Chapter 10
10
7:14 a.m. Friday, November 1
N ick woke fully hard from a dream about Riley in that red dress. He could hear the rain as it pattered against the windows. With his eyes still closed, he snuggled closer to Riley, relishing the feel of her warm body against his.
“Mmmph,” she said.
“Morning, beautiful.” He pressed his lips to her nape.
“We need to find jobs that let us sleep more,” she grumbled into her pillow.
“What if I find a creative way to wake you?” He’d already run through sixteen morning sex scenarios in his mind and had narrowed it down to five.
“Be my guest,” she said, burrowing deeper into the pillow.
“Challenge accepted.” Nick rolled her over.
She was grinning up at him, and he was feeling like the king of fucking Harrisburg when their doorknob rattled.
“This the bathroom?” Mr. Willicott called.
“Go the hell away, Willicott!” Nick yelled.
But Riley was already sliding for the edge of the bed. “How did he get upstairs? We don’t have a lift chair.” She reached for a robe.
“He’s a grown man. He’ll figure it out,” Nick said, patting the mattress. “Stay here with me so I can debauch you.”
She looked up at him as she stuffed her feet into slippers. “A man with mobility issues and what is probably some kind of dementia thinks this is the bathroom. I do not want to clean that up.”
On a few colorful four-letter words, Nick vaulted out of bed, yanked on a pair of sweats, and flung the door open.
Mr. Willicott was wearing Riley’s missing pink gym shorts and a flannel pajama top.
“In there,” Nick said, pointing at the connecting bathroom. “But don’t make this a habit. Your bathroom is downstairs.”
“Not my fault the cheesesteak is fighting its way out.” Mr. Willicott tucked a magazine under his arm and marched into the bathroom.
“Oh God,” Riley groaned.
“We’re not sticking around for this.” Nick grabbed his slippers and a sweatshirt.
“Whatever’s happening downstairs can’t be worse than this,” she agreed.
They hit the stairs, and Nick was relieved to discover no new disasters or messes in the foyer. Breakfast smells wafted through the house, and the sounds of companionable conversation came from the kitchen.
Burt bounded into the foyer, his paws slapping at the marble. He gave a cheerful bark and danced in a circle at the foot of the stairs.
“Hi, handsome,” Riley greeted the dog. “Did you have a sleepover?”
Nick gave Burt a thump on the side. Orange dust puffed out of his fur and into the air. “What the?—”
The dog had orange handprints down his back. His snoot and jowls were also covered in a fine orange dust.
“We should have moved far, far away,” Nick lamented.
Burt, sensing someone was about to be in trouble, made a mad dash for the kitchen. They followed him through the swinging door.
“What did you do to my dog?” Riley demanded.
“Good morning, lovebirds! I made you heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast,” Lily announced from the stove.
“It’s just a little cheese doodle dust,” Mrs. Penny said, pulling her head out of the sink. Fred’s torso and legs stuck out of the cabinet beneath. “Me and Burt stayed up late snacking and gaming.”
“What’s the number one rule about Burt?” Riley said.
“Get out of his way when he’s excited or he might break our hips?” Lily offered.
“Avoid his tail because it leaves whiplashes?” Fred suggested.
“Don’t feed him people food,” Riley reminded them.
“Fred, what are you doing to my sink?” Nick asked.
The elderly man slid out of the cabinet. He was holding a wrench and wearing a Phish T-shirt and track pants. “Just helping out. Mrs. Penny dumped an entire box of denture cleaning tablets down the garbage disposal.”
“Why would you do that, Penny?”
“To see if the fizzing would dislodge the strip of condoms that fell down there first.”
“How…? Why…?” It didn’t really matter. These people who had invaded his home were capable of anything. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”
Riley retrieved a damp dish towel from the counter and hid it behind her back as she sauntered casually in Burt’s direction.
“So what’s on the PI agenda today? We dragging in a few suspects and interrogating them?” Mrs. Penny asked. “I packed my ski masks, just in case.”
A bolt of inspirational lightning struck Nick. “You can’t interrogate suspects today. You’ll be too busy going undercover.”
The old woman perked up. “I will?”
“Yeah, Penny. Whoever is after Griffin is going to catch on fast that he’s got security, especially with Josie lurking around playing with her knife collection. I need you to go undercover as his grandma. Don’t leave his side all day.”
The plan he thought of ten seconds ago was sounding better and better. Griffin was going to be laid up from last night’s injuries. Mrs. Penny could babysit him from the couch. Meanwhile, he and Riley could start digging into actual suspects.
Mrs. Penny rubbed her hands together. “Oh boy. Do I get to carry a gun?”
He thought fast. “You need to sell this grandma thing. The only weapons you can take are knitting needles.”
“No problemo! I can still do a lot of damage with those,” she said cheerfully.
“Who wants a nice pancake?” Riley crooned, dangling one in front of Burt’s suspicious face. “Just come a little closer, and you can have this.”
“I thought you said no people food,” Lily said.
“I’m just trying to get him to come close enough that I can wipe off all the cheese doodle dust before he goes and rolls on someone’s bed.”
Several loud whacks rang out from under the sink, and a geyser of water erupted. The noise startled Burt, who backed into a chair, knocking it over.
Riley dove for him as he streaked past. Lily squealed as dog and human barreled by. The plate of pancakes went flying.
“Fred!” Nick yelled.
The soggy senior slopped his way out from under the sink.
“Yeah?” he gurgled.
“Turn off the fucking water!”
Burt was distracted by the screaming and the flying breakfast food. Riley used it to her advantage and tackled him to the floor. But not before he hoovered up three of the pancakes.
The door swung open.
“Good morning,” Gabe said. His dark skin glistened with a coating of sweat. “May I be of some assistance?”
“You.” Nick pointed at Fred.
They were lined up in the living room in their soggy clothes. All except for Willicott, who had missed out on the chaos because he’d been too busy clogging the toilet upstairs.
Fred pointed to himself. “Me?”
Nick ripped a piece of paper off the top of the notepad and slapped it to the muscly senior’s chest. “This is your honey-do list for the day. You’re in charge of mopping up the kitchen, calling my plumber cousin, and reminding him he owes me big. Then you’re boarding up the broken windows from the party and Mrs. Penny’s breaking and entering. You will use plywood, a hammer, and nails. No power tools.”
Fred saluted. “Aye, aye, captain!”
Nick moved down the line and handed Lily her own sheet of paper. “You are going to call these three contractors about your roof and ask for a quote and a timeline. Hire the one with the shortest timeline. I don’t care if they replace your roof with thatched grass and bee colonies. Get it done.”
She hugged the list to her chest. “I just love it when you play drill sergeant.”
Nick stopped in front of Mr. Willicott and handed the man a roll of dog doody baggies. “Since you’re so well versed in bowel movements, you are going to walk Burt until every single cheese doodle has been evacuated.” He looked down at Burt. The dog’s tail swished back and forth across the floor with vigor. “And you are going to make sure he finds his way back.”
Mrs. Penny was next in line.
“You already have your assignment. Riley and I will drive you over to Gentry’s. Don’t blow it. Don’t let him out of your sight. If anyone suspicious shows up, I wanna know. If he talks to someone on the phone, I want you eavesdropping.”
“Penny PI is on the case,” she squawked.
Gabe was next. “Okay, you muscly walrus in a muscle tank, you are in charge of everyone when Riley and I aren’t here. You will keep everyone alive and intact and will prevent all future plumbing and construction disasters until we get back. This is not a job for the faint of heart.”
Gabe nodded gravely. “I understand, and I will not let you down.”
Nick moved to Riley. “Thorn. You’re with me.”
Assignments delivered, everyone sloshed and squished their way out of the room. Riley followed Nick into his office. He kicked off his slippers and wrung them out over the trash can.
“Are you sure it’s a good idea to let Mrs. Penny be Griffin’s personal security?”
“Nope. But it’ll annoy Gentry, and she’s batty enough to scare off most people with any sense of self-preservation. Plus, with someone else babysitting him, Josie can help Brian whittle down the phone book of suspects we’re looking at.”
“Do they still make phone books?” she wondered.
“Are you calling me old?”
“Well, you did just have a birthday.”
He caught the tie of her robe and used it to reel her in. “You know, this is not how I planned to start our morning.”
“I believe I caught your drift before we were interrupted.”
“Maybe after we interview BlaBla Nosewhine, we can find a quiet place for some midmorning delight.”
She smirked. “Do you mean Bella Goodshine?”
A door slammed somewhere on the second floor, voices rose as a squabble broke out, and Burt barked excitedly.
Nick groaned and lowered his forehead to Riley’s. “We need a secret sex room. With a fridge and a TV and a very good lock.”
“Hi! I’m Bella Goodshine!”
Riley jolted and looked at the TV, only to discover that Nick’s office TV was tuned in to Channel 50’s morning show.
“Everything is looking a little bit dampy wampy out here today in Central PA.” Bella pouted prettily for the camera under a sunny yellow umbrella that somehow made her skin look even more luminous. She was in the backyard. The Griffin statue was fuzzed out behind her for the broadcast. “Watch out for those puddles! Now, back to my handsome soon-to-be hubby!”
She blew a kiss to the camera, and the show cut back to Griffin in their living room studio, catching the kiss and putting it in his pocket. The bruises on his face had been hidden under a thick layer of spackle.
“Thank you, Bella. I will now bravely continue the show despite my grave injuries.”
“I’d like to dig a grave and injure him,” Nick muttered at the TV.