Chapter 5 #2
Something he said jumps into my head. “You said the deal came with all the perks. What does that mean?”
“Recording an album with his label and following that up with a huge tour. They’ll market and financially back it.”
“How long would that take?”
“Laying tracks and editing could take a few months. Leon seems to think he can get us on as openers with some top rock bands who are touring the globe. Maybe even headline a couple of smaller festivals and venues. That means a good year or more.”
My heart drops and my pulse pumps faster. “After you’re done recording and you go on tour, we’ll never see each other.”
“We’ll make it work.”
“So you’ve already decided. You’re doing this, aren’t you?”
“It’s been three months since I’ve spent time with you. I can’t tell what you’re thinking anymore.” I stare at Callum through the screen of my phone while sitting on a bench outside of the TV studio. “Do you like it or not?”
“Yeah, it’s really blue and sexy.” He licks his lips. “What made you dye your hair that color?”
“It’s my birthday and I’m going out tonight with friends. We’re going to dinner and then a private rave.”
His eyes flicker with concern. “Who’s going?”
“Gia and some of the crew from the show.”
He growls. “Is Sebastian going?”
“I don’t know. I don’t keep track of him, but he’s not coming out with us.”
A car horn beeps. I glance up and see a black Mercedes. Three of my friends are inside, waving me over.
I hold up a finger. “Callum, that’s my ride.”
“Yeah, okay.” Sadness washes through his expression. “You know I’d be there if I could.”
“Mhm-hmm.” I gather my stuff and stand. “I know you have to uphold your contract.”
“We’ll be together in a couple of days. Then I’m back for a while.”
“Can’t wait.” I start to sway toward the car.
“Lily?”
“What?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, but I’ve got to go.”
“Be safe.”
“You know it. Bye, love.”
“Bye, love. Happy birthday.”
I toss him a flirty smile. “Thanks and you better plan on making it up to me.”
“Already have something figured out.”
“Okay, tease. I really need to go. Have a great show tonight, rockstar.”
He nods and I blow him a kiss. He returns it and we disconnect.
I slide into the back seat of the car and get ready to have the time of my life tonight. I’m finally sixteen. It might not be that big of a deal, but it feels as if I’ve hit a major milestone.
My friends and I laugh through dinner, poking fun at each other. I sneak away and do a couple of lines while we’re at the restaurant. I plan on partying my ass off. If I can’t be with Callum tonight, I will have fun.
Once we get to the rave, we find an area where we can drink and dance. I’m drunk, flying high, and lose track of time.
My phone starts vibrating. I peek at the screen and notice it’s four in the morning.
Shit!
I was supposed to be home by two. The message from my dad is hard to focus on.
Daddy: Get home, now! Your mom is a mess.
Me: But Daddy, it’s my birthday. I’m having fun.
Daddy: I know, darling, but you keep testing us. She’s worried sick that you’re dead in a ditch somewhere. Get home so she’ll calm down.
I coil into myself and find my ride. I might be acting out a little, but I don’t want to hurt my mom. My thoughts twist and turn on the way back to my house.
My selfish behavior isn’t something I’m proud of. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I just got caught up in the moment.
Why do my parents put up with my bullshit?
I rest my head against the backseat of the car and my brain goes to the one place I hate. It takes me straight to her.
Who do I think I am?
I shouldn’t be out celebrating. I have no right.
As soon as that crosses my mind, memories of the baby Callum and I lost slam into my heart. If that hadn’t happened, we’d have a baby right now.
It’s all I think about until I get home. I find my parents snuggling on the living room couch. They stand as soon as I come into the room.
I lower my head. “I’m sorry I lost track of time.”
“It’s fine, darling. Just be more aware next time.” My dad starts turning off the lights.
My mom straightens out the blanket they were using. “I’m glad you had fun, but I was scared something bad happened.”
My insides hollow out. “Do you guys ever wish it wasn’t me?”
“What?” My dad stops what he’s doing.
My mind spins with all the awful things I’ve done. “I didn’t mean to. I never meant to take her or him. They should be here. Not me.”
“Who are you talking about?” My mom ambles over to me. “Livianna, what are you trying to say?”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry. That’s all. I’m sorry I took them away from everybody.”
My dad comes over to me. He begins to speak, but then something seems to click for him. “Lorna, she’s drunk and rambling.”
“Oh, dear. Let’s get her to bed.” My mom leads me up the stairs. “We’ll talk about this in the morning.”
I hang my head as she helps me into my room. She kisses my cheek. “Happy birthday, Livianna. Sleep well.”
She leaves and I sink down on my bed. I’ve destroyed people and they’ll never admit it to me.
How can they love me when I’m the cause of so much pain? It must be impossible.
I swim in that realization while I get ready for bed. I dig into my skin as I try to fall asleep, but the cocaine in my system has me wired. The alcohol in my blood isn’t helping either.
I mosey into my closet and find my stash. My heart aches and I long for Callum.
But how can he want me after what I did? It was my fault I got pregnant. Therefore, I’m the cause of Callum’s loss.
My miscarriage was so agonizing for him, he etched the memory of the baby on his back, forever there to remind him of what I couldn’t keep safe.
I need something to make my brain shut off, something to give me relief from the never-ending emptiness I’m responsible for. I get out some painkillers and two of my anxiety pills, hoping to end the misery of my thoughts.
These will do the trick. I slam them down and text Callum as I wait for them to hit.
Me: I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. It should’ve been her, not me. If I didn’t do what I did—
My vision gets blurry. I accidentally hit the send button. I type out another one, trying to finish my sentence.
Me: If she were here, maybe he would be too. You could’ve had her instead. I’m just the substitute. Always second best. I’m sorry I lost him.
The message goes out and my heartbeat slows. I feel strange, like I’m leaving my body. Everything goes black.