Chapter 12 #2
“I was about eleven years old and had just come home from school. She worked third shift, so she was usually getting ready for work by the time I came home. After the bus dropped me off, I checked the mail and was excited to see I had a brochure from a college we requested information from.” I smiled at the memory.
She was sitting there, watching me, waiting for me to go on.
“I know I was too young, but I thought it would be fun to see what they looked like. My mom was in school at the time. She was going to be an interpreter. A sign language interpreter. Since my dad was deaf, she wanted to learn more and help others. She was an amazing woman like that. ‘The heart of an angel,’ my dad would always say.”
She smiled but didn’t interrupt. “When I got the brochure, I was so excited, I squealed and ran inside yelling, ‘Mom. Mom! I got one, I got one!’ I was so eager to share it with her.”
I paused for a moment, trying to catch my emotions. This was always the hard part of the story to talk about. When things started to go downhill.
“I threw my bookbag by the door and ran around the house shouting and looking for her. She wasn’t answering, and it wasn’t until I got to her room that I knew why. She was taking a shower.”
Daisy gasped and threw one hand to cover her mouth. The other rested on my leg. I swallowed the tears down, forcing myself to go on. I could be brave for Daisy and get through this story.
“As a kid, you don’t know what boundaries are, so I barged in the bathroom, ready to tell her about the mail, when I stopped and screamed.
I had never heard myself make that sound before.
It was one of pure horror. My mother was in the bathroom, half of her body in the shower, the other half bent outside the shower with her head in the toilet, unconscious.
” A single tear made its way out, and I brushed it away.
I was so tired of crying, not only in front of Daisy, but in general.
It had been over ten years—would it ever get easier?
Daisy still sat there, not asking questions, not doing anything but paying attention.
“I immediately called nine-one-one and ran to the neighbors’ like they told me to.
My dad was on his way home from work and by the time he got home, the paramedics had already determined she had passed away.
That was the first and last time I ever saw him cry.
“When the autopsy came back, they said she had a seizure and also suffocated from the toilet. She was on medication for them, but I guess she hadn’t been taking them—I don’t know.
That was the day that changed everything.
For the longest time, I was terrified to go into any bathroom with the door closed, and if the shower curtain wasn’t open, I’d have to open it so I knew there wasn’t a dead body lying in there.
Sometimes, I still have nightmares of that day, and it replays over and over again until I wake up crying.
That’s why I had to move in with my dad when he got sick.
I wouldn’t have been able to sleep at home knowing something could happen to him and no one was there to help him.
The worst part is the regret I feel when I think about my mom.
Telling her to shut up was the last thing I ever said to her.
She was helping me with my homework and I was frustrated.
” At this point, there was no hiding my tears.
“Oh, baby.” There were tears in her eyes as she scooted closer and swooped me in a hug.
That made me cry harder. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel sorry for me, to cry for me.
It wasn’t her pain to carry. I wanted to do whatever I could to shield her from any kind of pain, but this was the one thing I couldn’t control my reaction to.
I ignored the term of endearment I had to. She was holding me and rubbing my back, and I was letting her like I had so many times before. Everyone else would always say they were sorry for my loss, or they understood what it was like, as if that would help. Like saying that would make it better.
Daisy didn’t say any of that. She didn’t say anything for a long time, just held me tight and caressed me. Made me feel safe.
Finally, she broke free, but not before placing the softest kiss on my forehead. It was so light I would’ve thought I imagined it had I not been hyperaware of her movements since the day I met her.
“I can’t even begin to imagine what that felt like for you.
And you know your mother is looking down on you, so damn proud of the woman you became.
I know I am. You were just a kid, Kai. She knows you love her, and you have to know she loves you.
I know your brain is telling you otherwise, but please believe me, she knows. ”
She wiped my tears away and smiled sweetly at me. This woman was truly something special. How could I not be in love with her when she looked at me like that? When she took care of me when I needed it the most? When she kicked my ass when I deserved it?
“It’s taken me some time, but I truly believe you’re right.
I believe she knows I love her and miss her, hard, every single day.
And I hope she is proud of the woman I’m trying to be.
My dad wasn’t thrilled when I came out, and he always said he would disown me if I was gay, but when it happened, he hugged me and told me he loved me no matter what, and my mother would kick his ass if he ever disowned me. ” I laughed between sobs.
“Thank you for sharing that with me. It means the world to me, that you trust me enough with your past.”
Ugh! Daisy Ann Fletcher was going to kill me one day! “Thank you for letting me.”
“Always, Kaia. Always. Do you want to finish the movie?”
I shook my head. “I think I’ve shed enough tears for one day, and it’s getting a little late. I’ll help you clean up and I may just head to bed, if that’s okay?”
She nodded and gave me another one of her calming hugs.
When we parted, she played with a strand of my hair and pushed it behind my ear.
She took a small step back, and I missed the warmth that surrounded me from her closeness.
“Of course. I’m just about ready for bed myself. Do you want some company tonight?”
I thought about it for a minute. On one hand, I knew that wasn’t a good idea.
I could toss my feelings aside in the light of day.
Pretend the love I had for her was normal for a best friend and that it wasn’t any other kind of love.
But at night, once the world went quiet and I was left with just my thoughts, things became harder.
Having Daisy fall asleep on me. Hearing her restful breathing. Imagining the life I wanted for myself.
But on the other hand, this was Daisy. No matter how much it hurt, if she wanted to spend time with me and fall asleep together, I wouldn’t deny her that. I wouldn’t deny her anything.
“I’d love some.”