Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
STEVIE
“Where are we going?” I ask Levi for the fifth time. As happy as I am with my new appearance and the fact that I finished the song, I want to rinse off and go to bed. Then again, it would be sad to see this makeup look go to waste. Maybe we’re headed to Kingston or another town nearby.
Levi smirks and doesn’t answer me once again.
Turning up the music, I give up on asking him and expect to be in the car for half an hour instead of another five minutes when we get to an empty parking lot on campus.
It’s the one farthest away from classes and dorms, so it’s usually empty every night.
Looking around to find something special about our spot, I come up empty. “What are we doing here?”
His eyes, which look a little bluer today, meet mine.
“Item number five.” And with that, he opens the driver’s side door and runs to my side.
A flicker of panic rises in me at what he’s doing.
I reach for the lock, but it’s too late.
He unbuckles my seat belt and pulls me out of the car, not harshly but enough that I’m not able to fight it.
I wiggle in his arms. “I’m going to wreck your car.”
He ignores my words and gently, but forcefully, drags me to the driver’s seat. “Don’t be so dramatic, Bambi. You had your license before last year.”
He has a point. “That still doesn’t mean I feel comfortable driving your car.”
After I try to push him off one last time, he laughs while forcing me to sit down, places my hands on the steering wheel, and buckles in my seat belt for me.
“I’m not a child, Levi.” I try pushing him away again and fail.
Once the seat belt clicks, he stands. “The fussing around says the opposite.” He shuts my door and sprints to the other side. I flip him off as he runs.
Levi gets in the car, chuckling. “All right, let’s do this thing.”
My hands grip the steering wheel until my knuckles whiten. Shit, I’m nervous. A knot forms in my chest. This is stupid. I’ve been driving since I was sixteen, but everything changed last spring. This is one of the few things I haven’t faced since then.
“You’ve got this, Bambi.” Levi’s left hand finds my right, and his thumb strokes the top of it softly. I look over at him, and his look isn’t one of pity but of confidence. He believes in me, so why don’t I believe in myself?
Then a memory hits me like a freight train.
“It’s inconvenient, but I never liked you driving alone anyway. What if you got into an accident or had a seizure while driving? You were lucky someone was with you in your room the first time. I’ll drive you anywhere you want, babe. You can count on me.”
I sit there staring at him blankly.
“What if we break up? Then what?” I ask, afraid that he’ll do it right here and then. “I don’t want to be a burden,” I repeat for the millionth time since my test results came back.
“You’re mine; therefore, you’re my burden.” Andrew smiles and attempts to make it sound romantic, but I don’t think he even knows what the word burden means. Before I can define it, he kisses me lightly, slowing my racing thoughts. “You can trust me. I’ll never hurt you.”
Rage courses through my veins, another piece of the puzzle clicking.
A puzzle that has been forcing me to see the true colors of what I used to believe was an amazing man, with whom I was in an amazing relationship.
Little did I know, it was made up of pretty little lies and secrets tied up in a nice bow of pure manipulation.
I’m not sure why these memories have been resurfacing more frequently lately.
Maybe it’s part of the healing journey I’m on.
And thanks to Levi and what I’m about to do, I get to say one more mental fuck you to Andrew.
Turning the key, I toss my phone to Levi. “Pick a song and make it a good one.”
“No pressure.” He lets out a heavy breath, and I wiggle my fingers around the steering wheel. I want something with a good beat and to be a little reckless, nothing that’ll hurt Levi’s car, of course. “Wow, you have more artists and genres on here than I do on my phone.”
I smirk. “I’m a little offended that you would think any less of me, Hotshot. Now pick one.”
He lets out a frustrated sigh, but I can see him silently laughing from the corner of my eye.
“The amount of older pop songs you have is— No fucking way. I haven’t heard this in years.” Waiting curiously, “Troublemaker” by Olly Murs plays, and I laugh as Levi throws his head back. He opens his mouth and starts singing as casually and playfully as ever.
Putting the gear in reverse, I pull out of the spot and brake harshly. Levi’s head thunks against the seat. His eyes widen when I peek at him.
“Stevie,” he warns.
“You put me in the seat, Hotshot.” I grin. The same anger coursing through my veins at the memories of my douche of an ex and the adrenaline of being behind the wheel again fuels me to be a little bit reckless.
“Stevie,” he repeats.
I giggle before blasting the music loud enough to drown out my thoughts.
Hitting the gas, the car surges forward, way faster than it should be for a parking lot.
Levi curses next to me and grabs onto the door and dashboard while I make a sharp turn.
Driving forward until I reach the end of the lot, I make another right and grin broadly.
Levi curses again and says the last thing I expect him to. “Is that the worst you can do, Bambi?”
I glance at him for a millisecond before heading toward the middle of the ample space instead of continuing until the end.
Slowing down to about twelve mph, I hear Levi take in a breath right before I clutch onto the steering wheel, twisting it to the right, maintaining control as it swivels, and pressing my foot onto the gas pedal.
The move causes the car to drift slightly, making one perfectly round donut, as well as making Levi eat his fucking words.
“Holy shit!” he shouts from beside me.
“Bad Reputation” by Joan Jett plays next, and I let the music guide me.
Putting the car in reverse, I wrap my right arm around Levi’s seat and look back, steering only with my left hand. My heart hammers in my chest, and I love this feeling. I forgot how good it felt to drive like this, like I used to with Jenny.
“Shit, shit, shit!” Levi yells, but I ignore him.
I drive about three reckless laps around the large lot in reverse before the song begins to come to an end. I dare to do one more donut before pulling into our previous spot, slamming the brakes so hard that both of our seat belts lock.
Lowering the volume of the music, I stare straight ahead, smiling for the millionth time, feeling the freest I have in a while. I haven’t driven like that since three summers ago, when Jenny’s ex-boyfriend taught us how to make donuts.
Turning to Levi, I find him with wide eyes and a slack jaw. I cringe slightly at the way I took advantage of his car. But then a cackle leaves him, making me jump.
“That was fucking awesome!” Levi shouts.
We look at each other and laugh. The adrenaline begins to fade, and I’m so grateful for him. What he did for me tonight and today was more than I would’ve ever expected.
My eyes tear up. “I keep having these realizations about Andrew and our relationship. It’s as if before it was…” I trail off, unable to find the right word.
“Hazy,” Levi finishes for me.
Nodding and letting out a sarcastic laugh, I reply, “I learned how to drive this way because Jenny convinced me a few years ago. It was only ever in safe places, and I never raced. Jenny’s ex did, though.
” Leaning my head back, I close my eyes.
“Andrew found out about it and convinced me to stop, even though no one was getting hurt. It made me feel free, and I quit to make him happy.”
He sighs. “He’s a dick.”
I chuckle. “Yeah, he is.” A brief moment of silence passes. “How did you get past the memories?”
He clears his throat, as if not expecting my question.
“I confronted him alone once I realized I had rose-colored glasses on the entire time we were together.” When I look at Levi, he’s no longer smiling.
He doesn’t look sad, either, he looks indifferent.
“I wanted to ask Joan to go to prom, but I needed closure first. Little did I know I already had it.” His head twists in my direction.
“Once someone treats you like anything less than you deserve, closure isn’t necessary.
That’s something you need to find within yourself.
Looking for it in someone who never loved you properly is useless.
” He taps his fingers on the door. “You’re almost at the finish line. ”
I’m not entirely sure what he means by that last part. The only thing that makes sense right now is that my feelings for Andrew are no longer there.
“I don’t love him anymore. I think we stopped being in a relationship a long time ago, and I stopped loving him the second I saw him with Tiffany. Maybe even before that.” I catch myself off guard with that one.
Levi nods in understanding.
“So why do memories of him, of us, still affect me the way they do?” I ask myself more than I do him, but he answers regardless.
“Falling out of love is hard, mourning that loss is even more difficult. But not giving in to despair and instead finding yourself—the one who existed before he came into your life, before he deceived you—is the most laborious part of the journey. Once it’s done, you’ll be your best self, and there’s no better reward than that. ”
His words echo in my mind. I never thought of falling out of love as a form of mourning.
No one ever explained it to me in those words, but it’s exactly what it feels like.
I’ve been mourning Andrew’s and my lost love before he and Tiffany happened, when he stopped trying last year.
I knew somewhere deep down that things were coming to an end, but I refused to admit it to myself for a long time.
The next step…self-healing. Levi mentioned finding myself again, and it all comes down to a journey of self-discovery, which I’ve already begun.
I’ve already taken various steps to ensure my own closure.
And that closure includes remembering the good and the bad, facing it, and letting go while focusing on myself.
That’s how he knows I’m close to the finish line.
“Thank you,” I whisper, swiveling my head to face him.
He laughs. “You need to stop saying that. You’re one of the strongest people I know, Stevie. I don’t know how you do it all.”
Those words hit me straight in the chest in the most amazing way possible.
My heart beats a little faster the longer we look at each other.
I can’t help the pull I feel toward him.
We understand each other. He understands me in ways nobody else has, not even Jenny.
Levi and I knowing each other profoundly so soon after meeting can either make us the best of friends or something more.
The thought both terrifies and excites me at the same time.
Although it’s dark, I can still make out his face in the moonlight.
His eyes dip to my lips and up again. It’s the second time he’s done that tonight, and I’m back to wanting something I probably shouldn’t.
I even convinced myself I didn’t, or at least I tried.
My hands itch, wanting to touch his face, hair, anything.
Screw it. I push ahead and give him a firm kiss before pulling back to see his reaction.
His eyes flutter open, and he assesses me once before growling like a feral animal, pulling my hair, and crashing his lips against mine.
This is nothing like last night. Our hands are roaming everywhere, but the console is keeping us separated.
Hoping that he won’t stop me like last night, I climb over to his side and like I’d hoped, he encourages me. He lifts me up and places me on top of him. Once I’m in his lap, our tongues slow down, and Levi pulls my hair harshly, making me gasp.
A small groan leaves him, and he bites my lip, causing me to moan and whisper his name in a plea to do it again.
“You like that, baby?” He bites it harder this time, dragging it into his mouth. “Answer me.” Levi’s lips move against my jaw.
“Yes, I like it.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own.
The heat building inside of me is triple what it was last night.
I feel his dick twitch underneath me, making me whimper.
And just like that, my head is elsewhere.
We aren’t in a car, we don’t live together, we aren’t two friends worried about ruining a great relationship. We’re two people living in the moment.
I shift my hips forward, causing friction between my pussy and his dick, our tongues thrashing against the other’s. Levi moans, and it’s one of the sexiest things I’ve ever heard a man do.
This time, I move my hand that’s on his chest lower slowly to make sure he’s okay with it.
The sharp pain at the force he uses to pull my head back causes me to grunt, but also sends a spark of pleasure throughout every inch of my body.
I’m looking him in the eye once my hand is on the button of his jeans.
I swallow harshly, waiting for him to say something.
His hair is messy, his pupils are dilated, and his chest is moving heavily.
He pulls me back in for a kiss and lifts his hips, causing me to yelp at the direct contact of his jeans with my clit.
Not waiting any longer, I pop the button of his jeans open—
A flash of light hits us, and a loud voice booms. “Hey! You kids can’t be here this time of night.”