Chapter 43 #2
About eight weeks ago, I was supposed to marry someone else.
Please don’t freak out. Just know that I never loved him because I have been, and always will be, hopelessly in love with you.
At the time, I didn’t know you were in love with me too.
I knew something wasn’t right about marrying him.
I guess he was a placeholder because I never thought you and I would become anything other than friends.
On my wedding day, I ran away, and you were right there on the sidewalk, sitting in your new sports car as if you were ready to whisk me away from him.
He turned out to be a cheater who used me to boost his music career.
I don’t know if you remember him, but his name was Huck.
The thing is, Leon, when we got to your place, you took care of me, just as you have been doing for years.
Our love for one another is deeply rooted in friendship.
We were friends long before we were anything more.
On the same day, Ash showed up and gave you his blessing to tell me how you felt about me.
All of our friends could see what we weren’t brave enough to voice.
We stayed silent and never acted on our feelings to protect my relationship with my brother.
As a sister of one of your teammates, Ash warned you about me a long time ago.
We respected his wishes, although we shamefully shared a few secret kisses when we were younger.
I knew we’d never be anything more than that until sixteen years later, when Ash and my mom suggested we go on my honeymoon.
Together. Everything turned out perfectly, like I was living in a fairy tale.
Before we left, you told me how you felt about me, and you kissed me for the first time in sixteen years!
That sounds crazy when I tell you, but it was the most incredible night of my life because I felt the same way.
I still do. When we stopped in Vegas, in a drunken whirlwind of who the hell knows what, we got married.
That’s something you and I both can relate to because neither of us remembered we did.
And yet, it all felt so perfect. Then we flew to Bora Bora, in love, giddy, excited, and agreeing to spend the rest of our lives together until, on day thirteen of our vacation, we boarded your new yacht.
She’s beautiful, and I love that you named her after me.
You have no idea how much that means to me, Leon.
The reason you proposed to me, even when we were already married, is because you couldn’t remember doing it in Vegas.
Neither of us knows how getting hitched even happened; it’s all a blur. And the rest… you know.
Fucking hell, talk about a shotgun, whirlwind romance. We went from nothing for years to everything within a few weeks.
I wish I could remember it all. I want to know. I want to remember.
Me:
Thank you.
Erika:
It didn’t freak you out?
Me:
It didn’t, but I don’t understand what took us so long to get together.
Erika:
A few reasons. Respect for my brother. Your friendship with him. You made him a promise. I was his sister and off limits. Also, he didn’t want you breaking my heart like you'd broken the hearts of all the other girls you’d been with.
Me:
Fuck. I hate the sound of that.
Erika:
That’s not who you are anymore. You hadn’t slept with anyone or been on any dates for two years before me.
Me:
That does not sound like me at all.
Erika:
It’s true.
Me:
Was I saving myself for you?
Erika:
Subconsciously, you were.
Me:
And you? You were going to marry someone else.
Erika:
Because I didn’t think you liked me romantically.
Turns out I was wrong. We confessed how much we loved each other about a week after I called off the wedding.
We didn’t sleep together until after we told each other we loved each other.
It was very romantic and special. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Me:
I don’t remember.
Erika:
I wish you did.
Me:
Me too.
Having a heart-to-heart with someone I don’t know seems weird, but also, in a way, feels oddly familiar. I have a question that’s been bothering me.
Me:
My yacht is called Keira. Not Erika. Who’s Keira? Is that your middle name?
Erika:
It’s an anagram of my name.
Me:
Why did I do that?
Erika:
To hide your love for me.
Fuck me. I’m a hopeless romantic. I’m also crazy.
Crazy in love with her, it would seem. I’m powerless against my mind—a powerful opponent with its own agenda.
A war of emotions, like a painful knot, tightens as I struggle with guilt for not remembering Erika and sadness for a love I don’t remember.
Me:
I’m going to make a stab at a guess and say we don’t live together because this all happened so fast.
Erika:
Correct. You did ask me to move in with you the night you made love to me in front of the fire in your living room.
Me:
Did you say yes?
Erika:
Not right away. We weren’t married yet. But I was always going to say yes.
Me:
And now?
Erika:
Nothing for me has changed. On the other hand, for you, it has.
Me:
If you move in with me, it might help my memory come back quicker. No funny business, that’s not why I’m asking.
Erika:
Funny business?
Me:
Sex. There would be no expectation. You can move into one of the guest rooms.
Erika:
Can I think about it?
Me:
We’re married.
Erika:
I’m married to the man I love. You’re married to a stranger.
Me:
Please think about it.
Erika:
Okay, and I want to talk more, but I really need to go to an emergency that’s just come in.
Me:
Will you visit me?
Erika:
Yes. I promise. I don’t know when, but I’ll be there.
Me:
I can’t wait.
Erika:
Good night, Leon, and try to get some rest. Doctor’s orders.
Even though I don’t really know her, I’m already excited to see her again, only this time I hope I don’t break her heart as I did earlier.
I will get better; I will get therapy. To remember her.
Erika.
The girl that I have apparently kept hidden in my heart for years and is now hidden in my brain in some secret place I can’t access.
About to close my messages, Erika reenters the conversation.
Erika:
I love you. x
Fuck, I so want to say it back. I wish I could, and I wish I knew how much I loved her. Wish I could feel it.
Open up, memories. Let me in.