Chapter 22
22
It was two weeks later when life changed again for me. On a quiet Monday morning, while the rain pattered against my window and I was having a lie-in, there was a knock at the front door. Mum and Dad were both out at work already and I’d been reading in bed.
I muttered all the way downstairs, while pulling on my fleecy dressing gown and tying the belt around me. I flung open the door ready to give Karl the postman a mouthful for spoiling my peace and quiet. He was the only person I’d seen wandering around the harbour when I’d looked out of the bedroom window, taking in the moody grey sky which was full of rain.
‘Dennie. What the?—’
‘Hello, stranger!’ He was leaning up against the wall outside of the front porch and I honestly couldn’t have been more surprised, delighted yet horrified all at the same time.
My hands immediately flew to my head where I tried to smooth down my wayward hair. I knew there were coffee stains all over my dressing gown and I hadn’t brushed my teeth since yesterday morning, because I just couldn’t be bothered to do them before I went to bed last night and I was pretty sure that, in a competition, my ogre breath would have won against Shrek.
‘What on earth are you doing here?’ My voice seemed to increase in both volume and pitch.
‘Well, that’s a nice welcome. You got any of that lovely coffee of yours on the go?’
‘No, but I can go and put a pot on. Come in, come in.’
He followed me through into the kitchen, while I was trying to rub my teeth a little, and even though I was all fingers and thumbs, I managed to get the coffee percolating.
‘I’d better go and put some clothes on. Can you give me a minute?’
‘You don’t need to do that on my account.’
‘Oh, I think I do. I must look a fright.’
‘You look lovely, Nancy, like you always do.’
My heart was beating ten to the dozen, and I had to shuffle past him because he was standing in my way and there was no other way to get out of the room.
‘Make yourself at home. I won’t be long.’
For some unknown reason, for the first time ever, I felt nervous in his company. What was he doing here? Was he just visiting? Maybe I’d find out if I stopped fannying about and got myself washed and changed.
I flung open my wardrobe door. What did you wear when the person who you think you might have fallen a little bit in love with turns up unexpectedly and you have two minutes rather than two hours to make yourself look presentable? I grabbed the first thing that caught my eye, which was a pretty vintage Joules dress. I quickly went into the bathroom and splashed my face with water and brushed my teeth. My hair, well, that was a different matter. I hadn’t dried it before I went to bed last night, so it was literally all over the place. I scraped it back into a reasonably neat chignon and quickly covered my face in tinted moisturiser and put a lick of mascara over my lashes. That would have to do.
‘You look even lovelier now, Nancy.’
‘Oh, Dennie, you’re such a smoothie,’ I retorted as I fumbled getting cups down from the top cupboard. Sadly, not as well as I’d hoped as my favourite of all, a spotty Emma Bridgewater mug that I’d had for years, fell through my clumsy fingers and smashed onto the tiled floor.
I bent to pick up the pieces at the same time as Dennie did and our faces ended up inches apart. He reached out and tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear. I couldn’t look at him. He was literally millimetres from me and I held my breath, waiting for the moment to pass.
‘I’ve missed you,’ he whispered.
‘Have you?’ I whispered back, lifting my eyes to meet his.
‘More than you can know. I… Well… I…’
His eyes flickered from mine, to my lips and back again.
‘I couldn’t stop thinking about you, Nance. I tried to throw myself back into London life, but I couldn’t get you off my mind.’
Time stood still. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. I’d only just got used to him not being around.
‘Oh.’
I was shell-shocked, I couldn’t speak.
‘Tell me I haven’t got this all wrong. That you feel the same.’
I grinned.
‘I do feel the same, Dennie.’
‘Thank God.’ He shuffled onto his other knee and somehow was now even closer to me.
Was he going to kiss me? Shit! Dennis was going to kiss me.
I closed my eyes and closed the gap between us.
Suddenly, the front door flung open and we sprang apart. A voice from the hallway stopped us in our tracks.
‘Mum, Dad, Nancy? Anyone home?’
‘Dan, what are you doing here?’
My brother came bumbling into the kitchen with a holdall slung over his shoulder. That wasn’t a good sign.
‘Hey, sis, how are you doing?’ he asked. He then noticed Dennie. ‘Oh, hello. Interrupting something, was I?’ He grinned.
‘Hey, I’m Dennis.’ He offered Dan his hand. ‘You must be Dan. I’ve heard a lot about you.’
‘Oh, so you’re Dennis. Been hearing about you from Mum.’
‘All good I hope.’
‘Well, that’s a matter of opinion really.’
I looked away, totally embarrassed, not wanting Dennie to think that we’d been talking about him. We actually hadn’t. No one had really mentioned his name out loud since he’d gone. His loss just wasn’t acknowledged by any of us, even though I had felt it so deeply.
I grabbed the dustpan and brush from the cupboard under the sink and started to sweep away the mess from the broken crockery.
‘Coffee smells good, Nancy. Got one for your bro?’
I grabbed more cups from the cupboard and with shaky hands still, poured us all a drink, then added milk and handed them out.
‘So, what brings you home, Dan?’
‘Guess!’
‘Sabrina kicked you out again? What have you done to piss her off this time?’
‘Nothing – again. Well, apart from living and breathing of course.’
‘Dan, you can’t let her keep doing this. You’re worth more than this.’
‘Oh, it’ll be fine again after a couple of days on her own. She just needs her space.’
‘But that’s not how relationships work. She can’t just kick you out every time she feels like it. You need to stand up to her more.’
‘Can’t. She scares the shit out of me.’
Dennie laughed.
‘Don’t laugh. It’s not funny, Dennis. She’s been doing this to him for years, then we’re expected to pick up the pieces every time. She’ll take him back and it’ll be all hunky-dory for the next few months until the next time she wakes up in a bad mood.’
‘She can’t help it.’ My big brother looked so dejected and sad that it broke another little piece of my heart. Like it did every time this behaviour repeated itself.
‘You deserve better, Daniel.’
‘I love her,’ he whispered.
‘You’re a fool and that’s not love.’
‘Well, you’re a fine one to talk. Look at you. You’ve never been in love in your life so how do you think you’re so qualified to tell me what to do? I’d rather be with someone than on my own and too scared to love. Like you are.’
‘And why do you think that is, Dan? Do you think you’re a good example to follow? Do you think I want to be caught up in a relationship like yours? I’d like to think I’m worth more than that.’
‘Yeah, and that’s why you’re on your own, like a sad sap.’
I hadn’t known Dennie for long and I didn’t like that Dan was taking the mickey out of me in front of him. It felt particularly awkward. I felt like Dennie liked me for the me that I was around him and not for the me that I really was. The sad sap that my brother knew I was.
‘Hey,’ Dennie said, stepping in and raising his voice. ‘That’s no way to talk to Nancy, sister or not. You’re out of order, mate!’
My head snapped around. While there was a part of me that loved that Dennis was sticking up for me, I was my own person and could stand up for myself. I didn’t need anyone else to fight my battles. I was perfectly capable of fighting my own.
Also, anyone with siblings would surely confirm, I could slag off my brother, but no one else could.
‘Thank you, Dennis, but I can handle my own arguments thank you very much. I’ve managed perfectly well fighting my own battles for the last twenty-seven years, without anyone else interfering. I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone. You don’t know anything about us as a family. If you did, you’d know that he follows the same pattern every time. She upsets him. He takes it out on me. It’s just the way it is. Welcome to our family!’
‘And she’ll then tell me why she’s on her own,’ Dan added. ‘That she doesn’t want to end up like me. And that’s why she’ll never take a chance on love. Never gives anyone the chance to get close to her. She’s too scared that her heart will break. But sometimes you have to take the risk. To love is to live. How can you have a life without love?’
‘Well, I’d rather be alone, thank you very much. At least that way you don’t get hurt. Life is just full of people letting you down and at least my heart will always be protected if I don’t give it away to anyone. No thank you. Not for me. I’d rather live without love than go through this shit.’
Dan’s lip quivered. One minute he was talking about me and then he realised that he was actually talking about himself. His eyes welled up. I knew him well enough to know when he was about to break down and he flew across the room and into my arms. His body was heaving with sobs and we clung onto each other for dear life. My poor battered brother. I hated the way Sabrina treated him. I wished he’d wake up and realise what she was like. I wished he’d find someone else to show an interest. I stroked his back, trying to calm him down. Just like I always did.
Then I turned to Dennis, but he wasn’t there. All that was left on the table next to where he’d been standing was a full cup of coffee, hardly touched. He’d clearly left us to it.
I sighed. Dan looked up at me.
‘Sorry, sis, have I interrupted something?’
‘No, it’s fine. Don’t worry. It was nothing important.’
The click of the front door after that sentence, indicating that he had probably heard every single word, was a sound that I could never forget.