The Bind

20. Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

Colter

I rattle the ice in my glass and bring the straw to my lips to finish off the drink, wishing it contained something a hell of a lot stronger than water.

“Is this seat taken?” A hand reaches over to grasp my forearm, and I catch Barbie pink nails, long as claws, curling around my wrist. I turn to the side, completely forgetting that I caught the eye of the random blonde from the end of the bar.

My stomach lurches at the sight of her pulling up the chair next to me, but I force a half-smile and help her pull out the seat.

“Nope. All yours.”

This doesn’t feel right. Not in the slightest. But I need to do this. I need to get back to my old ways of one-night stands with women who are as shallow as me. It’s the dry spell, I tell myself. It’s a dry spell that started the day I met the leggy brunette who has whittled her way into my mind.

I bring my glass back to my lips, forgetting that I’ve already drained it.

I’d be a fool to think I could ever get over the woman that is Annaliese Keeton. But I can’t have her. The better part of me knows I don’t even deserve her. I’ve done fuck-all to warrant a good woman in my life. Especially one as brilliant and as kind as Annaliese. But it doesn’t stop this ache deep in my chest, a cavern widening with each day that ticks on.

“So, what’s your name?” the blonde asks again, and I set my empty glass on the table, pushing it toward the bartender as he approaches.

“Bourbon on the rocks,” I tell him. I haven’t had a drop of liquor since the night before I met Annaliese. I hadn’t needed it anymore, no longer craved it. The only thing I’ve wanted to get fucked up on, the only high I’ve been itching for, is her.

And earlier today, I almost let myself get drunk off of her. If I had one taste, I know I’d be a goner. But that can’t happen. My relationship with Richard might be fucked at this point, but the bottom line is that Annaliese is still leaving in a few months. If I plan to make it through the rest of my time with her, and whatever purgatory I’ll be living in once she’s gone, then I’m going to need to drink something stronger.

He nods and turns to make my drink, and it’s only then that I twist in my chair to face the woman at my side. I reach a hand out, taking her clammy hand in mine. “Colter. Dr. Colter Andrews.” I wince a little at my words. Is this really what I do? Is this the man I’ve become? I used to live for the moment I’d drop the doctor title and see the sparkle in a woman’s eye. But the moment doesn’t hit quite like it used to.

Maybe it’s because I’m out of practice. It’s been three months since I’ve been in this bar, in a moment like this, trying to find someone to bring home for the night.

“Daphne.”

“Nice to meet you, Daphne.” Her name rolls off my tongue with a bitter taste. I let my eyes fall to the cleavage that’s nearly bursting out of her too-tight dress. Her pink nails match her pink lipstick and the pink stripper heels that are currently rubbing along the back of my calf. Her entire look used to be what I’d aim for, but right now, it does absolutely nothing besides make me sick. My stomach clenches, and I nearly double over from the feeling.

I can’t do this.

I’m about to make some sorry excuse to leave, to go back home alone with my tail between my legs and dreams of Annaliese, when the squeals from a bachelorette party catch my eye.

A group of girls came in a few minutes ago, and the bride in white with her party sash held my gaze a little longer than what’s appropriate for a woman about to promise her life to another. Three months ago, I might have invited her to the back room for a little fun. Hell, a year ago I definitely would have. But tonight, when she eye-fucked me from across the bar, an unfamiliar, sickening weight settled in my chest.

“Your bourbon, sir.” The bartender sets my glass across the smooth oak bar and I reach for it. I bring the glass to my mouth, ready to take a sip as I peruse the rest of the bachelorette party, but my hand freezes when I spy a brunette with her back to me.

Long, athletic legs peek out from a tiny black dress. She’s paired it with a worn leather jacket and black boots. The whole outfit is sexy with an edge, and I’m immediately drawn to her.

Daphne says something, and I half-heartedly turn to answer her question, barely keeping the conversation afloat when my gaze flicks back to where the brunette was standing.

She’s moved from her spot; she stands in front of the bank of windows that line the street. The bride carries a tray of shots over to her friends, passing them out one by one. I crane my neck over the bustle of the crowd, wanting to catch a glimpse of the brunette’s face but losing her in my line of sight.

Then the bride shouts something, gathering all the women together when she turns to her friend still gazing out the window at the light mist that’s falling from the sky. “Annaliese, get your ass over here!”

Annaliese.

My heart thunders, and the moment becomes a slow-motion montage as Annie slowly turns her head to look over her shoulder, her long wavy hair following a moment behind. She smiles at her friend, her face lighting up with a breathtaking glow that has my chest tightening for an entirely different reason.

I should have known it was her. I should have known that the first genuine attraction I’ve felt for a woman since the day she walked into my life was directed toward her.

I should have noticed the combination of sex and strength; the delicate, sexy woman who can also hold her own.

Annie grabs the shot from her friend's hand, and once they raise them all up for a cheer, I push my chair back to break away from Daphne.

I slide the abandoned liquor back toward the bartender, pulling out my wallet to slap a few twenty dollar bills on the counter. “Could I get two waters, please?”

He nods and he works, then I turn toward the confused blonde at my side. “I’m sorry about this, I’m going to chat with a friend of mine. I’d like to buy your drink if that’s okay.” I nod to her half-guzzled glass of wine, and her brow furrows at my abrupt exit.

Tucking my wallet back into my pocket, I grasp the two waters and make my way toward the party.

Their shots have been downed, most of the girls letting out brief hisses or grimacing faces as the liquid burns their throat. My eyes scan the group and I’m not surprised to find Annie with her face back to the glass, arms linked across her chest as she gazes at the sky.

I gently move through the crowd, nodding to those I pass as I come to stand behind Annie. The two glasses of water weigh heavy in my hands. I should have bought a round for the group, or maybe sent over an expensive bottle of champagne to impress her friends. But fueled by the knowledge I have of her, I know she’s not one to take shots, and doesn’t like booze much at all. So I pull up next to her and gently elbow her in the arm.

“You look like you might want a glass of water.”

She finally turns to me. She looks first at the glass in my outstretched hand, then up to my face, a smile cracking her perfect lips when she sees who it is.

And fuck me, if that isn’t the best feeling in the world.

She looks again at the glass in my hand, but keeps her arms crossed over her chest protectively. Her gaze shoots over her shoulder, back to the bar where I was sitting, and lands on Daphne who has turned in her chair to watch my every move. Of course she did.

“Are you sure your date doesn’t mind you coming over here?”

“She’s not my date.”

“Oh?” She unclasps her arms to finally take the water from my outstretched hand. “You two looked pretty cozy a few minutes ago, could have fooled me that it wasn’t a date.”

Shit.

Annie brings the straw to her lips, drinking nearly half the glass of water in one drink before setting it on the ledge in front of her next to her abandoned shot that’s still two-thirds full. “Thank you, I needed that.”

“She isn’t my date,” I say again, needing to drive that point home. “I just came here for a drink, and we were chatting.”

She purses her lips together, nodding once in disbelief. “You came here to have a glass of water with a stranger?” She nods to the drink in my hand.

I let out a heavy exhale, knowing that there’s no sense in lying to her. I run a palm over my jaw and turn to look out the window, noticing the mist turning into sleet against the glass.

“I came here for a specific reason, yeah. But I was just about to tuck tail and go home alone when I saw you. And you know what? I’d rather stand here and sip water with you in silence all night long then spend it with anyone else, especially her.” I tilt my head back toward the bar to reference who “her” is, and Annaliese cringes, turning back toward the window.

“Don’t let my judgment taint your evening, Colter.”

Colter.

The way she says my name is like a drug. The moment it rolls off her tongue I feel it in every vein, running through my system with palpable relief.

“She isn’t what I want,” I say, keeping my gaze firmly on her as I take a drink of water.

Annie’s eyes flick to the side at my comment. “And what do you want?”

I stare at her side profile for a while, letting my silence answer her question. She purses her lips together to temper a smile, and we stand in comfortable silence, watching the freezing rain fall heavy and hearing the pattering of each drop against the glass. I am standing so close to Annie that I can smell her perfume and the scent of her shampoo. I am filled with the relief I was so desperate to find.

She brings her hand up to her mouth to stifle a yawn, and quickly peeks over her shoulder to see if her friends noticed. I follow her eye, seeing they’ve lost themselves on the dance floor long ago.

“Having fun tonight?”

She smiles through another yawn. “Yeah, sort of. Rachel and I–Rachel being the bride, by the way – we were good friends back in high school. Talked a little bit through college, but it feels more like we’re acquaintances. Her fiance was also in our friend group, so I felt like I couldn’t say no to coming out tonight.” She yawns again, and gently draws a finger under her eye to wipe away a tired tear. “I think I’m ready to call it a night, though.” She picks up her water from the edge, bringing it to her lips for a long drink then sets it back down.

Her hand comes up to squeeze my bicep, and she lifts her head to smile at me. “I’m heading out. Thank you for the water.” Her head cocks back to the bar. “Go have a drink, have fun tonight. Pretend you didn’t see me.”

She slinks away, sliding through the patrons toward the dance floor. She grasps Rachel’s forearm and whispers something in her ear. Rachel pulls back with a fake pout, and Annie throws her arms around her shoulders in an exaggerated hug. She kisses her on the cheek and waves to the other girls with both hands. The second she turns, I see the practiced smile fall from her face.

A part of me expected her to come back this way, to say goodbye to me once more before she leaves, but as I watch her weave through the crowd, I realize she’s almost out the door.

I abandon my glass next to hers, moving swiftly through the crowd to catch her at the door. Wrapping my hand around her elbow, I tug her back under the awning just as she says thank you to the bouncer.

“Let me give you a ride home.”

She slowly pulls out of my grasp, side stepping to give me some space as we both huddle under the awning. “It’s only a few blocks to walk, I’ll be fine.”

I reach a hand out from underneath the canopy, letting the drops of icy water gather in my palm before bringing it back to her and shaking it out. “I think it’s a little cold.”

She rolls her eyes and wraps her arms around her core again. I tell myself it’s from the chill, desperate to believe that it isn’t my proximity making her uncomfortable.

I step closer, brushing up to her until she has to tilt her face up to meet my gaze. “Let me give you a ride home.”

She licks her lips, and my eyes immediately fall to the act.

“What about your friend?”

“There’s no friend. You know that.”

She nods slowly as her eyes search my face for any hint that I’m lying. “Fine,” she says eventually. “But only because it’s sleeting and this is my favorite jacket.”

I give her shoulder a squeeze, asking her to stay as I pull my keys from my pocket. I jog across the street to the parking lot and dip inside my car as the sleet begins to pour down.

Pulling up to the street, I spy Annie and the bouncer engaging in small talk. I know I have no right to be jealous. Hell, we both know the reason I was at the bar tonight. And we both know that if she hadn’t walked in, I might have tried to take the blonde Barbie home. I don’t know if I would have been able to follow through with it. I know I would have needed two or three more drinks to even build the courage, but the twisted part of me knows that even if I took her to bed, there would have only been one woman on my mind. And it wouldn’t have been the one lying under me.

I park along the curb, hopping out to walk back to Annie. She’s engaged in polite conversation with the bouncer, and he says something that makes her laugh. She throws her head back, that beautiful sleek neck on display, and jealousy churns in my gut.

I wrap an arm around her waist, possessively pulling her to my side as I nod to the bouncer. “Thanks again, goodnight.”

I turn us both toward my car, and reach to grasp the handle to open the door for Annaliese. Once she’s safely inside and reaching for the seat belt, I shut the door.

A wave of relief crashes through my chest knowing she’s safe in my car, and I grit my teeth as I run through the rain to the other side.

She doesn’t say anything as I pull onto the street; she just watches my side profile curiously as I cautiously weave through traffic. Her posture eventually relaxes into the seat, and she lifts her arm to rest an elbow on the door, her fist propping up her chin as she watches the frozen flakes dance across the glass.

She still hasn’t said anything as I pull up in front of her apartment building. She’s quiet as I put the car in park, my hand resting on the shifter between us.

It’s only then that she turns and shifts her position so her knees are turned toward me, the bare skin of her legs brushing against my fingers ever so slightly.

“Why were you at that bar tonight, Colter?”

Her question isn’t really a question. More of a statement. More of a demand as we both know the exact reason I was at the bar sitting next to that woman. But to come right out and tell her that I can’t fucking think about anyone but her, that she’s the one woman to ever capture me in the way she has, is a truth I’m not ready to give; so I opt for the second best half-truth.

“I was trying to distract myself.”

“Hmmm…” she responds, adjusting again so her hands fall to her lap. The movement causes the panels of her leather jacket to fall open, and my gaze falls to her chest, finally seeing the front of the tiny dress she is wearing.

I suck in a breath, noting the gentle slope of her collar bones, the way the moonlight shines off of her creamy skin, and the hint of cleavage ready to fall out of the loose V-neck of her dress.

She doesn’t miss my hiss or the way my eyes are fixated across her body. A small smile draws across her lips, and she tsks once before shaking her head.

“What’s that for?”

She turns to me, pinning her eyes to mine. “I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to tell me the truth.”

I nod. “Anything.”

“Did you almost kiss me today?”

Damn. I truly hadn’t expected her to ask me that. Not tonight. Not now.

“Yes.” I let the word hang between us, knowing that I don’t want to lie to her.

“But you stopped yourself.”

“Yes,” I say again.

“So instead of handling it like the grown man you claim to be, you came here, hoping to find a random bar slut to occupy you for the night?”

Her voice cracks with the last few words, and I reach my arm across the center console for her hand, desperate to ease the strained look on her face.

As soon as my hand covers hers, she pulls it away and brings it protectively to her chest. “Is it because we’re coworkers? Because I’m a resident and you’re an attending, and people would gossip?”

It’s my turn to shake my head. “No.”

“Is it because of my age?”

I nod, wanting to give her a reason to build up the wall between us.

She watches me, her gaze unwavering. “Bullshit.”

“You calling my bluff, Keeton?”

“I am. Because you’re forty-two, not ninety-two, and I’m a twenty-eight-year-old woman with a fully developed frontal cortex. This isn’t some teenage drama, Colt. We’re consenting adults, and most days I think we want the same thing.”

We do. But wanting and acting are two very different subjects.

“Do you want to kiss me?”

I exhale heavily, falling back into my seat to rub both hands over my face. “You don’t need to even ask me that. I think it’s pretty fucking clear what I want.”

“Is it, though?” she pushes. “Because sometimes, it is clear what you want. Some days I think you want me almost as much as I want you. Some days you buy my favorite candy and let me listen to 80s music in the OR. Some days you listen to me vent about my daddy issues and fears about being a surgeon. You held my hair back and rubbed my back while I barfed in your very fancy bathroom. But then I arrived at the bar tonight and saw that bimbo with her claws wrapped around your forearm and I wanted to rip the hot pink wedge right off her foot and beat you to a pulp with it.”

Her unexpected rant pulls a laugh from me, and I double over across the steering wheel. “That would have been hilarious.”

She leans her back against the window, drawing in a heavy inhale that pushes her chest out, and my eyes fall to her cleavage again.

“Sometimes I think you want me, and sometimes I think you’re almost going to let yourself have me, but every time we’re almost there, you pull back.”

I rub my lips together, running my tongue over my teeth as I nod. She’s not wrong. I’m the older one here, the one that should be mature about this and I’m acting like a fucking teenager in heat. She’s too good for this. She’s too good for this push and pull between us and she deserves a hell of a lot more man than me.

I reach a hand over to grab her knee, and this time she doesn’t shy away. She covers her hand with mine and squeezes.

“You’re right.” I exhale heavily, ready to lay it all out there. “I want you, Annailese. I like you in a way that I haven’t liked another woman before, in ways that I didn’t truly believe were possible. I haven’t even kissed you. I don’t know what it’s like to feel your lips against mine, your body underneath me as I do everything in my power to make you scream, yet somehow I’ve become obsessed with you.” I’ve imagined just that–hundreds, if not thousands, of times since the moment I laid eyes on her–and I still can’t get her out of my head.

Her pouty bottom lip falls open in surprise, and before I give in and capture her mouth with mine, I continue, “But I owe everything I have to your father. He’s the reason I am where I am today and he’s the reason I’ll likely be Chief within the next few years. Doing what I want, with you…” I trail off, letting my eyes rake over her body. “It would destroy him.” Even if their relationship is strained, he’s still a father wanting what he feels is the best for his daughter, and I doubt that’s being with a man like me. And in turn, it would destroy my career, which, until I met her, was the only thing I had ever cared about in my life. If she were to leave me, hell, when she does leave me in just a few short months to return to her residency overseas, my career will be the only thing left in my life to fight for.

Her hand slowly pulls off of mine and retreats to her lap, but I reach over, taking it back. “Believe me. God, you have to believe me, Annie. In another world, another life, I’d do things very, very differently.”

She raises her right hand to trace a line through the fog that’s gathered on the side windows. Thick rivulets of snow run down the glass, and she zigzags her finger in between the rows before turning toward me. “Do you want to come upstairs, Colter?”

I let my head fall back into my seat at her suggestion. “Fuck, don’t ask me that. You and I both know I want to come upstairs.”

“But you won’t,” she states. “And I don’t get it. You can say it’s my dad until you are blue in the face, but my dad isn’t in the car with us right now. The only person that seems to be holding yourself back is you.”

“I’m still bound by my history with him. What I want to have, and what I can have, are two very, very different things, Annie. How can I make you see that?”

She pulls her hand from my reach again, and uses both hands to angrily rake her fingers through her hair. “Ugh, you are so infuriating!” She slaps her hands down to her thighs and falls back in the seat before looking at me. “You want to know what I think?”

“Even if I didn’t, I’m sure you will tell me anyway.”

Her eyes dart back and forth across mine for a minute before she starts, “Timelines can be a funny thing. Do you really owe your career to my dad? Or did he see someone that had the brains, the work ethic, the motivation, but just doubted themselves? I think you are the one that built your life from scratch. I think he just happened to be working at the hospital you were hired at. I think he saw something in you. Yes, maybe he taught you well. But I think you would have learned just as much from any other attending you came across.” She leans closer to me with every sentence that comes from her mouth, her hand raising to poke a finger into my chest as she says her next piece. “I think he saw something in you, and I think he knew you were doubting yourself. He feasted on that, and somehow got you to believe that you wouldn’t be where you are today without him. He rode your coat tails all the way to your success and let you believe that you wouldn’t have found your way on your own. You don’t know that your moment, that your path, didn’t just happen to cross with his encouragement. It’s bullshit. I see it plain as day, and I wish like hell you could see it too. And now…”

She trails off, shaking her head with an aggravated groan as she unbuckles her seat belt. “Never mind. It’s all in vain, but from where I’m sitting, you are the one that created your own success. Not him. You just need to decide where your loyalties lie. To him, or to yourself.”

She grabs her purse from where it fell at her feet and reaches for the door handle, shoving it open as her leg darts out to land on the sidewalk.

“Annie, wait, I—”

Her head whips back at the pure desperation in my voice, and when she sees my face, her posture softens, just a little. She leans back in the seat, a palm reaching out to rest on my cheek.

I lean into her touch, inhaling sharply because every time she touches me it’s like this. A warm comfort washes over me, and leaves me craving more.

“Just think about it,” she says, her thumb grazing my cheek once. “Just really think about what you want. What happiness would look like to you. This is your life, Colt. At the end of the day, life is way too fucking short to spend it watering someone else’s lawn. Don’t waste this life when there are better people you could be surrounding yourself with, people who want to see you succeed without wondering what they will gain from it.”

I turn my head slightly to press a kiss to the center of her palm. The corner of her lip ticks up in a smile, barely, and my heart sinks.

“Good night, Colt. Thank you for the ride.”

I don’t whisper good night until she slams the car door in my face. I watch as she safely enters the building and turns the corner. I wait the time it would take for her to take the elevator to her floor, and once I see the light flick on in her apartment, I put the car in drive and slowly make my way back home, alone.