Chapter Twenty-Five LIAM
Chapter Twenty-Five
L IAM
Despite the way my brain was buzzing when I crawled into bed, I slept like a rock. But when I woke, the sun hadn’t even begun to rise, and the sky was still dark. There were messages on my phone when I turned it over to check the time, and I laughed quietly. She’d sent them after midnight, which meant she’d been lying awake long after she’d gone to bed.
Zoe: I can’t believe you made me go to bed alone. Is this where I’d call you a twat? I’m still learning British slang.
Zoe: We could’ve CUDDLED. It’s not like I only want to use you for sex, though I’m excited about that too.
Zoe: Is that a first-date activity? It wouldn’t normally be for me. But we’ve basically had months of foreplay, and I think all normal date boundaries should be reevaluated under these types of circumstances.
With a smile, I typed out a quick reply.
Me: Patience, love.
As I stared at the ceiling, I laid a hand over my chest and registered the heated glow seeping through there. This was such a new, foreign landscape to me in every regard. The flirting, the anticipation, that aching warmth only she seemed to leave in her wake. With a deep breath, I rolled out of bed and scrubbed my hands over my face. The day already seemed both eternally long and not long enough, because I wasn’t quite sure how I was supposed to be ready for this. For her.
And maybe that was the point. I’d never really be ready. Never really feel like this was something I could do. But for her, I would try.
I hopped into the shower, leaning my frame up against the tile, hot water pouring down over my body while I wrapped my hand around myself and imagined a completely different ending to our conversation in the pool last night. Imagined the ending she’d wanted.
Slick, wet skin.
Panting moans in my ear.
Her legs tight around my waist.
We’d have left the pool and stumbled inside, found the nearest flat surface.
The images came faster and harder then, as I imagined Zoe in every position that I wanted to try. But the thing that took me over the edge, the very thing that I wanted most, was her under me, atop a big, soft bed with plenty of room and the lights on so I could see every bloody detail.
I groaned her name after less than ten minutes, hanging my head under the blistering water as my chest heaved.
I’d need to take four showers before this date if I expected to keep my hands off her. When I emerged from the steamy bathroom and wrapped a towel around my waist, I felt more clearheaded.
More than that, I was excited about where the day might lead. It was fucking terrifying.
The house felt different when I walked through the dark kitchen to put on the coffee. Hovering on the edge of such a massive change, it felt more like a home than any I’d had since I moved to the States. Slowly, so slowly I’d hardly noticed, it had become ours. When had that happened?
Zoe wouldn’t be up until Mira woke, which was probably for the best. I wanted her to think about the possibilities all day, just like I would be.
I scooped enough grounds for her to have two cups of coffee and added the water.
While I waited for the pot to fill, I looked through a pile of mail and plucked out a few pieces with my name on them. When I set them back down, they brushed against the little blue duck with the British flag.
I picked up the plastic toy and stared at it, thinking about my conversation with Mira the night before. All three of us, to varying degrees, had fears we were working to overcome. On paper, Zoe’s might have seemed like the smallest, but I still wanted her to trust in what she was feeling for me. What I was feeling for her.
Making her wait until tonight wasn’t a test; it was proof.
Of all the things that scared me, the possibility that what we felt for each other wasn’t real was not one of them.
Mira’s fears might have been those of a child, but in her head, they loomed so large that it was almost impossible for her to see a way past them. Once she did, though, she’d be fine.
And what of mine?
Zoe had made it sound so simple. But it was still years of conditioning, something I’d embedded into my very outlook on life, etching it deep into my subconscious. The fear of mine had been the single line I’d never strayed from, no matter what choices I’d made. Until her, of course. Both of them.
When the coffee was ready, I poured myself a travel mug and tucked my keys into my pocket before packing a gym bag. I was out the door for a workout at the facilities before either Zoe or Mira woke, and that was likely for the best.
The weight room was quiet too, only one other guy from the special teams there that early, and we did our conditioning with headphones on, focused on our own shit. By the time I finished, I was ready for my second shower of the day, but I kept thinking about that bloody duck.
About Mira and how she deserved to have both of us face our fears the way we were asking her to face her own.
About Zoe and how badly I wanted to get this right more than anything I’d ever done. I’d only ever loved her, even if I’d refused to put a name on it for years.
I’d refused to do a lot of things, and I didn’t want to drag that habit forward.
Conditioning was something I knew and knew well. Keeping my body in shape was part of my job, a responsibility that I’d taken on when I signed my contract. And if I expected to keep earning that trust Zoe had given me, then I needed to break old, ingrained habits just as much as I had to create new ones.
That’s how I found myself leaving the facilities still in need of a shower, driving toward a small house that wasn’t a house and then striding up the front steps about thirty minutes before it was supposed to open.
Through the windows, I saw warm yellow light, and I tapped my fingers nervously against my thigh before I pushed open the door. The big farm-style dining table was empty, and fuck, I almost turned and bolted out of the house before someone saw me.
I didn’t, though.
And I wouldn’t.
I strode into Carol’s office, and her head snapped up in surprise, her eyes wide as she studied me over the rim of her glasses.
“Liam,” she said, “I wasn’t expecting you so soon.”
My throat was tight and uncomfortable, denial and excuses crawling up like a reflex. I could say it was about Mira. She’d never know the difference. Instead, I squeezed my eyes shut, sat on that stupid fucking couch, and with my elbows perched on my thighs, I held my clasped hands between my opened legs.
“You said your door was always open, yeah?”
She was wearing the pearls again and had on a different sweater than the day before. Carefully, she pulled her glasses off and set them down on the surface of her desk. “I did.” Then she smiled. “I do have an appointment in about an hour, though.”
My teeth ground tight, and my jaw clenched firmly. It took every shred of discipline to relax my muscles as I stared her down.
When I didn’t speak right away, her lips curled in a faint smile. “How did it go with Zoe last night? You shared a very big thing in here yesterday. That must have triggered some conversation.”
So we’d take it like that. She’d coax me through this, like I was a fucking child. And I didn’t quite feel like acting like one anymore.
I swallowed thickly, holding her gaze. “I was trying to help Mira swim last night,” I said. “She’s afraid of the water. I told her that I used to be afraid of all sorts of things when I was her age, but once I faced them, I realized they weren’t so bad.”
Carol sat back in her chair and studied me curiously. “That’s good advice.”
“I’m a bloody hypocrite, aren’t I?”
Her face stayed even. “Why do you say that?”
My hands tightened, and I inhaled slowly. “As long as I can remember, I’ve been afraid of turning into him. That somehow being related to him, that watching the way he treated her—it was in my blood. Something I couldn’t escape.”
“That’s a very common reaction for kids who experienced what you did growing up.”
“It’s stupid, though, right? I’m a grown fucking man, and I’m still afraid of the same thing that I was when I was a child.”
Carol’s eyes were soft and understanding. “Liam, that’s part of the human experience. Almost everyone I’ve ever met navigates relationships based on fears and wants and desires that have roots in their upbringing. Some people realize it. Some don’t. You’re not stupid for your worries, but you have to challenge those thoughts when they spring up.”
“How?”
She smiled at my terse reply. “When’s the last time you lost your temper on a friend or family member?”
I swallowed again. “I don’t. Only when one of my teammates fucks up. Assholes always deserve it, though.”
“Ever hit anyone?”
“No.” Then I paused. “Thought about it a couple times during a game, but I’m not stupid.”
She was unflinching in how she stared me down. “Ever verbally abused a partner?”
My head reared back. “No.”
Then she nodded like she’d proved some great big fucking point. “That’s how you challenge your fears, Liam. With a lifetime of actions. You remind yourself that every time you had the chance to be like him, you chose a different path.”
Hope crept stealthily up my throat, past the immediate denials that this was too simple.
“You don’t believe me,” she said.
I held her gaze. “Zoe said something similar. And you both make it sound so bloody easy, and it’s not.”
“I didn’t say it was easy,” she said. “But it’s fairly straightforward, and there’s a difference. When we tell ourselves a story long enough, we begin to believe it, no matter what anyone else says. And you’ve believed yours thoroughly because you grew up in the shadow of the person you hated most.” Then she leaned forward, her eyes burning with sincerity. “You’re here, Liam. You stepped up to help Zoe and Mira, and you could have walked away. That’s challenging your fears, even if you weren’t aware that you were doing it. You may have to do it every single day, but the fact that you’re worried about it shows more awareness than most people ever have.”
“Don’t give me a fucking medal,” I muttered.
“I won’t. But I’m going to give credit where credit is due. You should as well.”
I raised my hands, scrubbing them over my face. “Fuck. Do I have to come and vomit my feelings all the time now?”
She laughed softly. “Only if you feel like it helps. What brought you in here today specifically?”
I dropped my hands and sat back against the couch. “I’m taking Zoe on a date tonight,” I told her, waiting for a judgmental look and a sharp reprimand.
Her eyes merely sharpened with interest. “Are you? Is that a new development?”
“Been in love with her for a bloody decade, so no, it’s not new for me.”
This time, her smile was fleeting but pleased. “And you’re excited about this?”
“Yeah.” I shifted on the couch. “And that’s scary too.”
“And what worries you about tonight, specifically?”
“You want a fucking list?” I drawled.
Her lips twitched, but she didn’t smile again. “Let’s just start with the first thing you can think of.”
I pushed my hands down the tops of my thighs and sighed. “It feels intense already. Big.” I tapped a hand to my chest. “Right here, anchored under my ribs, just too bloody big to be real.”
“Intense in a good way?”
Slowly, I nodded. “Yeah. Like I’d marry her in a week or something stupid if she wanted me to.”
Carol laughed. “How about you just take tonight for what it is? Enjoy your time with her. If it feels intense and big for you, it probably does for her too. She’ll be clear about what she wants because she cares about you, Liam. It’s obvious.”
That hope bled through my throat, down my shoulders, and into my chest again. And for the first time, I wasn’t scared of it.
I nodded. “Thank you,” I told her sincerely.
“You’re welcome.” She glanced at the clock on the wall. “Unfortunately, I do have to get some work done before my appointment, but please email me if you want to sit down again. I’ll always make time for you and Zoe if you need my help.”
It was just one appointment.
One date.
But it felt like so much more.
By the time I got home, my steps were light, my heart practically dancing a fucking jig with anticipation. I was smiling when I walked into the kitchen.
Zoe was at the island feeding Mira a late breakfast, and she did a double take when she saw the look on my face. I wanted to lean in and kiss her, but I didn’t.
“Hi,” she said softly, her eyes glowing.
I brushed my hand along her lower back, holding her gaze as I stepped away. “Sleep well, Valentine?”
Her eyebrow arched. “Not particularly.”
I dropped a kiss on Mira’s messy curls and then grinned when I saw the flush in Zoe’s cheeks. As I stripped my shirt off, I locked eyes with her across the island. “You probably won’t tonight either.”
She huffed an incredulous laugh, and I tossed the sweaty shirt in her direction.
“Gonna go take a shower, and yes, my door will be locked for that too.”
“I don’t like this new side of you,” she yelled as I left the room.
“Yeah, you do, Valentine. Yeah, you do.”