26. Adrian
CHAPTER 26
ADRIAN
Piper’s visit with me is over much, much too soon, and giving her back to Sydney in the afternoon is torture. I wish Jane were here, but she’s at work.
As though sensing my mood, Leo clickety-clacks into the living room, leaps onto the couch, and cozies up to me.
“It will be much better after the hearing,” I tell him. “Piper will spend half her time here.”
Leo yawns.
Piper smells even better than bacon, and I don’t make that comparison lightly.
I hug him and scratch behind his ears, which makes me feel somewhat better.
We hang out like that for a bit before I get a text from Jane.
Headed home soon. Want me to get anything on the way?
I look at Leo. “Want to go for a walk?”
Leo’s eyes gleam excitedly. He jumps from the couch and sprints to the elevator.
I tell Jane that Leo and I will meet her on the way, and then I pack enough food for a small picnic, text an assistant to set up my favorite spot in the park, and head out.
As usual, Leo marks the first couple of trees like the fate of the world depends on it. From there, we walk briskly and catch Jane just as she’s leaving the library.
“Hi,” she says with a smile that lifts my mood and makes me want to kiss her sweetly curved lips.
Leo’s tail wags so hard I half expect his butt to lift off the pavement, helicopter style.
“I’ve missed your yummy smell,” Leo says to Jane.
She cocks her head. “Is that a hint? Should I use more deodorant?”
I grin. “Are you hungry?” I show her the basket.
“A picnic?!” she exclaims. “How very Victorian! I love that.”
My mood improves further, and I offer her my arm. “Let’s go. I know a great spot.”
We walk leisurely, and Jane tells me about her day. When she asks about mine, I feel some of the earlier melancholy return. “The visit was too short,” I say.
Jane squeezes my elbow. “You miss her terribly, don’t you?”
I nod.
“Well, she’s a special baby,” Jane says. “I’ve just met her, and I already miss her. In fact, if it weren’t my second day at the new job, I would’ve totally stayed with you guys.”
“Don’t even worry about it,” I say. “But since you’ve brought up how busy you are with the new job, I wanted to ask you… Do you think you could get away for an hour during lunch?”
“I think so,” she says. “To go where?”
“City Hall,” I say. “To get a marriage license, the couple is required to be there in person.”
She lets go of my arm and stares at me, eyes wide. “Is it time for that already?”
“This is just to get the license, which is valid for sixty days,” I explain. “That way, we have a largish window to actually tie the knot.”
She looks overwhelmed. “When do you want to do that bit?”
“I’m thinking sooner rather than later,” I say soothingly. “Just waiting on advice from my lawyers and the PR firm.”
She rolls her eyes. “How romantic.”
The word “romantic”—or was it “how?”—triggers something in Leo’s doggy brain, and he rips at the leash with all his might, causing it to slip out of my grip.
“Oh, no!” Jane exclaims. “Someone is about to get pushed into the mud!”
Fuck. Not that. I already have a wife candidate; I don’t need Leo to choose me another.
I start running, but Leo speeds up.
“Stop!” I yell. “Sit!”
The dog either doesn’t hear me or ignores the commands.
Maybe I should invest in those inhumane-seeming dog collars that have spikes? No way. But I could hire a team of dog catchers—assuming that’s a thing—so that they could walk nearby to intercept Leo when he does this.
At least he’s headed toward my chosen picnic spot, just much faster than is reasonable.
“Where is he going?” Jane pants from about a foot away.
Huh. She’s kept up with us? “I have no idea,” I reply over my shoulder.
Soon, though, I get an inkling, and I don’t like it one bit.
There’s a lady walking a King Poodle female in the distance. At least, I presume she’s female based on the dog’s pink collar and even pinker bow. The bitch—I mean the dog, of course—has recently received one of those signature pompadour haircuts that exposes the butt, and I strongly suspect said rear end is Leo’s destination. Not that I’m saying a female with her butt exposed is “asking for it” or anything like that. Besides, Leo is probably drawn to her smell, not the look.
“Leo, down!” I yell.
Nope.
He reaches the female, ignores the loud protestations of the human lady, and takes a good inhale of pedigreed poodle ass.
“Help!” the lady shouts.
I speed up because the poodle seems to be “flagging” Leo her interest—at least I assume that’s why she’s so pointedly showcasing her butt to him.
Just as Leo gets ready to mount, I arrive on the scene, grab his leash, and pull him away.
Leo gives me a betrayed look that seems to say, “Dude, cockblock much?”
The poodle glares at me too, and the meaning of her gaze is pretty much the same as that of Leo, but in French.
The human female clutches her pearls—yes, she’s wearing them—and is screaming things like, “Atrocity,” and “Diseased mutt,” and “I’ll neuter him myself!”
“No one is neutering anyone,” I say firmly. “Leo is very sorry, and so am I.”
Leo does look sorry… that I got there in time to stop him.
“Sorry?” the lady shouts. “He almost raped my Sisi.”
I look at Jane for help. The last thing I want to do as a guy is make excuses when it comes to sexual consent, even if we’re talking about dogs.
Jane peers at the poodle. “I think she’s in heat.”
“How dare you?” the lady snaps.
“See how her tail is curled to the side?” Jane points at the appendage in question. “Before she was fixed, that would happen to Lassie too.” Turning to me, Jane adds, “She was the dog we had when I was a kid.”
“Her tail does that from time to time,” the lady says, sounding unsure. “When she’s on her period.”
“One that comes every six months or so?” Jane asks.
Frowning, the lady nods.
“Is Sisi fixed?” Jane continues.
The lady lifts her chin. “She’s beyond such things.”
I can tell Jane is having a hard time keeping her face calm. “Even if Sisi is beyond such things, she is in heat, which means her pheromones will have an effect on the male dogs she comes into contact with.”
The lady pulls on Sisi’s leash. “I will not stand here and continue this vulgar conversation.” With that, she struts away, with Sisi turning around from time to time to cast longing looks at Leo—though that last bit could just be my imagination.
Leo whines.
For the love of naked butts, just one sniff, please. Pretty please.
“Sorry, bud,” I say. “Maybe peanut butter will make you feel better?”
The whining stops.
I grin. “If the devil ever wanted the souls of dogs, Leo’s would cost him a jar of peanut butter.”
Jane grins back. “Most other dogs’ too.”
I gesture at my favorite picnic spot. “What do you think?”
Jane examines it. “Isn’t someone already sitting there?”
“Yeah. Us,” I say. “I had my assistant set it up.”
Jane hurries over to the blanket with evident excitement, while I walk over to the pole in the ground and attach Leo’s leash to it thoroughly—I don’t want to chase him again.
Once Leo is secure, I give him his favorite hollowed-out butt-plug-looking toy that has frozen peanut butter inside.
“Now everyone has something to munch on,” I say to Jane, then open the basket and pull out the food for us humans.
“Cucumber sandwiches?” Jane exclaims. “Do you have tea too?”
“What am I, a barbarian?” Pulling out a thermos, I pour each of us a cup.
When Jane tastes hers, the blissful expression on her face does to me what poodle pheromones must’ve done to Leo—except I have more self-control.
I think.
“Are there spices in this tea?” Jane asks, licking her lips. “Like in chai?”
I shake my head, trying not to think about what I’d like that tongue to lick instead.
“What about molasses?”
“Nope.” My voice is slightly hoarse.
“What kind of tea is it then?”
I strain to recall. “Da Hong Pao, I think.”
“I think it’s now my favorite,” she says. “I’ve never had tea that smelled like an orchid before.”
“It’s a good tea,” I say, finally asserting my control over Yoda. And to keep said control, I add, “I also have a tea that is fertilized by the dung of panda bears—but I figured I’d warn you before brewing something like that.”
There. Dung is unsexy, and pandas refuse to propagate their species—also a mood killer.
Jane’s nose crinkles. “Why would you use that as fertilizer?”
I shrug. “Something about the bears only digesting thirty percent of the nutrients in wild bamboo. Or maybe it’s a marketing ploy.”
“A weird one,” Jane says, then darts a glance at Leo and blushes.
I check what the problem is.
Done with his treat, Leo has decided to give a certain part of his anatomy a tongue bath to work off the tension from his unconsummated encounter.
I clear my throat. “I hope you don’t mind,” I say to Jane. “I don’t want to shame him for doing that.”
“It’s fine,” Jane says, keeping her gaze on anything but Leo’s tongue. “He’s only doing what all men fantasize about.”
I can’t help myself. “My fantasies involve others.”
As I could’ve predicted, her blush deepens. “Has Leo ever actually had sex?” Jane asks in a clear attempt to change the subject.
I shake my head, Yoda back in action. Not at the thought of Leo having sex, of course, but of a certain small, cute female of the human species doing so.
“Then why is he intact?” Jane presses.
Okay, that topic is also a mood killer, thankfully. “You’ve never done it either, yet no one is suggesting you get fixed, right?”
Impossibly, her cheeks turn another shade redder. “I think when Mom talked me into getting my IUD, the sentiment was similar to that of dog owners.”
I chuckle. “I know it’s silly, but I’ve always pictured myself under the knife and decided I couldn’t do it to Leo. After today, though, I might consider having him get a vasectomy.”
Jane cocks her head. “No sheep-like puppies for him?”
“No.” I scratch my head. “I’m not even sure if he’ll ever get to have sex. I always figured that unless I had a female dog always available for him, letting him try sex would just make him miserable for the majority of the time when it’s not available.”
“Oh?” Jane says. “Is that your self-enforced celibacy talking?”
“Maybe.” I sigh. “But still, one can’t miss what one has never tried.”
Jane’s cheeks reach the infrared zone once again. “I think one can miss it without trying it.”
She has a point. When I was a teen, I was dying to have sex long before any girl was willing to do it with me. Also, we’re back on the topic we really shouldn’t be on… because Yoda.
“I guess I’ll have to find Leo some willing female dog as a girlfriend,” I say, trying to get back to the canines. “I’m sure there are agencies and such that can help me out.”
“Right,” Jane says tentatively. “And since we’re on the subject of devirginization, I’ve been wanting to ask you for a big favor…”
No.
There’s no way she?—
“Adrian,” she says, looking down and blushing even more fiercely. “Would you Grandly Deflower me?”