Chapter 20 #2
I look at my watch, like it’s the first time I’ve considered how long Elliot’s been asleep for, like I haven’t been checking it every few minutes and already know it’s been two hours and forty minutes, and I was beginning to wonder if he’d be flat out all night.
‘Just a couple of hours. Are you hungry?’
He thinks about it before answering. ‘Yeah, I suppose I am. What’s cooking?’
‘Nothing as fancy as burnt beef wellington and beer cream, I’m afraid, just a plain old risotto.’
He smiles briefly before looking back into the lounge, towards the sofa where the pile of work is waiting for him – a predator lurking in the shadows. His face when he turns back is miserable.
‘Tea? Although I have more extreme supplies in the fridge if needed,’ I say, gesturing to the teapot and then the bottle in the open fridge door.
‘Hmm, I shouldn’t, but actually, yeah, that sounds nice. You know you didn’t need to do this. I’m fine.’
I pop the cork, pour and hand him the glass before turning my back to him, letting him enjoy the wine, the peace and the nice smells while I serve out the risotto. He sits down on one of his charcoal velvet bar stools, so I hand him his bowl and move around the counter to sit next to him.
‘This is good,’ he says. ‘Really good.’
‘Is that a note of surprise in your voice I hear?’
He half smiles at that. ‘No, not at all. I wouldn’t dream of being surprised when it comes to you.’
‘Glad to hear it.’
We carry on eating and don’t say much. He asks for more, and I make an Oliver Twist joke that elicits another half smile, but for the most we finish our food in companionable silence.
It’s funny. Now I’m not focusing on getting over my feelings for Elliot, I’m remembering how nice it is to be with him, how good we are in each other’s company.
I could keep the silence going or change the subject and allow myself to enjoy being here as his friend again, but I realise doing that isn’t being his friend at all because that’s not what he needs.
‘This afternoon. You didn’t look good, El. What’s going on?’
‘You caught me at a bad moment. Nothing’s going on.’
‘I’m not sure that’s entirely true,’ I say to him gently. ‘When I walked into that office earlier, my first thought was that you looked ill. If that’s what it is, you’re allowed to take a sick day, you know.’
‘I’m not ill,’ he says flatly.
‘Are you sleeping enough? Getting enough food? You look like you’ve lost weight.’
‘I’m fine, Lizzie. I’m busy, that’s all. Thank you for the lift home and the meal, but I should probably get back to work.’
He shifts his weight on the bar stool, but he doesn’t get up. He doesn’t grab my bag from the counter and hand it to me or fake yawn or any other signal that he’s desperate for me to stop pulling at this thread and to leave.
‘How are you finding the new job?’ I ask.
He turns to face me, and I can see the internal struggle playing out in his eyes as he chooses how much – or little – he wants to say to me.
Please open up, I will him, and when he takes a deep breath, I’m hopeful he’ll let me see past the stern front he’s putting on.
‘It’s awful.’ He shakes his head and blinks rapidly to stop his eyes from letting go of the tears that have suddenly filled them. My hand had been on top of his, lightly pressing on it to encourage him to talk, but now I squeeze it tight. ‘Fucking, disastrously awful.’
‘Oh, El. I’m so sorry. What is it that’s so awful?’
‘Everything,’ he practically shouts at me.
He runs a hand roughly through his hair and breathes in a few times through his nose to steady himself.
‘Sorry, it’s just all a mess. The whole lot of it, and no matter how hard I work, no matter how many hours I put in, I can’t seem to get better at any of it. ’
I won’t tell him that I’m sure it’s not as bad as he’s making out, that I know it will get better, or that these things have a way of sorting themselves out because those are empty words.
I don’t know that, and I hate it when people say that sort of crap to the pupils in my class when they are dealing with real, complex problems that can’t be brushed away with good thoughts and positive energy.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say instead.
‘Yeah, thanks.’ He doesn’t sound thankful. He sounds pissed off. At me. At himself.
‘How long has it been this way?’
‘I don’t know, since the first day of the new job, when I realised how much pressure there was going to be on me.
I spent so long preparing for that fucking interview, trying to prove I could do the job, it didn’t occur to me to ask myself if I wanted to do it or if I’d be happier staying where I was in our department. ’
‘And do you? Want to do it?’
‘I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve much choice, is there?’
‘Of course there is. If being an assistant head is making you like this, maybe it’s worth considering telling Mr Montgomery exactly how you’re finding it and trying to come up with a solution together.’
He pales even further at the suggestion. ‘No, it’s fine. I’ll figure it out. I need to give it more time, that’s all.’
‘OK.’
He pulls his hand out from under mine, so he can reach for his wine glass and take a huge sip.
Then he drops his head into his hands, and without thinking about the fact I’m touching the man I care about, the man who is going out with my best friend, I take his hands in mine again and hold them tightly.
‘You’re going to be fine, Elliot. I promise.’
He looks up at me, and for the first time all night, his eyes look a little less troubled.
‘Thanks. That helps.’ He pauses, before gently saying, ‘You help.’
He’s looking right into my eyes, and I’m the first to turn away.
‘Does Teddy know about any of this?’
‘A little. Not really. We’re not quite at the falling-apart-in-front-of-each-other stage yet. What?’
‘Nothing,’ I say, smiling to try to take the surprise off my face.
He’s pretty much just said the same thing Teddy did about talking to him.
It makes me wonder if I’ve presumed Teddy and Elliot are closer than they are, if I’ve told myself they’re madly in love and each other’s soulmate when, in fact, they’re not at that point yet.
But whatever point they are at, it’s clear how much Teddy cares about him, and as his friend, it’s my job to tell him that.
‘You should know that it wasn’t me today who thought to check in on you.
It was Teddy. She texted me because she was worried about you.
She asked me to find you. You might not feel ready to show her everything, but you should know how much she cares about you, and I’m sure she would be absolutely fine – great, even – if you did decide to fall apart a little bit in front of her. ’
He smiles. ‘You’re right. I’ll call her later.’
‘Good. So what happens tomorrow then?’
‘I’ll keep going,’ he says, a determined edge to his voice.
‘I want to do a good job. I want to be in this role, and I want to become a deputy and then maybe even a headteacher one day. I could be bloody good at that, Lizzie,’ he says, and it’s not from a place of arrogance but understanding who he is and what a tremendous difference he could make.
‘I figure it’s always going to be tough at the start, and I’m willing for it to be tough right now. ’
‘You sure?’
‘Yeah, I am.’
‘OK, then. Keep going, but not like today, you hear me? Today is not to be repeated. Assistant headteachers need to eat, and they need to sleep, and they need to come out of their offices to comb their hair in front of a mirror once in a while. You may be an assistant head now, but you’re still Elliot too. ’
‘Deal.’
‘Good, and there’s more. From tomorrow onwards, we’re going to be seeing a lot more of each other.
I’m going to start bringing you lunch, and you’re going to stop every day for at least fifteen minutes to eat it.
And you’re also going to talk to Mr Montgomery about getting more support from him. Do you agree to my terms?’
Elliot pulls an agonised face, but he looks the most untroubled he’s been all day.
‘Fine. I agree.’