Chapter 7 #2
“I found out these”—I lift my chest and point to my boobs—“make men uncomfortable when I catch them looking when they shouldn’t be.”
Callum’s brows pinch together and he growls. “You used your tits to do what?”
“Nothing bad. I just made the sessions awkward by joking about them or telling them I knew they wanted to touch them.”
“Fuck, Lily. I don’t like to hear about men looking at you that way.”
“Like I’d ever do anything about it.” I slide off him and sit. “Women look at you like that all the time. I’m older now and have filled out even more. Guys are going to notice, so you may as well get used to it.”
“Let’s drop the subject. It’s not what I want to be focused on.” He rips the condom off.
Yikes. I think I might have upset him.
I coil into myself. “Why do you taste like weed? Did you smoke?”
“A little bit.”
“What about probation?”
“I got off last week after I finished my anger management classes. I’m a free man now. As long as I stay out of trouble, my record is sealed since I’m still a minor.” He gets up and disappears into the bathroom.
As he’s walking away, I notice he has two more fresh tattoos on his back. Up his spine is a black microphone stand. The mic is situated at the base of his neck and the power cord winds down the stand and around his vertebrae.
I can’t make out the other because he’s too far away. “Hey, you got more ink.”
“Yeah.” He does something in the bathroom and then strolls back to me. “What do you think?”
“I couldn’t really see it. Turn around and show it to me.”
He grabs his boxer briefs off the floor, puts them on, and sits on the edge of the mattress with his back to me. “The microphone is obvious, but the other is like my first one. A black and white lily field, but instead of a guitar, I have a piano sitting in it.”
I scroll my gaze over it. The heart is made up of white flowers and outlined with black ones this time. I also see a blue bow on the side of the piano bench.
I search for the other and don’t find one. “Why only one blue ribbon? And why is the heart white this time?”
“I was afraid your heart was stuck in a dark place, so I made it white so more light could shine in.” He turns and his pain-rimmed eyes connect with mine. “There’s only one blue bow because I can’t hold on to something that won’t come to pass.”
“So the one on the bench is a representation of your dad, not our…?” A hole in my chest breaks open.
He drops his gaze and nods. “All that matters now is you, my music, and my pops’ guidance.”
This is when it hits me. There’s no barn in this new artwork. Does he not see us building a life together anymore? Did I ruin us somehow?
A therapy session I was forced to have with my parents races to my mind. “Callum, my dad told me you thought our baby didn’t matter to me. That’s not true.”
He peers over at me with confusion swirling in his eyes. “How would I know that, Lily?”
“I don’t talk to you about it because I hate hurting. I feel so out of control when I do. It makes me mad.”
“Then why cut on yourself? That has to be painful.”
“That’s more of a release. When the agony builds up so much, I just need it to be gone. I get out of my head by cutting because all I’m focused on is the feeling of relief from scratching my skin.”
Callum pulls me into his arms. “You don’t have to take it on all by yourself anymore.”
“I know.” The last few months hit me and tears sting the corners of my eyes. I swallow them. “I promised my parents I’ll work on it in therapy and I will.”
“That’s good to hear.” He caresses my back. “I was scared, Lily. I thought I lost you. It made me realize nothing’s set in stone. There are a million things that could go wrong and separate us.”
“Does that mean you don’t see our home anymore? Is that why you didn’t have them draw a barn in the background?”
He’s quiet for a moment. “Maybe.”
Oh, he isn’t visualizing the future with me anymore. My stomach bottoms out.
I move out of his embrace and start to get dressed. “We should get out there before my parents come looking for me.”
“Lily…” He grabs my hand and stops me. “I still want it, but do you?”
“Yes.” I sink down on the bed in front of him and decide to quit running from the truth. “I want it all. Even what we lost.”
“Really?” His chest expands. He sits next to me, and a new spark of light brightens his eyes. “Everything?”
“Yes, everything. I want the same things as you.” I place my hand over his heart. “A life with you, kids, and watching Mayhem take over the world. I want it all.”
A smile breaks out over his face. “Fuck if that isn’t the best news I’ve ever heard.”
“And it’s true.”
“That reminds me.” He gives me a quick peck and rushes to get dressed. “Stay here, I’ll be right back.”
“Oh…kay.”
He runs out of the room. I finish getting my clothes on and straighten out the bed.
My dad knows we’re having sex in here. Otherwise, the condoms wouldn’t be in the nightstand drawer, but I still don’t want him to know when we’re together.
I meander into the en suite to fix my hair and makeup. A few moments pass as I primp.
Callum appears in the reflection of the mirror. His face is red and he’s trying to catch his breath.
“Come here.” He motions to the bed. “There’s something I wanna ask you, but I’m not doing it in the bathroom.”
I sway to him and press my lips gently to his. I can’t help but notice he’s shaking.
“What’s wrong?” With my heart rate accelerating, I peer at him. “Callum, are you okay?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”