Chapter 18 #2
“Let’s just say, my family isn’t exactly close.
I don’t really talk to my mom, dad, or brother who still live back in Louisiana, where I’m from.
I didn’t have a terrible childhood or anything like that; it was more a case of being detached.
They didn’t come to my ice hockey games.
They weren’t interested in supporting much in my life.
They’d prefer to go out with friends or on vacations. ”
He drops his head, and I can tell whatever he’s about to admit is hurtful to him.
“My older brother is an asshole who got involved with some bad crowds, and my parents don’t make an effort for anyone but themselves.
When I moved out for college, they never really called me or asked how I was doing.
I guess you could say I’m just used to going it alone.
When Ezra was born, Sophie and I tried to rekindle a relationship with them so they could see him.
It didn’t work, and they let us and Ezra down multiple times.
That’s when I called it completely and said never again. ”
To my surprise and despite what he’s saying, Sawyer smiles. “Dom and Alyssa are more like the parents I didn’t really have. I guess I found my own family in them.”
I nod along, feeling and understanding all Sawyer’s saying. Perhaps we’re alike in more ways than I first thought—though our circumstances are different, we’re both without our blood parents.
I look out onto the lake, feeling a sense of hurt on his behalf. “I’m sorry your family wasn’t what you deserved. People can let you down when you need them the most.”
“Is that why you don’t kiss? Fear of growing attached and being let down?” he asks quietly.
The immediate need to shut down this conversation swells in my gut.
“I do kiss.”
His brows knit together, blue lighting cast across the lake glowing on his high cheekbones. “Just not me then.”
He hasn’t forgotten a moment of what we said or did that first night we hooked up, has he?
I pull in a breath. “I can’t sleep with you or kiss you, Sawyer. I …” I trail off, panic rising.
He edges closer on the bench. His hand sliding down the back until it’s only millimeters away from my shoulder.
Sawyer reaches up, cupping the side of my face in his palm. I know my cheek is cold, but it burns from his touch.
“Hand over a little of that control, Baby. You can trust me with it.”
Another inch closer, and I’ll be doing just that—kissing him.
“Aren’t you scared?” I ask. “You’ve lost people too. You could start falling for me, and then I could just up and leave.”
“Oh, Baby Girl.” He runs the callous pad of his thumb across my bottom lip, smiling knowingly at me. “For a girl who thinks she has it all worked out, you just don’t get it, do you?”
Even if I wanted to reply, I couldn’t.
Sawyer closes the remaining distance between us, whispering against my lips, “I already am.”
Just like I knew I would, I let him kiss me. Every single bone melting until I can’t be sure I’m upright.
His hand slides further along the bench until it leaves the wooden frame and wraps around my shoulder, pulling me into him.
This kiss is sweet with no tongues, a dance and test of each other’s limitations. Or maybe just mine. But I know what I want, even if a part of me screams to ignore it.
A whimper races up my throat, the appreciative sound urging him on. His smooth tongue lightly traces the seam of my lips, and I part for him like a goddamn river breaking its banks.
Sawyer smiles into the kiss, satisfied with how easy it was to have his way with me.
I pull away from him, chest heaving, blood pumping, tingles everywhere—especially between my thighs. “You see, this is exactly what I mean. Kissing you is dangerous.”
A soft laugh bubbles from him, and he ducks his head, kissing the underside of my jaw. “I want to do a lot more than just kiss you.”
I feel my thong grow damp. “You know we can’t do that.”
He kisses my jaw again. “For the same reasons you told me we couldn’t kiss?”
I feel my defenses fly up. I need to shut down this conversation before it ventures into unsafe territory like discussing the feelings I know I’m rapidly developing for this man. “No. Because last time was only above average.” I blurt out in a panic.
He looks hurt, and I hate that.
“I was more than a six, and you know it.”
Shaking my head, I shuffle a centimeter away from him. “No, that was the truth. It was … vanilla?”
Sawyer narrows his eyes. “You’re being totally serious, aren’t you?”
I nod once, despising my response. My hesitancy to sleep with him again isn’t centered around his abilities in bed, and I know it.
There’s only one way I’d let Sawyer take me back to bed, and that’s if feelings weren’t involved for him and Ezra wasn’t at risk of getting pulled into it.
The worst-case scenario would be him seeing us in a compromising position and wondering if I was his dad’s girlfriend after all. I could never do that to him or Sawyer.
Regardless of my nod, Sawyer looks determined, reaching out and twisting a lock of my hair around his finger. “Hypothetically speaking, if we slept together again, what would you want me to do?”
Oh Jesus.
The ache in my core borders on unbearable, and I bite my lip, trying to center myself.
“I guess, first, I’d like you to not fall any further for me. Sex, combined with emotions, makes things complicated.”
He visibly deflates, and I feel shitty for it.
“So, you only want a no-strings type of arrangement?”
“Yes. I think you’re hot as fuck, and I can show you what I like in bed. But for everyone’s sake, this can only be about sex. If you don’t think you can do that, then I get it.”
Sawyer’s eyes search mine—pain, frustration, annoyance, and then acceptance passing through them like a carousel.
“If it were only me, I would risk my feelings to be with you in any way you wanted. This isn’t just about me though, and I can’t only think of myself; I have to think of my son too.
He’s perceptive—maybe more than I’ve previously given him credit for—and I don’t want to sneak around behind his back.
If we were just fuck buddies, that’s what we’d have to do.
” Sawyer tucks the piece of hair he was playing with behind my ear.
He doesn’t look certain of his next words, an internal war taking place in his mind. “And I don’t think I can do that.”
I don’t reply because there isn’t anything else to say. He’s right. The cold facts are here, between us, swirling in the freezing Brooklyn night sky.
This is the right decision.
This is for the best. For me, for Sawyer, and especially for Ezra.
I’m not mom material; I can barely hold down a job, for Christ’s sake.
My time in New York was slowly coming to an end anyway, and this way, no one gets hurt.
So, why does it already feel like I am?