Chapter 13 #3
“Emi, Kalani, and I used to hang out just the three of us all the time. But then Kalani started dating Emmett and bringing him along, and Emi started dating Daphne and bringing her along. I’m happy that they’re happy, and obviously I love having them around, but it seems like my best friends are kind of growing up and moving on and forgetting about me.
Especially now that we’re getting closer to graduating and heading off to university, it feels like they don’t really care to spend quality time together.
I feel stupid saying it, but sometimes it’s like they just want to hang out as couples and only invite me along because they feel bad not doing it or want me to play moderator between their bickering. ”
Jay is uncharacteristically serious as my words sink in. “I don’t think that’s true.”
I feel like shrinking into myself. “If it wasn’t, then why can’t we ever hang out just the three of us?
Why are they pushing so damn hard for me to find someone?
I’m perfectly fine alone. I don’t need a boyfriend, but they’re making it seem like I need someone, and it’s just so I don’t fifth wheel them anymore, so I have a date for stupid prom and don’t throw off their numbers. ”
Jay purses his lips in thought. I feel awkward and vulnerable as his eyes bore into mine. “If your friends didn’t want you around, wouldn’t they just stop inviting you out?”
It’s a valid point, but we’re drifting apart.
They don’t wake up and think I hate Carina, it’s more that they’re waking up with other things on their minds and at the very bottom of that list is me.
While I don’t want or need to be at the top of their priority list, or even in the top ten or twenty, I don’t want to be left out.
I don’t want them to open their yearbooks in two, five, ten years and come across my photo and go Oh hey, I knew that girl.
“It’s not on purpose,” I tell Jay, ignoring the sting in my eyes. “It’s more like, ‘Hey, it’s couples’ night at this restaurant, let’s go. Oh wait, there’s Carina. I guess she can come or whatever.’ I’m being dramatic, but that’s the gist of it.”
Jay nods slowly. “So you think finding a guy will even out the numbers for couples’ night?”
“No. I don’t care about finding a boyfriend. The only positive side of dating is maybe I’ll find someone I like more than Emmett.”
Jay’s eyes light up before he masks it. “So you do like Emmett?”
I let out a long breath. Of course he’s enjoying being right, but I’m in too deep now to backpedal.
I’ve already bared my heart to Jay, I might as well keep going.
“Yes, okay? Yes, I’ve been in love with Emmett since we met almost four years ago, but he’s dating my best friend.
It makes me a terrible person to still feel this way, so if I happen to be set up with someone who I like, then it’s for the best. A large part of the reason I even agreed to these stupid dates in the first place is because Kalani was suspicious about my feelings for Emmett. ”
“You’re not a terrible person,” Jay admits, and the sincerity in his voice catches me off guard. “You can’t help who you love, and it’s not like you’re actively trying to break them up so you can have him to yourself.”
“Yeah, but staring at him and daydreaming about him all day isn’t right either.”
Jay grabs my arm and moves me out of the way of a couple who were trying to get a look at the sad triangle painting. I follow him into the next room where there are seating areas in front of large canvases on each wall of the room. I don’t resist when he pulls me onto the bench beside him.
“You obviously don’t want my advice, but you should just tell them how you feel.
About how you’re worried you’re drifting apart and that you don’t want to go on those dumb dates anymore.
What’s the worst that can happen? At least they’ll get what’s going on with you, and it’ll make you feel better getting it off your chest.”
My pout prompts him to continue. “Didn’t you feel good getting that stuff off your chest when you yelled at Chad?”
The memories from earlier in the night come back to me, and I bite back a smile. “A little . . . okay, a lot. I wish I said more.”
“See! Getting shit off your chest is great. It’ll be a relief once you tell Emi and Kalani what’s going on and don’t have to go on shitty dates with shittier guys.”
I stop fighting my smile. “You were one of those shitty guys.”
Jay’s smile mirrors mine. “And it was a shitty date.”
He’s right, it was a shitty date, but since then I’ve come to find he’s not a terrible guy.
Maybe he’s right about being honest too.
I should tell my friends how I feel. Kalani and I have been best friends forever, and we’ve been inseparable with Emi since grade nine. They’ll understand . . . right?
“It’s easy to be honest and face confrontation with people who don’t matter.
But it’s different when it’s with my friends or about something important.
I can yell at Chad the bill-skipping drug dealer because I don’t care about him.
I could smush ice cream all over the jerk in the bakery”—I’m talking about Jay and he knows it—“because at the time, you were just some asshole who tried to throw me off a cliff. But when it comes to the important stuff like breaking Arthur’s heart by telling him I don’t want to date him or telling my friends they’re making me feel abandoned, I just can’t do it. ”
Jay’s thoughtful for a moment. “Am I still just some asshole that tried to throw you off a cliff?”
“Well, you did do that.”
He can’t seem to stop himself from adding, “We were like five feet from the edge, and I was never going to actually throw you. But regardless, am I still that asshole?”
I think about it, and even though I want to say yes, I can’t. Jay makes me laugh. Jay is always there for me. Jay listens to me. Jay brought me to this art exhibit when no one else would.
I shake my head. “I think you’re . . . my friend.”
Jay smiles like the revelation amuses him before growing serious.
“Then that means it’ll be harder for you to have an honest conversation about real feelings.
That’s what you struggle with, right?” As always, Jay reads me too well and clearly has me all figured out.
“So do me. You just need practice getting stuff off your chest.”
I do a double take. “What?”
“Do me. Whatever you think about me that comes to your head, or stuff about me that bothers you. Tell me. Get it off your chest.”
I shake my head. Tell him what I think of him, no holds barred? I’m not sure I’d even know where to start. “I don’t know, Jay. I’ve thought some not nice things about you, and I’d hate for his newfound friendship to end right now in flames.”
He shifts to fully face me on the bench. “Come on. Let me have it, Princess. I can handle it.”
“I don’t know . . .”
“Okay. I’ll go first.”
My stomach dips. “Um . . . I’m not sure that’s a good—”
“When we first met, I thought you were a stuck-up private schooler who thought she was too good for everyone and was too concerned with her image to let loose and have a little fun. I thought you were a snob who didn’t know the how to say ‘thank you,’ and sometimes I still wonder if you have issues with those words. ”
“Wow. Tell me how you really feel,” I mutter.
He shakes his head, an unamused laugh escaping. “I thought you were so damn pretty it hurt, because you took one look at me and sneered like the thought of being with me was laughable, like my touch was offensive, like you’d never deign to be seen with me.”
My breath catches in my throat. “Jay . . .” I don’t even know where to start. “It wasn’t like that.”
His dark eyes pierce right through me, stopping me from saying more. “Your turn,” he says, leaning back a bit, which lets me breathe easier. “Tell me what you thought of me when you first met me. Be honest.”
I’m not sure I can even do that after what he said, but I force myself to focus, to think back to that day on the cliff and our failure of a date.
“I thought you were a jerk. A hot jerk, but a jerk nonetheless. You took one look at me and told me I didn’t belong there, that I wasn’t good enough for you and your friends, that I wasn’t even good enough for my own friends.
You threatened to throw me off a cliff to make a point, you’ve gone out of your way to be a giant asshole ever since, and you know exactly how to piss me off.
I hate how you read me so easily. I hate that you know exactly what gets under my skin. ”
He nods, not offended in the slightest. “And now?”
“Now what?”
“How do you feel about me now?”
“Am I supposed to say I don’t think you’re an asshole anymore? Because I totally do.”
He gives a surprised laugh, and any tension that might’ve been in the air is broken.
“Well, I did just pay two hundred eighty-two dollars and fifty-nine cents, plus tip, for a nice steak dinner for you and your sunglasses-wearing, drug-dealing, bill-skipping boyfriend.”
I nudge him with my shoulder though I can’t stop from laughing. “He’s not my boyfriend! And fine. I’ll give you that; that was totally a non-asshole move.”
“Good,” he says. “So tell me. What do you think about me now? Other than the fact that I’m an asshole.”
What do I think about Jay? Sometimes it feels like I can’t decide.