s a twitch of a smile too. ‘Of course I’m asking you two. There’s no one else I’d want but the two of you. I kind of thought you’d have worked that out by yourselves.’
‘I’d love nothing more than to be your bridesmaid,’ I tell her before wiping away the tears that have pooled in the corners of my eyes.
‘Me too,’ says Teddy, also wiping her eyes.
‘That’s more like it,’ Karina tells us. ‘Now keep that energy up when we get inside.’
‘Deal,’ I say, laugh-sniffing.
We walk in smiling and emotional and as soon as we enter, the magic of the shop weaves its way around us.
The owner, a platinum blonde woman in her fifties called Christine, beams as she walks over the greet us.
We’re presenting as the exact opposite of level-headed negotiators this afternoon, and she must be sure she’s going to make a killing.
After serving us all a glass of champagne, which I’ll likely only take a sip of due to being the designated driver, she whisks Karina away, guiding her through the racks of full netted meringue dresses to dresses that are half material, half sheer lace to slinky silk numbers that will cling to every curve.
Karina picks out at least half a dozen dresses all in different styles and orders us to sit on the pink chairs while she goes to try them on. We’re instructed to be honest, but I already know they are all going to look amazing.
‘I’m sorry things are so tough with work right now,’ I say quietly to Teddy when Karina is behind the velvet curtain of the changing room.
‘It’s fine,’ Teddy tells me, but she lets the smile drop off her face for the first time since we came into the shop, and I notice how tired she looks.
‘What does Elliot think you should do?’
I know I’m going completely against my plan. I wasn’t going to mention his name at all today if I could help it, but one thing I know about Elliot is that if he knows Teddy has a problem, he’ll do his best to come up with a solution.
‘He says the same as you guys, that I need to leave, that I can’t be beholden to Ed for the rest of my life, but I don’t know.’
‘What?’
‘It’s not just the job. I don’t know what it is, but I’m not sure he sees how unhappy I am.’
Her words are a punch to my gut. I hate that she’s feeling unhappy.
It’s not just Elliot who hadn’t seen that, and my stomach twists when I realise that I hadn’t noticed.
Yes, there’d been a few times we’d met recently when she seemed a little down, a little low on energy and she told us she was tired, but I’d not read anything into it other than general work stress.
I should have done, though. ‘I’m so sorry, Teddy. I didn’t know things had got so bad.’
‘No, I don’t think I did either. I can’t help but feel it recently. I’ve got you guys, I’ve got Elliot, and I’ve got my family, but most days I come home and feel miserable.’
I reach for her hand and squeeze it tightly. ‘What can we do to make you feel better?’
‘I don’t know. I guess I need to figure that out. Something’s not right, but I won’t know what to do until I know what that is.’
‘We’ll figure it out then. We will. Does Elliot know this?’
She lowers her head and gives me a look as if to say are you out of your mind. ‘It’s not exactly the cheering news you want to share with your relatively new boyfriend, is it?’
‘You should tell him,’ I say gently. ‘He’ll help.’
Given I now possess a new level of can’t-sleep-thinking-about-it understanding of the fact I’m covered in feelings for Elliot, I wouldn’t have guessed before today that I’d be actively encouraging Teddy and Elliot to get closer, but what I’m saying is true.
If Elliot knows how Teddy’s feeling, he’ll do his best to support her. I know he will.
‘Yeah, you’re right,’ she agrees before her attention snaps away from me. The fitting room curtain is pulled back by a triumphant-looking Christine, and Karina emerges wearing the first of the wedding dresses she’s chosen.
‘Ta-dah,’ Christine trills.
‘Holy shit,’ Teddy gets in just as my mouth is opening to say the same.
‘You look incredible,’ I tell Karina.
‘I know,’ she agrees.
She’s wearing the most beautiful dress I’ve ever seen. Tight, slim-fitting and entirely backless, it looks as if it was made especially for her. We all watch in awe as she swishes from side to side, the diamonds sewn into the small fish-tail train catching the light perfectly as she does.
‘I love it. I love it so much.’
‘Do you think this is the one?’ Teddy asks. All trace of the exhaustion she’d revealed to me a moment ago has disappeared as she beams at Karina.
‘I don’t know. I was only meant to be coming here today to have a bit of fun trying on the dresses.
Christ, we’ve not even booked the wedding yet.
I wasn’t meant to be finding the one I actually wanted, and I really wasn’t meant to be buying a dress.
There’s absolutely no way I can afford any of the gowns in here,’ Karina admits.
Christine’s face bunches up, and she looks so offended, I’m worried she’s going to order Karina off the podium right this second, until Karina adds, ‘I suppose I could call Matthew and see if we can work out a way to get it now.’
‘There’s always a way, I find,’ Christine tells her, patting her arm in approval. ‘Now, are you sure this is the one or would you like to try on the others?’
Karina goes back into the changing room and a cycle begins.
Every dress she tries on looks amazing on her, and every dress becomes the one she’s fallen in love with until she remembers the last one.
If I was Christine, I would have suggested she buy the first one then and there, as six dresses later, she’s so confused about which one she wants, there’s no way she’s going to commit to any of them.
‘I’m sorry,’ she tells Christine when she’s back in her regular clothes. ‘I can’t decide, and apparently my bridesmaids are no help at all.’
‘Sorry,’ I say, ‘but they’re all so beautiful, there’s no way I can choose between them. You’re on your own.’
‘Agreed,’ Teddy says. ‘I love them all too much to pick a favourite. I’d feel too guilty on the others if I decide.’
‘In that case, I think the best thing to do is go away and have a think about it.’
Christine spends the next five minutes trying in vain to get Karina to commit to buying a dress. When she draws breath for another attempt, I tell her our parking is running out and get us out of there.
‘I thought she’d never let us leave,’ Karina jokes as we hurry away.
‘I know. She was getting worryingly near the door as she spoke. I was beginning to think she was going to lock us in.’
‘Good work, Lizzie. Let’s get back to your car before you get fined,’ she says.
‘No need. I’ve paid for twenty-four hours. What do you want to do? Go home, or hole up in a cosy pub for the rest of the afternoon and talk about those amazing dresses and how incredible you’re going to look on your wedding day?’
‘Definitely cosy pub,’ Karina says and sets off down the quaint cobbled road in search of one. Teddy and I link arms and follow her.