18. Billie
CHAPTER 18
BILLIE
B illie woke the morning after the Christmas party feeling worse than she’d expected. Her headache was gone, but she still felt tired and a little dizzy. Worse, when she got out of bed, she felt a wave of nausea that sent her running to the bathroom.
A little water and some plain crackers later, Billie felt better, but she was still annoyed. She hated being sick. Worse, the timing of this was terrible. Not only did she have a lot left to do before Christmas and the gift delivery, but she also wanted to see Max again as soon as possible after their kiss the night before.
Billie smiled at the memory of Max’s lips on hers and his strong arms around her. Maybe she was wrong, but it felt like that kiss had meant something. Something big. It had felt like the beginning of something and, from the way he’d looked at her, Billie suspected that Max felt the same way.
Yet now, Billie was sick, and she couldn’t very well track Max down and confess her feelings when she was nauseated and dizzy. Billie crunched another cracker in annoyance. At least the sustenance seemed to have done her good, because the nausea was passing. For now.
Billie reached for her laptop and cued up an old sitcom that she liked to watch during her rare downtime. As she listened to the canned laughter and watched the shenanigans of the main characters, she felt herself relaxing back onto the couch. Perhaps she’d eaten something bad that had made her stomach hurt. And the dizziness and headache could easily be explained by PMS. Billie often got minor headaches and felt quite emotional before her period — and sometimes she was even nauseated.
She absently reached for her phone and opened the period-tracking app that she used. If her period was due to arrive in the next few days, she could relax a little knowing that her symptoms would soon pass. Billie scrolled back to the date of her last period… and back… and back.
Her heart almost stopped as she realized that she hadn’t had a period since early November. It was now December twentieth, almost six weeks later.
She bit her lip. The most likely explanation was that her period was delayed due to the stress of preparing all the gifts for the holiday delivery. After all, she’d only spent one night with Max, and it had been almost a month ago.
Almost a month ago. Billie sat up straighter. That would mean that they’d spent the night together right around the time she was ovulating and, although they’d used protection, no method was a hundred percent effective. Billie looked down at her stomach as though a baby bump might have already started to grow. Then she closed her laptop, got to her feet, and changed into a pair of sweatpants and her winter coat.
The nearest convenience store was a short walk away. Billie walked as quickly as she could, though she still felt a little dizzy. In the back of the store, she located a row of pregnancy tests and selected one more or less at random. At the checkout counter, she pretended to be deeply involved in choosing a candy bar while the cashier rang her up.
Billie hurried back home, where she went straight to the bathroom and did the test. Her heart still racing, she set a timer on her phone for two minutes and leaned against the counter, trying to take deep breaths.
This was going to be fine. In fact, though she hesitated to admit it, some part of her hoped that the test would be positive. She’d always wanted to be a mother, and the idea of having a baby was appealing. Still, she also loved her work and was extremely busy, which didn’t leave a lot of room for being the kind of involved mother she’d want to be. And Billie knew that a pregnancy would throw a wrench into whatever relationship she was building with Max. He wouldn’t want to be a father.
Or would he? He’d been good with the kids, and he’d talked about perhaps wanting children someday. Billie drummed her fingers on the counter. No, there was no way to predict how Max would react. He loved his work, and he hadn’t seemed interested in a romantic relationship until that kiss yesterday. Being a father would probably seem like too much for him.
And even if?—
Beep, beep, beep.
Billie swept away the timer on her phone and flipped the pregnancy test. She stared at it for a long moment, hardly able to believe her eyes. Even though she knew that pregnancy tests weren’t always accurate, she was sure that this one was.
She was pregnant.
A mix of worry and joy swept through her. Worry about how Max would react and about how she would make time to raise a child when she was already incredibly busy. Yet also joy at the fact that a new life was growing inside her, a life that was equal parts her and Max. A life that would soon be a baby who she would hold in her arms and sing to sleep. Then a toddler who she would teach to ride a tricycle and read picture books with. Then a preschooler, curious and bright, who would hold her hand and chatter happily on the way home from school.
Billie had spent a lot of time with kids, so she knew what she was getting into better than most. She knew that being a mother was an incredible joy, despite having its hard moments. And she knew that she would love this baby more than anything or anyone else in the world. Already, she felt protective of the whisper of a child just starting to grow inside her.
Still, she couldn’t banish her worries, either. Billie bit her lip. What if Max didn’t want any part in this child’s life? Yet she’d also seen the good man he could be. Maybe he would be as excited as she was at the thought of a baby.
Billie reached for her phone and opened her chat with Max. The last message was from him, wishing her a good night of sleep. Taking a deep breath, Billie tapped out a message.
Hey, Max, are you busy today? I’d like to meet.
She read the message several times before pressing send. Almost immediately, Max replied.
I’d love to meet. Shall I bring over some lunch?
Perfect, Billie replied. It would be better to meet at her apartment, where they could have privacy for the looming conversation, than to try to talk in a restaurant or other public place.
Billie spent the rest of the morning cleaning her apartment, taking a shower, and changing into a pair of jeans and a sweater with a reindeer on the front. Vaguely, she considered dressing up but decided against it. She’d rather be comfortable for the conversation they needed to have.
At around twelve thirty, the intercom rang. Billie buzzed Max in, then waited, her heart pounding. Please, let him take this well.
There was a knock on the door. Billie opened it to reveal Max on the other side in his usual slacks and a button-down shirt under his jacket. In one hand, he held a takeout bag that smelled amazing. Perhaps Billie’s nausea really was gone for good.
“Hi, Billie.” He smiled at her. “You look nice.”
Billie raised her eyebrows and looked down at her reindeer sweater. “That’s kind, but I’m not sure I believe it.”
“You should. You always look nice.” At Billie’s invitation, Max came inside and handed her the bag of takeout so that he could remove his shoes and jacket. Billie still felt nervous, but the sight of Max’s familiar face relaxed her a little. She set the takeout bag on the table and began to unpack its contents.
“I realized I haven’t been inside your home since the first night we met,” Max said.
Billie bit her lip. That was as good an opening as any.
“True. That was about a month ago now.”
“That’s hard to believe. I feel like I’ve known you longer than that.”
“Me too.” Billie grabbed a pair of plates from the kitchen cupboard and set the table. “Actually, before we eat, we’d better talk.”
“I was thinking the same thing.” Max crossed the room to Billie. “First, are you feeling all right?”
“Yes, I feel much better today.”
“Good.” Max took her hands. “Billie, I really like you. This last month together has meant a lot to me. And I think that we should?—”
Billie bit her lip. “Hold on. I should maybe talk first.”
“Oh.” Max’s face shuttered.
“No, not because I disagree. I, um, I like you a lot, too. But I do have something to add — something that might come as a bit of a shock.”
“All right. What’s up?”
“Well, you remember how we spent the night together.”
“I do.” Max smiled.
“Well, it’s been a month now, and I… I haven’t gotten my period. Plus, I wasn’t feeling well last night or this morning.” Billie hesitated. “So, I went and got a test.”
“A test.” Max’s face was unreadable now.
“A pregnancy test.” Billie bit her lip. “I’m pregnant.”
Max stared at her for a long moment. His hands released hers, dropping by his side as he looked at her. Billie’s heart rate raced again as the tension built. She had no idea what Max was going to say, and that realization terrified her. For all that he had a good heart, for all that he was a good guy, he was still concerned with his business over anything else. Maybe he was going to reject her and their child.
“Are you sure?” he asked in a low voice.
“Yes.” Billie nodded. “Apart from the test, I’ve definitely had some symptoms, although I didn’t realize it until this morning.”
“We used protection.” It wasn’t a question.
“We did, but no protection is a hundred percent.” Billie bit her lip. “I know this comes as a surprise?—”
“A surprise?” Max pivoted away from her with a derisive sound that cut straight through Billie’s chest and into her heart. “You’ve got that right.”
Billie opened her mouth to apologize, then shut it. The pregnancy was no more her fault than Max’s, and she wasn’t about to say she was sorry about the baby. The baby was a Christmas miracle, even if the timing wasn’t ideal.
“I know,” Billie said instead. “I was shocked, too. But after I had a little time to think about it?—”
“How long have you known?”
“I just found out this morning. Come on, Max.” She reached for him. “I know we didn’t plan this, and the timing isn’t great, but can’t this be a good thing?”
“Billie.” Max stepped back, out of her reach. “Maybe for you it can be, but I can’t be a father. I can’t. Not now, probably not ever.”
Billie felt his words as another blow to her heart. “What does that mean? You are going to be a father, whether you’re ready or not.”
“It means I’ll support you and the baby,” Max said. “Anything you need, you’ll have. I can provide child support, pay for the best schools, anything. But that’s it.”
“What?” Billie felt tears prick at her eyes now. “You won’t have anything to do with the baby? Or… or with me?”
“I can’t, Billie.” Max eyes were filled with real regret, but it wasn’t enough to counteract what he was saying.
“I can’t believe you.” A tear spilled from Billie’s eye, and she wiped it away angrily. “You could be a father if you wanted to be. I know you could. You’re a good man, Max. You wouldn’t be like your dad.”
“I would.” Max shook his head. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I need to go.”
“Don’t. Please. Let’s talk about this.”
But Max shook his head again. “I’m sorry.”
With that, he turned sharply away from Billie and went to the door, where he slid on his shoes and took his jacket. Billie stood, her heart aching, as he reached for the door handle… and hesitated. A moment passed. He looked back at her, and Billie saw that his eyes were filled with sadness. Then, very slowly, he pulled the door open and left.
When the door closed behind him, Billie let her tears fall. She found herself sobbing so hard that she had to sit down. The intensity of her emotions was unexpected. She liked Max, of course she did. Over the past month, they’d grown close, and she’d come to both trust and respect him. Last night, when they’d kissed at the party, she’d even begun to wonder if she could love him. But they hadn’t known each other all that long, not really, so she shouldn’t have been this heartbroken that he’d left.
There was the baby, though. Billie rested a hand on her stomach, which was still flat. From outside, there was no way of knowing that she was pregnant, not yet — but inside, everything had changed. Slowly, Billie regained control of her emotions and wiped her tears away.
“It looks like it’s you and me, kid,” she whispered to her stomach. Immediately, she felt silly — her high school biology class was enough for her to know that the collection of cells in her uterus couldn’t hear her yet. Despite that, she still felt comforted at the thought that she wasn’t in this alone.
As much as it hurt that Max wasn’t going to be a part of her life (or the baby’s), Billie knew that she could do this. She had to. She would do anything to make sure her child had the best life possible, even if she had to do it on her own.
Taking a deep breath, she went to fill a glass of water. As she entered her kitchen corner, she noticed that the takeout Max had brought was still sitting, untouched, on the table along with the two plates she’d gotten out of the cupboard. The sight was enough to make tears well again, but Billie didn’t let herself cry. No matter who had brought it, no matter how sad she was, the food smelled good. Plus, she was eating for two now.
Alone in her small studio, Billie sat at her table and ate the sandwich and salad Max had brought for her. In another container, there was a slice of cherry pie, which she ate as well. Perhaps Max had meant for this to be a special meal. Before finding out about the baby, he’d certainly seemed interested in pursuing a relationship with her.
That didn’t matter now. Billie savored each forkful of the pie, then threw away the containers and cleared up the table. As she put the leftover paper napkins in a drawer for later, she noticed a small box sitting on the table. Her heart thudding, she opened it. Inside, nestled on a piece of tissue paper, was a pair of earrings adorned with tiny Christmas trees. A small note in Max’s handwriting read, Merry Christmas, Billie. Thanks for the plane.
Tears welled again as she closed the box. Max had gotten her a present. Somehow, the fact that he’d made time to go out and shop for her made all this so much worse. She couldn’t let herself sink into sadness, though. Pregnant or not, heartbroken or not, it was still Christmas, and she still had a lot to do to make sure the kids got their gifts.
Everything else — her excitement about the baby, her sadness about Max, her hope for the future, her heartbreak — could all wait for later. And hey, maybe work would serve as a distraction from everything that was going on in her life.