Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
POLLY
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
Jessica Park, Flat-Out Celeste
“M om, do I have to go?”
“Max, we just pulled into the parking lot. We’re already here. We talked about this last night after you and Jace did some magic tricks for me, remember? I’m on call tonight, so I have to bring you to Young Wills practice along with Ryla, in case I get called in. Ryla sits and waits through your counseling sessions, something she doesn’t like to do, so it’s all fair. You can sit next to me the whole time. Besides coming inside and sitting with me, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
I could see his eyes were getting wet, which usually tugged on my heartstrings so much I would give in, taking him home, not making him go anywhere. But he needed to practice doing new things. He wasn’t going to get anywhere staying in our house. Frank, his therapist, confirmed the same thing today.
Ryla, who’d been chattering away in the backseat the entire way here, had been silent during our exchange. I braced for a blow up, but then, she took my breath away as she reached over and held Max’s hand.
Max looked up at her with a feeble smile, then rolled his shoulders back, dropped her hand, and got out of the car.
I glanced at Ryla, but she was already getting out of the car, completely unphased, like her actions didn’t just mean the world to me. She wasn’t aware of this, but if Ryla were to ask me for anything right now, I’d give it to her. A new Barbie. Ten flushable mini-toilets. Hell, even a dog named Kevin.
Ryla took a hold of my hand and Max grabbed the other one as we made our way to the auditorium. Max’s hand tightened around mine and I squeezed it twice as we entered the large space. On the stage, a group of kids were congregating around two women with long, dark hair. Ryla wriggled her hand out of my grip as soon as she saw Jace on the stage and shouted his name. I saw him squint, searching for us, then light up when he spotted us.
Jace backed up a few paces, then made a running start and leapt off the stage like Johnny Castle on his way to save Baby from the corner. He tucked his legs into a tight cannonball, then straightened them out and landed in a crouch, practically giving me heart palpitations as he unwittingly made a teenage fantasy of mine come to life. Because if any girl tells you that she didn’t want to be Baby at the end of the movie, when Johnny jumped off that stage, then looked back at her all sexy and adorable, they’re a dirty liar.
Whoops and claps erupted from the kids when Jace landed. He did a half turn and bow complete with a flourish, shouting, “Don’t try that at home, kids!”
Ryla had picked up speed and was running full throttle down the aisle toward Jace. I don’t think she’d ever seen Dirty Dancing , nor would I allow her to at her age, but she did what I could only describe as a trust leap when she was within a few feet of Jace. I opened my mouth to shout a warning just as Jace turned and caught her swiftly, lifting her straight up into the air and spun her around—thankfully not in Dirty Dancing style but still, Ryla’s face beamed.
Grabbing her hand, Jace walked up the aisle toward Max and me. “Welcome!” His face was full of elation, free and happy.
“Thanks!” I ignored the butterflies in my stomach and gestured to the seats on either side of us. “Where should we sit?”
“Anywhere you’d like.” He looked down at Ryla. “What do you say, Ryla. Ready to go?”
Anyone could see Ryla was ready to go. She was practically bursting out of her skin with excitement, like the Energizer Bunny on methamphetamines.
“Sounds good.” I took a step forward only to be met with resistance as Max pulled at my hand, silently letting me know he didn’t want to sit any closer.
“We’ll hang out right here. I’ll be watching, Ryla. Have fun!”
Jace glanced between Max and I, an understanding passing over his face. He crouched down in front of Max. “I’ll be right up there, Max. If you ever want to join in, come straight up and find me. If you want to hang out back here, that’s ok, too. Thanks for coming.”
And Max, my brave boy, whispered, “You’re welcome.”
Five months ago, we’d have still been in the car as tears streamed down his face, trying to work through breathing exercises to help him calm down. I squeezed Max’s hand, silently communicating how proud I was of him, as we took a seat.
“Jace, watch me!” I heard a kid yell before he did a running jump and summersault off the stage.
“Benjamin Winston! I better not see you do that again!” the taller of the two women onstage yelled down to the little acrobat.
“Sorry, Momma!” the little cutie drawled as he scampered up the stage’s side stairs.
Jace and Ryla were now onstage and approaching the two women, both of whom had noticed them. I was a good twenty rows up from where they were standing, but I could tell both women were incredibly pretty. After Jace gestured to Ryla a few times, Ryla turned, her little face squinting out to the audience. Finally spotting me, she waved enthusiastically, which had both of the women’s heads snapping in my direction. The taller woman, who had hourglass curves, shaded her eyes like she was trying to see me better.
I gave a sly wave back to Ryla, watching as the voluptuous, dark-haired beauty got down on one knee in front of her. After talking for a minute, she gave Ryla a high five, who then took off like a shot to join the group of kids onstage. Jace and the woman continued a conversation. At one point, he must have said something funny because she tipped her head back and laughed, her long pretty hair cascading down her back, her olive skin beautiful and luminous even from where I sat.
I narrowed my eyes. What did I expect? He’d said he liked variety, right? I was so focused on their interaction I didn’t realize that someone had come up beside Max and I, until I heard them speak.
“You must be Polly and Max?”
Giving a tiny start, which also caused Max to jump, I whipped my head to my left. The shorter of the two dark-haired women was now standing next to us. She was one of the most breathtaking women I’d ever seen up close.
I blinked twice, still seeing her in front of me.
Nope, not a mirage.
“I’m sorry for startling you. I thought you’d have seen me walk up the aisle.”
Taking a quick glance at the aisle in front of me, I couldn’t disagree. I really should have seen her. I was too busy fending off exasperating jealously that I missed her completely.
I stood and held out my hand. “Don’t apologize, we were just . . . taking it all in. I’m Polly, Polly Alberton.”
“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Rae James. I help run the program along with Sienna and Jace.”
“Thank you for including my daughter, Ryla,” I said, then winced. “And I sincerely apologize for anything she does in advance. This is my son, Max.” I turned to point out Max, whose was staring at Rae a little dazedly.
“Hi, Max.” Rae flashed a megawatt smile at him. Twin circles of pink appeared on his cheeks.
My thoughts exactly, bud. Because this woman was sincerely gorgeous. Her face was flawless and . . . familiar. Did I go to school with her? Surely, not. I would have remembered her— everyone would remember someone like her.
“I’m so glad you could come. I must admit, we’ve been excited to meet you since we found out Jace was working for you.”
“We?”
“Sienna and I. She’s up onstage. Her son, Ben, was the one who somersaulted off the stage just now.” Rae grinned and gave a little head shake.
“Kids,” I said absently, still studying Rae to piece together why she looked so familiar.
Focusing her attention back on me, she asked, “I hear you’re a doctor. What brings you to Green Valley?”
“I grew up here. And we needed a change of pace,” I answered noncommittally.
Rae narrowed her eyes a bit at my words, but I was still drawing a blank where I’d seen her before.
“Do we . . . know each other?” I asked hesitantly. “I’m so sorry if we did. I moved away right after high school and haven’t been back much at all since.”
Rae shook her head. “I’m not from here, either. I grew up in Ohio and moved here after I got married. Do you know Jackson James? He’s the county sheriff and my husband.”
Married. The tension in my shoulders immediately eased for a reason I did not want to fully examine.
“Wait, the county sheriff? I think I spoke with you and your husband on the phone recently, when I was checking references for Jace. Your husband was nice . . . .”
Kind of.
The phone call with Sheriff Jackson James and his wife started off as a call to make sure Jace wasn’t a serial killer, and I ended up sweating halfway through the call feeling like I was the one getting interrogated.
“And he seemed . . . protective,” I continued.
“He’s the best.” A small smile played on Rae’s lips as she looked down for a beat, then back to me, smile gone and eyes sharp. “And we’re both protective.”
Huh. Unless I was reading the room wrong, I think I was just threatened. Because that’s what you do for the people you love. You protect them.
I smiled at Rae. I liked her already.
“How long have you been doing the Young Wills program?” I asked.
“A little more than a year now. There wasn’t a local drama program for this age group. We try to keep it a fun, equal playing field, on a first come, first serve basis for the kids who live in the school district. The first few months we had to work out the kinks. There were a few people who signed their kids up thinking this would be a professional acting school and then when we weren’t Julliard, got all miffed.”
I frowned. “Why would someone ever think you were running a professional acting school?”
Rae blinked, looking surprised by my question for a moment before her face settled into a soft, genuine smile. “I have no idea.” Shifting her feet, she nodded at me. “It was very nice to meet you, Polly. I’m glad you came back to town.”
Thoroughly confused, but flattered that I kind of made a friend, I nodded back. “Me too.”
“You make sure to come back next week and bring your cuties along, too.” Rae’s eyes flashed as she gave a sweet finger wave to Max before walking back toward the stage.
I sat down, a little breathless, watching her leave. I looked over to Max, his cheeks still in a furious stage of blush.
“She was nice, huh?” I teased and bumped his shoulder.
“Monkey!”
I turned my attention to the stage. The kids were standing in a circle with Jace front and center. They were all jumping around the stage, acting like monkeys. Ryla was right in front hopping from one foot to the other, arms curled, her little mouth pursed. Choruses of “Ooo, ooo, ooo! Ah, ah, ah!” filled the air as kids pounded their chests. Jace was hysterical, jumping around in front of the kids, making them erupt into laughter at his antics.
“Horse!” came a shout from the side of the stage, from the woman that Rae called Sienna. Everyone immediately started to gallop, stretching out their necks and prancing around the stage.
“Sloth!”
The kids immediately stilled, moving in slow motion. Jace, not to be outdone, started an impossibly slow arm stretch. Opening his mouth wide, he let out a long, sliding groan, imitating a slow-motion yawn. I couldn’t help my wide smile as the kids immediately copied him, filling the auditorium with elongated yawn-groans of their own.
“Chicken!”
Conflicting emotions suffused me as I continued to watch Jace. He looked utterly free. Had I ever been that free? Had I ever experienced that kind of aimless joy? That complete inhibition where I was truly myself, open and honest, not caring what I looked like or what others thought of me?
The answer was no. I’d never endeavored to be that brave, to be that fearless.
I had all these strings weighing me down. Grief from my mother’s death, the weight of my father’s expectations, the feelings of failure from my broken marriage, the pressure to provide for my children so they could thrive and flourish. How light would it feel if I could merely snip, snip, snip those strings, letting myself float up and fly free, dancing like no one was watching, or better yet, dancing as if everyone was watching, but not caring what anyone thought?
And then a wall of guilt slammed into me, that I’d even include my children in that thought, that I’d ever think of these two little loves of my life, as strings. I’d always felt a sort of pity toward my ex, who seemed to view our kids as inconveniences. But was I any better? Sometimes I treated spending time with them like a task I had to check off each day.
And though I did feel a certain type of envy watching Jace onstage, it wasn’t true jealousy. I didn’t have any desire to be up there, clucking like some bizarre, carefree poultry. It was the contrast between us. The untroubled appearance of Jace, of every child on that stage in comparison to me. How I’d made myself so very stuck in this life: stuck beholden to my father, stuck being the parent and person I was—versus the person I wanted to be.
But really, what would I do, if I could do anything— be anyone? The weight of this question knocked the wind out of me for a moment, making it difficult to breathe.
I tapped Max on the shoulder, praying to the Lord, herself, that Max would let me go to the bathroom by myself. Luckily, he’d begun reading his book and nodded his head, allowing me to go to the bathroom in peace.
Harsh automatic lights blinked on when I walked into the bathroom. Leaning on the sink, heart pounding, I tried to slow my breathing.
If I were braver, stronger, what would I do? Who would I be? What was I waiting for?
I’d never dared to ask myself those questions before, I was too afraid of the answers and the inevitable disappointment that would follow.
Footsteps in the hallway prompted me to immediately start washing my hands, lest anyone come in and see me leaning on the sink. Albertons always act appropriately in public. Albertons always do and say the right thing, even if they don’t mean it. Albertons do not have goddamned epiphanies in the high school girl’s bathroom.
Before I left, I dared a glance in the mirror. Staring into the green eyes of my mother, feeling like she was here with me, really here with me, guiding me, for the first time since her death.
When are you going to start figuring it out, Polly?