34 #2
“Agreed! You’re so much cooler!” Tiger blurts, rushing forwards before his feet falter again.
I can tell he’s really struggling here, just wanting to cheer her up, but his distress and sense of helplessness swirl chaotically through the bond to meet me in Ezla’s side of it.
He’s been trying to keep himself under wraps, and I can tell he’s feeling stupid for the jokiness he just tried for.
Ezla doesn’t even look at him when her head lifts. She only stares blanky at the wall before her and her reflection in the glossy black taalk.
That pain spreads, and I glance at my brother, feeling helpless myself as his face falls further.
Ezla murmurs, “And yet he taught me everything I know. He shaped me. I know . . .”
“No, Ezla.” I shake my head firmly. “He didn’t succeed; you didn’t fall for his tricks. He didn’t manage to mould you in the exact way he wanted, and you recognised that his ‘love’ didn’t feel right, even if you didn’t understand that love is meant to feel good—”
“Does mine?”
Everything stills.
I open my mouth to ask her to clarify, heart starting to pick up its pace, but she asks tonelessly, vanquishing the need, “Does my love feel good?”
I don’t think anyone’s breathing.
“It does not for me. Not always. Is it supposed to hurt?”
Larynx refusing to work, I still can’t do more than stare.
“It is so . . . so painful. I have . . . I have been . . . happy, I think.” Someone finally manages to get a sharp breath in at that, but I can’t take my eyes from my Bonded to figure out who.
“But along with that has come unbearable pain. I do not want to feel that.” She pauses before continuing, “And then there is the way you are constantly hurting, too, recently . . . like right now. My love is causing you pain. I love— I love you, and it is destroying you, just as my father has destroyed me—”
“Joseph. And no.” Cooper is the first to find his voice once more, and there’s too much emotion in it, too many to identify, but a mess of pain, joy, and love take the lead.
“No, it’s not destroying us. To love someone is to bring yourself pain, Ezla—I’ve learned that with you.
” Her expression shutters, but he continues, guiding her face his way as he shifts her in his arms, “But I’ve also never felt happier.
You are not destroying us. It only makes sense that the more you care about someone, the happier you are with them, the higher your highs with that person are, the more you’ll hurt when they’re in pain.
And you’re in a lot of goddamn pain, Vengeance.
” Those last words are slightly choked. “But we can get through that with you.”
He pauses to drag in a shaky breath. “The pain seems much more prominent now because there’s so much fucking crap going down, but we’re almost there.
We’re almost out. And you . . .” Tears spill down his cheeks, but they’re happy ones this time, ones of sheer relief and overpowering love, and I can tell he really doesn’t give a shit about the vulnerability he has on full display right now.
“You love us. That makes me goddamn happy, Vengeance. That’s the best news I’ve heard in my life.
Can you feel that?” He presses their foreheads together, one hand moving to cup the back of Ezla’s neck, while the other takes hers and presses her palm to his bare chest, over his heart.
“Can you feel how bloody good that makes me feel? Does that feel bad to you? Does that feel like you’re destroying me? ”
Swallowing, Ezla’s mismatched eyes move slowly up from her hand over his heart to his face. “No. It does not,” she admits quietly.
“See?” Lines crease Cooper’s face as he smiles a wide smile that I’ve never seen on him before. “That’s how you make me feel. That’s why I love you.”
“But why would you want to feel the pain that comes with it?” Ezla’s brows scrunch in genuine confusion.
“No one wants to feel pain, Love,” I say softly, and her eyes shift to me. “Like Cooper said, it’s unavoidable. But all the good that comes with it is worth it, and you have to realise that you are not a sickness. We want you because you’re everything, Ezla. You’re everything we want.”
“I . . .
“And that’s why it’s different compared to Joseph!
” Tiger rushes out, but he doesn’t move closer this time, still unsure what to do with himself.
“It— You don’t feel good with him at all, right?
But—but you said you feel good with us. And—and you told me you like me happy!
But he— Joseph doesn’t care about that with you!
This is—this is the good kind of love! You don’t have his twisted feelings.
When I feel what you feel for us through the bond, I feel .
. . I feel amazing. It feels amazing! Nothing about it feels wrong! ”
Smiling gently, I add, “And you can feel all of us in return. You know we mean what we’re saying.
We’re all having a hard time with things lately, but it’s always to do with you leaving us.
Do you get that? The pain isn’t from you being here, but from the idea of you not.
First, you having to return to Joseph, then him taking you from us.
And then there was the Game . . .” My throat thickens painfully at the memory of Air Battles like always.
“And just now . . .” My head shakes, and more moisture builds in my eyes for a multitude of reasons, and then I’m crying, too.
“Fuck, if we’d have been a second later . . .”
“I can’t lose you, Havoc,” Tate carries on for me gruffly when I can’t keep going any longer. “We can’t lose you. That’s the only way you ever hurt us. We just want you to stay with us forever.”
Alby nods frantically, sucking in a ragged breath, wiping at his swollen eyes. “You m-make my life so much be-tter, Ezla. It o-only h-hurts when you th-threaten to l-leave it. Pl-please don’t l-leave m-me.”
Ezla’s quiet for a beat, and I don’t think she knows how to respond. So while she gets her thoughts in order, I say to get this out of the way, because it’s still haunting me, “I’m so sorry about what I said in the maze, Ezla. Truly. I didn’t think about the impact my words could have.”
Her expression hardens slightly. “I do not wish to speak of that. That was . . . If people decide to analyse the interaction and conclude there is any weakness in me, I will simply have to go and tear those ridiculous thoughts from their heads,” she says, bloodlust flashing through her darkened eyes.
“I’ll come with you,” Tate grunts. “No one questions my baby’s ruthlessness.”
Gaze flicking over to him, her pupils expand, sudden desire swirling through her in slithering tendrils. “Thank you . . . my beast.”
Breaths of relief are huffed out around the room. If she’s still calling us hers, then that’s what we are.
Tate’s own eyes become molten in response, and the mood in the room is trying to change a little too fast for my liking.
This is too big of a mess to move on from so quickly, to allow to be taken over by arousal when there’s so many other feelings in the room that need to be addressed.
So I say quietly, raggedly, “I love you, Ezla. And it means everything to me—fucking everything—that you love me back. God, you have no idea. I . . . Can I please hold you, Love?”
More of that heavy weight that’s been pressing down on me this entire time lifts as I feel her displeasure through the bond at the fact I asked instead of simply holding her with ease.
Before she has to voice it, I move closer to her.
But then I pause. “Ezla,” I start cautiously as my eyes flick over the cuts all over her again.
“The tablets. Will you please take one?”
Slowly, her attention shifts to her right.
Tiger tries for a hopeful smile, but he looks traumatised.
I don’t fucking blame him—I am too. The sight of our Bonded when we burst into this bathroom, terrified we’d be too late after a barrage of emotions that I could hardly make sense of rampaged through the bond, overwhelming it completely .
. . the image of the woman I love surrounded by razor-sharp pieces of a broken mirror, one shard in her blood-soaked grasp, moments from sinking into the flesh that I cherish .
. . It’s permanently etched itself into my mind.
That’s a scar I know I’ll now always carry, made worse by the knowledge that I was a cause of this.
Ezla can deny it all she wants, but she’s clearly been growing more and more stressed with everything, maybe not even recognising it herself, and today she’s just been pushed over the edge. I’ve failed her yet again—
“Scotty, I would like to inform you that you have just added to your already-overloaded list of punishments to come.” I startle at Ezla’s calm tone, yanked back to myself and the current situation as she continues with her eyes on Tiger, “Come here, my wild one. You were right that I do not like you unhappy, and as much as I wish I could be rid of all these feelings, I cannot. I will do this for you.” My shoulders loosen somewhat as she holds out a hand for a tablet, then loosen further at Tiger’s brightening eyes, especially as our Bonded adds, “You are always so helpful, so good for me.” He’s still upset, of course, but I feel his happy pleasure at hearing he’s helpful when he worries he can’t be in such serious situations.
Rushing over, he pokes his tongue through his teeth in concentration as tries to twist the lid off with his other hand still holding the glass of water.
“Tiger.” Ezla holds her hand out for the glass.
“Oh! Yes! Thank you!” Quickly passing it to her, he then speedily gets the lid off the pot and tips one of the small white pills into his palm. Holding it out to her, he waits with a restless energy.