Chapter 20 #2
“My mistake.” He disconnected the call and dialled Elodie’s number. She didn’t answer.
He swore under his breath, moving back to the sliding doors of the hospital, towards his car. He slipped into the backseat with a dark expression on his face, typing out a text:
Hi Elodie. We have an obstetrics appointment today. Did you forget about it?
Pregnant women forgot things all the time, didn’t they?
Wasn’t brain fog a part of the whole thing?
He breathed out, reassuring himself that would be the case, that they’d easily reschedule the appointment.
For later that day, or the next day. He was just about to ask his assistant to do that, when a message from Elodie buzzed into his phone.
I didn’t forget. I moved it up here, to a local hospital. Makes more sense.
It was like being winded. The gut punch of her splitting her obstetrics care off, away from him, doing it on her own, as though he didn’t matter, was almost the worst thing he’d ever felt.
He could hardly breathe. He could hardly think.
And maybe, after all this time, that was what he really needed.
To stop thinking, to stop analysing, and to let himself feel.
To feel the true depths of his desperation.
To feel his need for her, the pain of his life without her in it, and to accept that only one emotion could cause this god-awful torment.
To know that it made him vulnerable, in all the ways his father had been, and trust, somehow, that he would be different.
Because it took a leap of faith, an act of trust, and Raf was just hiding out in London being a coward, too traumatized to reach out and grab the one thing he really wanted in life—the perfection that had been so nearly within his grasp.
“Change of plans,” he said to his driver, though the words were strangled by his sudden inability to breathe.
Yet, as the car ate up the miles towards the Cotswolds, he didn’t, for even one second, doubt the conviction of what he was doing.
He couldn’t live like this anymore; he had to make a change, no matter how much it scared him.
Elodie had to admit that if Aaron had wanted to prove that he was a changed man, he was going about it in all the right ways. He was also being a very good friend, despite what that might have cost him, personally.
Once a week, on a Friday, they had lunch at the local pub and played a game of scrabble.
It was something they’d done often, in the past, and it was nice to slip back into that familiarity.
But the text message from Raf, reminding her of their appointment, had completely scuttled her thinking abilities.
She’d cancelled it weeks ago, knowing it would be too hard to go and see Raf, when her heart was still in the active stage of breaking.
The receptionist had said she’d inform him, but that clearly hadn’t happened.
She felt a pang in her heart when she imagined him waiting for her, waiting to hear news of their babies, though.
No.
She felt a pang in her heart that stank of regret.
Because she’d missed a chance to see him, to be close to him, and she would have given almost anything for that.
But she had to stay strong. This was all going to get so much harder if she saw him again, as though it would reset the clock on her recovery period.
Recovery?
Hardly.
She was in purgatory, existing between the euphoria of her twins, and the sheer hell of life without Raf.
“You’re not even trying, Ellie,” Aaron complained good-naturedly, as he played three tiles on a triple word score.
She grimaced. “My hand is the worst.”
“You can always turn a bad hand into a good word.”
That was true. She was almost undefeated. “I think I’m just tired.”
Concern instantly crowded his features. “Shall we give it a rest today?”
“Only if you agree to a rematch.”
“Next week,” he promised.
She ignored the spasm of pain in her heart. The casual way he presumed—and was right—that she’d be here next week, to play scrabble. Her life had briefly opened up to be so much more, and yet here she was again, in the same pub they’d always come to.
Only, she was different.
Life, and Raf, had changed her. She didn’t know what that would mean after the babies, but it was okay to sit still in the village for a while, as she took stock and figured it all out.
They were deep into Autumn, and the weather had turned frigid. As they stepped out of the pub, she wrapped her coat around her more tightly, listening as Aaron talked about a role he was auditioning for. “Do you want help running lines?” she offered.
He glanced at her then looked away again, the skin on his neck a little pink. “Actually,” he cleared his throat. “I’ve got someone helping me.”
She frowned, at first not understanding the reason he seemed shifty about that and then, smiling to herself. “Someone someone?”
He glanced back at her, smiling goofily. “Maybe.”
Relief spread through her. Until that moment, she hadn’t realized that there was a part of her still carrying the weight of responsibility for his happiness. “I’m glad.”
“I’ll keep you posted. If that’s not weird.”
“I literally poured my heart out to you. It’s not—,” she stopped talking, and walking, abruptly, at the sight of two sleek, black cars parked outside her parents’ home.
Her heart slammed into her throat, and her brain tried to tell her not to jump to conclusions.
There could be any number of people with expensive cars identical to the fleet Raf owned… except, of course there couldn’t.
Of course this meant Raf was here.
Or maybe he’d just…sent another car. Maybe this one needed a service, or something.
“Ellie?” Aaron clicked his fingers in front of her face. “What is it? You look like you’re about to pass out.”
“I’m—,” she shook her head, her eyes unable to shift from the cars, so Aaron followed her gaze and made a deep noise.
“He’s here?”
Elodie looked at him, panicked. “I think he must be.”
“Do you want to go back to the pub?”
But even as Aaron asked the question, the back door of the second car was opening, and Raf was stepping out. Raf, in jeans, a dark shirt, and a jacket, looking so perfectly handsome and utterly like she remembered, that every cell in her body went into a crazed whir.
He walked a normal pace, long legs covering the pavement easily, but to Elodie, it felt as though time had slowed down. It felt as though she was waiting forever.
His eyes swept over Elodie in a way that made everything hurt, and then, sideways, to Aaron. She saw the flicker of emotions in his face, the way his lips tightened into a sort of grimace.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, when he was close enough to hear. She sounded awful, her voice thin and raspy, trembling a little, so Aaron immediately moved closer, putting a protective arm around her waist. To support her, she supposed, as though she might pass out.
But Raf instantly reacted, his eyes dropping to the gesture as his jaw shifted and his shoulders squared.
“Can we talk?”
Three words, so much meaning.
Elodie just stared at him, her heart pounding, her body in a state of freefall, because she’d been wanting to see him so badly, yet she’d been scared of that, too. Scared of how it would feel to be near him, and now she had her answer.
It felt like all the missing parts of her were right there, inside of him. It felt like they’d been there all along—like they’d never be a part of her again.
“Just for a few moments.”
She realized she hadn’t answered him; that she didn’t know how.
“I can stay with you,” Aaron offered, so she remembered he was there, too. She glanced at Aaron and shook her head once.
“That’s okay,” she said. “I’m okay.”
“You’re sure?”
She nodded once.
“Alright. Rematch next Friday.” He leaned closer and kissed her cheek. “I’ll stay nearby. Call if you need me.”
She put a hand on his arm. “I’ll be fine, really.”
Aaron angled his face towards Raf’s, nodded once, curtly, then turned and left, walking back towards the pub.
Leaving just Raf and Elodie on the footpath, staring at one another for what seemed like the longest time. Eventually, Raf cleared his throat, though she couldn’t have said after how long. “Can we go inside?”
Inside. Her parents’ house. She knew she should say ‘no’.
That they could talk out here. Wouldn’t that be safer?
But the part of her that selfishly, desperately wanted some time alone with him was out of control.
Weakness had her nodding once, reaching into her pocket for her keys, pulling them out, glad to have something so mundane to focus on.
“They’re at work,” she murmured, pushing the door inwards. “Aaron and I were at the pub, having lunch. Playing scrabble. It’s this thing we do, we’ve always liked scrabble. It’s—,”
“Elodie.” He interrupted her, and she was glad.
She was babbling out of an overflow of emotions, out of nervousness.
He pushed the door shut firmly and then, purely out of habit, put a hand in the small of her back, to guide her towards the living room.
Only his touch ignited the fire that had been smoldering inside her all this time, so her breath hissed from between her teeth, and she had to duck her head to try to hide the reaction.
In the living room, they both stopped walking and stood, Raf’s hand falling from her back, as his gaze shifted to her stomach.
“You look incredible.” The words were husked from deep in his throat.
She felt the throb of emotions in them; knew how hard it must have been for him to be separated from the pregnancy.
But it had been a matter of survival for Elodie. A need to put herself first, after years of not having done that.
“What did you want to talk about?” she asked, voice still tremulous.
“I came—I wanted—,” he cleared his throat, shook his head, closed his eyes. “So that’s Aaron, huh?”
She twisted her fingers, refusing to feel bad about reconnecting with her ex. It wasn’t as though it was romantic. And even if it were, so what? Raf had no rights over her life, just as she didn’t over his.
“Yes.”
“You said you catch up with him each week?”
He was jealous. It was patently obvious. But that didn’t mean he felt anything other than a stupid macho possessive streak because they’d been sleeping together.
“Yes.”
The air between them crackled and throbbed. The tension stretched until it was almost unbearable.
“I was expecting to see you today.”
“So, I gather.”
“I didn’t realise you’d changed the appointment.”
“They said they’d let you know.”
“They didn’t.”
More awful, crackly silence.
“I needed to see you.”
Her heart lifted with hope before she could control it. Only need was one thing—they both felt it. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t love, freely given, willingly accepted, no matter what.
“I didn’t mean to stuff you around,” she said carefully. “There was no need to come all this way to check on me.”
His brow furrowed and then, his eyes shifted to the mantle behind her, where she knew there was a picture of her and Aaron from her twenty-first birthday.
She ignored that strange sense of guilt again, as though she was betraying Raf, yet that was exactly what she saw in his features. A look of complete betrayal.
“You’re okay?” he asked, glancing back to her, and then her stomach, his throat shifting as he swallowed.
She looked towards the windows, that framed a view of her father’s vegetable garden. Raf was asking because of the babies. It had nothing to do with her battered heart. “Everything seems fine. I’ll obviously let you know once I’ve had the next scan.”
He cleared his throat. “I can come up for it.”
“There’s no need. It’s just a scan. We already know I’m pregnant, that there are two babies in there. I’ll obviously keep you informed.”
“I meant—for support,” he said, the words strangely choked.
“I’m okay, really,” she said, aware that she was about an inch away from sobbing. The man she wanted, more than anything, was right in front of her, but he’d never give her what she wanted most in the world: love. Real, honest, all-in love.
“Right.” He just stood there, though, staring down at her, his features taut, his whole body tense. Then, he took a step back, and another. “If you change your mind, obviously call anytime.”
“Sure,” she lied. She’d already changed her mind.
She was on the brink of begging him not to go.
Or to take her with him. Just like she’d been afraid of.
It cost her almost everything to stay strong, to know that she deserved to hold out for real, deeply abiding love—the kind of love that was currently eating her alive.
He pressed his hand to the door without attempting to open it, and she held her breath, wondering if he was going to say something else. But instead, he turned to face her, offered a polite smile then opened the door and left.
And just in the nick of time. Her tears started to fall freely, and she didn’t bother to check them. No one was home to see her heart splintering into a billion pieces, beyond repair. No one would ever see her soul’s destruction.
He sat in the back of the car, staring straight ahead, wishing like he’d never wished before that he hadn’t seen Aaron in the flesh.
Hadn’t seen the tender, caring way he’d put his arm around Elodie.
Because now, it was the easiest thing in the world for Raf to realise that Elodie already had someone in her life who loved her.
Someone she had a history with, who was obviously devoted to her.
What business did he have coming and unburdening himself to her, when he’d pushed her away in London?
He’d been the one to discard what they had; he’d been the one to end it.
He had no right to come into her life now and tell her how he felt. Not when she was doing so well.
But was she doing well?
He frowned, thinking back to the way Aaron had offered his reassurance, had said he’d be just around the corner.
If Elodie was happy, moved on, settled, why would Aaron need to say that?
And why would Elodie have moved the appointment?
It couldn’t have just been about convenience.
London, with a chauffeur, was an easy trip to make.
Unless, she’d been avoiding him.
Because she didn’t want to see him, or because it was too hard?
His hand was back on the car door, pushing it open, before he could even think it through. He knew one thing, for certain—if he returned to London without saying what he’d come to say, he’d always regret it.
Besides, he already felt like hell, nothing that happened in the next few minutes could make him feel any worse, right?