Chapter 19 #3
“Every way, pretty much.” He dragged a hand through his hair, his eyes showing torment.
Elodie, on the other hand, felt nothing but mild curiosity.
No sting, no thrill of victory at hearing him admit he’d been in the wrong.
“I took advantage of you, and you were way too good to me to ever say it. I was living in some kind of fantasy, thinking I could just hone my craft or whatever, while you worked in a dead-end job that you were way too good for.”
His use of the word fantasy was like a sharp spike in her heart, as it brought back memories of her last argument with Raf. She tilted her face away, sucking in a sharp breath, before breaking off a piece of the biscuit simply to have something to do with her hands.
So she didn’t see the moment he moved, putting one of his own hands on her knee and squeezing. “I would do anything to have you back, Ellie. I miss you like hell.”
She closed her eyes against a wave of guilt. In all this time, she’d barely thought of Aaron. Not since moving to London, really, except with a sense of pique. And then, barely at all since meeting Raf.
“It’s okay,” she said, softly, once she’d finished eating. She placed the cookie back in the bag and handed it over to him. “It’s too sweet for me.”
He took it and placed it on the bench seat beside him, then leaned closer to her, an intensity in his gaze that she found herself wishing she could return. How much easier this would all be if she still had feelings for Aaron.
“I know you’ll probably never forgive me. Not just for ending things the way—and when—I did, but for the fact I let you carry me for so long. I treated you like a carer, not a partner. I would never make that mistake again.”
“Stop,” she said, putting her hand on his hand, just to reassure him.
“Listen to me. You didn’t make me do anything.
I agreed to that. I was happy to work and see you try to chase your dreams. I was always proud of you, Aaron.
And I’ll still be proud of you, when you make it on the West End one day. ”
He grimaced. “It’s never going to happen.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I’ve thrown myself into it for almost ten years, and nothing. A few bit parts. I don’t have what it takes.”
She snorted. “Well, not if you quit.”
He stared into her eyes, almost pleadingly. “You really think I can make a go of this?”
“I would never have supported you like that if I didn’t. That wasn’t wishful thinking, Aaron, it wasn’t kindness. I believe in you as much now as I did then. I get that you’ll need to juggle working, as well, but don’t give up on your dreams. You’re too talented for that.”
“God, Ellie, I’ve missed you. I can’t tell you how much.
I just…you’re in here, you know,” and he pressed his fingers to the centre of his chest, to his heart, so she was painfully aware of how disengaged her own heart was.
“If I could go back in time and give myself a kick in the pants, believe me I would.” His eyes dropped to her stomach then, a wistful expression shifting his features. “This should be us.”
No, it shouldn’t, she thought, just barely biting back the words.
She needed to be gentle, and sensitive, but she also needed to be honest. Maybe, just maybe, that honesty would set him free.
“Listen to me, Aaron. I don’t regret a single day of the time we spent together. When you ended things, I probably did. I think I was angry and hurt, and I felt betrayed, because in my heart, I believed you were the one person who would always be in my corner, who’d always be on my team, you know?”
He nodded once, his Adam’s apple shifting visibly as he swallowed.
“I think what I’ve missed the most about you—about us—is your friendship.”
“I’ve missed everything about you.”
She tilted her head to the side, studying him. “I don’t know if that’s true.”
“You think I’m lying?”
She bit into her lower lip, trying to choose her words with care. “I think…I think you haven’t met the right person yet.”
Aaron’s brows drew together, as though he was trying to make sense of that. Before he could say anything, though, she pushed on, her heart finally bashing to life, as she got close to talking about Raf and her whole body went into overdrive.
“This obviously wasn’t planned,” she said, pressing her spare hand to her stomach.
“And if I hadn’t fallen pregnant, I don’t know if I ever would have seen him again.
Maybe he would have come back to the bar.
Maybe I would have gone to him. I don’t know.
But over the summer, I…” she hesitated, aware that she hadn’t said these words to anyone.
She’d barely even allowed herself to admit them to herself.
Yet they were bursting through her now, fierce and sharp, desperate to be spoken.
“I fell in love,” she admitted, softening her features with a sympathetic expression.
“Head over heels, all-consuming, mad, passionate, desperate love.” His eyes dropped lower, to the stones at their feet.
A bee buzzed nearby, the droning sound barely penetrating the humming in Elodie’s mind, as she finally spoke the truth of her heart and felt the accompanying sense of liberation.
“It doesn’t mean I didn’t love you; only our love is so different, you know? We’re friends. The best of friends, who’ve grown up together and know each other’s lives and secrets and dreams and always will. It’s a wonderful, safe space; but it’s not the same.”
“You hardly know him,” Aaron whispered, so she could tell he was genuinely shocked by what she’d just said.
“I haven’t known him long,” she conceded. “But it hardly seems to matter. I have seen inside his soul, all the parts of it, and I love him.”
“I don’t understand,” he said, frowning, reaching for the bag with the biscuit, lifting it out and taking a huge bite.
Crumbs fell onto his jeans-clad legs, and she felt an affectionate warmth spread through her.
She really did miss Aaron’s friendship, and she hoped she could find a way to keep him in her life.
“What don’t you understand?”
Through the lavender bushes, across the street, she could see Raf’s driver had stepped out of the vehicle and was standing at the bonnet of the car, arms crossed over his chest as he looked across the street.
Always watching, keeping her safe, because Raf had insisted on that.
A frisson of warmth ran the length of her spine.
“You’re living here. He’s not. What’s going on?”
It was like having all the lights in the world switched off at the same time.
Something cloyed in her throat, grief and shock, because for the briefest moment, she’d fallen back into a sort of haze, remembering how she felt about Raf, and forgetting the complicating fact that he didn’t—and wouldn’t—love her back.
Even when she knew he cared about her, she couldn’t tell if that was just because of the babies or not.
“Loving someone doesn’t always mean things are going to work out,” she said, carefully.
“What? Why not?”
“He doesn’t love me.” It was like a form of shock therapy to say that out loud.
“What? Bloody bullshit.”
Her smile was grief-stained. “I know. Who wouldn’t love me?” she responded sarcastically.
“What a pig.”
“No, no, Aaron, it’s just—you can’t make someone love you.
He doesn’t feel that way about me, and it’s okay.
I mean, it’s not okay.” A tear slid from one eye before she even realized how close she was to crying.
“It doesn’t feel okay, but that’s not his fault.
We were never meant to be about love, it just happened for me. And not for him.”
“You’re having his babies.”
“And I have no doubt he’ll love them with every piece of his heart,” she said confidently.
She’d seen inside his soul, she knew it was capable of love.
It was only his brain that was in the way, forcing it not to open up for anyone.
The trauma of his childhood, the loss of his mother, the way his father became, and then…
Marcia. She shivered as the spectre of the other woman appeared.
“Anyway,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s weird to talk about this, right? Tell me about your new job,” she offered.
But Aaron frowned. “It’s actually not that weird, Ellie. I just want you to be happy.”
And she smiled to herself, despite her grief, because there, in his sentence, was the reassurance she needed that Aaron would be okay.
That she was right. He didn’t love her in the way he thought he did, or he would have found the conversation unbearable.
He was going to be okay, and Elodie was beyond relieved to recognize that.