Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
ADAM
“Because I love you. Is that enough? Is it enough that the whole reason why I exist is to love you?”
My heart rate increases, and I can feel the elation running through my body.
I’ve waited so long to hear her say she loves me again.
I knew I’d never get over her. There was no other choice for me but to wait for her.
But I failed that waiting period. It makes me a hypocrite to say but thank fucking Christ she was not with anyone else while we were apart. I’d have to find him and bury him.
“I thought it was us until the end, Chelsea. I know we had things to work out, I know we weren’t always the best, but I never thought it was that bad that you’d leave me without a word.”
Being with Chelsea for years, I know her story.
I know her father chose his vices over his family.
Chelsea and her sister were both young when he started staying out, but they saw the toll it took on their mother.
It was the three of them trying to get by for so long, and when her father would come back intermittently and try to step into the role of authoritarian, it messed with her mind.
She couldn’t put it together that a father figure came and went when that was not how the rest of the world viewed fatherhood.
A father cared for, protected and loved his family. He did anything he needed to make sure they were taken care of.
Her father chose alcohol and gambling above them. Above their mother. Above fucking food! When I remember her telling me there were nights they all went to bed hungry because her dad didn’t come home on pay day, it made me sick. I wanted to find him and beat him to within an inch of his life.
I was not brought up that way. My father took great pride in providing for his family. He took great pride in providing for a son that wasn’t even his. But he accepted him and took him in because it’s what Jackson needed.
I was taught that. And yeah, I may have gotten sidetracked or overzealous about taking care of everyone, but I was never lost on what being a father meant.
“It is us to the end. I wanted it to be anyway. I didn’t know how to do it, Adam.
I was afraid. I was afraid the same thing was going to happen.
You were going to always choose something other than us.
All I saw was that you were busy working and running from site to site.
I couldn’t see past the fact that you were doing it to secure a future. All I saw was you not being there.”
She spins that love knot ring I gave her. She never took it off.
“If we do this, will you leave again? I can’t watch you go. Especially not with my son. Can you understand that I am all in? That what I do is for us, as a family, not because I don’t want to spend time with you, or because I’m looking to fill a different void, but because I’m building our future?”
She studies me. I know she wants to say yes but her complicated past is taunting her, whispering in her ear that I’ll leave like her father did.
Like Adley’s fiancé did. She doesn’t realize that she has to be vulnerable in order to make this work.
That she can be vulnerable without being fearful.
She has to trust me to catch her. Always.
I step closer to her. “My family wants you here, Chels. With them. With me. They want us to win. They don’t want secrets to keep us apart. They want us to move forward.”
“Do you?” she whispers.
“I want it more than my next breath, Peaches.” I connect with her, my hands reaching her face, cradling her cheeks and she nuzzles into me.
I wipe the tears that have leaked from her eyes, mine coming a close second to matching hers.
“I think our conversation earlier was more for you and I than it was for Dom. He’s going to love us no matter what we tell him.
He’s going to be happy to have both of us around him.
So, now we decide to be happy together, too. ”
“How can you say that? How can you still want me when I kept the biggest secret ever from you?” She shakes free of me. “So many secrets. I just, I can’t… I don’t understand.”
I know she’s spiraling backwards, her trauma taking her back in time, not allowing her to fully understand I just want to move forward. With them. I just want my family.
“Because this time, I get to decide for us. I get to decide for you and I’m deciding you’re not running anymore.
Let me take that burden from you. Let me shoulder the weight of what you think are failures.
They’re not! They’re markers to show where you’ve grown, points in time where you can see something you tried didn’t work so now you get to choose a different route.
Let those failures be strengths to support you now.
” I reach for her hand again. “I know who you are, babe. I’ve been waiting for you to see that person. ”
“But I don’t know who I am! I’ve been fighting my whole life to be noticed, and now I don’t know how to process the changes. And then you were there. Always there like the good man you are. But I don’t know what good men are—”
“I’m calling bullshit. You didn’t have a good influence growing up, I get that, but since you’ve been here, with me?
You have more than your share of examples of good men.
My dad, Tom, hell, even Jackson. Don’t you dare tell him I said that.
” She smirks and grabs for my other hand.
“But you’re scared. And I get it. I do. But it’s time to be fearless.
It’s time to trust. I don’t care what anyone says.
I’m here. I want to be here; now I just need you to see it.
See me. I’m begging CJ. For your sake, mine and Dominic’s.
See me.” My hold on her fingers tighten, my throat beginning to close up.
“I was so selfish. And it caused heartache for everyone around me.”
“What’s selfish is going without. Missing out on a love that was stronger than anything that could have possibly broken us.
I’ve waited two long years. I almost gave up, but then you found me again.
It’s been you from the start. I’ve fought for the wrong things and sat back when I shouldn’t have.
I can only do so much; I can only try to make you see what I see.
But I need you to know it would’ve been true then and it’s true now.
I want even more.” Her eyes go round, and a smile crosses my face.
“I pictured a large family with you Chelsea from the first day we met. I saw it happening. We’re good Chelsea.
So good. And it kills me that you think you don’t deserve it.
But guess what? You do deserve it. And yeah I’ve waited a lot of time to get your love back.
But if you’re not going to give it, I have to let it go.
It will kill me. But this is killing me more.
You’re here but you’re not all in. I need you to be all in.
I need you to be all in with us as a family.
It’s time Chelsea. I know what I want. Now it’s time to decide what you want and not be afraid to go forward.
It’s time to make a decision and stick with it. ”