Chapter 32
32
10:08 p.m. Sunday, November 3
“ H ello, Riley. So nice of you to move your family tree of progressively weirder guests into my home without giving me a choice,” Dr. Marie Santiago said coolly when she opened the front door of her home.
Riley didn’t think it would go over well if she pointed out that she wasn’t actually related to any of them.
“What’s the matter, Ma? Wasn’t your trophy big enough tonight?” Nick asked, pressing a perfunctory kiss to his mother’s cheek as he walked past her into the house.
“It wasn’t a trophy, Nicholas. It was a crystal award.”
“You did say it was kinda small,” Nick’s dad, Miguel, piped up from behind Marie’s shoulder.
Marie sent her husband a withering look that he seemed completely immune to. “I’m not someone fazed by the size of my award?—”
“Yes, you are,” Nick and Miguel said together.
“What does bother me is the half dozen protesters chanting nonsense at the attendees from outside and then coming home to discover my son told a battalion of strangers where we keep the spare key and invited them to move in with us.”
“You had already said yes to Gentry. I figured what’s a couple more bodies? Besides, it’s just for one night. Four tops,” Nick called over his shoulder as he dragged Riley inside.
“Oh God,” Riley muttered. She didn’t think she could survive one night under this roof, let alone four. She’d have to take matters into her own hands and murder Griffin herself just so it would all be over.
“Hello, Gabriel. It’s nice to see you without your accusatory bed linens,” Marie said crisply.
Gabe either didn’t get the sarcasm or had graduated to the level of pretending not to get the sarcasm. “Thank you for inviting me into your home, Dr. Santiago,” he said, taking her hand in both of his. “It is lovely to see you outside the yoga studio.”
Riley decided she needed to take a page out of Gabe’s book and become immune to Marie’s caustic wit.
“What’d he say?” Miguel demanded in a half shout.
“Ugh. I can’t even with you right now, Miguel,” Marie said. “And you!” She turned back to Nick.
“What did I do?” he asked, feigning innocence.
“Why couldn’t you date Claireabell Stewart’s daughter. She’s an ophthalmologist. I have her number, and unlike some others , I doubt that she would ever need to use your parents’ home as a safe house ,” Marie screeched, looking directly at Riley.
Riley pointed at herself. “Me?”
“First of all, Ma, Claireabell Stewart’s daughter isn’t an ophthalmologist anymore. I served her the papers in the lawsuit that took away her license for trying to make meth in her practice’s break room.”
“An ex-doctor is still better than a current psychic.”
“Second,” Nick continued, ignoring his mother, “I’m in love with Riley Freaking Thorn, and if you can’t deal with that, you and me are going to have a big problem.”
“Remember when your parents didn’t want you dating me, Marie?” Miguel said, wading into the conversation again.
“That was entirely different. My parents were uptight snobs who were more concerned about appearances than their child’s happiness.”
Nick looked at Riley and gave her a palms-up shrug. “I mean, she opened the door. I can’t not walk through it.”
“You really can. I believe in you,” Riley insisted. Her head hurt and not just from her heroic head wound.
“Quick question, Ma. Are your parents the pot or the kettle in that scenario?” Nick asked his mother.
“Excuse me,” a familiar voice piped up. “Can someone get me a sparkling water, a refrigerated eye mask, and an aloe plant? I prefer my aloe straight from the source.”
“I wish I had a foam pit to vomit in,” Riley said as a silk-pajamaed Griffin came into view.
“And I sleep better with the temperature set to sixty-five degrees. That’s American, not Canadian degrees,” Bella said, appearing next to him. She was wearing a pale purple negligee with fur at the bodice and hem and holding her dog…which had on a matching outfit.
“Are those real rabbit tails?” Nick wondered out loud.
Marie’s demeanor underwent an abrupt change. “Of course, Griffin. Right this way. I keep an aloe plant in my home office.”
“I’m Bella,” Bella said, curtsying in her nightgown.
“Yes, dear. I know. I’m Dr. Santiago. We met an hour ago and then again when I showed you to your room.”
“Oh, silly me! I thought that was the housekeeper.”
Marie paused to study the lingerie-clad weather girl. “You’re not by chance getting Oblituspan injections, are you?”
Bella blinked. “I don’t remember.”
Marie slipped her arms through Griffin’s and Bella’s. “Let’s go get that aloe and take a peek at your prescriptions.”
“I don’t suppose you provide dermal filler injections in bed for special VIP guests, do you?” Griffin asked as they headed down the hall.
“I’m a chemical engineer and executive, so no,” Marie said.
“Your mother gave them the guest room and forbade me from giving you the second guest room. She made me take the mattress off the frame and put it in the garage,” Miguel told them. “So you two have to sleep in the basement.”
“That sounds about right,” Nick said. “We’ll be back up for booze and snacks, Dad.”
“The blintzes will be ready in ten minutes. Don’t tell your mother,” Miguel said loud enough that most of the neighborhood knew about the blintzes.
Nick led Riley and Gabe to the basement door and ushered them through.
“Nick?”
“Riley.”
“Why are we here?” she hissed as they descended the carpeted stairs.
“Because someone out there is still trying to whack Gentry.”
“Someone has been trying to whack him for days. Why do we have to sleep in your parents’ basement?”
“Because that human bucket of hair products made sure the entire viewing area knows we’re investigating, which officially makes us targets too. If our new LGBTQ-plus friends found us that easily tonight, imagine how fast another professional killer will do the same.”
Riley came to an abrupt stop on the last step. Nick barreled into her, almost knocking her down, but Riley barely noticed.
The Santiagos’ basement lounge was buried under elderly people in sleeping bags.
“Welcome to the sleepover,” Fred said, adjusting his bedtime toupee, which was attached to a striped night cap. He was stretched out at the foot of the fold-out couch.
“This is stupid, and I hate it,” Josie said, arms crossed on the couch.
Mrs. Penny, in an extra-large Ludacris T-shirt and plaid pajama pants, was wedged between Josie and Brian with headphones on and a game controller in her hand. She and Brian appeared to be battling against snot-slinging trolls on screen.
Lily popped up into a seated position from her Hello Kitty sleeping bag on an air mattress near the patio doors. She had curlers in her hair, and this time it was a blue mask on her face. “I saved you a spot right next to me, Nick,” she said with a wink.
“I am delighted to be part of this sleepover,” Gabe announced.
“We sewed two sleeping bags together for you. But we couldn’t find your jammies, so I guess you’ll just have to sleep au naturel,” Lily said to him, batting her eyelashes coquettishly.
“I’m going to sleep in the car,” Riley decided. But Nick’s hand on her shoulder held her in place.
“Sorry, Thorn. No one goes out by themselves.”
“I’ll sleep with your girlfriend in a car far away from here,” Josie volunteered.
“Can it, Chan. We’re sticking together…and taking shifts upstairs to make sure no one breaks in and finishes the job on Griffin,” Nick added. “My mother will kill me if henchmen get blood on the carpet.”
Riley covered her face with her hands. “This is the worst night ever.”
He pulled her in for a hug. “Look at it this way. It’s either this or air mattresses in your parents’ backyard.”
“Yes. I’d rather do that. I don’t even need an air mattress. I’ll sleep on the cold, damp, chicken-infested ground.”
“Come on, baby. How bad could it be?”
“Oh my God. Seriously ? Was that an air mattress or another fart?” Nick demanded, punching his pillow into submission.
“Does it even matter at this point?” Riley asked wearily through the blanket she had pulled up over her nose and mouth.
It was four in the morning. Josie had just relieved Nick in the guarding of Griffin’s bedroom door, and Riley hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep yet.
The only basement resident who seemed to be sleeping soundly was Burt. The dog had wriggled his way up between Nick and Riley, turning himself into a canine wedge. His cold wet nose was nuzzled against Riley’s chin.
“Just try to get some sleep,” she told Nick. “You’re grumpier than usual on no sleep.”
“I’m never grumpy. I’m a fucking ray of goddamn sunshine.”
The door at the top of the stairs opened, and she heard the scamper of feet. Griffin appeared, hugging a pillow to his chest.
“Can I sleep with you guys?” he asked. “Bella snores.”
“You’ve got to be shitting me,” Nick groaned into his own pillow.
Mr. Willicott popped up from his air mattress. “Someone say waffles ?”
“No one said waffles !”
“Stop yelling, Nick,” Riley yelled.
Fred sat up. His toupee was askew across his forehead and one eye. “What’s all the ruckus? Did the murderer get in yet?”
“No. But I might decide to do them a solid and finish the job myself,” Nick said.
“How did you get past Josie?” Riley asked her ex-husband.
“She was in the kitchen eating peanut butter and growling like a bear,” Griffin explained. Apparently tired of waiting for an invitation, he stepped on Riley, Burt, Nick, and Mr. Willicott to get to the couch. “This is nice,” Griffin said, settling himself under the covers next to Brian, who had worn his gamer headphones to bed.
The basement went silent again. Nick punched his pillow again. Burt grumbled happily in his sleep.
“My night nanny used to sing lullabies to me. Do any of you know any Polish lullabies?”
“That’s. It.” Nick sprang to his feet.
Ferp went the air mattress .
“Oh my. Did someone stinker?” Lily asked with a giggle.
“It was the air mattress ,” Nick barked.
Burt woke and added his own half-hearted bark to the conversation directly into Riley’s ear.
“Would you people please keep it down? My pregnant wife is trying to—” Brian ripped off his headphones and eye mask, then screamed.
“Hi, bed buddy,” Griffin said, wiggling his fingers in a friendly wave.
“Where’s my wife, and why am I in bed with a man?” Brian asked.
“She’s upstairs foraging through my parents’ pantry, and don’t act like this is the first time you woke up next to a dude.”
“It’s the first time since college,” Brian insisted.
The patio door slid open, and everyone screamed. Nick pulled his gun out from under his pillow and pointed it.
“What’s all the racket?” Mrs. Penny strolled inside from the lower patio. She held two pizza boxes and a greasy paper bag.
“Where the hell were you?” Nick demanded. “What part of ‘Nobody leaves this house’ didn’t you understand?”
“Relax, Screamy McYelly Guy. I ordered DoorDash and met them in the driveway. I didn’t see any murderers.”
“Someone say waffles ?” Mr. Willicott asked again.
“No, but I got two heartburn-lover pizzas and twenty-two jalape?o poppers,” Mrs. Penny said.
“Brian,” Nick said through clenched teeth.
“Yeah?” Brian yawned.
“I need you to get in your chair and get ready to go.”
“Go where? Those poppers sound pretty good.”
“We’re gonna catch a murderer.”
“You can’t leave me here,” Riley said, following Nick outside into the dark as he wheeled Brian onto the basement patio. Burt jogged off to the closest flower bed and relieved himself on a bush.
“Relax. No one is going to try to murder Griffin at my parents’ house. And if they do, Josie will murder them first,” Nick insisted.
“No. Not that. You can’t leave me here with your parents. Specifically your mother.”
He turned around in the dark and cupped her face. “You’ve been chased. You’ve been shot. You’ve been abducted. You almost drowned in a fountain and got blown up in a news studio. You can handle my mother.”
She was already shaking her head. “See, that’s where you’re wrong. I can’t handle your mother. She reminds me of my grandmother, only my grandmother has to love me. Your mother is still trying to set you up with other women in front of me .”
“And I am trusting you to deal with her in whatever capacity you want while I go catch a murderer so we can get some fucking sleep in our own house.”
“But why can’t I go with you? You know I hate missing out on cool PI stuff.” Riley kicked at the patio tile with her socked foot.
“Because you are the smartest, most reasonable, most responsible adult in this entire house. And I need you to make sure that Griffin and Bella and all the other pains in my ass stay on lockdown until I tell you it’s safe.”
She’d been wanting more responsibility, but she definitely hadn’t anticipated it involving more quality time with Marie Santiago.
“You’d tell me if you were just avoiding everyone inside this house by pretending to track down a killer, right?” she asked.
“One hundred percent. And for the sake of honesty, that’s exactly what I would be doing if I didn’t actually have a plan.”
“It would be nice if you’d let me in on this plan of yours.”
“It’s more like a hunch than a plan. But if it pays off, you’re going to be so impressed with me, you’ll institute Naked Tuesdays.”
The man was confident. She’d give him that.
“I need you to say, ‘Yes, Nick,’” he insisted.
“Fine. Yes, Nick. I won’t let anyone leave, and I’ll try not to let them maim or kill each other,” she said.
“That’s my girl.” He grabbed her by the front of her shirt and yanked her in for a hard kiss before pulling back. “I promise you by tonight, everything will be good.”
“Tonight? That’s more than twelve hours from now!”
But Nick was already pushing Brian through the yard and around the side of the house. “Naked Tuesdays, Thorn!”
“Tell my wife I was kidnapped by my cousin,” Brian called over his shoulder.