2. Adabelle “Belle”
A FEW MONTHS AGO…
“I hate it here,” I said aloud to myself.
This was not what I thought my life would be when I left Newsome.
I had a plan, and it derailed when I met Carson.
I thought it was a good derailment.
In hindsight, I was young and caught up in the hype of a man taking care of me.
Belle Cari was worth it, and I damn sure was going to get it.
I had it, I loved it, and now it was gone.
Like Carson said, he paid the mortgage on the house for six months, but that was it.
There were so many other bills that I had to cover.
Some of the bills I wasn’t even aware of.
Did you know how much the light bill was for a 3,400 square foot home?
I found out after the first bill that I received that my home had three damn central air and heat units.
Let’s talk about the water bill, landscaping, housekeeping, car insurance, house taxes, and the damn credit card bill.
It was an amazing surprise that three of the credit cards that I used often were solely in my name.
Carson just paid the bill for me.
Two of the cards had over a one hundred thousand dollars limit, and the other had just under one hundred.
All of the cards were almost maxed out.
It felt like Carson decided to leave me at the worst time purposely.
In the six months, all the major bills hit like a damn wrecking ball.
I tried to stay afloat, I really did.
“What are you going to do now? Maybe you should downsize,” Gabrielle suggested.
“Sell the house and get an apartment.”
My eyelids stretched.
“Where, Gabrielle? Most of the jobs that I applied for won’t call me back. The others that I’m most qualified for with a damn high school diploma won’t sustain me enough to even afford an apartment in the fucking hood.”
“Belle, now is not the time to have this entitled pride. You don’t do anything but sit in this house and mope. Get your ass up and get two jobs if you have to. Carson gave you one hundred thousand dollars to get on your feet. What did you do the day after he put it in your account? You took your silly ass back to that damn boutique and bought eighteen damn thousand dollars’ worth of clothes. Who the hell does that?”
Yeah, I did that.
“Gabrielle, there was no way that I was going to let Geoffrey talk about me. Tell everyone that I’m broke. Fuck no. I have an image.”
She chortled.
“Newsflash, Belle—you’re fucking broke! No one gives a fuck about what someone is going to say about you. Image, are you fucking serious?” She laughed heartily.
“You really need to grow up and let what happened to you really soak into that head of yours. Your husband admitted that you two were never married. He was married to another woman with two children, and he left you with financial responsibilities that you never took the time to know about or deal with.”
Tears laced my cheeks.
I knew she was right, but what the hell was I supposed to do?
For over ten years, I maintained a certain class of life.
I was a part of an elite social circle and clubs that I now couldn’t afford the membership fees.
“I haven’t had a job since college. There’s nothing to put on my résumé, Gabrielle. I get what you’re saying, but I don’t know the first step to get where I need to be.”
Gabrielle’s eyes softened.
She lived a middle-class life where she worked hard for everything that she had.
I met her in college before I met Carson.
She knew the real me; Gabrielle knew Adabelle Caroline Lee.
A drunken night of me feeling sorry for myself caused me to pour out my soul to her.
She stood beside me through a lot.
I loved her for that.
She leaned forward on the island to grab my hands.
“These are the steps I would take. You aren’t obligated to take them, but I want you to honestly think about them. I would first put my house on the market, then I would go through my closet. Everything that still has a tag on it, I would sell it. Your car is paid off, so there’s no worry there.”
I laughed at her suggestion.
“Girl, that means that I would have to sell more than half my wardrobe. Whew, I’d have to repeat outfits.” The thought of that made my head hurt.
“I know you’re fucking lying. Did you just say to me that you would have to repeat outfits? So the fuck what! Who the hell do you have to impress? Those bitches at your precious clubs that don’t give a happy duck fuck about you?” Her eyes tightened.
“Look, call me when you’re ready to grow the hell up.
“You know I love you.
You are in a different space in your life that is requiring you to get off your ass and make some moves for yourself.
No one is going to take pity on you for a situation that you put yourself in.
Every time Carson told you to stop spending, you spent more as if you were saying fuck you.
The man would drop fifty thousand dollars in your account almost every week.
Instead of holding on to it, you went on a trip, shopping, trying to show off for your fake friends that don’t give a damn about you.
Trust me, when they find out Carson left and you’re in essence broke, they will show their true colors.
”
I knew she was right.
I’d seen them blackball women who didn’t live up to their standards anymore.
Gabrielle grabbed her crossbody purse, stood up, and put it across her body.
“The last thing that I would do is take my ass back home to Newsome until you got on your feet. You said that your grandmother left you a house that is paid for. Time to reassess everything and come to a realistic conclusion of what should happen.” She smoothly walked out of my house, giving me a lot to think about.
Minutes after she left, I broke down again.
I was tired of breaking down.
There was no way that I would be able to maintain my lifestyle at this rate.
I was already two months behind on mortgage.
I reached out to Carson to ask if he could give me a little more money.
He told me hell no, hung up, then blocked me.
A few days later, he changed his number.
I knew what I had to do.
I didn’t want to do it, but I knew.
My life had already changed, and now it was about to change in a way that felt more damning than Carson leaving me.
The thought of going back to Newsome made me want to throw up—the place where everyone was beneath me.
GROCERY STORE RUN IN…
“First, my name is Belle,” I said with my eyes on this bum nigga.
My head slowly turned in the other direction to glare at the other bum on the aisle.
“Secondly, bitch, fuck you.”
Fuck that cereal.
I backed out of the aisle, mad as hell.
This was why I didn’t want to come back to this godforsaken place.
A week or so after I had the conversation with Gabrielle, I buckled and called my mom.
As I knew she would, she told me to come home.
After I agreed, I put my house on the market.
Gabrielle helped me go through my closet to pick items to sell.
She convinced me to have a make room exclusive sale.
I invited all of the women that I knew could afford the clothing that I wanted to sell.
The premise of the sale was that I wanted to upgrade my wardrobe, but I needed more room.
I never thought it would work, but to my surprise, it worked like a charm.
Between my clothes, shoes, and accessories, I made two hundred and seventy thousand dollars which was less than half of what I paid for it.
I was hyped. That was until Gabrielle suggested that I used two hundred thousand dollars of what I earned to pay down my credit card debt.
Begrudgingly, I took her advice.
I couldn’t be broke and have bad damn credit.
My father paid for my car and things to be shipped.
Gabrielle suggested that I sell my furniture, but I said hell no.
I wanted to keep something nice if I had to go back to my podunk hometown.
Here I was, back in Newsome, Alabama.
I’d done well not to run into anyone, because I stayed in my house.
The random day I decided to go to the store, I run into bitch ass Tink and her cousin, Gunner.
It was impossible to forget the two of them.
Tink couldn’t stand me, and the feeling was mutual.
In high school, I talked so much shit about her.
I had one friend in high school, but I left her behind when I went to college.
I heard she got out of Newsome which was great for her.
Tink was this little thing compared to me.
I was a voluptuous woman with curves to kill for.
That was the one thing that I couldn’t leave behind.
I was a grass beef-fed, cornbread, thick girl from the south.
I moved through the store to get the things that I needed.
When I moved into my grandmother’s house, my mom had already stocked it with groceries.
When I ran out, I went to her with a list to get my groceries.
She looked at me like I was crazy before she told me that she wasn’t my maid or do-girl.
She could be so fucking difficult.
That was a part of the reason that I left.
I went down another aisle.
Like a plague, there Gunner was.
His back was to me, but I knew it was him.
He had been fine as hell since high school.
Time had been very nice to him because he was finer now.
Him being fine didn’t change the fact that his ass was probably broke.
His family owned a lot of land, one of the only two grocery stores in town, and the only liquor store.
I hurriedly grabbed the things I needed and was out of there.
Like God wanted to be entertained today, I saw Gunner and Tink in the parking lot.
I rolled my eyes when I saw what he was driving.
He was in this overly big pickup truck like the country boy that he was.
They watched me walk to my custom painted G-Wagon that was an anniversary present from Carson last year.
I looked out of my window, then turned my nose up at them.
Fuck them!
Just as I put my gear into reverse, there was a knock on my window.
My head snapped in that direction to see Tink.
I rolled my eyes as I rolled down my window.
“What can I help you with, little ugly?”
She smirked before she crossed her arms over herself.
“Girl, you wish I was ugly, but I digress though. I see you turning your nose up, but boo, sit down and shut up. For a bitch who was in a fake marriage and is dead ass broke, your ass should really be humble right now.” She tapped the top of my door.
“Let me know if you need a couple dollars. I got you.”
I couldn’t move.
How the hell did she know that?
I didn’t want anyone to know that.
My fucking mother!
I’d never driven so fast in my life.
I was ready to go home, but first I had a bone to pick with mommy dearest. My G-Wagon was barely parked before I jumped out.
“Mom!”
She stuck her head out of the kitchen.
“Girl, why are you so loud? Did you get what you needed from the store?”
“Have you been running your mouth about my damn business? I ran into Tink and her cousin at the store. She fucking said something about my fake marriage and being broke. I know she couldn’t have gotten that shit from anyone but your talk-too-much ass.” I was enraged.
My mother stepped fully out of the kitchen.
Her face was all kinds of screwed up.
Ask me if I cared. “Little girl, who the hell are you talking to like that? Now, I was wrong about discussing your business with my knitting group. I asked them how I could encourage you and get you to be more grateful for the things that you do have. I apologize for telling your business.”
I stepped closer to her.
“I don’t give a single solidary fuck what you asked. My business is not for public consumption. Leave it to your gossiping ass to make it.”
My mom rushed to me, then slapped me in my face.
“Look, lil girl, I don’t give a damn how you feel. Don’t you ever in your ungrateful life talk to me like that. I said that I was sorry about telling your business to people. You’ve been back here for months and think people are supposed to bow down to you. Well, let me burst your bubble. You aren’t that little teenager that everyone tolerated.
“It’s time to humble yourself because God surely did.
Last I checked, you’re living in a house that your grandmother left you when she died.
Do you remember what you told me when I told you that she left it to you?
I had to tell you about it because you were too busy to come to her funeral.
” She paused, then put her hand on her hip.
“Your ungrateful ass told me that you would never live in that lil ass house. You were nasty to my fucking mother, but she still loved you enough to leave you a house you didn’t deserve.”
My hand was on my face in surprise.
My mother had never hit me before.
“How dare you hit me when you were wrong.”
“I never said that I wasn’t wrong, lil girl. I apologized because I was wrong. You talking to me like you’re crazy will never be alright. As far as me hitting you, I should have beat your ass when you were little. If I had, maybe you wouldn’t have grown up to be the disrespectful, entitled, ungrateful bitch that you are now.” She stepped into my personal space.
“Now get the fuck out of my house until you find your respect.”
I turned on my heels, then stormed out of my parents’ house.
Her ass was mad at me, but she was the one that was wrong as hell.
I was sure the entire town knew my business by now.
I hate it here.
When I got home, I put my groceries up, then sat on my couch.
I looked around the house that I lived in.
It was a four-bedroom, two-and-a-half-bathroom house.
The closets were so small that I had to turn one of the bedrooms into a closet.
Yes, the house was much smaller than my house in California, but I couldn’t deny that it was a very nice house.
My body shifted to the sound of a key unlocking my door.
My father barged in with fire in his eyes.
“Little girl, I’ve been nice for way too damn long.” He stood over me.
“If you ever in your damn life disrespect your mother like you did earlier, there are going to be more problems than solutions in your life.”
I couldn’t believe this shit.
“While your wife is acting like the victim, did she tell you what she did to make me come to her house and ‘disrespect’ her?” I used air quotes when I said the word disrespect.
“Yes, she did tell me that she ran her mouth about your business, trying to get advice on how to handle your rude, ungrateful ass. I told her that she was dead ass fucking wrong. Guess what? So the fuck am I. I told Griff about what was going on with you too. Yeah, curse me the fuck out. I thought what you went through would make you see life through a different lens, but I see it made you more difficult than when you were younger.” His voice was loud.
My dad was overall a quiet person.
When he was in conflict, he normally was the person to walk away, cool his head, then come back.
It looked like he didn’t take this time to cool his head.
“Well, both of you need to mind your business. I don’t need every bum in Newsome knowing what’s going on in my life.” I rolled my eyes.
My dad just gawked at me for a beat.
“From where I’m standing, you’re the bum now. Let me tell you what you’re going to do. Get your fucking ass up and apologize to your mother. After that, you’re going to carry your ass to Gunner’s house to get one of the puppies from the new litter he breaded. Maybe if your ass had something to take care of, you will find some compassion for others.”
When I started to refuse, the look he gave me told me that it wasn’t a good idea to play with him.
My father stood there until I got up.
He followed me to his house to apologize to my mom.
In the beginning of the apology, I didn’t mean it.
After I saw the hurt on her face, I felt horrible.
By the end of the apology, my heart softened.
I was still upset about what she did, but I admitted that I shouldn’t have talked to her like I did.
After my apology, my dad gave me Gunner’s address.
It would be him that had a damn puppy.
He lived on the other side of town from my parents.
I sat in my car for a minute to look at his house.
It was a nicely sized brick house.
Let’s get this over with.
He opened the door with a puppy in his hand and no shirt.
I had to get myself together, because he was a sight to damn see.
I told him that I didn’t want to be called Adabelle anymore, but his hardheaded ass just wouldn’t listen.
“My dad told me to come over here for a dog or something. Is that the mutt?” I asked with a tilted head.
It was a cute puppy, but it looked like a damn mutt.
I didn’t want a mutt.
Gunner looked down at the puppy before his head snapped back to me.
“You got me and My Boy fucked up. I don’t breed fucking mutts, stuck-up ass girl. This is a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. Get the fuck from my doorstep.” He slammed the door in my face.
I stood there with wide eyes and shock.
Did he really just slam the door in my face?
Seconds later, this rude ass nigga turned off his porch light.
Fuck him.
A FEW DAYS LATER…
I’d been holed up in my house.
It felt like I was slipping into a depression.
My stupid ass had the genius idea to do some snooping on social media.
Needless to say, I got my feelings hurt.
I wanted to see how Carson and his wife were doing.
More than that, I wanted to see how Mrs. Kimberly looked.
It didn’t take much to find her page, and my heart was immediately broken.
The few times that I visited Carson in Texas, we were always in hotels.
Color me surprised when I pulled Kimberly’s page to see him and his wife lived on the outskirts of Dallas on a fucking farm.
His wife was beautiful, thick, and a farm girl.
I was talking lifting hay, feeding horses, and milking cows kind of bitch.
She was the complete opposite of the person that I showed myself to be when I was with Carson.
I tried so hard to be someone different than a backwoods country girl, and he ended up falling in love with that kind of girl.
If that wasn’t some shit, I didn’t know what was.
What drove me crazy was that he looked so in love and happy.
I didn’t think I’d ever remembered a time when he looked at me like he did her.
Their children were adorable.
Two and a half years into Carson’s and my fake marriage, I told him that I wanted to have a baby.
He told me with strong conviction that he did not want children.
He claimed children were not something that he saw for himself and wasn’t interested.
As I looked at him with his family, it became real that he just didn’t want a child with me.
There had been a lot of realizations in the last couple of days that had crumpled my self-esteem.
My mom was right: God humbled the hell out of me.
This was a feeling that I never thought I would experience.
Last night, I thought about the years that Carson and I were together.
He said that he met his wife six years ago.
Did I see any changes in him?
At the time, I didn’t, but I can’t say that I was looking for them.
Yes, he told me that he would have to spend a lot more time in Texas.
I didn’t think anything about it because he traveled for most of our relationship.
The few times that I traveled to visit him when he claimed he had to be there for an extended time, I hated it.
I made sure that I told him as often as possible.
When he suggested moving, I told him that he was crazy.
I vaguely remembered him saying something about me not being willing to sacrifice for him.
Well, I was happy I didn’t, because we weren’t married any damn way.
When he started staying in Texas longer, it didn’t faze me because he left his money.
My eyes rolled up in my head when I heard a key unlock my front door.
I didn’t have to look to see who it was.
“Hi, Daddy,” I greeted without turning around.
When he came into my view, the scowl that sat on his face led the way.
Here we go with the bullshit.
“Little girl, what is wrong with you? I just don’t get you.”
“Daddy, what are you talking about?” The past few weeks had been the most that I’d ever heard my dad fuss at me.
Normally, it was my mother.
He sat on the ottoman that was in front of where I sat on the couch.
His dejected expression bothered me.
I felt like a little girl under his stare.
“Baby girl, I feel like I didn’t love you right or some shit. Since you were younger and you showed disdain for who you were, where you were from, I told your mother that you would probably grow out of it. It just got worse as you got older. You became a person that I love but don’t like.
“Do you know how crazy of a feeling that is to not like the child that you raised?
I always wondered where the entitlement came from because it wasn’t something that ya mama and I instilled in you.
” When the tear dropped from his eye, one dropped from mine.
“Gunner’s father told me what happened when you went to get a puppy. You are so damn disrespectful.”
I dropped my head.
To hear that my father loved but didn’t like me was another blow to my spirit.
“Daddy, I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. How was I supposed to know that the puppy wasn’t a mutt?”
“Adabelle, I told you that the puppy was from one of the damn litters that he bred. Why the hell would a breeder breed mutts?” His arms flailed in the air.
“Make that make sense like you young people say. I’m too old for this dumb shit.”
My face stoned over for a moment before I burst into laughter.
“Daddy, you act like you’re so old. You’re only what, fifty-three?”
He glared at me for a minute before he joined me in laughter.
“I may be young in body, but I’m old in mind, lil girl.” We laughed together for a second more.
Once we both calmed down, his face turned serious.
“Belle, something gotta change, baby girl. The number of people that I’ve had to check since you been back because of something they said about you makes no sense. I defend you every time, but the reality is that most of them were telling the truth about you.”
“Daddy, what are people saying about me?” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
I wasn’t sure why I cared about what people said about me.
I never had before.
My father told me about all the negative things that the people around here were saying.
They talked about my business that my mother made available for pass around.
A lot of what people said wasn’t exactly the truth.
It was like the game telephone.
The tale of my life had changed drastically from the tale my mother told.
I wasn’t sure where it came from that I was in a polyamorous relationship.
Small town gossip was hell.
“Baby girl, I need you to apologize to Gunner. That man was doing me a favor by giving you one of his puppies. He could have sold that puppy for up to eight hundred dollars, but instead, he offered to give it to you for me.” That made me feel bad.
Not enough to necessarily want to apologize though.
I kissed my teeth. “Daddy, he slammed the door in my face after he cussed me out,” I whined.
“If I owe him an apology, then he owes me one too.”
“Belle, that man had every right to cuss your ass. I personally would have cussed you more. That man loves his dogs like I love you.” My dad extended his hand.
“Come on, lil girl. We gonna go over there and see if he still got that puppy after you apologize.”
I took his hand to let him pull me from my seat.
“Daddy, I really don’t think I need to apologize. I missed the part about you saying he bred dogs. This is the country. You know most of the people around here have a bunch of mutts.”
“You got me there, but no, not Gunner. That man hunts on the professional level. All of his dogs are purebred hunting and hound dogs.” My dad should have led with the fact that he was a hunter.
I still remembered that hunters were serious about their dogs.
My mind went to my dad telling me a little earlier that he didn’t like me.
It reminded me of when Carson told me something similar.
“ I can admit that I barely like you. ” In a moment of uncertainty, I asked the question that pierced my heart.
“Daddy, am I really that unlikable of a person?”
With softened eyes, he cupped my face in his hand.
He sighed before he responded.
“Yes, baby, you are.” Leave it to Jessie Cory Lee to be bluntly honest. “You don’t have to be though. You have to make the decision to want to change. If you don’t change, I can promise you that when you’re alone, old, and gray, you’re going to wish you had.”
My heart knew my dad was right, but I’d been me for so long.
I never thought about whether I was an unlikable person when I was in California because I had enough money to not give a fuck.
The stark reality was that money couldn’t buy likes.
Now that I was in a place where I no longer had the money, I would have to earn my likes the honest way.