Friends lift each other
Chris
My conversation with Lucas opened a fresh can of worms. One filled with guilt and self-hate and regret.
As had been the case since my arrival from the hospital, Lucas' side of the bed was as smooth and cold as I left it when I went to bed last night, succumbing to the pills pumped into my body daily.
From the countless arrays of guestrooms in this mansion, I was sure he would have no issues finding a place to sleep.
Not like I had asked him to leave though.
Not like I would not leap with joy if he came back to our bed.
Our contact in the last two weeks had been limited to tentative touches and brief glances.
As much as I yearned for Lucas and I to go back to where we were before our world was thrown into a whirlwind, when he had proposed to me I knew I deserved it.
I deserved his dismissal for killing our child.
But even despite that, Lucas remained a gentleman, only out of politeness of course, because that was who he was.
A man that would never abandon me, even though I could see the wall of grief hidden behind the mask of understanding and nonchalance he wore so well.
I missed the kids, missed being able to leave the comfort of my bedroom without looking like I would lose consciousness any second, but most of all I missed Lucas.
But my heart was not yet ready to let go of this pain and guilt weighing on it.
I could not even do so much as look Lucas in the eye when he told me yesterday, not without breaking down in tears.
That would only make him more worried and, of course, add to the mountain of guilt piled against me.
This was supposed to be our vacation, our big break from all we had gone through back home in San Diego.
Ha! If only we had seen just how much this trip would spin our worlds in a much worse direction.
I guess that was why it was life though.
Unpredictable and always waiting on the right chance to fuck you up real hard.
I shifted the large ring on my finger subconsciously, inviting the doctor in, in response to his knock on the door. As usual, Lucas strolled in after him, readily available for every checkup. I knew that the doctor only made daily visits on me only at his insistence.
I did not deserve this man, even less the priceless jewel on my finger a symbol of his love for me.
Many times within the last 14 days, it had crossed my mind to give the ring back and take a big step back in our relationship.
Each time though I could not bring myself to do it.
I did not have the courage to. This ring, the knowledge that I was actually Lucas's fiancee, was the only thing keeping me from having a breakdown physically and emotionally.
My mind flashed to his words last night. "...I love you..." he still loved me. Yes, he was angry that I had handled our child carelessly and lost it, but
Lucas still loved me. I could not give up hope yet.
The check-up was quick, and the doctor said I was improving well and had even healed enough to carry out regular daily routines without too many strange activities.
Of course, my body was healing, but my heart was bleeding.
For being a terrible mom, for letting my child die, no measure of time would ever heal that.
Lucas questioned the doctor about my emotional health, and my breath hitched up. I had not cried in days—not since that night— and I most definitely was not about to let the floodgates break in front of the doctor. He probably would just send me back to the hospital and that would be my undoing.
Thankfully, before that could happen, I felt the warmth of his hands gliding over mine softly from where he sat next to me on the bed.
I did not dare look, but I could feel his smooth, careful touch, his thumb brushing softly over my fingers, right next to the spot where his ring rested.
I could hear the unspoken words, "I'm here for you. "
How could he still be so kind to me after what I had done? What exactly did I do to deserve Lucas?
The question left a scathing mark on my mind as the doctor informed us that the grief would lessen with every new day that passed and that it also helped to talk about it.
Bullshit to both of those statements. But I left that on my tongue locked between my teeth biting hard.
With every new day I woke up, I only felt a little more horrible than the last and I could not even do so much as remember the blood soaking my hospital gown without turning into a sobbing mess.
How the fuck was I supposed to talk about it?
Lucas thanked the doctor and offered to see him to the door.
My eyes drifted to his hand over mine, wishing to tell him not to leave, but I frowned at the horrible state of his fingers.
His knuckles particularly. Red and rough, and strewed with tiny marks I had never seen before.
It had been two weeks since Lucas beat the living daylight out of Baron and while I knew he was working tirelessly to find Sarah and bring Baron to justice too I imagined he did that by working with the cops.
A wave of nausea hit me as the thought that he was fighting his way through this violently crossed my mind.
No. Lucas would never do that. Sarah and Baron were both the most horrible pair I had ever met, but I knew Lucas would do the right thing. He would not take these things into his own hands.
I could not get a chance to ask about it before the hand disappeared to my hair, pushing back a few strands so he could press a soft kiss on my forehead.
It took every ounce of restraint to keep myself from asking him to stay back even if that was what I needed most at the moment.
Thankfully, I did not get to dwell on the thought too long as Celine strolled in right after Lucas left to see the doctor out.
She stood at the doorway, legs crossed and arms folded across her chest, and eyes regarding me with the same look I had seen every day for the last two weeks.
"No!" I raised a hand, "you will not give me that look today."
She raised one shoulder, shaking her head, "what look?"
"That look that makes me feel like I'm dying. I am not dying and I am absolutely fine."
With a sigh, she strolled in, settling next to me on the bed, "do you even believe that lie?"
I opened my mouth to tell her I was fine and there was no use worrying about me but was met with a stern look, "when it was my turn you would not leave my side at all.
You actually delayed your vacation by 2 weeks to help me settle in.
" her face softened as she dropped one hand over mine, "why won't you let me do the same for you bess? "
"Because I'm..."
"If you say one more time that you are fine, I'll assume you really don't care about our friendship, Chris." she cut me off harshly.
My brows scrunched up in an incredulous look. "you know that's not true."
"I also know my best friend might shut everyone out but not me. Not after all we have endured together. We used to be each other's shoulder to cry on. What's going on this time?"
What happened this time is that I got tired of crying.
Especially because this time it was every bit my fault.
But I couldn't tell her that. Biting the insides on my cheek, I looked away as I tried to fight the tears that were already brimming around my eyes.
"I am fine Bess." I latched on to that notion because anything else would open a floodgate of emotions I was sure as hell not ready for yet.
I was half sure Celine would be pissed and walk out but to my surprise, she pulled me into a hug instead. A long, warm hug that I had not realized I really needed. "I know you, Chris, you should know better than to lie to me."
It took a moment to realize the shaky sobs filling the room were from me and an even longer moment to finally wrap my hands around my best friend too.
There were no words as we stayed like that, holding on to each other over the next few minutes.
I had not realized how much I needed to open up, to talk to someone about this crushing pain building in my chest and threatening to explode any minute.
And when she finally released me what felt like an eternity later, the floodgates broke open and the tears came down like an unpredicted storm.
"It's just so hard," I whispered, my eyes fixed on the ring on my finger as I twirled it slowly.
I had made a new habit of doing that just to remind myself of the flood of happiness that coursed through me when I opened my eyes to find Lucas right by my side.
Right before this new wave of unending grief.
"I thought not talking to anyone, shutting everyone out would make the pain go away.
For some reason I thought not talking about it would make it more believable, like it never happened, because I don't want to believe that he's just," I paused, swallowing up the bile that came up my throat at the memory, "just gone. "
"Well, it is," Celine said in a less than comforting tone and I raised my eyes to her in question.
"I know you want me to tell you everything will suddenly be fine and that you don't have to cry," she said, stroking my hair with that familiar and comforting look of understanding in her eyes, "but I'm not your best friend to sugar coat this for you and I will not be doing you a favor if I did that.
So yes, the first step to getting through this is accepting that he really is gone.
A maniac attacked you and you lost your baby in the process.
If you cannot accept that, you can't move on Bess. "
"And it's hard, I know it is. I don't want to pull the 'I've been through this before, I can tell' card, but I have and I can promise that it does get better. It may not seem like so, but crying and talking helps. Trust me bottling up your emotions is never the answer Chris."
"I just feel so empty and sad and helpless and angry and guilty at the same time and there is simply no way to express all those feelings in one word."
"Well you just did," she said with a small smile, smoothing her hand over my shoulder as she did.
"You don't have to express it all in one word, or even in one day Bess.
It's a process, one that can take weeks or months.
What matters is that you're actually healing at your pace.
And you know you don't have to worry about who would listen to you express those feelings.
In case you have forgotten," she leaned in, wiping a streak of tear on my cheek, "I'm your motherfucking ride or die and that means I'm here always, whenever. "
Before more tears could get the chance to escape, C wrapped her arms around me again, sealing her promise and for the first time in a while, I knew that I really was going to be okay. "Thank you so much, Celine, you really are the best"
"Like hell I am," she said with a little amusement in her voice, "that's why you love me."
I chuckled, for the first time in 14 days, actually chuckled because I did love her and I could not be more grateful for having her in my life, "you know if this assistant gig does not come through, you should be a therapist."
"Haha very funny," she rolled her eyes, "it's a skill I only have reserved for my best friend so I'll pass." her eyes drifted to the untouched tray of breakfast on the table in the middle of the room, "now as much as I love you, you need a shower baby girl."
"Ugh, don't tell me," I groaned as I threw my legs over the bed, attempting to stand. "I haven't exactly been in a look good or smell good mood lately,"
"I know, you smell like rotten fruit," she laughed, taking my hand and herding me into the bathroom attached to a walk-in closet. "that though is about to change,"
My stomach dropped at the memory of the last time Lucas and I had been in the shower together. It seemed like an entire lifetime ago, one that would never happen again. I looked in the opposite direction, blinking away hot tears threatening to come down any second.
"Now do you want a shower or a long bath?" Celine's voice pulled me out of my grief-stricken haze.
"Shower," I answered numbly. I did not bother to tell her that taking a bath would make it easier to go through with the thoughts of drowning myself in the pool of water.
I stood in front of the full-length mirror as Celine got the shower ready, checking if the water was warm enough.
With a long sigh, I tugged on my overgrown curls that had not been touched by a drop of water in days, even a comb would seem like a foreign object to it now considering how long it had been since I used one on it.
"I should get a haircut," I said slowly, running my hands through the mess.
With a smile, she appeared behind me, "see we're getting somewhere, you're already considering your looks again. I must warn though, winter is almost here, you might want to hold on to that thought a while."
I gasped, turning my gaze to the digital clock and calendar on the vanity, "Oh wow, is that really the date?"
She nodded, resting her chin on my shoulder, "you've been cut out from the world for almost a month bess, it's time to go outside again."
For a second I worried about the kids and Lucas. I wondered how they had had to cope this last month with me basically stuck to a bed, first a hospital bed and now my room bed. C was right, while I still felt like major shot for losing the baby, I had to get out.
I twisted the ring on my finger again, this time pulling it out and resting it on the sink. Celine's eyes fell to the glistening diamonds. "I still can't believe Lucas proposed. How are you both doing?"
I was tempted to pretend not to know what she was really asking or even better lie about it, but this was C, lying to her was never an option. "Well he had a vision and plans of a future for us and I snatched it away with my stupidity so take a wild guess." I gave a one-shoulder shrug.
Celine gave me one of her hard, tough love looks, "you are not stupid Chris,"
"Yes, I am." I snapped, not meaning to. I hated myself for being careless with our child, but even more so for how it must have shattered Lucas, "and now Lucas probably hates me"
I could see her face drop in the mirror before she spun me around to face her, "Lucas does not hate you. He's been by your side every freaking day,"
I bit my bottom lip, numbly rubbing the spot where his ring sat a few seconds ago, subconsciously preparing myself for the day he would actually take it back.
That just might be the very last straw for me.
"he's only sticking around out of a sense of duty.
It also doesn't help that I have not been able to bring myself to do so much as look him in the eyes since that night so yeah, wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't even want me anymore. "
"Well, you still have his ring, so I highly doubt that. Also, you must think so highly of Lucas if you believe he's actually considering leaving you, like ever. The man is a mess, but he's still head over fucking heels for you. I can't be the only one seeing it."
"And I'm the reason."
"No," she shook her head sharply, "That dick head son of a bitch no good Baron is the reason. Maybe if you at least talk to him you'll see how wrong you are."
"He said he loved me last night."
"Loved or loves?"
"Loves," I confirmed, my voice so quiet I was surprised she even heard.
"Then why are you so worried about something that's not even there? You should have seen him when you were in a coma, no one on this earth can convince me that those thoughts in your mind right now are anything close to reality."
"Are you sure?" my PTSD must have really gotten to me hard because my questions and doubt were shocking even to me.
Thankfully, C did not dwell on the fact that I was busy doubting myself and the relationship Lucas and I shared.
She leaned in closer, dropping her chin on my shoulder again and pressing her face closer to mine, "one hundred percent.
" I let her steer me to the running shower that was now the right temperature, "now freshen up, you and I have a brunch date in the garden. "
Two hours ago, I could have sought an excuse or made a protest to go anywhere outside my bedroom doors, but I knew Celine was right. I would never recover fully if I stayed stuck and angry at the world. Life just had to go on.