Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
Darcy’s aunt wasted no time in upbraiding him for his behaviour in Hertfordshire, and Darcy sat quietly and accepted her censure as his due.
His mind was far beyond thinking of the indignity of his aunt scolding him like a schoolboy; rather, it was set on the fact that he had destroyed his chance at happiness.
Given the summary his aunt presented, he could not wonder that Elizabeth despised him.
Yet, how she misunderstood him! If she only knew that his absurd accusation of impropriety with her footman had its root in insane, irrational jealousy.
The stares she thought were meant to censure her were his eyes yielding to the wish that the rest of him held, which was to know her, everything of her.
As for the rest of it—the haughtiness, the disdainful appearance—it was neither arrogance nor pride but discomfort in a strange surrounding.
Surely, she could forgive him that if she knew the rest to be untrue.
When his aunt had finished, he excused himself, intending to go to Elizabeth and throw himself at her feet. Once she knew how he loved her, they would overcome the rest.
Elizabeth wondered whether Mr Darcy knew of his aunt’s design for the two of them, and if so, how he felt about it. She did not have to wonder long as, before the day was ended, he called on her.
She sat quietly, waiting for him to be shown in. She stood when he entered, curtseying as she greeted him.
“Lady Courtenay, I wonder whether you would be so kind as to grant me a private audience.”
Oh no. Elizabeth dismissed her housekeeper with a sinking feeling in her heart and indicated he should sit, but he did not. Instead, he paced slowly as he appeared to gather his thoughts.
At last, he cleared his throat and abruptly sat down on the seat across from her. “I was dismayed to learn of your opinion of our acquaintance in Hertfordshire. I wish to apologise for any offence I have caused you. It was not intended.”
“I thank you for your apology, sir, but as you have already offered me your regrets for the incidents at the assembly and at Netherfield, I assure you, further expression is unnecessary.”
“Thank you.” He took a deep breath and paused for several moments. “In addition, you must allow me to tell you that I ardently admire and love you. I have struggled with these feelings but it will not do. I beg that you would relieve my suffering and marry me.”
For a brief, mad moment, she wondered whether she had heard him aright. She resolved to be courteous as she declined him. “Thank you, sir, but I am afraid I cannot accept you.”
He appeared to receive the information with equanimity, and he stood. She assumed he intended to take his leave and so rose with him. It was then that she saw it: the slight spasm of a muscle near his jaw that betrayed he was barely clinging to his self-control. “Might I ask why?”
“What?”
“I am rejected, and I ask only that you kindly explain why. I apologised for the hurt I caused you and told you that I love you. You, in turn, coldly dismissed me with nothing more than a few polite words. I believe I deserve more than that.”
Elizabeth’s jaw dropped. “What more do you want?”
“An explanation!” he exclaimed, a flush coming across his cheeks. “Surely you see, as my aunt did, how alike we are in wit and temper, and with the obstacles before us having been removed, I would wish to understand what it is you seek!”
Elizabeth’s temper was rising, and she struggled to retain control of her emotion.
“Mr Darcy, I do not expect to find the sort of love that I had with my husband. However, what I shall not do is unite myself with someone who disdained me so thoroughly as Miss Elizabeth Bennet yet has decided that I am acceptable due only to my fortune and consequence. Such unabashedly mercenary motives cannot be rewarded.”
“Mercenary?” Mr Darcy looked incredulous. “Do you accuse me of being mercenary?”
“Mercenary, prudent, practical—call it what you will. Your disgust of me in Hertfordshire was plain, and now you dare to profess affection for me? Furthermore, do not think me ignorant of your actions against Jane. Your opinions are well known to me, sir, and I abhor them.”
“What opinions are those?”
“Nothing about me has changed, sir, only my circumstances. Therefore, I must conclude it is my circumstances you love and not me.”
“You could not be more wrong.”
“How can you say so?” she cried out. “Surely, you would not think me so foolish as to imagine that your professions of affection are true.”
“Disguise of every sort is my abhorrence. I fell in love with Miss Elizabeth Bennet of Longbourn in Hertfordshire. The fact that you are now known to me as Lady Courtenay has neither increased nor decreased my ardour or my desire to have you as my wife. Should my word be insufficient on this matter, I would urge you to apply to my cousin Saye, who heard all the particulars long before you came to town.”
“Ah! So you loved me and wished to have me as your wife in Hertfordshire? Tell me, Mr Darcy, when did you plan to return to Longbourn and speak to my father? Does Lord Saye know that too?”
Mr Darcy was silent.
“I did not think so,” she said triumphantly.
“You are now part of a higher circle of society, and you see how these matters occur. My feelings for you were not all that I had to consider in my selection of a wife. I have my family name and reputation, my fortune, and my sister to consider, and I take those responsibilities seriously. I could not be run away with sensibility; reason had to be my counsellor.”
“Was it your reason that caused you to act so rudely to nearly all whom you met in Hertfordshire? My opinion of you was decided the first night we met at the assembly where you not only insulted me so grievously but also held yourself above the entire populace of Meryton. You did not enter conversation, nor did you so much as consent to introduction. You spurned the kindness extended to you by Sir William, Mrs Long, and many others and raised an almost uniform disgust in your manners.”
Not unexpectedly, he attempted to justify his actions. “I am not at ease in a society so wholly unknown to me.”
“You did not try to know anyone in Hertfordshire because they were not of your circle. You did not trouble yourself to form an acquaintance with people so beneath you.”
Mr Darcy clenched his jaw and looked to the side. “It was unlikely that I would ever spend much time in their company.”
“Nevertheless, they deserved your respect.” Elizabeth inhaled deeply. “You claim to love me, but that is mere trumpery. Regardless of my position, the truth is, I am Elizabeth Bennet, a simple girl raised in a modest way in an insignificant place no one cares about, save those who live there.
“Those people you scorned are the people who raised me, who loved me, and who protected me these two years when my life was endangered. You cannot claim to love me when you have so determinedly despised what is an essential part of me.”
He said nothing, but his eyes were intent upon her.
“While I appreciate your apologies for your actions, what you could never deny is the opinions that supported them. If I were still Miss Elizabeth Bennet, you would not have condescended to know me, nor would you have encouraged your friend to re-acquaint himself with my sister.
“You are unfortunate to follow one whose love easily and rapidly overcame all the same objections that you have just put forth. A man whose fortune equalled yours and who thought nothing of taking an inconsequential country girl of only eighteen and making her his countess. A man who treated my family as kindly as though they were his own, who had no shame in my background or my upbringing, and all because he loved me. So forgive me if your notion of love and admiration pales in comparison.”
She walked away from him, returning to the settee, picked up her tea, and took a long drink.
Mr Darcy imitated her actions. He had remained silent throughout her speech and now seemed pained as his eyes changed from angry to melancholy.
Elizabeth inhaled deeply, regaining her composure along with her civility.
“Mr Darcy, you have honoured me with your offer, and I do recognise the compliment of your affections.
And yes, I do apprehend the reality of marriage in the world in which we live, and I do not fool myself into thinking I may marry where I like.
There are obligations to be fulfilled for us both.
“However, if nothing else, I hope to enter a marriage with someone who might have liked Miss Elizabeth Bennet as much as he likes Lady Courtenay. I cannot have that belief where you are concerned because I know, without a doubt, that you rejected me as Miss Elizabeth Bennet. You doubted my character, and you insulted my person, and those things cannot be changed by the lustre of fortune.”
Darcy did not speak for several long moments. Finally, he said, “I shall not take any more of your time. Pray forgive me for expressing these thoughts that have so disgusted you. You may be assured that you will not hear of this subject from me again.”
He then departed.