chapter 38
Decca
“Look at me, Decca.”
Gus turned my head to his, holding the back of my skull and nothing else. His other hand still hovered over the cards on the arm of the Adirondack chair.
In the firelight, his brown eyes glowed black, raging with a desperate sort of sadness. The side of his mouth turned up in a smile as he stroked his thumb across my lips once. His eyes followed the path.
Still looking at my mouth, he pulled me into him, kissing me gently. It was less a kiss and more him pressing our mouths together, to breathe the same breath and exist as one thing.
I could feel him resigned to this. To letting me go.
He didn’t have to. I’d show him. He wasn’t giving me up because I wouldn’t give him up. I wouldn’t allow myself to be given up.
I hadn’t realized I was still crying until I tasted the salt. With a sob, I opened my mouth and pressed his lower lip between mine. Then his top lip. I was mapping his mouth. Memorizing the feel of his kiss.
I was kissing him with passion and urgency.
He was kissing me goodbye.
I almost laughed. His intentions were cute, really. I’d let him have this. His little guilt trip. He thought he could fuck me one last time, and cling to this memory for the rest of his days.
He didn’t know that I’d win.
After that, the kissing overtook any thinking. I just needed to feel and feel. Still, there was a war between us. I opened my mouth to deepen the kiss, to let our tongues slide against each other. He pulled back, closing himself off.
I tucked my legs up, twisting my body into the shelter of his. His knees fell open wider, and his arm came around my body under my thick wool blanket to hold me against him. His kisses were his only point of hesitance.
I raked my fingers through his beard, feeling the strong line of his square jaw underneath the chestnut hair that glowed amber in the fire. His hair was combed back from his brow and tucked behind his ears. Though it didn’t curl at the ends. It only did that when the air was humid.
I breathed in his resinous scent as I brushed my lips across his face, his nose, across his cheeks. I pressed my lips into the warmth at his temples, letting my eyes float closed to feel more deeply. I ran my tongue over the curving shell of his ear and scraped my teeth over his lobe, listening for his soft moan as I flicked it with my tongue.
Before I could get to the delicate place under his jaw, he wrapped his entire hand around my neck, pulled me back, and bit my collarbone. The dull clamp of his teeth over my delicate skin almost tickled, but he knew the right amount of pressure to make me sink into him. Then he bit harder. Enough for me to feel the sharp pain of his teeth. To leave a mark over the bone that I’d carry to Knoxville and smile at every time I glanced at it in the hotel room.
If he was getting rid of me, why leave me a reminder to come back home?
His kisses were small explosions on my skin when he dipped me back and lowered his head to my chest. The blanket slipped off my shoulders, and the rush of cool air contrasted with the heat of his open mouth dragging along my sternum.
Gus’s thumbs covered my nipples, rubbing delicately. God, it was like a direct nerve to my clit. And he knew it. He knew all the ways to make my body sing. Already, he was doing exactly what I wanted him to do. My body responded to his hands like they were magic. My eyes closed, and I rocked into him, moving so that I straddled him, my knees on either side of his hips on the chair. Oh, bless this chair. It had always been perfect for us.
“Jesus Christ, Decca, you’re so beautiful. How am I going to—?” He pushed me down onto him so our chests mashed together, giving me the warmth I was craving. It also lined us up below my skirt. Oh God, his ridiculously perfect cock surged when my core pressed against him.
I broke our kiss to shimmy my dress over my head, leaving me bare except for a pair of sheer black panties. “Fuck,” he breathed out, his eyes wild when they took in the sight. It still wasn’t enough. I needed him. Inside me. Now. I needed to lower myself onto him and come until I couldn’t move.
My greedy hands grabbed at his belt, unbuckling it as fast as I could. I could barely stop rocking against him long enough to open his pants and free him. He was just as frantic. We both needed this.
He pushed his pants down low enough to spring free and my God, the sight of him still brought tears to my eyes. His cock was huge and perfect. Not that I’d ever cared about size. But it was his, and I was greedy for it. I was rocking against his thigh, my arousal dripping onto his muscular leg.
“Slow down, Crow. Let me feel you.”
No. I couldn’t wait. It was now. Now. I needed him inside me, filling me up, stretching me, fucking into me until he punched my cervix and made me come and filled me with his cum and licked it out of me. His hands moved between us, ripping my panties and jerking the scraps of fabric away from my body.
I pretended not to notice when he shoved them into his pocket.
His fingers caught my wet pussy as I knelt impatiently over his waiting cock, wanting to do everything to it. Lick it. Suck it. Fuck it. Worship it. It was mine. Gus was mine. He always would be. I wasn’t giving him up.
His fingers slid between the folds of my labia. His desire-blackened eyes fluttered closed on a groan, gliding around my clit, putting pressure everywhere rather than just the one spot that got me there. His hand felt so much better, fuller, more complete than my own. Gus, yes. Yes. Fuck. Yes. More. I panted for him to make me come.
Then he slid one finger inside my vagina, breathing out a ragged breath. “Decca, you’re so wet. I didn’t deserve you.” His long, delicate fingers that transfigured wine and bread into the body and blood of Christ were inside me, making us holy, making us one. I almost came from the thought. And the second finger he inserted. I bit down hard on my lip, tasting blood. It was too much. Why did my body respond this…much with him? Already it was so good it practically hurt.
“Gus, please. Now.” I whimpered as he withdrew his hand and used my juices to pump his cock.
“Come for me first.”
“No, I want you.”
“I need you to give me everything tonight, Decca. Please, sweet one. Come for me.”
He circled my clit with his thumb. Where he knew I couldn’t fight against it. “Yes,” I breathed. It was already building. I was so close.
“God, yes, Decca. Open your eyes, you sweet girl. Look at me.”
I wanted to keep them closed. I usually needed them closed to focus on the pleasure. There was a bit of mind trickery I had to do with myself to come. Everything else had to fall away. No sights, no sounds. If I got distracted, the orgasm would dissipate, and I’d have to wait until it built back up again.
But I did as he said. If this was what he wanted, I’d give him everything. High on my knees, I rode his fingers as they stroked my vagina and my clit. “Don’t force yourself to come. Let it build and ride it,” he said.
I leaned against his chest, which increased the pressure of his hand.
“You’re so fucking beautiful, Crow. Look at you, fucking my hand, dripping into my palm. I’m going to suck these fingers clean when you come. Drink every last drop of you.”
His words sent me into a frenzy as I rocked harder, bigger, my head jerking back in a hazing, dreamlike—
“Look at me,” he said, too calm.
“I can feel it dripping onto my pants, moistening my cock, leaking into the cuff of my shirt. Streaming out of you, so hot, then cooled by the air once it seeps into the fabric.”
My orgasm was building. I could feel it. Could he feel it?
“Yes, Crow. That’s it. Keep looking at me. Keep going. You’re going to come soon. You’re doing so well. Just give me your orgasm. Let me feel it on my fingers. Then I’ll give you my cock. Fuck, yes, I love the way your pussy flutters around my fingers.”
I heard a high-pitched noise that I was sure was coming from me, but I didn’t remember making that sound. I was so there. So high. The pressure almost too much. It needed to break soon, but it was never going to break.
“Yes, Decca. Yes. Come for me. Come for me, baby. You’re doing it. You’re so beautiful.”
Another guttural sound emitted from the back of my throat. Ugly and harsh, but it hardly mattered. I was looking into his eyes when I came with a crash. The world turned grey. I was looking at him, but I could see nothing.
I couldn’t hold myself up. I fell back onto his knees, riding his lap with Gus’s hand between us. My body was hot. So hot. I imagined I was burning the freezing night air around me with my heat.
When my vision returned. Gus was smiling at me. Kissing me tenderly. So proud to make me come. Relishing what he thought would be one of our last moments of connection.
I slumped against his chest, unable to use my arms or abs or back to hold myself upright. I wanted to sleep, but I wanted to fuck. I turned my head to the fire to watch the blaze. I wouldn’t be able to see again after staring into the flames, but the sparks floating up were so beautiful. That was my favorite part, the tiny lights ascending to just below the fingers of the leafless trees.
“That was not the right way to push you away.”
“No. It wasn’t.”
He pressed the heels of his hands over his eyes and took a deep breath before sliding his hands down to cover his face. He was still hard, but made no attempt to fuck me. I wished he would. I wanted him to fuck my body and use me for his own pleasure. He never just took from me. And I wanted him to take.
“Oh, God. I’m sorry.”
I wanted to laugh. This was all so stupid. His goodbye. His pushing me away. All because he thought he couldn’t offer me the one thing I really wanted. That I didn’t want.
In his selflessness, he was denying us both our happiness, our constancy, our bones. We’d finally had a near complete skeleton and here he was, determined to destroy the evidence.
I wasn’t going anywhere. I was only taking this meeting so I could officially turn them down. If I could talk to him, I’d show him.