Chapter 13
Eleven fifteen on Thursday night, the evening before Olivia’s comprehensive test, and she was in a panic. Though she’d studied every day for the past two weeks, she felt as if she’d forgotten everything she knew. She needed to talk to someone who could calm her down. Unfortunately, she barely knew her three roommates and seldom saw them. All three were medical residents with varied schedules who showed up to shower and change clothes. Right now, Olivia needed her sisters.
She sent out a text to all three.
Anybody still awake?
After five minutes, she knew the answer. There would be no comforting words from her sisters tonight.
Olivia wasn’t having a full-blown panic attack, but she was hyperventilating enough to make her heart race. Executing common sense, she breathed into a paper bag until her heart slowed down. Yet she knew she wouldn’t be able to get the last two crucial hours of review in unless she could control her fractured thoughts.
Who would still be awake? She could call a classmate, but she would feel like an idiot. She’d only left her study group two hours ago.
What about Collin? No, she couldn’t bother him. He couldn’t possibly sympathize anyway, not when he had a photographic memory. Studying was nothing for him. Still, one sarcastic remark might be enough to dislodge the terror blocking her brain. He was probably asleep, but what did it hurt to try him?
Hey Collin. Are you awake?
She drummed her fingers on the kitchen table where she had laid out her textbooks and notes. He wasn’t going to answer. She wasn’t going to be able to concentrate. She wouldn’t be able to sleep. She would be a zombie tomorrow morning, and the test would be a disaster. She picked up a pen, tapping it in a rapid-fire staccato.
Her cell phone rang, and she jumped, the pen flying out of her hand and across the room.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Collin. Why are you calling this late? What’s wrong?”
Feeling ridiculous, she tried to sound cool and indifferent. “Nothing, really. Only I have this big test tomorrow at ten, and I…I don’t know. My brain went on vacation or something. You didn’t have to call. I’ll be fine.”
“What’s your test over?”
“You don’t have to do this, Collin. Sorry I bothered you late at night. You should be sleeping.”
“Olivia.” His voice was firm. “Tell me what your test is over. Is it anatomy? Physiology?”
“No, they don’t teach like that anymore. Now we test over an entire body system at one time—anatomy, physiology, disease process, pharmacology—everything that pertains to a body system. This one is over the digestive system.”
“That’s a lot of information for one test. How do you study for it?”
“I’m sure it would be easy if I had a brain like yours,” she remarked.
“Maybe a little easier,” he said, unperturbed by her tart tone. “But my brain simply spits out what my eyes have seen. Doesn’t mean I have any understanding. Still have to work hard for those words to fit together into ideas.”
“Oh.” For some reason, that admission made her feel tons better. “Then this would be really hard for you, because we have to integrate everything we’ve learned and figure out how to apply it. None of the questions involve spitting out facts.”
“Give me an example,” he demanded. This time she didn’t argue. She answered him, spewing out details and using all her medical terminology, knowing he’d never follow her monologue. But as she spoke, he made encouraging sounds and asked more questions. Later, when he let out a yawn so loud it frightened her, she looked at the clock and realized it was one thirty in the morning.
“Collin! Cripes! It’s late, and you need to go to bed. Why did you let me go on and on for so long?”
“Seemed like what you needed,” he remarked in the midst of another huge yawn. “But I think maybe we should both go to sleep now. You seem to have this down pat.”
“I think you’re right,” she agreed, realizing she’d gone over almost all of the material while Collin was listening. “And Collin...”
“Yes?”
“Thanks. You saved my life tonight. I owe you.”
When he answered, she could hear the smile in his voice.
“You’re welcome.”
* * *
For once,Olivia left a test feeling like she’d actually known the material. It seemed half her classmates felt the same way, but the other half left shocked and grumbling at how comprehensive the material was.
“They asked questions about things they never went over in class or lab,” one student complained.
But another shot down his objections in a haughty way, stating that practicing medicine required the ability to utilize your brain. Their curriculum couldn’t possibly cover every single medical variant that would walk into your office.
“That may be true, Alana, but it’s not particularly helpful.” Olivia turned to her devastated classmate. “Ignore her, Mark. You’ve got this. You just have to learn how to study for these tests. We’ve got room in our study group for another person. We meet Tuesdays and Thursdays at seven. We’ve been teaching each other with open-ended scenarios. It really helps. I know I did ten times better on this test than the last one.”
Recognizing the stress on his face, she gave him a quick hug. “Hang in there.”
“Thanks.” He gave a half-smile. “If that’s a serious invitation, I’ll take you up on it.”
Rather pleased with herself, Olivia whipped around, into a human brick wall.
“Oh! Collin! You scared me. What are you doing here?”
He scowled, eyeing Mark as he moved the other direction. “Who is that guy?”
“He’s nobody. Only a classmate.” Realizing Collin might be jealous, her heart did a little flip in her chest. Maybe he had changed his mind about her. Had he come to take her to lunch? “How did you find me?”
“I asked someone where the first-year students were.” He shifted from foot to foot, his eyes searching the hallway as if looking for a quick escape. “How was your test?”
“Actually, I think it went really well.”
“Good.” He turned and took a step as if he might walk away.
“Wait. Did you come all the way over here to ask my how my test went?”
He stopped, speaking over his shoulder. “Thought you might not know Martha’s new address.”
“Her new address? She’s not in the hospital anymore? That’s good news, right?”
“I suppose.” He didn’t look very pleased.
“Can you text me the address? I’m headed over there right now. Planning to grab a bite on the way.”
“I’ll show you where she lives now,” he said, turning and marching ahead so that she had to run to catch up with him. She couldn’t imagine why he was so grumpy, but she was determined to break him out of it.
“What’s your hurry? Do you need to get back to class? Because I can find Martha’s place on my own. All I need is the address.”
“I said I’d take you.”
“Fine.” Olivia marched beside him, his grumpy countenance spreading to her like a contagion. She followed him to the subway station and boarded the train, packed with mid-day commuters. He stood for the first leg of the trip, but sat beside her when a seat finally opened up.
“What’s with you, today?” she mumbled. “I know something’s wrong, because you’re not usually like this.”
His lungs expanded with a deep breath, and he held it, as if he was trying to decide whether to give an honest answer. “I can’t donate my kidney to Martha.” His voice shook with barely controlled emotion.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I thought my blood type was O-positive, but it turns out I’m A-positive, instead. Martha’s blood type is O-positive, so she needs an O-positive kidney. It means she’s going to die.” He blinked fast, his eyes shining.
She couldn’t stand seeing him so upset, and hurried to straighten out his misconceptions. “No, she won’t die. She can do dialysis. Lots of people live for years and years on dialysis. Eventually she’ll get a kidney from the donor list.”
“You don’t understand. The chances of success from those donor cadaver kidneys isn’t great. And the older you are, the worse your chances. Her only real chance is a live transplant.”
She hadn’t realized Martha’s transplant odds were so slim. No wonder he was so upset. She didn’t want to give some empty promise, like “Everything’s going to be okay.” The reality was, Martha could die. There was nothing Collin could do about it, and that realization was killing him. But she knew one thing that would get him out of his gloom and doom funk.
“Listen, you’ve got to pull yourself together. If you go see Martha like this, she’ll be so depressed, she’ll quit trying. You need to be all up and sunny and positive about her donation prospects. Isn’t there some other way she could get a live kidney?”
“There’s a possibility with something called a paired matching program, but we have almost no chance of matching. You see, she needs an O-positive kidney. But anyone with a healthy O-positive kidney would pretty much be a universal donor. That person wouldn’t need to be in the paired program unless there was a conflict in the cross-match test.”
She could read his hopelessness in the droop of his shoulders.
“Well don’t make that sour face when you talk to Martha. Make her think you’re optimistic. Until she gets a new kidney, she has to do dialysis anyway. Maybe once she gets used to it, she won’t think it’s such a terrible thing.”
“Maybe.”
Watching his emerald eyes, without their usual spark, broke her heart. She tried to think of something she could say to make him feel better. Something she could do to put the light of hope back in those pools of deep green.
Almost smothered in the shared hopelessness, she leaned against her seat back and fretted, straining to keep from biting one particularly rough fingernail. But the seed of an idea popped into her head. I’ve got some research to do.
* * *
“You’re going to do what?”
Olivia held the phone away from her ear as her sister shouted.
“Shhh. Don’t yell. You’ll wake the baby.”
“I don’t care.” Grace screamed. “My baby sister is going to do something stupid, and I have to talk some sense into her.”
“It’s not stupid to save someone’s life.”
“You know I can’t stand the sight of blood or needles. What did you think I would do when you told me you’re going to let someone cut out one of your kidneys?”
Olivia heard Brad’s muffled voice in the background and soon he was on the phone. “Hey, Olivia. What’s this about you donating one of your kidneys?”
“There’s a lady I know who needs one. I’m O-positive, so I can pretty much donate as long as we pass the cross-match test. I figure, if that works out, it means God wants it to happen.”
“Good for you, Olivia. Can you squeeze it in at Christmas break? Or will you wait until summer?”
Grace’s voice yelling again, this time at her husband. “Brad! You’re supposed to tell her how dangerous it is, not help her plan it like a baby shower.”
“But honey, I don’t know anything about baby showers.”
“I’m not talking about baby showers.”
“But you just said—”
“Arghh! Never mind, Brad. You’re no help at all.”
“Listen, Grace,” Olivia interrupted. “I’ve got to go to work.”
“Are you kidding me? You drop this on me like a bomb and then scamper off to work before I have time to talk you out of it?”
“But that’s not why I called, remember? I called to ask about that third date you set up for me on Saturday. You said this last guy is your favorite.”
“What does it matter, if you’re dead?” The pitch of Grace’s voice rose to near hysterical level.
“Grace, don’t be ridiculous. I’m not going to die from donating a kidney.”
“Are you saying it’s impossible for you to die on the operating table?”
“I’m saying it’s unlikely. I’m a lot more likely to die in a car wreck.”
“Which is part of the reason I only take taxis and subways.”
“A taxi is still a car,” Olivia pointed out, struggling to button her shirt as she cradled the phone on her shoulder.
Grace was undeterred. “I can’t handle this. You know how I am about medical stuff.”
“You’re married to an emergency room doctor.”
“Who is never allowed to discuss his work with me,” she hissed.
Olivia could’ve kicked herself. She should never have shared her idea with Grace—not until the day of her surgery. Or perhaps when it was over. Maybe she could distract her.
“You know, I’m going to see Blake again tonight. In his Santa outfit.”
“We’re not through discussing this silly kidney idea, Olivia.”
“But that’s way in the future, if it happens. I’ll see Blake in a few hours.”
A moment of silence passed, and she imagined Grace struggling between her anxiety and her curiosity. Finally, the latter won. “Are you two going out together after work? Or maybe the important question is if you’re going to spend any time alone together during work…while he’s still in costume?”
To her surprise and embarrassment, Olivia’s heart skipped a beat, as she remembered last week’s stolen kiss. Even though it was totally awkward, it still managed to sizzle her nerve endings from the top of her head to the tips of her toes.
“I don’t know, to be honest. I think perhaps I should avoid being around him in the Santa suit. After all, I need to make my judgment based on who he is as a real person.”
“True. And then there’s Collin to consider.”
“Have you forgotten? Collin’s out of the picture now.”
“That may be true as far as he is concerned, but you certainly haven’t let go of him.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Olivia asked as she slipped out the door, headed toward the subway.
“It means you can’t deny you have feelings for him when you’re ready to give up your life to save his friend.”
“That’s not fair. Martha is my friend, too. And I’m not giving up my life. It’s only a kidney. I just finished learning all about that system in school, and I know I can live a perfectly healthy life with one kidney. People do it all the time.”
“You’ll be an invalid. You won’t be able to have children.”
“Not true. I’ll be perfectly healthy. Won’t affect my ability to have kids. Not that there aren’t any long term risks, but they’re minimal.”
“Olivia...” Grace took an audible breath and released it slowly, as if she were trying to calm down. “My medical anxieties aside, answer me this question. Would you be offering your kidney to this woman if Collin didn’t consider her his surrogate mother? What are you doing here? Are you hoping Collin will change his mind when he finds out you’re willing to save Martha’s life?”
“No, and don’t you dare say a word to him about this. This is going to be between Martha and me. Collin is never going to know where that kidney came from. He heaps enough guilt on his head without adding this on top if anything bad happened.”
“You admit something could happen?”
“Goodbye, Grace. I’m getting on the subway.”
“We’re not through talking.”
The phone call dropped. Drained from the encounter, Olivia collapsed onto an empty seat. She had her work cut out for her with Grace. Hopefully, she could get the rest of the family on board. She needed the support.
* * *
“I can’t believeit’s your last weekend to work here, Olivia. I’m going to miss you when only these young chicks are working with me.”
“Cassie, they’re only about a year younger than you.”
“Yes, but I’ve already graduated from college. I feel ages older than these coeds.”
“I guess you’ll have to be the mother-figure around here.”
“Ha! At least I’m not as old as you and just starting med school. You’ll practically be a grandmother by the time you finish your residency in eight years or so.”
“No, I probably won’t even be a mother by then, much less a grandmother.”
Cassie chuckled as she pointed with a jerk of her chin. “Don’t look now, but someone’s on his way over here in a stylish red velvet suit. Maybe he’d like to solve that little issue for you by auditioning for the job of father-of-your-children. Or will they be little elves?”
Giggling, Cassie edged away, but Olivia gripped her arm.
“Don’t leave me alone with him,” she murmured between her teeth.
“Why? Are you afraid you’ll lose control and start making out, like you did last week?”
Cassie jerked her arm, but Olivia held tight to her wrist.
“Hey, girls. What’s up?”
“Nothing,” said Cassie, with a wicked smile. “Actually, I was just leaving. Gotta take a bathroom break.”
Defeated, Olivia let her go, turning to face Blake, her cheeks burning with mortification.
“How was your week?” he asked.
“Okay. How about yours? I notice your voice is back.” She also noticed his regular voice didn’t sound as sexy as the low, raspy one he used last Saturday night. Maybe it was that deep masculine voice that had given him that magnetic field of attraction.
“Yep. All back to normal, now.”
“Listen, Blake. About last week...”
He frowned. “What about it?”
“I want you to know I don’t usually do that sort of thing.”
“Exactly which thing are you referring to?”
Had he forgotten? Surely not. He must be toying with her—trying to further embarrass her. A guy wouldn’t be nearly as humiliated at being caught kissing, even if he was wearing full Santa Claus regalia.
“I’m not going to say it out loud.” Olivia looked toward the back where Cassie stood, leaning against the wall, in an obvious ploy to allow them some privacy. Olivia’s cheeks flamed under what felt like curious gazes from every single sales associate in Bergman. “But Cassie swore she didn’t tell anyone what she saw when she walked in on us in the break room.”
Blake made a strangled sound under his mask. “How much did Cassie actually see when she walked in on us in the break room?”
Olivia fanned her face against the heat. “Cripes! Do we have to talk about it? It’s so embarrassing. I mean, at least, with your Santa suit on, she couldn’t really see you. Guess we’re lucky it was only Cassie. She’s not a big gossip. But it might be a good idea if we didn’t spend any time alone together at work.”
Blake crossed his arms, resting against the counter. “Maybe the break room has cameras. There could be a recording of the whole thing.”
A recording? If Olivia could have turned into smoke and disappeared, she would’ve done it. “Oh. My. Gosh. Do you really think there was a recording?”
“I guess the obvious question is, did you enjoy it?” For some reason, his tone was harsh and accusing. “I mean, apart from getting caught, was it good for you?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean, that two-faced devil is going to pay for this.” Blake paced, raising his voice along with his flailing hands. “Telling me I shouldn’t move too fast when you and he were up here last week doing…whatever you did.”
“Shhh! People are looking!”
“And of course, you think it’s me, so he gets away scot-free. I’m supposed to apologize, I suppose. Then I guess I’m supposed to take his advice and go slow. I’m not even supposed to kiss you.”
“You’re not?”
“You know what? I don’t care if I lose my job.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about my roommate—the one and only Collin Sterling—up here in my Santa suit last Saturday doing who knows what in the break room with you, all the while pretending to be me. I didn’t reap the benefits. I’m not taking the blame.” Blake pivoted and stalked away, his white hair flouncing with each stomp of his heavy black boots.
Olivia stood stock still, hands gripped so tight her fingernails bit into her palms. In her mind, she used those fists to pound the head of Collin Sterling.
* * *
Collin slammed his book shut.He couldn’t focus, anyway. It was too late, and he’d been sleep-deprived three nights in a row. At least tomorrow night was the last time he would have to sit in the little diner across from Bergman and wait for Olivia to emerge so he could see her safely home. He had hoped his roommate would take on the responsibility of chaperoning her late-night journey across town. But when he saw her emerge from the glass doors alone and turn north, he was glad he hadn’t trusted Blake with her safety.
As he buttoned his jacket and slipped out the door, he pondered the situation. He felt responsible for her relationship with Blake, having condoned and encouraged it. He’d even used his subterfuge in the Santa suit, in part, to help the relationship along. Now he wished he’d never suggested the two go out together. His reasoning had been sound—that Blake was preferable to some stranger on a web dating service. However, Blake wasn’t quite the man Collin had believed him to be, as evidenced by the fact he wasn’t accompanying Olivia home. Just as well, since Collin needed to put more distance between himself and Olivia if he was ever going to truly set her free.
Even today, after the devastating news that he couldn’t donate his kidney to Martha, he’d been desperate to see Olivia. He hadn’t even intended to tell her. It was enough just to be near her. That was exactly the sort of twisted, controlling thought pattern he needed to squelch. One way or another, he had to let go.
At least his lingering lethargy fled in the wake of the bone-chilling wind. With a furry hood over her head, Olivia jogged down the sidewalk in a hurry to escape the cold, and Collin lost sight of her as she made the corner. He trotted to the intersection and rounded it, his stomach dropping at the sight that greeted him.
Clearly illuminated by the street lamp, Olivia struggled against an unknown attacker who held her by her arms. Collin bolted toward them, yelling at the top of his lungs. He saw her knee come up, and the guy buckled over, screaming in pain. The man snatched something from the ground and limped away in the opposite direction. For a moment, Collin thought she might chase after her attacker, but she slumped to her knees, her face in her hands.
Collin hurried to her, his heart in his throat, searching her for signs of injury. He should’ve been there to prevent this. Why had he let her get so far ahead?
“Olivia? Olivia, are you okay? Did he hurt you?”
He reached down and grasped her arms, lifting her to her feet and holding her steady. Sobbing, she stared right through him, her eyes unfocused, her hood fallen back.
“Olivia?” He bent his head down, trying to make eye contact. He knew the moment she became aware again, because she stiffened in his arms and fought against him.
“Let me go!” She yelled, whipping her shoulders back and forth.
Instead, he wrapped his arms around her, making soothing sounds. “Shhh, it’s okay. It’s me, Collin. You’re safe now.”
She pushed and twisted even harder, until it was like trying to hold onto a tornado. “Let me go! Let me go!”
He released her, and she stepped back, glaring at him with an expression that had him checking to be certain she didn’t have a gun in her hand. Had she snapped? It was as if she didn’t recognize him at all.
“Olivia...” He kept his voice soft and even. “You’ve had a traumatic experience, but you’re going to be okay. I don’t think you recognize me right now, but I’m Collin. I’m your friend. I won’t hurt you.”
“I know exactly who you are, Collin Sterling.” She spat the words out as if they tasted of quinine. “And you are not my friend.”
Collin blinked hard, trying to clear his head. She wasn’t making sense.
“Do you think that was me who attacked you? It wasn’t me, I promise. I came around the corner and saw it happening, but—”
“Shut up, Collin.” She whipped her head around, craning in the direction the attacker had run. “Dang it! He got my phone! Dang it!”
“Sorry, I let him get away. I was more worried about you.”
She glared daggers at him. “Don’t say another word.”
He closed his mouth and waited, ready to help her as soon as she came to her senses.
“What kind of game are you playing, huh?” She took a step forward and poked his chest with her index finger, though he hardly felt it through his thick coat. “Do you play with everyone’s lives, or just mine?”
“I…I don’t—”
“I bet you thought that was pretty funny, huh?” She was crying now, though her finger poked him again. “When you were pretending to be Blake? Wearing his Real Santa costume?”
She let out a shrill laugh and his stomach churned, threatening to spill its contents. “How did you…I mean…did Blake say something?”
“He said something, all right.” One after another, huge tears rolled down her cheeks, splashing onto her scarf. “He told me everything. Everything.”
“I…I didn’t mean to—”
“You didn’t mean to what? You didn’t mean to dress up in a Santa suit and pretend to be your roommate? Was that an accident? You didn’t mean to flirt with me and let me think it was Blake? You didn’t mean to let me kiss you and make a fool out of myself?”
“That wasn’t how it happened. I can explain.” He reached for her, but she dodged away.
“No.” She held her hand up. “No, you can’t explain. There is nothing about…” She threw her hands around in a wild circle. “About this whole thing that you can explain. And you can’t undo it, either. I don’t know what you were trying to prove.”
“I wasn’t trying to prove anything.”
“You lie, Collin. Don’t you see? I can’t believe anything you say, because now I know you lie.”
Her face swam in his vision. “I didn’t plan it, Olivia. It just happened.”
“Maybe you did it to pay me back for rejecting you for such a long time. If so, congratulations—you won. If you wanted to make me fall for you while you rejected me, you did it. If you wanted me to embarrass myself, I did. Whatever game you were playing, it was masterful. Well done, Collin. Pat yourself on the back.”
“Olivia, please—”
“I’m leaving now.” She pulled her hood up and cinched it around her face. “And don’t follow me home. I’d rather be assaulted.”