Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
A SECRET FOR A SECRET
“Can I ask you a question?”
I groan and turn my face into his arm. Luckily for me, his biceps are huge and if I smush under, between his triceps and lats, I can hide entirely.
Honestly, I thought I’d feel embarrassed after sex. Maybe uncomfortable? I mean, the whole vaginal region is a no-go area but aside from that, I feel kinda wonderful.
The whole experience is unexpected and a lot more intimate than I might have figured—what with him leaking out of me and straight onto the couch beneath…
It’d serve Pecan right if we didn’t Lysol this in the morning.
He chuckles when I mumble, “No questions.”
“If I tell you something, then would you reciprocate?”
I pause. “How juicy?”
“Pretty juicy. As juicy as your pussy.”
“Zach!” I shriek before cascading into laughter.
Of course he’d make this funny.
IT’S ZACH.
Just like I should have known he’d make it good for me…
It’s probably why I’m thinking of going back for seconds.
“What?! I only speak the truth!”
I huff out a final laugh that I know has to tickle him because he shivers. “Okay. A secret for a secret.”
“You make me feel like I’m thirteen again.”
I hoot. “Not my fault you come fast.”
“You can stroke my ego now that you’re my girlfriend, D. The world won’t come to an end if you’re nice to me.”
“You like me mean,” is all I tell him, even though my heart is in free fall because did he just call me his girlfriend?
Is this what hyperventilating feels like?!
I thought guys were the ones who hated labels!
“I like you fifty shades of Denny.”
Because that was a pretty sweet thing to say, I comment, “Not as fifty shades as your fingers. Good thing I didn’t use your fingering hand, huh?”
Snorting, he studies his smeared nails. “Yeah, the polish went all over our clothes.”
“I’ll get you the remover later while you, mister, clean up the cum stain on the couch.”
“How do you know there’s a stain?”
“I know, all right. I’ve held a hockey stick to Pecan’s head while he cleaned his up. Boys… project.”
Snickering, he kisses my temple. “Fine. I’ll clean it.”
“Good.”
“Your wet spot too.”
“Zach!”
Outright cackling, he prompts, “Well?”
“Well, what?”
“A secret for a secret!”
“I’m not a virgin anymore.”
“Can confirm you’re not.”
Because he sounds smug again, I pull on his ear.
Hey, it worked earlier.
But I don’t tug too hard this time. Just enough for him to feel my wrath.
“Fine, fine, I’ll dial it back. Still, that’s part of what I wanted to ask you.”
“Huh?”
“Why? I know you said that Peeks and I scared everyone off and, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we did.” He doesn’t even grunt when I slap his abs. “But… you’re beautiful, Denny.”
“Shut up.”
“No, I’m being serious. You’re funny and sweet and loyal and a great listener.”
“You’ll make me blush.”
“You should. You’re awesome.”
“My worth isn’t defined by the guys who are interested in me, Zach,” I exclaim.
“I never said that it was!”
“Sounds like it to me.”
“My mind didn’t even go there. I’m just pointing out that you could have been with anyone you wanted. But you chose not to. Why?”
“A lot of reasons.”
“Like?”
I release a sigh. “You’re killing my first post-coital buzz, Zachary.”
“I want to understand. Is that so bad?”
When he puts it like that…
I stare at the ceiling in an attempt at getting my words together. “I wanted to sleep with Neil Randolph—”
“That jackass?!” he barks.
“That’s exactly why I chose him. You hated each other.”
He sniffs. “Well, why didn’t that work out?”
“Because I caught him fucking Stephanie Delayne.” I rub my nose over his lat. “I swear senior year wasn’t my year.”
“Why?”
“I seemed to catch everyone fucking someone. Mom was screwing the pool boy. I came across Dad getting blown in his office by his PA. Jessie Narlan gave you head at homecoming, and Pecan, well, need I say less.”
“Our little exhibitionist.” He guffaws then winces. “Sorry about… Jessie. And, well, everything.”
“I really wanted to just have sex. I wanted to know what was so great about it that someone would ruin a family for it. I wanted to know why you would be willing to get caught and charged with public indecency over an orgasm. It became my personal crusade—lose the V card. ASAP.”
“You clearly didn’t.”
“No. Neil sniffed around me a lot, mostly to piss you and Pecan off, I think. A part of me thought he might like me. But he didn’t. It was totally about you two, and looking back, I think I’d be fine with that now? Which sounds weird—”
“He hurt you.”
“He hurt that version of me.”
But shit changed after the divorce. A lot of things came out that no kids should know about their folks, and they used Logan, Paul, and me like pawns.
Yanking us around as if we weren’t people but their personal tug-o’-war battleground.
I was old enough to handle it. Logan was only fourteen when they broke up.
If I have trust and commitment issues, then that’s nothing on him.
“You’re still Denny,” he admonishes.
“I’m a lot more jaded now. Neil was pretty much the only guy I wanted to mess around with. I realized it was just a lay to him and I backed off.”
“Which kinda contradicts you only wanting to shed your V-card…”
I flick his nipple. Not simply because I can now, but because he deserves it.
Seeing as I’m evil, I savor his yelp. “Yeah, I know. Teenage me didn’t have to make sense, thank you very much. My prefrontal cortex is still developing.”
“It had to be to want to sleep with Neil Randolph.”
“Like you make wise decisions—”
“Hey, look where I am now. I clued up.” He presses a kiss to my temple. “What about recently? Why didn’t you take advantage of your first year in college?”
“Have you seen the state of the world?!”
“What do you mean?”
“If you have sex, birth control or not, you can get pregnant. I wasn’t about to risk…” Shiiiiit.
“We can grab the morning-after pill tomorrow,” he rushes to assure me.
I release a relieved sigh. “We can?”
“‘Course.”
“I think I’m in a safe spot cycle-wise, but just to be sure.”
“Whatever we need to do, we’ll do, D.”
“Thanks, Zach.”
“Don’t. I get it.” He strokes his hand over my head, toying with the loose strands that have fallen free from my ponytail. “That’s seriously why you didn’t have sex?”
“It became a different kind of rebellion, I guess. You made me cross the picket line.”
“I should be locked up for turning you into a scab.”
“Agreed.”
“If I’d known that’s how you felt, I’d never have suggested going without a condom.”
“I know. It was my choice and I enjoyed it.” I suck in air that’s scented of him. Of us. And I hum happily. “I promise.”
“I figured my overactive dick had to come with some advantages.”
A swell of feminine satisfaction fills me.
I made him come four times!
Me! Denver Parilla!!!
Unaware of my (crowing) train of thought, he acknowledges, “You haven’t had the best experience, sweetheart, have you?”
Sweetheart? Excuse me while I melt.
“Tonight? Of course I have! I’d say the best friend experiment went very well,” I purr.
“No,” he chortles before clarifying, “with relationships. Your mom and dad, then Pecan and I… Neil… Logan and Paul aren’t that much better. I can see why it’s easier to be single, and if you’re concerned about the consequences, why you wouldn’t just fuck around to be on the safe side.
“Women always deal with the repercussions first. It’s not fair, and I’d apologize for the patriarchy but fuck, I’d be here all night.”
“You still can.”
He chirps, “I’m sorry for the patriarchy, Denny.”
“That’s what I like to hear.”
“I won’t let you down.”
He can’t promise that.
Not really.
His track record sucks and sure, things might be different with me, but there’s no guarantee.
Everything starts off happily until it ends badly.
He has no idea the risk I took tonight.
Maybe it’s for the best he’s in the dark about that.
“Do you understand now?”
“Huh?”
“Why sex makes the world go ‘round?”
Though I hoot, he’s not wrong. “I want another orgasm, sure, but I wouldn’t let you treat me like shit to experience it again. Neither would I be a homewrecker. It sure as fuck isn’t worth a felony rap sheet either.”
He’s silent a second, then he snickers.
“You know I’ll never let up on you, right?”
“You wouldn’t be Denny if you let me get away with murder. Just tells me I have to work harder to make it make sense to you.”
Which, of course, is when it hits me.
How content he sounds.
Like he’s at peace.
Zach’s been fucked up since before his mom died. For obvious and understandable reasons, her first stroke messed with his head. Then, when he lost her, it changed him. He turned darker. Unhappier. Grief choked him.
But he does sound lighter.
Happier.
Like being cuddled up with me keeps his demons at bay for a short while.
I’m not dumb enough to think this is a permanent fix, but that I could provide him with some relief has me squeezing him that little bit tighter.
“You feel good, Denny. So soft.” His words are sleepy. I know he’s inches away from letting go and resting.
This might not be the most comfortable position in the world, but I’m not about to move.
For a long while after he drifts to sleep, I just stare at nothing, reconciling this new normal with the old one.
See the aforementioned remark about not being dumb, because this is going to change a lot of things and the truth is that I’ll be the one who’s most affected.
But I’m a big girl. I have thick skin.
The shit women like Addison will give me is worth it to hear Zach stutter over his feelings for me.
Even if those feelings don’t last, I’m glad I had tonight with him.
Maybe it’s masochistic to think of the puck bunny who’ll replace me once he grows tired of this, but a part of me’s liberated by it.
This is a taste of something I never figured I’d experience with a friend who can carry me around like I’m featherlight and who’ll cut off his right arm before he hurts me. And those orgasms? Maybe I was lying about the felony rap sheet stuff…
So, the idea of there being benefits to our friendship sounds really good to me.
No, this isn’t forever. But it’s for now.
And I’m fine with that.