5. Lilly
CHAPTER 5
LILLY
After scanning the room, I put my list of belongings together—and it’s not a long one. Pretty much just my clothes and shoes. And my video games, of course.
Just as I’m about to leave, a thin man with a Mario-like mustache walks into the room.
“Hello, Lilly.” The way he says my first name makes it clear he usually addresses people in a more formal manner. “I’m Mister… I mean, Johnny. Mr. Roxford’s assistant.”
“Whose assistant?” I refuse to call that asshole “Mister” anything.
Johnny twirls his mustache. “You’re kidding, right?”
Taking pity on the minion, I say, “You must mean Bruce.”
“Yes. Mr. Roxford.” This time, he pulls on the mustache nervously, and it’s a wonder no hairs get plucked out.
I scoff. “Yes. Bruce.”
“Right.” He reaches for the mustache again but stops halfway. “He asked me to get your list of things to move.”
I hand him the sheet of paper in my hand.
Not pulling away his hand, Johnny says, “And your keys, please.”
I snatch the list away. “Don’t I get to supervise the movers?”
Johnny’s left eye twitches. “Mister… Bruce said if they break anything, he’ll replace it. He also said it’s imperative that you start Colossus’s training immediately.”
“Well,” I hiss. “Looks like for the first time in his life, Bruce isn’t going to get his way.”
And if he wants to fire me for this, so be it.
As Johnny, his mustache, and I walk through the mansion, I detect a delicious aroma that makes my stomach growl.
When did I last eat?
We enter the kitchen, and I spot the source of the yummy smell—a tray of cookies Bruce is taking out of the oven.
He cooks?
Nah.
Some personal chef must’ve left those in there, and he’s just taking them out. Serious domestic effort for a billionaire, either way.
Then my pulse jumps.
Colossus is near the table with a cookie in his mouth.
“Is that hot out of the oven?” I shout, leaping toward the puppy. “He’ll get hurt!”
Bruce steps in my way. “That’s the first batch.” There’s a twitch in his jaw. “I obviously waited for it to cool before giving it to the dog. What kind of a negligent sadist do you think I am?”
The worst kind—but I don’t say this because we agreed to be civil only minutes ago.
“FYI, she insists on overseeing the move,” Johnny tattletales.
Should I tell him snitches get stitches before their mustaches get shaved off?
“I’ll allow it,” Bruce says magnanimously.
“You’ll allow it?” I grit out, forgetting about cordialness for a hot second. In a calmer tone, I say, “If it pleases Your Highness, I’ll be back before you can say ‘the top one percent.’”
Bruce turns his broad back to me. “Just get your possessions so you can start on your duties. And it’s the top point-zero-zero-one percent.”
All the way back to my car, I brainstorm some clever comebacks to Bruce’s last comment, but the best I can come up with is: I hope Colossus “dooties” on your foot.
My car looks comically small in the giant driveway in front of the mansion, and as I start my route back home, I actually pay attention to the details of the massive estate.
There are two lakes on opposite sides of the mansion—creating gorgeous views from all angles. On the far side of the nearest lake is an untouched forest with a deer herd frolicking around. It’s a marvel Bruce hasn’t hunted them to extinction, as his kind are so fond of doing. Near the second lake, there is a garden maze and a golf course. Walking the dog around here must feel like strolling through a luxury resort.
My phone rings.
I check who it is.
Ah. It’s Aphrodite, my cousin. And no, we’re not Greek, so my aunt can officially be considered a child abuser for naming her daughter that.
“Hey, cuz,” she says as soon as I pick up.
“Hey, Aphro,” I reply with a smile. “Thanks for checking on me… a bit too late.”
I told her what I would be doing, just in case Bruce went American Psycho on my ass.
She sounds worried as she asks, “Do I need to bail you out of jail?”
“I didn’t actually do what I set out to do.” I’m glad this isn’t a video call, so she can’t see me blush in shame.
“Why? What happened?” she demands.
I sigh. “He made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”
She gasps. “He put a gun to your head?”
“What? No!”
“Well, that’s what that phrase means in The Godfather. ”
I blow out a breath. “I’m pretty sure you can also use it in a situation where someone offers you a shit-ton of money.”
“Hold on,” she squeals. “Are you saying you’re going to be working for the guy?”
I grip the steering wheel tighter. “As a dog trainer.”
There’s shocked silence on the other line.
“He’s got a super cute puppy,” I say defensively. “And the money is insane.”
“What’s your banker’s name again?” Aphrodite asks in that peculiar way I dislike.
Knowing I will regret it, I tell her anyway. She types in a few keys, then whistles. “Super cute… puppy , was it?”
I bet she’s looking at the picture on Bruce’s Wikipedia page—which doesn’t actually do the in-person Bruce justice.
“I know what you’re thinking,” I say. “And you’re wrong.”
“I’m thinking that if you wanted to snag yourself a billionaire, it was smart to meet with him on the day you’re ovulating. Men are more attracted to us during that time window.”
“Excuse me?” I force myself to slow down. I’m approaching the estate’s security gate, and the last thing I want is a reprimand from Bruce for putting one of his guards in the hospital. “What are you talking about?”
“You’re ovulating,” Aphrodite says, relishing the word. “When we saw you this morning, Uranus sniffed it out.”
Grr. I shouldn’t have given Uranus a chance to use his very particular set of skills on me. “Next time you need a dog trainer, I won’t be there to help you,” I growl, though I wonder if this stupid ovulation could explain why I find icy Bruce hot—in a purely physical sense.
“Don’t be mad,” Aphrodite says as I drive through the gate and turn onto the road. “I figured you’d want to know in case you happen to hook up with him. That way, you can decide what you want: to protect yourself from an unwanted pregnancy or the opposite.”
“The opposite?”
“You know, trap a billionaire with a baby,” she says helpfully.
I grit my teeth. “There will be no sex with that monster. And certainly no babies.”
She sighs. “You need a boyfriend, and this guy is a billionaire who is easy on the eyes.”
“I don’t need a boyfriend, but if I did, the owner of the evilest bank in the world is the last man I would consider. Your aunt and uncle lost their house because of him.”
“I’m sure he didn’t personally handle their loan,” she says. “The argument can be made that they lost their house because they didn’t pay their mortgage.”
“I’m not going to argue this with you again,” I say. “The owner of a business is ultimately responsible for what his company does. Anyway, even if he didn’t own that cursed bank, I’d never date a client. And a jerk at that.”
She hums. “I find it very interesting how much you’ve thought about this already.”
I press on the gas a little too enthusiastically. “Have not.”
“Protest too much?”
“No.” I tap the brake. It’s not worth getting a speeding ticket over this.
“Well,” she says. “I’m sure you also realize that he won’t be your client forever, and it’s possible you don’t know him well enough to be sure of his jerkiness yet.”
Ugh. “Forget it, Aphro. Even if he magically turned into a nice person who owned a bunch of charities, his family would never let him date someone like me. They’re the old-money kind of rich, while you and I are white trash.”
“We’re business owners,” Aphrodite says defensively.
“Of tiny businesses,” I say. “And our parents can’t even say that much.”
My dad does pool maintenance, and my mom cleans other people’s houses; both work for a company owned by someone else. Aphrodite’s mom is a hairdresser, and her dad was an anonymous sperm donor that her mom had a one-night stand with. Bruce’s parents, on the other hand, are famous for philanthropy and organizing fundraisers in New York. I doubt I’d know what to say to them if I met them.
She sighs. “Our parents are lower, lower, lower middle class.”
“Yeah,” I say sarcastically. “Same income bracket as Joe Dirt.”
“You know,” she says. “Mood swings and irritability are very common during ovulation.”
I groan. “Can you leave my reproductive organs out of the conversation, please?” Next time I’m over at her place, I’m going to train Uranus to pee in her shoes.
“Okay,” she says. “But only if you tell me everything.”
So I do just that, and it takes most of my drive home because when I get to the part where I’m moving in with Bruce, I have to reiterate my refusal to be Bruce’s baby mama.
“I expect daily reports,” she says when I’m finally finished.
“Sure.” I hang up and park next to my dingy condo complex.
The movers are already waiting outside my door, and they look very high end, for movers. I didn’t even know that was a thing. They call me “ma’am” and handle my crap with care—which makes me wonder if Bruce is paying them more than the stuff they’re about to move is worth.
Either way, when it comes to my sex toys and video games, I don’t want the movers involved. When they’re not looking, I sneak The Squirrel—a lipstick-sized clitoral vibrator—from my nightstand into a Converse shoebox where I keep such things, and then I disconnect my Nintendo Switch dock from the TV and put that and the console into a special carry case along with all of my favorite games.
“Can I help you carry that?” asks one of the movers, reaching for the shoebox.
I take a step back. “No, thanks.”
“What about that?” He gestures at the game carry case.
“No.” I step back again… and trip over my coffee table—which is when many things happen at once.
I flail my arms.
The shoebox and the carry case fly out of my hands.
A mover catches me before I break my back.
Another mover catches the bag with the games, but the side of the shoebox hits the coffee table and pops open, sending sex toys flying in different directions, with a few hitting the movers.
Oh, shit.
Someone kill me now .
Face burning, I extricate myself from my savior, snatch The Squirrel from the floor, and shove it into my pocket.
Except I miss the pocket and the thing falls on the floor again—causing me to have to bend over one more time.
Maybe it would’ve been better if I’d hit my head on something.
To my horror, the dudes pick up the toys nearest them, then nonchalantly stash them back in the shoebox.
Wow. Not a snicker, nor a wink, nor a chuckle. These must be the most professional movers in the world.
“Thanks,” I mumble when the cursed box is handed back to me. “See you at the mansion.”
I start escaping when I hear the one who caught me say, “If we don’t see you, we’ll just leave the stuff in your new room, and you can rearrange it after.”
If I had any money, I’d give them a huge tip as hush money. The guy has to know I’m going to eat a meal and otherwise stall on my way back so that there’s no way I’ll face him and his crew ever again.
When I drive up to the mansion, the front door is closed and there’s no sign of the moving truck.
Whew.
I ring the doorbell, and like a case of déjà vu, Bruce opens it, eyes even icier.
“What now?” I ask, reminding myself to stay polite.
He looks like he wants to behead me or worse. “Once again, you’re late.”