Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Clay
Watching the healer set her broken bones and fuse her skin back together was a torture I hadn’t anticipated.
At first, she’d tried to keep her pain contained. She’d bitten down on that already bruised lip and let out tiny, hushed cries. Then, the healer had moved to the bones. Several of her ribs had broken. Healing them had been the first to rip screams out of her mouth.
When we’d moved on to her wrist, I’d almost stopped the entire process and insisted she needed to rest first.
The wrist had been the worst by far. Multiple breaks, all in different places.
The healer frowned and avoided our gaze when she told us Thea had essentially shattered it.
Then she’d explained that it would be impossible to return it to its original state.
Throughout it all, Thea had stared ahead with an emotionless expression, taking it all in as if she had expected the healer to warn her that the wrist would ache for the rest of her life.
When it came time to heal it, Thea had just lifted her arm for the woman, sniffing as she prepared herself.
The healer frowned, asked me to hold her still, and let her magic wash over Thea in a glowing rush.
The wails were unlike anything I’d ever heard.
Thea had screamed until her throat went raw, and then hoarse gasps tore out of her.
All the while, I’d rocked her and tried my hardest to keep her calm, hating that there wasn’t more I could do.
She had been uncomfortably quiet while she bathed afterwards, muttering a quick explanation about how she’d fled the castle with Nessira.
Her voice had broken when she’d described the way her friend had died trying to protect her; then she’d buried her face in her hands and sobbed.
All I’d been able to do then was run my hand up and down her back while the tears erupted out of her.
When she’d finally exhausted herself, she’d pulled on one of my shirts, slid under the dark, silken covers of my bed, and promptly fallen asleep curled against me.
Days passed in a haze. She slept sporadically, often waking abruptly from nightmares only to fall fitfully back to sleep moments later. Her body seemed to need an unreasonable amount of rest to recover from what she'd been through.
I, however, couldn't manage to bring myself to close my eyes.
Irrational fear lingered in the darkest depths of my soul, terror that if I closed my eyes for even a minute when I opened them she would be gone again.
So, for days I laid there next to her, allowing Elaina and Camilla to lead the compound so I could run my fingers through her silken hair and assure myself that she was, in fact, here.
The bruises were gone, but I still saw them every time I looked down at her. In the moments she woke and pulled me closer to her, I couldn't ignore the haunted look in her eyes.
I didn't think that would go away any time soon.
Eventually, when she was ready, I would ask her about what had happened in those months we’d spent apart. I would hold her against me just as I was now, and I would contain the emotions that threatened to tear me apart while I listened to her story.
No matter how hard that would be for me.
There had never been so much hatred festering inside me—hatred for those men and for Caldrius and Hyrax.
And so much hatred for myself because I had left her in that castle in the first place.
This was not the same Thea I had left behind. This Thea had suffered beatings and trauma. Someone had taken the most precious thing in this realm and abused her.
And as much as I hated them for doing it to her, I hated myself more for failing to protect the one person who mattered to me more than any crown.
A lump formed in my throat, heaviness pressing down on my chest as I shifted, beginning to pull away. She woke in an instant, turning over to face me with a wild kind of desperation.
“Stay?” The word was rushed, needy. I wasn't positive she was even fully awake.
Brushing back her sleep-mussed hair, I tried to keep my expression neutral, tried not to let my concern show. “I’m only going to get you something to eat, love. I’ll be right back.”
She frowned, lowering her gaze. “I’m not hungry.”
I exhaled, shoulders slumping as she reached out to remove my hand from her hair.
She was so thin. I could see every bone protruding from her hand.
She'd barely eaten more than a few bites of anything since I'd brought her here.
One of the kitchen volunteers brought us three meals a day, but often took nearly a full meal back with her when she came to collect the plates.
Her frowns were getting more and more pronounced each time she saw Thea's untouched meal.
I cleared my throat. “Did no one at the castle bother to notice that you stopped eating?”
Her gaze flicked up at mine through a curtain of thick lashes, that darkness still trapped inside her gaze. “I guess at some point I lost my appetite.”
My swallow was audible. “Well, it’s time to get it back. What would you like? If we don’t have it, I’ll order someone to go get it.”
Her eyes sparked, hand rising to cover a yawn. The bones of her wrist still seemed somewhat misshapen, but she hadn't complained about it. “Isn’t that an abuse of your power as king?”
I met her grin with one of my own, pretending to think about it for a moment. “I’m fairly certain that lambs and cows are typical sacrifices to the Gods. It’s my duty to ensure my kingdom remains strong in its faith.”
She gave me a halfhearted chuckle, resting her head back against the pillows and tugging me back down beside her. Her touch lacked any real strength, but I followed where she led me and allowed her to tuck herself under my arm.
“Can we eat in a little bit?” she asked through another yawn. “I just want to stay here with you for a little longer before life resumes again.”
There wasn’t a Descendant alive with the power to stop time, but I would have bargained away my soul to freeze that moment if that’s what she wanted.
“We can do whatever you want,” I promised her, beginning to trace small circles along her shoulder.
“I know we can’t hide away for much longer. There’s so much to do.”
“Hush.” I pressed my lips to the top of her head. “We can take our time.”
“How long have we been in here?”
I felt her eyelashes flutter against my bare chest, the sensation a tickle that I welcomed. “A few days,” I told her evasively.
Five days, to be precise. Five days that she'd been asleep more than she'd been awake. Five days that I'd neglected checking in with the soldiers and missed meetings with my generals.
“I'm sorry,” she whispered, stiffening.
I brushed my fingers over her brow, smoothing away the worried lines. “Don't be. I don't regret a single second.”
She smiled against me, her head lifting and falling in a small nod as she hummed a word of thanks before sighing contentedly.
Sitting like this, pressed against one another, I could almost forget that any time had passed at all. I could almost pretend we were back in Hyrax Manor after I’d just told her I loved her and she’d welcomed me into her body for that first time.
That had been the happiest day of my life. And if I closed my eyes and breathed her in, I could almost pretend I was still living in that moment.
Almost.
“Theadora,” I couldn’t keep the burning shame from my cracking voice or hide the way my body shuddered under her. “I can never tell you how deeply sorry I am.”
She lifted her head, leveling me with a confused stare. “Clay—”
“I understand if you can never forgive me.”
“What would I need to forgive you for?”
I lifted myself into a seated position on the bed, unfolding her from me so that I could turn away. I wasn’t one to hide away from my failures, but this shame was so deep I couldn’t bear to have her see it. Not her.
Stubborn as she was, though, she followed me, tugging on my shoulder. “Don’t you dare turn away from me!”
“Thea, I left you there.” Admitting it out loud was agonizing. My voice trembled, a single tear already falling down my cheek. “I should never have left you there.”
Everything that happened to her, all of it, could have been avoided if I had fought back that night in the castle. If I'd stopped that wedding, if I'd fought for her the way she deserved then those nightmares wouldn't be plaguing her every time she closed her eyes.
This was my fault. My burden to carry.
“You didn’t have a choice!” she shouted, throwing away the blanket and rushing to her feet. “I didn’t give you one!”
She rounded the bed to stand before me, a wild look in her eyes as she shook her hands between us. The iron marriage bands glinted in the candlelight. Proof of my failure. My stomach turned looking at them, the memory of her wedding like a never-ending punch in the gut.
“I was the one who married him and stayed. I wanted you to leave, to get our friends out and protect our people. You did everything you were supposed to do!”
How could she even think that? How could she think that anything mattered more than her?
Once again, I averted my gaze from her. “I failed you. I know you may not feel that way now, but it’s okay if you start to once you heal. I’ll give you whatever space you need.”
Silence filled the space around us. An unending silence.
When the sound of shattering glass filled the room, I jolted to my feet, rushing towards her instinctively, only to slow when I realized the sound had come from her. She’d thrown the crystal decanter that had been on my desk clear across the room. Fragments of it now sparkled on the floor.
“You don’t get to say that to me,” she insisted, upper lip curled back defiantly.
Her eyes darkened as she gulped down a heaving breath.
“I have lost enough Clayton Vail. I have lost my friends, my home, my power.
I'm nothing anymore! You are the only thing in this realm that has yet to be taken from me and I refuse to lose you too! I refuse.”
Her pain was like another presence in the room, a third specter watching us. It was obvious in the set of her shoulders and the mist in her eyes. Her hands trembled at her sides, chest rising and falling as she took a shuddering breath.
I couldn't fix it. As desperately as I wanted to, I couldn't undo what she'd been forced to survive. I was helpless to do anything but stand there and ache for her.
And then, all at once, she moved.
She gripped my face in her hands, pulling my mouth to hers and kissing me with the passion of every day we had spent forced apart.
Her tongue parted my lips purposefully, diving into my mouth with rushed intensity.
The metal of the marriage bands dug into my cheeks, but I ignored the feeling as I gripped her waist and ripped her to me, holding her tightly as if that might keep her from ever being taken from me again.
She was the center of my world, anchoring me in the chaos that seemed all around.
“Have I not lost enough?” She asked when she broke away.
“Thea. Love, I—”
“I won’t lose you,” she interrupted breathlessly. “I won’t lose this. Not even to your own guilt.”
Gods, she shattered me.
My throat refused to swallow. It was all I could do to swipe my fingers across her face and brush away the tears that had fallen.
“I love you,” she whispered, the words of devotion a vow between us. “Feel that, Clay. Not shame or regret, or misguided guilt. Let my love be the only thing you feel right now.”
I wrapped a hand around the back of her neck, pulling her to rest my forehead against hers. Her scent was a calming balm over me. The sweetest smell in all the realms.
“Promise me,” she demanded, smacking a hand against my chest. “Promise me you will not blame yourself for the actions of other men.”
The words locked in my throat, my chest shuddering twice with emotion. Magic slithered up the back of my neck once more, scales rippling under the surface. It didn’t matter that she was here, now, in my grasp; all I could see was the fear in her eyes as she’d run towards me.
Blood dripping down her swollen face.
Dress torn and hanging off her.
She hit me again, this time hard enough to sting. “I mean it, Clayton! Promise me right now.”
Blue eyes burned into mine, and though she claimed her power was gone, I swore I felt a ripple of magic go shooting through the room, leaving the glass shards of the decanter vibrating on the floor.
“Alright.” I pressed my hand over hers, stilling it. “Alright, love. I hear you.”
“None of this matters if we’re not together." She sniffled loudly, the simple gesture shaking her entire body. “I need this. I need something to fight for, because without it I might…. I might give up.”
No. That was unacceptable.
“You will not give up, Theadora.” I held her close, fingers digging into her waist. “You cry, you scream, you rage, but you never, ever give up. If you need me, then you have me. I’m not going anywhere. No one is going to change that ever again. I will stand by your side, or I will die by it.”
She nodded, her tears staining my shirt, but I didn’t dare say another word. Her need for me far outweighed my own need to feel responsible for this. So, I held onto her for a long while, running a hand in circles on her back and muttering soothing words of adoration.