Olivia
This was not supposed to happen.
As I walk inside my house, by myself, I close the door and shake my head.
After kicking my heels off, I blink and laugh out loud.
It’s a high-pitched sound, a sound of disbelief, and it gets Vivien Leigh’s attention because she walks out of the bedroom and stares at me, ears perked and head cocked to the side.
“He was supposed to try to sleep with me,” I tell her, taking my earrings out and tossing them on the counter.
“He was supposed to come inside, expecting sex, and then I was supposed to turn the heat up just until it got hot. And then…Bam! I shut him down, call him out on his shit, and send him packing. That is what was supposed to happen. So I can get on with my life and stop catfishing a catfish, who, by the way, Viv, isn’t all that fishy. ”
I take in a deep breath and head over to the fridge. I open it, close it, and look back at Vivien, who is still staring at me like I’m nuts and she wants her dinner. I was telling Luca the truth when I said I’m really afraid of dogs, including her. I fill her bowl.
Then I grab my phone and call Sadie.
“What’s going on?” she answers on the second ring. “It’s only ten.”
“And I am alone so I figured I should call you,” I say, sitting down on the couch in a huff.
“Damn girl, you already kicked him to the curb. You are efficient. How did he take it?” she asks.
“He took it just fine,” I mutter. “I, on the other hand, don’t know how I got myself into this mess.”
“What mess?” she asks.
“I invited him inside. And he kissed me,” I start.
“Okay…”
“And then he left. Without coming inside. Without sleeping with me. Not that I want to sleep with him, I don’t.
But it’s kind of hard to use and abuse a guy when he kisses you deeply under the light of a street lamp and then just walks off,” I say.
“And to make matters worse…he said he’d call me.
He’s going to call me, Sadie! For a third date! ”
“That’s great,” she says.
“You forgot the sarcasm in that answer,” I say.
“That’s because there isn’t any. Olivia, this is perfect. I mean, a shutdown would have been great. A little crack in his ego. But this…this is even better.”
My face twists in confusion. I am starting to think everyone has lost their minds.
“How is this better? Or good at all?” I ask. “I have to go out with him…again.”
“Exactly!” she says. “You’re going to go out with him again. And maybe even again. And then, when he least expects it, you break him.”
“Right…” I say.
But nothing about that feels right. Because jerk or not, I don’t do things like that. I don’t use and abuse men. Or anyone for that matter. It’s not who I am. Before I can overthink it, I go to bed.
The next morning I grab a coffee before heading upstairs to the studio as usual. But unlike the usual, I open the straw and enjoy the first couple of sips before going inside, knowing full well that I am going to be bombarded by my gossip hungry co-workers in three, two, and…
“Why are you just standing out in the hallway?! Get in here!” Kiersten literally yanks me into the studio, and I nearly drop my coffee.
“I’m not even late, what’s the rush?” I ask. But I know what the rush is. They want to know about the date.
“We need to know what happened,” Henry says eagerly.
“All of it,” Kiersten adds.
“Aren’t you going to find out about all of it on the air?” I ask. “We are still doing that, right? Smearing my personal life all over the internet.”
“Hell yeah we’re still doing it,” Henry says. “But we want the unfiltered version.”
“The unfiltered version,” I echo as I situate my things. God, I am glad I got coffee before walking in here. If anything, I wish I had something stronger to put in it. Maybe I should start keeping shooters of Bailey’s in my purse. Just until all this blows over.
“Yes!” Kiersten prods, and I know they’re not going to drop it. So once again, I summarize the insanity that is my quote-unquote dating life right now.
“The date went well. Bougie and delicious–”
“Are you referring to Luca or the food?” Henry winks and they both laugh.
“I did what I was supposed to. I laid it on thick. He drove me home. He kissed me,” I say.
“And then?” Kiersten asks. They are so far at the edge of their seats they are practically sitting on top of me.
“And then…that was it,” I say flatly as I organize my space and look at my notes.
“What do you mean? What was it?” Henry asks.
“I mean…I invited him inside. And he just left.”
“He just left,” Kiersten parrots.
“He just left,” I say again. “Well, he said he’d call me. But yeah. He just left. Which is terrible because I wasn’t able to butter him up enough to call him on his shit and–”
“No, this is better,” Kiersten cuts me off in the same place Sadie did and with a similar response. “Yeah. This is definitely better. The plan is working. He wants to see you again, which means feelings are getting involved.”
I snort out a laugh. “Yeah, I don’t know about that. He’s charming, sure, but he’s kind of…robotic. I’m not sure the man has ever been in love.”
“Until now,” Henry says, and I roll my eyes. Then he gets serious. “We’re on in thirty seconds,” he says, and we all shuffle around.
Then I take a deep breath and switch hats once again. I’m starting to feel like a one-woman circus act.
“Hello everyone, and welcome back to Unmatched, the only podcast dedicated to deleting the apps and putting yourself out there the old-fashioned way. I am Olivia Ramone.”
“And I’m Kiersten K,” she jumps in.
“And we are diving even deeper today into our Right Swipe, Wrong Person series dedicated to everyone’s nemesis–catfish.”
“Speaking of that,” Kiersten cuts in again, this time not rehearsed. “We are trying something a little different. Because what better way to show what catfish are really like than a live demonstration?”
Oh dear.
Not that I didn’t think we were doing this, but reliving it is more painful than I remember. Especially considering the current events. Still, I let her go on. What else am I going to do?
“If you listened to our last episode, then you already know Olivia has been going out with someone new. Someone you all know. And while he may be 6 foot…” She looks at me.
“Six three,” I mumble.
“And his real-life body looks more photoshopped than the average profile picture; he is lying about one thing. And that is his interest in his dates. In love. In connection,” she goes on.
“When people think of catfish, they think of the date who shows up shorter than they said, less attractive than their photos showed, or maybe a different job than they vaguely claimed to have. The engineer you were expecting actually just fixes ice cream machines at fast-food chains. They make six figures, but the first three are zeros. You know the type. But what we don’t talk about, what needs to be talked about, are the catfish who string you along for a while with ill intentions.
They pretend to be who you want them to be, and then when they get what they want, they ghost you and move on to their next victim.
And that, as much as you all don’t want to hear it, is exactly who the CEO of everyone’s favorite dating app is turning out to be.
And as all of you know, Olivia was asked out on a second date last night.
And lucky for you, we get to hear all about it right now. ”
Kiersten stops and looks at me. And as much as I want to crawl under the table and pretend none of this is happening, I know I can’t back out now.
“The rumors are true,” I say. “I was asked out on a second date and yes, we went out. And…he was charming.”
“Unmatched Dating 101: Rule #19, everyone,” Kiersten cuts in. “Charm is dangerous. Charm is how snakes hypnotize their prey. Never trust charm.”
“Honestly, he took me to a very high-end speakeasy; the food was great, and the conversation was fun. He checked all the boxes,” I go on before Kiersten hops back in again.
“Sounds like five stars. A real ten out of ten.”
Honestly…yeah. It was.
“But you know what they say about tens,” she says. “They’re suspicious. Not to be trusted. Fishy, if you will.”
Or decent guys?
My head is spinning as Kiersten goes on about men with ill intent and ulterior motives. Meanwhile, the callers are ringing in like crazy.
“It looks like we have a lot of listeners with thoughts on all of this,” Kiersten says. “Why don’t we see what they have to say?”
Henry sends one through the line.
“Hello, what’s your name?” I ask.
“Deanna,” the girl answers eagerly.
“Hi Deanna. What are your thoughts?” I ask.
“I have been listening since the beginning, and I want to ask the question I feel like we are all wondering about,” she says.
“And what is that?” Kiersten asks. But I know what it is. And guessing by the smirk on Kiersten’s lips, I am pretty sure she knows too.
“Did you sleep with him?”
“He kissed me and he said goodnight,” I say, and Deanna ughs into the phone.
“My thought exactly,” Kiersten says. “He’s obviously stringing her along. To get what he wants.”
“Hang on,” I cut in. Because at this point, I need to. “If he was stringing me along, to get what he wants, wouldn’t he be trying to get me in bed?”
“Not if he wants you emotionally invested,” Deanna says. “I mean, yes, sleeping with guys can make us clingy, but sweet porch light kisses and a promise to call again? Girl he might be the catfish, but the hook is in you,” she says, and my eyes narrow as I wrap my brain around that.
“Listen,” Deanna says, and I’m starting to feel like she is the host and I’m the caller. “I’ve done a lot of digging on…this man. And his theories on love are wild.”
“Oh?” Kiersten leans in towards her mic before mouthing the word jackpot to me.
“Oh yes,” Deanna goes on. “Apparently, he is notorious for being the face of love and genuine connection without all the BS that comes with online dating. His quote-unquote beliefs on relationships are the reason it’s the most popular dating app out there right now.
But behind the mask? He has a reputation for being cold, logistical, and seeing people as algorithms that make him money.
No belief in chemistry or fate or anything else. ”
“I don’t know,” I start to say, but Kiersten jumps in.
“Didn’t you say that he’s a bit of a grump?” she asks.
“Well…yeah, but most men are grumpy,” I answer before my words are chopped off again.
“And that he’s confusing?” she asks.
“I guess so, but–” I say.
“Confusing or gaslighting?” Deanna asks.
At this point, the whole room is spinning. I pinch the bridge of my nose in an attempt to make it stop.
“Yes, he is grumpy. And no, he doesn’t seem to believe in love the way women do.
But it’s not abnormal for women to romanticize things more than men do.
The point that we need to focus on is whether or not he is in fact stringing me along to get what he wants, and is he using me for that,” I say, cueing Henry to cut the caller.
And just then, as if on cue, as if fated, my phone buzzes.
It’s a text.
And it’s from Luca.
I am kicking myself for not having my phone tucked away. After yesterday, you’d think I’d know better. But Kiersten already saw it.
“This is going to sound wild,” Kiersten says into the mic. “But Olivia just got a text from Luca.”
She waits, and if I had to guess, thousands of people are staring at their phones and their car screens, waiting too.
So I sigh and open the text.
My eyes skim over it and then flash up to Kiersten.
“Well?” she asks.
“Well…he wants to see me again,” I say, setting my phone down.
Kiersten grins. “Of course he does.”
My head goes fuzzy as she continues to talk. Because while everyone seems convinced that we are about to catch the biggest catfish of all time, I feel like I am the one tangled up in the net.