Chapter 44 #2
Our time settled into a bit of an odd routine as he recovered.
For the first few days he was far too weak to move around much, so I helped wash him down with the rag—he had hated that—and fed him some broth.
As his strength started to return, though, he sat up more on his own.
Then he stood. Then he managed to walk around some.
Horse-riding was still out of the question, though.
So instead, we spent our days talking, his head in my lap more often than not. Or we would read one of the many books that were lying around the tiny house.
It was all very domestic.
And we never, not once, mentioned the offer of a deal I had made, even though it seemed to hang in the air all around us.
Nikolai had lived.
And I had promised to marry him.
When the sun set on our seventh night, we lounged together in the living area. A fire crackled in the hearth, and I hung off the side of the armchair, feet dangling over the edge with a book held in front of me. I felt Nikolai’s eyes on me every so often but didn’t bother to meet his gaze.
Until he said, “We should return home tomorrow.”
His words hit me like a rush of cold water, leaving my chest constricting tightly.
I knew we needed to leave—knew that the world waited for us, and that this little peace we’d found in this tiny home had been fleeting but having that respite now taken away felt crushing. I folded my book and set it aside, lifting myself into a proper sitting position.
“You’re sure you feel up to it?”
Part of me hoped he would lie.
His eyes scanned over me, tracing me from head to toe, and I could tell something was weighing on him, something more than just disappointment about this all ending.
“Come sit with me?”
Frowning, I did as I was told, moving to his side and allowing him to take my hand in his. He ran his thumb over the skin of my knuckles, avoiding my gaze as he did. It left me with an icy feeling of apprehension.
“Iris, for a moment there, you thought I was going to die.”
Protests rose easily to my mouth, all while I forced away the image of him bleeding out in front of me and ignored the ringing sound of his screams which still haunted my nightmares. “I did not—”
He squeezed my fingers. “You did, bird. And it scared you.”
My jaw snapped shut, and I swallowed over the rising lump in my throat. “Of course it scared me.”
What kind of heartless fool wouldn’t have been frightened by what he’d gone through?
Nikolai sighed, giving a sad sort of smile that made me avert my gaze. Gently, he gripped my chin with his thumb and forefinger, forcing my attention back to him. “It scared you deeply, Iris. You showed the kind of fear that comes from a different sort of pain.”
Damn him.
Damn him and his never-ending perceptiveness.
I used to think I was the most observant person in the kingdom. I used to think that my days in the Order had trained me better than anyone to notice those little quirks and tells.
But Nikolai had always beaten me at that game. He had always seen me far more clearly than anyone else ever would.
I locked my trembling fingers together in my lap, trying to avoid the images of Lorelai that flashed in vivid procession in my mind. Still, I couldn’t avoid them all.
I couldn’t stop the images of her and the love that I had lost, or of Thea and the friendship I had abandoned.
There were other memories that floated in too.
Memories of the times Lorelai, Camilla, and I had all laughed together.
If I were honest, not all the pain that lingered inside my soul was just for Lorelai and Thea.
I hated Camilla for what she did, and yet I ached for the loss of someone who had been like a sister to me my entire life.
I grieved her as much as I grieved Lorelai.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Nikolai assured me. “But I felt inclined to remind you that you could.”
There was no hiding the way my lips trembled—not quite able to let out all the agony that had been festering inside me.
It was second nature to hide it all away.
Whether I was hiding behind gowns or hiding behind anger, I’d spent years shutting my true self away from everyone.
And it had worked because no one had ever even noticed.
Not until I met a man who seemed to recognize me no matter whose face I wore.
I stared at him, taking in each of his features and the deep sincerity in his gaze.
In the momentary quiet, I realized that she would have liked him a great deal. And that realization made it that much easier to let to story pour out of me.
“Her name was Lorelai.”
For a heartbeat, I expected to crack apart just by saying her name aloud.
But all I felt was relief.
A weight lifted off me the second I breathed life back into her name.
I shuddered against the feeling, and once the first sentence clawed its way out of me, the others followed easily.
The entire story poured effortlessly like water from a never-ending fountain.
From the moment I returned to the castle after leaving him, to the very second he found me again in those woods.
I opened myself to him in a way I had never revealed myself to anyone before.
And the more I spoke, the more my illusions fell.
I didn’t need them anymore.
I had never needed them with Nikolai. My magic breathed a sigh of relief as it relaxed in this place of safety that he had created for me. One by one, tiny pale scars began appearing across my skin. At first his attention flicked to them, but then he focused on my eyes once more.
The pad of his thumb brushed aside my tears, all while his other hand reached to take hold of mine. His gaze turned so intense that his eyes shone a brighter green than I’d ever seen them before—such a beautiful shade of green.
And finally, once the story had fully spilled out, once the pain of it all tore itself out of me and lingered in the space between us, I released one ultimate shudder of pure relief.
“That’s why I pushed you away,” I confessed to him, feeling oddly tired after telling him all my ugly truths. “I already lost you once. Then I lost her. It was easier to reject you at first than risk any more of that pain. I won’t lose you again.”
Nikolai watched me, brow furrowed in thought as he absently reached over to knead my tense shoulder.
But then, after a moment, he pulled away.
I looked at him, trying to figure out his thoughts by just the look in his eyes alone.
Waiting for his response was a new form of torture I hadn’t yet experienced.
When he averted his gaze from mine and swallowed tightly, the apple in his throat bobbing obviously, I felt every wall I’d torn down threaten to slam back into place.
Maybe I had been wrong.
Nikolai wasn’t the kind of person who could accept every part of me. Now that he truly knew me, he didn’t want me.
I set to work covering those tiny scars with my magic once more.
“Iris,” his voice wavered as he kept his gaze locked on the fire in the hearth. “I understand. I understand why you couldn’t allow yourself to be with me.”
He shifted away. It was a small movement, but it felt like an earthquake rattling through me.
“But you deserve to find that kind of joy again.” Nikolai shifted forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “You deserve to love and be loved. I want you to allow yourself that, even if it’s not with me.”
I froze, his words replaying in a loop in my head.
Even if it’s not with me.
I understand why you couldn’t allow yourself to be with me.
I want you to allow yourself that, even if it’s not with me.
My scars burst to life once more.
Reaching forward, I brushed his long hair back so that I could see his face, even as he kept it turned from me.
“After everything I’ve told you, after these past few weeks, you still think that I’m not willing to love you again?”
His jaw worked. His body was stiff under my touch. “It’s okay, bird. I understand your reasoning.”
A tiny sound escaped me, part scoff and part disbelieving laughter. He glanced over his shoulder at me, a frown on his face and pain in his eyes visible before he quickly turned away again.
“You don’t, though.” I shook my head at him. “You don’t understand at all.”
Without another word, I gently pushed on his shoulder, forcing him to lean back on the couch so that I could throw a leg over him and straddle him. Careful of his lingering injury, I held my weight as I took his face in my hands and forced him to meet my gaze.
His breath hitched under me, hands coming to rest gently on my hips, “Iris—”
“When I say I won’t lose you again, Nikolai, it’s not because I intend to turn you away.
I say it because if you intend to leave me, then I will follow you.
Even if that means following you to the Underworld.
I am going to allow myself to find joy again because you showed me I can. I can find that joy with you.”
Words tumbled out of my mouth. Simple phrases that felt like life-changing declarations.
I paused, needing to find my breath and courage.
“If you’ll have me.”
Neither of us moved. Neither of our chests rose nor fell. Neither of us looked away.
Until, with a quivering, sudden inhale, he said, “Fuck, little bird, of course I’ll have you.”
I wasted no time in bowing my head to meet his lips, needing him to not only hear the truth in my words but to feel them against his skin.
I wanted him to feel my touch, feel my heart pounding for him, feel my very soul calling out for his.
He parted for me instantly, hands rising from my hips to glide up my spine, pulling me closer to his warmth.
His tongue danced with mine, and it felt like being struck through by lightning, sending shivers racing down every nerve and lifting the hair along the back of my neck as I clung to him. My fingers tangled into his auburn hair, the silken strands sliding easily into my grasp.
He tasted like home. His kiss felt as familiar as it was intoxicating.