Chapter Twenty-Five #4
“I do no’ remember. She wasnae talking much yet. Papa was afraid I would make her sicker.”
Brenna blinked back tears at the thought of this poor lad’s life. She needed to be strong, though, and couldn’t let him see her sadness. Thinking of sweet Lily, she smiled. “How would you like to see your sister in the next couple of days? I will bring her here if you like.”
“Would you? May I play with her?”
The wistfulness in Torrian’s weak voice wrenched her gut. “Aye, I will bring her to see you. How long has it been since you have seen the great hall?”
“I have never seen the great hall, Lady Brenna. I have been here since I can remember. I have never stepped outside. My da willnae allow it. Even when Todd was alive, we had to play inside.”
Brenna had to force her hands to continue their healing ministrations. How could this have happened? How could Quade not see what he had done to his son? No friends or family time at all? How was it possible that the lad was so good-natured and intelligent with such an upbringing?
“Lady Brenna, he does no’ do it to make me feel bad. He has to keep me here. That is what he always tells me. Please do no’ be angry with Papa. He loves me, I ken it. He even taught me how to read.” He hung onto the sides of the tub as she washed.
Brenna wasn’t sure if she was doing the right thing, but she plunged ahead. “Why, Torrian? Why does your papa think you have to stay here? Why does he no’ tell anyone else you are here so they can visit?” Somehow, she thought there must be another reason behind the boy’s isolation.
“Papa says I have to stay here or I could die.” His wee head stared down at the glassy surface of water.
“Why, laddie?”
“Because he says that if people saw my rash, they would think I had evil spirits in me and would put me out in the forest and leave me to die.”
Brenna dropped the cloth in the water.
“Lady Brenna?”
She collected herself enough to pick the cloth up again before speaking. “Aye?”
“You willnae do it, will you?”
“What, lad?”
“You willnae put me in the forest and leave me to die, will you?”
Brenna couldn’t help herself. She grabbed a linen towel, wrapped it around the lad and picked him up in her warm embrace. Looking him directly in the eye, she said, “Nay, Torrian, I willnae.”
“Papa doesnae allow any hugging either,” Torrian warned. She noticed a slight cringe in the lad.
“Aye, I do. Hugging willnae hurt you, aye? Am I hurting you, lad? Am I too rough on your blisters?” She sat in a chair and settled him on her lap wrapped in the soft towel.
“Nay, it does still hurt a wee bit, but I do no’ mind. I would like to be hugged sometimes even though my da does no’ allow it. He is too afraid someone will hurt me. I ken it.” He whispered as if his father was near.
After a few minutes, she dressed him in a soft gown and sat back down with him still on her lap. He took up hardly any space and was light as a feather. This lad needed to gain some weight.
“May I ask you a question, Lady Brenna?”
“Of course, Torrian. You may ask me anything.” She wrapped her arms around and helped him settle against her chest. “Are you comfortable, like this?”
“Aye, I like sitting on your lap.”
Of course, he would love any human contact, no matter how much pain it caused him. His blisters did seem better, but it would be awhile before they were completely healed. “Is the itching better?”
“Aye, the bath helped it. It is nae so bad as before.” His face beamed.
Poor lad. Silence filled the air for a few moments. She decided he would ask his question when he was ready.
“Papa was really angry with me a short time ago.”
“Aye, that happens sometimes. It does no’ mean he does no’ love you. He wasnae angry with you yesterday.” Brenna rubbed his legs as they talked. It was the only place he didn’t have a rash.
“I asked him if he would please take me to the forest and let me die.”
Brenna steeled herself not to react. She remained silent, hoping it would encourage him to continue. He needed to share this with her.
“You see, my rash hurts me really bad some days. Sometimes, I just want to cry all day, but I ken it upsets my da if I do. He wants me to be strong so I can be laird someday, and he gets upset and leaves when I cry. No’ because he is mad but because he feels bad.
He says he is sad when he cannae help me feel better.
So I try no’ to, but ‘tis verra hard no’ to when it hurts really bad.
I tried to tell him that ‘twould be easier for me if I was in heaven, but he wouldnae let me finish. Do you believe in heaven, Lady Brenna?”
“Aye, I do. I am glad you do, too.”
“Aye, I thought if I was in heaven and I did no’ have to hurt or itch all the time, I might like that better.
Sometimes, I scratch so much I sob. But never in front of Papa.
Margaret wants to hold me when I cry so hard, but then it hurts to sit on her lap.
” He paused to turn and smile at her. “The bath helped my blisters, though, and it does no’ pain me to sit on your lap. ”
Brenna kissed the top of his head and settled him back against her.
“I just tried to tell Papa I would rather be in heaven and no’ itch all the time than to be here like this.
My mama died when Lily was a wee bairn, so she would be in heaven to greet me.
I told Papa he could stay with Lily and I could go with Mama, but he was verra upset.
He did no’ understand. Do you? Do you understand why I would rather be in heaven? ”
“Aye, lad. I understand. Do you still wish to be in heaven?”
“Nay, I do no’ anymore because I saw Mama in my dream one night. She told me I couldnae leave Papa yet.”
“You saw her in your dream?” Brenna tried to encourage Torrian to finish his story. She thought he would feel better if he shared it with her.
“Aye. ‘Twas after Papa was so mad at me. After he told me I couldnae die, he left and did no’ come back for three days. I was afraid he would never come again. That’s why Mama came to see me in my dream, I think. Because Da would no’ come and I was so afraid.”
Brenna marveled at the strength of the young lad in her arms. How was it right for a young lad and lassie to go through all that he and Lily had suffered? And poor Quade. She was beginning to see that the man she had fallen in love with had a reason to be a tortured soul.
In love? Had she really just thought that?
Aye, seeing Quade with his ill son had caused her to lose her heart to him completely.
Chapter Fifteen
“Tell me more about your dream, Torrian.” Brenna wrapped the blanket around him a bit tighter as she spoke.
“Aye, I fell asleep, but then I woke up right away. I only kenned I was dreaming because I was different.”
“How were you different?” Brenna didn’t know how much more heartbreak she could handle, but listening was the best thing she could do for Torrian right now.
“I did no’ hurt anymore. I did no’ itch and there was nae pain. I looked at my arms and the rash was all gone. I did no’ ken where it went. I was looking at my belly when I heard Mama’s voice.”
“What did she say?”
Torrian tipped his head to stare into her eyes. “Do you believe me, Lady Brenna? Cause Papa thought I made it up when I tried to tell him. He wouldnae even let me finish.”
“Go ahead, laddie. I believe you. Tell me what your mama said.” The important thing was that Torrian believed it, so she wanted him to finish.
“There was this long tunnel with a white light at the end of it.” He rested back against her chest before continuing.
“I kept looking down there, but I did no’ see anything.
Then I heard Mama’s voice. It sounded like she was at the end of the tunnel.
I kept staring and then I saw her walking down the tunnel toward me.
Lady Brenna, my mama was so beautiful, she looked just like an angel.
She hugged me when she reached me. And I told her I did no’ hurt anymore.
She said she kenned it. She told me she couldnae bear to see me in pain anymore, so she had brought me home just for a few moments to help me understand. ”
The wee lad turned to look at her, as if to make sure she was taking him seriously. Brenna nodded. “Go on, lad.”
He settled back against her. “She told me I would never hurt when I was in heaven. But she said it was too soon for me to stay there because I had some important things to do yet. Then she asked me no’ to say that I wished to die to Papa anymore.
But I told her I wanted to. I told her that it was true, that I did want to die.
Does that make me a bad person? It was so nice there, I really wanted to stay.
I could walk by myself. I wasnae scart and I did no’ itch or anything, and I miss my mama.
She said too many bad things had happened to Papa and he couldnae handle losing me yet.
But I told her I wanted to stay with her, and that I did no’ want to come back where I hurt all the time. ”
She could feel the hot tears on her lashes and was thankful he had his back to her.
Torrian continued. “I told her how tired the itching makes me, how it keeps me from sleeping or playing. That I used to play with Margaret’s son, but after he died, I did no’ have anyone to keep me company.
Papa wouldnae let me play with Lily. He’s always been afraid I will make her sicker and Lily wouldnae be able to keep the secret.
And then every time I eat, I throw up and have an achy stomach and I do no’ want to anymore.
Still, she said I couldnae stay. And I said then I will stop eating when I get back to my bed, or I will go out and show someone my rash so they will take me to the forest so I can die. ”
The tears flowed freely down Brenna’s cheeks now.
“What’s a forest, Lady Brenna? I do no’ know what it is.”
She cleared her throat before speaking. “A forest is a group of trees.”
“’Tis really dark? Could I walk to one? Is there one near here?”