Chapter Twenty-Two #2
“I know. I’m sorry. I was scared and nervous and I knew you’d be upset and want to take control of the situation. I couldn’t
deal.”
Jax got that. “You’re right. But you’re going through some stuff and you need to have me to talk to.”
“I do and I’ve missed leaning on you and having you help me make the hard decisions.” She sighed. “I don’t want to go but
I’m afraid I won’t ever be fully happy here. Not without a family of my own.”
“You can’t have that with Alex?”
Ryleigh sighed. “I could if he felt the same way but he doesn’t.” She leaned against the shelves. “He’s still in love with
Kim.”
“You don’t know that. Grief is complicated. He can still love what he had and be open to a new relationship.”
“Not according to what he’s said to me. What if she’s his one and only? Maybe he doesn’t want to love again. Some people don’t. Look at you.”
“Why would you say that? I want love in my life.”
Ryleigh shook her head. “I don’t know. Being in love means giving up control. You don’t do that.”
Jax didn’t like the sound of that. “I do. All the time.”
Her sister looked at her. “Really? Give me two examples.”
“I let other people look for Ramon.”
“How did that mean giving up control of the situation?”
“I don’t know but it did. I’m fine. Totally normal. I’m dating Marcus. We’re going out and that means I could fall in love
with him.” Possibly. Maybe. She really hadn’t thought that far ahead.
“I’m not sure you want to be in love.”
“I do.” Jax was pretty sure she did. “What is love, anyway? We think it’s real but I’m not sure. The romantic kind seems iffy.
You thought you were in love with Dustin and you weren’t. I’m not sure Harris and I were ever in love.”
“Love is real. Look at Mom and Taft. Or Alex and Kim. You saw them together. Just being close to them, you could feel the
love.”
Ryleigh’s tone was wistful, Jax thought, worried that this conversation would only fuel her desire to move, but Jax wasn’t
sure how to change the subject now.
“You’re afraid,” her sister added, sounding surprised.
“I’m not. Afraid of what?”
“Love. Risking your heart. Getting hurt. Did you pick Harris because you knew he could never really hurt you?”
“How can you ask that? I was devastated by the divorce. Blindsided. We had a life.”
“You had a life and he had a life, but the two of you were never a ‘we.’” Ryleigh seemed to be figuring out what she wanted
to say as she went. “Everyone was blinded by the chemistry. You had the sparks. But that was just sex. It wasn’t a connection of the heart. Huh. Jax, have you ever been in love with anyone romantically?”
“I have. I have! Of course. Dozens of times.” She struggled to come up with a name. “In high school when I dated Joe—we were
in love.”
“Yeah, I don’t think so. So what’s the issue? You’re strong and smart and funny. You care about people. I’ve never thought
of you as stunted before.”
“I’m not stunted!” Jax voice was a yelp. “You take that back.”
“You’re nearly thirty-eight and you’ve never been in love. I guess that sends us back to the whole control issue. You won’t
give it up. I’m sorry, sis, but I can’t think of another word that fits.” She tilted her head. “Is it Mom? When we were growing
up, she talked about being independent and not needing anyone. You were the oldest, so you heard more of that than me. Then
we came here and she and Taft reunited and it was great. But had the lesson been learned? Or is it because you had to take
care of me from the time I was born? Or is it just hardwired into you?”
“There’s nothing wrong with me,” Jax snapped. “I’m perfect.”
Ryleigh started to laugh. “Sorry, but you are so far from perfect.”
“Maybe, but you know what I mean.” She thought about what her sister was saying. “I’ll admit I might have control issues.
As for Harris, we were both so young. I think we were in a place where we wanted to be married—to enter the next phase of
life. He was there and I was there, and the sex was good, so hey. But we never really meshed. We weren’t partners.”
“What about with Marcus? Could he be a partner?”
Jax thought about how he’d been there for her and how he always went out of his way to be with her and take care of whatever
needed doing. He talked about being trustworthy in a way that made her want to believe. He was dependable and kind, good with
Ramon, and the way he kissed . . .
“You’re smiling,” Ryleigh pointed out. “You have a thing for him.”
“As we’re going out, I should have a thing for him. He’s great. I like him. You know the kid who was left alone at nights
while his mom worked? Marcus helped her get a better job and now she’s working days. Her son doesn’t have to be scared anymore.”
“You admire him.”
“I do. With Harris, I never felt I could fully trust him, but I trust Marcus.”
“Enough to fall in love with him?”
The question had Jax physically taking a step back. Ryleigh sighed.
“Oh, Jax, if you could see your face.”
“What?”
“You look trapped. Don’t blow this. Marcus is amazing. Don’t lose him because you’re scared.”
“You’re being very critical of me this morning. You need to stop that. I’ll cry and then you’ll feel bad. We’re in a good
place right now.”
“You’re distracting me with all the words, but I’m not listening. Marcus is worth keeping.”
“I’m keeping him. We’re going to have sex next week.”
Ryleigh’s eyes widened. “That’s news.”
Jax felt herself flush. “Yes, well, it’s the next logical step. I’m excited but also nervous. It’s been a long time. I haven’t
had sex with anyone other than Harris in like fifteen years.” She paused. “Wow, that’s so depressing.”
“I’ll want details,” her sister told her with a laugh.
“Always. Telling you everything is never going to change.”
Jax sat on a bench the edge of the pier and stared out at the ocean.
While she was happy she and Ryleigh were once again on steady ground, she hadn’t liked what her sister had to say about her—especially the part about being stunted!
She wasn’t. She was a whole, emotionally healthy person who had married the wrong man.
Nothing more. She wasn’t afraid of love and she didn’t have control issues.
Sure, she hadn’t exactly been looking to get involved with anyone.
Until Marcus, dating had never crossed her mind, but was that a bad thing?
Or maybe she was phrasing the question wrong. Maybe the real issue was more about what she wanted now that she’d recognized
she wasn’t so much the victim in her divorce as she’d first thought. Did she want to find someone she could care about? Was
she willing to trust her heart to a man and if so, was that man Marcus?
“Jax?”
She turned in surprise as Shawna walked up to her.
“I went to the store and Cheryl told me you’d come out here for your lunch break. I h-hope I’m not interrupting.”
Jax held in a groan. The younger woman’s face was blotchy, her eyes were red. Her body language screamed that she’d been emotionally
beaten and left on the side of the road—which meant one thing. Harris had come clean.
Jax shifted to make room for Shawna on the bench, then braced herself for a meltdown.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, thinking it would be best not to let Shawna know the breakup wasn’t news.
“I wanted to let you know you can have your room back,” Shawna said, her mouth trembling as she spoke. Tears filled her eyes
and dripped down her cheeks.
“Oh, no. I’m sorry. What happened?”
Ack! Why had she asked that? She didn’t need to know details. Only, Shawna had shown up, so she obviously wanted to talk,
and given that Jax had known what was coming, she probably deserved to listen.
“He doesn’t want to marry me.” Shawna covered her face with her hands, her body shaking with sobs. “He says he likes me a
lot and thinks I’m great, but he’s not ready to be married to anyone.”
“I’m sorry,” Jax repeated, then found herself instinctively moving closer and putting her arm around the other woman. Shawna fell against her, crying harder now.
“He’s not in love with me. Not the way I thought. He said he’s not interested in having more children and even said something
about getting a vasectomy.”
Which would be the smart decision, she thought. Not that Shawna would agree.
“Everything about this sucks,” Jax said. “I wish I could do something. You were so happy.” She paused, wondering if that was
a dumb thing to say. She searched for something comforting and came up blank.
“He wanted to marry you,” Shawna said, straightening. “You were the one, not me.”
“Oh, honey, no. That was years ago and we’re divorced. If it was so perfect, we’d still be together. I promise you, he’s not
secretly mourning our marriage. We had so many problems and he’s the one who left. You’re a wonderful, caring woman who deserves
the love of a good man.”
Shawna wiped her face. “I believed him. I believed all the things he said. I was making plans. I told everyone about the wedding.
It was all I talked about.” The tears started falling again. “It’s so humiliating. I told my whole family and all my friends
and practically everyone I ever knew that I was getting married and now I have to tell them it was all a joke and the joke’s
on me.”
Jax hugged her again, feeling faintly sick to her stomach. “He was so wrong to do this to you. I wish I could make it better.”
“Thank you. I’m sorry to be so upset.”
“Don’t be,” Jax told her. “You had expectations and made plans based on Harris proposing. The man bought you a diamond ring—of
course you believed him.”
“I wanted us to be together always. I wanted to be a stepmom and have kids of my own. I thought that was going to happen.”
“I know.”
“Now I have nothing. For the rest of my life I have to explain how I got played by the man who was supposed to love me forever.”
Jax held her close and silently screamed at her ex. This was the fallout she’d warned him about.
Shawna continued to cry. “How am I ever going to trust anyone again?”
“The next guy isn’t going to be like Harris. He’s going to be a good, sweet man who thinks you’re his princess.”
Shawna raised her head. “What if you’re wrong? What if I brought this on myself?”
“You didn’t. You’re the injured party in this. Believe me, you’re not to blame.”
“I want to believe you.”
“Then do. I’m older and wiser. You didn’t do anything wrong. I know it’s hard to think about your future right now when everything
hurts and you’re feeling so betrayed but I hope that over time you’ll come to see that you’re not at fault. Try to give yourself
grace. And while you’re at it, maybe give the next guy a little grace, too.”
“There’s no next guy. I couldn’t take the chance. This hurts too much.”
“This probably isn’t the day to make any life-altering decisions. Are you going to drive up to Los Lobos and stay with your
folks for a few days?”
Shawna sniffed. “I wasn’t going to.”
“Maybe you should. This would be a good time to get spoiled by them.”
“I don’t know. Mom asked me to come. I thought I had to stay here and be brave on my own.”
“You’re being plenty brave. Go where you’re loved, sweetie. Go where you’ll feel safe. You’ve got the summer off. Take advantage
of that.”
“Thank you.” Shawna tried to smile. “Maybe I will go. I have a few things I need to do here, but in a couple of days I could be done and head north.” She wiped her face.
“Thank you. You’ve been very kind. Even from the beginning.
My mom was worried about me getting along with—” she made air quotes “—‘the first wife,’ but you made it easy. You’re really great, Jax. ”
“Thank you.”
She thought about mentioning that Gentry and Xander would miss her, but told herself not to go there. She didn’t want to cause
Shawna more pain. And speaking of her children, she had to find out if they knew what had happened.
They stood and walked toward the parking lot.
“You going to call your mom?” she asked.
“As soon as I get home. You’re right. I’ll feel better with my folks.” She flung herself at Jax. “Thank you for everything.”
“Of course.”
Shawna got in her car and drove away. Jax got into her SUV and closed her eyes. That poor woman. At least now she could start
healing and get on with her life.