57. Choking on red pills and grief #2
I drag D’s pillow into my chest. “If I had a bad day at school, there’d be fresh cookies when I got home. She seemed to know. I think she was a grade-A eavesdropper, too, because she always knew who we had problems with and had a habit of saying just enough to get us to talk.”
Pecan nods. “Remember that time Jenny Spencer was bullying Denny and neither of us noticed?”
“Mom did.” I grimace at the memory. “She went to Mel, D’s mom, and they went to the principal together because Mel’s shit at that kind of stuff. This one time before that happened, Denny was being poked by this douche canoe in class—”
“Oh, yeah. The one who kept telling her she was an elephant?” He coughs into his hand: “Whose nose we broke.”
“Yeah. Timothy Robertson. Anyway, Mel went in and ended up screaming down the house, which got them nowhere. So, Mom went that time. Jenny was in detention until the end of the year because Mel kept her cool and they managed to talk about what was happening.” I bury my face in the pillow.
“I miss her. I miss her like it’s this weight on my chest that’s stopping me from breathing.
“Why can’t I call her and tell her how happy I am with D? Why can’t she be the one I go to for Thanksgiving? Why isn’t—”
“Why isn’t, what, Zach?” Callan prods gently.
“Why’s he alive and she isn’t?” I look up at them. My heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest. “Why did life take her and not my dad? He’s so much older than she was and he doesn’t even give a fuck about anything that’s not hockey related.”
“He’s a douche,” Pecan agrees in an aside to Callan.
“Like, I didn’t want either of them to die, but why’s he still fine when he’s almost thirty years older than she was but she’s gone?
Why did she have to suffer so bad? Why was I relieved that she wasn’t in so much pain when she died?
Why did I have to feel like that? Who feels like that?
Who’s relieved when their heart’s being ripped out?
” I scrunch up my face to hide the fact I want to scream.
Because screaming’s allowed.
Crying isn’t.
“Come on, Zach. We’re not going to say anything if you let it out,” Pecan rasps, sniffling too. “Look, I’m crying, man. You don’t always have to be the star player. The guy who’s going places. Who’s gonna take it all the way. You’re allowed to just be a kid, you know? A kid who lost his rock.”
That does it. That breaks the dam.
I sit there.
With my two friends.
And I just let it the fuck out.
And as much as it makes me feel better, as much as it relieves this burning ache inside of me, it doesn’t go anywhere for long.
How can it?
She’s still gone.
I still can’t call her.
She’s still never gonna know about D and me or anything like that.
But they’re there when I finally shatter.
Neither of them judge me.
If anything, Pecan’s still crying because he loved her. D loved her too.
If D were here, she’d be in tears as well.
Mom was close to them both. She made sure of it because she knew how tight we were. She did that. She was my cement and our safe space. The time when Pecan smoked weed and freaked the fuck out—Mom dealt with it and never said a word. Just like D’s first period.
She was our rock and then life stole her from all of us.
The urge to hit something swells inside me.
“What if…” I bite back the words as I clench my fists, tight enough that my fingers ache.
“What if?” Callan prompts, his voice husky.
“D leaves me too? And Pecan? Fuck, even you? I’m this walking bag of bones that all anyone cares about is what I can do with a hockey stick.
“No one gives a shit about me other than you guys. If you go, if life takes you from me too, who’ll even care that I had a mom who died. Who sees me as anything more than a player? Who wants to get in with me? Who—”
“They’re going nowhere. We’re going nowhere,” Callan tells me softly. “Unless you push them, us, away. Like you did with Denny today. She’s in another country. She’s alone. She had to make friends, even touchy-feely ones, but she’s brave enough and strong enough to push back if she has to.
“You shoved her out when you genuinely needed her and she needed you. You can’t do shit like that, Zach. Not if you want her to know how much you love her. Not if you’re scared of losing her.”
I gnaw on the inside of my cheek. “I didn’t think she should have to deal with my possessive ass. I know it’s not healthy. But I want to hold her to me and keep her safe and free from any pests and—”
“That’s not life.”
“She’s over there, on the other side of the world, and I don’t know if she’s dead or alive until she sends me a text—”
“It’d be the same if she were in Florida.”
My throat tightens. “How am I supposed to protect her when she’s not with me?”
“She has classes. A life. Will get a job. She’s not always going to be glued to you 24/7.” Callan leans forward. “I get it, Zach. Losing your mom… I…” His mouth works. “My parents split when I was young. I know that’s not the same. But Dad refused to let her have contact with me.
“For a while, the only memory I had of her was in pictures and videos that my brothers had of her, as well as the bad times that stuck with me.
“He cut her out of my life like she was dead, so I felt that pain too, even if it’s… I know it’s different. But that pain of losing your mom—I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. And I even get your hatred of your dad for what he did. Like, I hated mine for doing that to me too.
“They say that time heals all wounds and it does because we learn to deal with the grief and we adjust. That’s normal. But they don’t tell you how to get to that point. Holding this stuff in leads to ulcers.
“With you, clinging onto Denny feels like a great way to cope. So I think it’s brilliant that you pulled back today.
You’re aware that it’s a bit shitty for you to be reacting like you are.
It’s a step forward. Just… you can’t cut her out, man.
If you do, what you’re trying to avoid will happen and I’d hate to see that. Why don’t you call her, Zach?”
“Yeah. She’d love to hear from you. Especially when you look as shit as you do. She’ll know you’re really fucked up.”
“Thanks, Peeks,” I retort, dragging my knuckles down my cheeks.
“Just keeping it real, man.”
Because phoning her is all I’ve wanted to do since I sent her that last text, I grab my cell and patch through a call. It’s not fair, not when it’s 2 AM where she is, but she picks up immediately.
Her concern leaks through the screen, but when she sees me, she flicks the light on. “Zach?! What’s going on, baby?”
I cover my face with my hand. Suddenly, there’s an arm around me. My shoulders burrow as the weight of loss overwhelms me. Pushes me down, down, until I might as well be in the earth with Mom and—
“We were just talking about how cool Jo was,” Callan answers for me.
“Yeah.” Pecan cackles as his knees nudge into me so I know he’s sitting on my desk. “Remember how she used to bribe us with chocolate chip cookies, D?”
“The best chocolate chip cookies because my mom always baked with saccharin.” She gags. “And Peek’s mom was always on that monk fruit stuff.”
“Nah, erythritol,” Pecan corrects. “Remember when I sneaked half a dozen and ended up dying on the toilet?”
Callan snorts. “TMI isn’t a thing with you, Pecan, is it?”
“No, it isn’t,” Denny grouches. “I walked in on him having that shit.”
I drop my hand. “No way!”
“Yeah, he asked me to bring him this book we were sharing for a project in English. Why didn’t I pick girls for friends?”
Pecan shoves out his chest. “Because we’re the superior choice.”
“Yeah. Right. That’s why. Remember when we got detention for stealing Mr. Burringer’s wig?”
“No way,” Callan crows.
“He was the worst math teacher we ever had,” I concur. “This one day, he made Peeks stand up at the front of the class and answer all these questions.”
“You know better than anyone how much I suck at math, Callan. Each equation I got wrong, he…”
“Humiliated you over?” Denny supplies when Peeks falters.
He grimaces. “So, this particular day, we were walking past his classroom and he was sleeping. Zach braved the sleeping tiger to steal the worst wig in the West.”
“Turns out he was such a douche because he had cancer.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “He died a few months later.”
“We didn’t know that at the time,” D excuses. “How long did we get detention for that one again?”
“Five months, D,” Pecan supplies with a chortle. “Worth it though. I mean, sure, fuck cancer, but he didn’t have to shame me for being stupid.”
I hold out my fist and Pecan bumps it.
“Jo should have been a lawyer,” Denny inserts.
“She should,” I agree. At Callan’s confusion, I explain, “She talked the principal down from a week’s suspension to detentions.”
“Ah.”
“Guys, do you mind if I talk to Zach?” Denny shoots them timid smiles. “I’d appreciate it.”
As they fade out, leaving us alone, I hear Callan ask, “Hey, wanna play my TTRPG with me?”
“Your TTR what now?”
“It’s a table-top—”
Their voices fade as I focus on her. “Hey, gorgeous.”
“Hey, baby.” That timid smile quivers. “I-I thought I did something wrong.”
“No. You didn’t. I suck. I… I needed some space, but like Callan just told me—we have a few thousand miles between us.”
“There’s that logic of his again.”
“Yeah.” I scrub a hand over my hair. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. If anything, I was backing off because…” My mouth twists. “I’m a dumb guy.”
“Well, you’re my dumb guy, so please be nicer about my possessions.”
I smirk. It’s a bit weak, but I still like the sound of that. “Your possessions, huh?”
“Of course. You’re mine. I’m yours. That’s how it works, isn’t it?”
Am I though? She says stuff like that, but never the actual words. I didn’t realize how important they were, how much I needed to hear them until she never said them.
“That guy at the party,” I blurt out. “He was coming on to you.”
“JP?” Denny snorts. “No. He wasn’t.”