Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
CHELSEA
Senior year—Twelve years ago
My sweet baby sister has large round eyes and is twisting the side of her tee shirt as she looks up and asks, “Is Dad coming home tonight?”
“I don’t know, Ad. He hasn’t been here in a few weeks.”
“I know, that’s usually when he comes back, though, right? Christmas is in three days. I want him to see the tree we decorated. Do you think he’ll like my ornament I made in art?”
I brush the hair out of her face. “Who wouldn’t love that ornament?” I smile and try to calm my racing heart, hating the unknown expectancy of our dad.
I hear the back door slam, then a loud thud and we both run down the hallway to see what’s happening.
“Daddy!” Adley cries.
“Molly! Get out here right now! I told you not to put that tree up until I was here to do it with them!”
“How was I supposed to know when you were going to show up? You haven’t been here in weeks. They’re children, we have to prepare for Christmas, Ed!” my mom yells back as she appears from the kitchen.
“And. I. Told. You. To. Wait.” His tone is sinister, and I don’t like the way he’s looking at my mom, then the way he stalks to the tree.
“Dad, no!” I yell out realizing what he’s about to do.
He grabs the tree in the middle of the trunk and yanks. The light cord snaps from the outlet in the wall and some of the balls hanging on the tree break as they hit the wood floor with a tinkling sound, leaving glass shards everywhere.
Adley is in hysterics, begging dad not to throw away the ornament she made.
Mom runs after him, trying to grab hold of the tree.
He pushes her away from him easily and I begin to cry at the sight of him putting his hands on her.
He continues through the front door, dragging our once beautiful tree down to the sidewalk and throws it next to the garbage cans.
“When I tell you to wait for me, you do it. Nothing is done until I say so, do you understand me?”
I awake from the nightmare covered in sweat. They’ve been happening more frequently, and I feel it’s because my time here at college is getting shorter. I’m going to have to go home after graduation unless I get a job placement that will pay my rent and food.
I feel like I’ve been becoming the woman I’m supposed to be, these last few years. I’m getting stronger in knowing what I want out of life and what I won’t accept. I spent too many years watching Dad come and go as he pleases, I don’t want that type of drama in my life.
My sister and I got used to his unknown arrivals, seeing him walk in from work every night for a week and then missing him for the next three. His presence was erratic, and I became jumpy and always on edge because of it. It’s like we were living on eggshells waiting for the door to open.
The problem was we didn’t know which man we were getting when that door finally did open.
Sometimes he’d be happy, and not because of anything we had done, but just because he had hit a good cash out for the week in his gambling, or he had already been to the bar and had a few beers before coming home to us.
But the times he wasn’t happy, that’s when it was bad, and I wish he hadn’t come home at all.
My dad has always chosen liquor, gambling, and other women over my mother, and us. Even though we knew not to expect much from him, it was hard to watch her let him come and go in and out of our lives. I don’t know why she let it continue. It did nothing to teach us what a good marriage was.
I hate it more for my sister, who’s been stuck there going through it while I’m here at school.
It wasn’t fair for me to leave her, but I needed to get out.
Adley’s current relationship is showing those same signs of non-committal and I worry for her.
Her boyfriend has bailed on her numerous times at the last minute.
She plays it off like it doesn’t bother her, but I know it does.
And I also know she’s only with this guy because he shows her a bit of attention.
I refuse to be in that kind of relationship. I definitely don’t want a man who’s always running out the door.
Getting up and heading to the bathroom to wash my face, I change my tee shirt that is soaked through with sweat.
After two years, I still won’t let Adam stay over for more than two days in a row.
I only get a small window of reprieve before the nightmares return and I don’t want to have to explain them to him.
He knows my dad bailed; we don’t need to go into the gory details.
I check the clock and see it’s almost time to get up anyway.
I have an appointment with my therapist, Mrs. Landow, this morning.
After taking a psych class last semester, I can see that I have underlying trauma caused by the absence of a good father, or more so, the inconsistencies of him in my life.
If Adam and I are going to work out, I need to make sure my abandonment issues don’t rise to the top of our relationship.
* * *
“Chelsea, we’ve spent several sessions discussing your need for control.
We know that it likely stems from you losing control of your home life growing up.
I’m concerned that as soon as a situation begins to spiral for you, you will quickly instigate change to make sure to flip the script so you’re the one back in control. ”
“How would I do that?”
“I’m going to give you a few examples of what I’ve heard from you in our past sessions because I want you to be aware that it’s already happening and now you can be mindful of how to work on changing it.”
“Ok, I’m listening.”
“For one, you chose a college a great distance away from home. This ensured you were too far away to make a quick decision to go home, and it also prevented your family from showing up unexpectedly to see you. Moving away gave you control over who you had in your life and when.” I nod.
“Secondly, holding Adam at arm’s length gives you control over what he learns about you. You’re not giving him your full self because you’re afraid he will leave if he knows the dirty details.”
“Arm’s length? But we’re together all the time.”
“You’ve told me that you don’t allow him to stay over for more than two nights in a row because you’re afraid of the questions that will arise if you have a nightmare while he’s there.
You avoid the topic of where you two will end up once you graduate.
You haven’t introduced him to anyone besides your sister.
You’re keeping big secrets, Chelsea and it’s not fair to Adam.
You have to be willing to give him a chance to either help you move forward from this trauma together, as a couple, or let him decide on his own if it’s too much for him to handle. And then let him go.”
I don’t like the way my body reacts to those words. My worst fear is losing Adam because of my past, but I could already be losing him for not opening up to him.