Chapter Twenty-Three #2
Ryleigh immediately returned to the sofa and sat close enough to hug her. “I’m so sorry. The timing totally sucks.”
“I know. It was like him breaking up with me all over again. I was so happy and now I have nothing.”
“You don’t have nothing. You have a good life. Right now it’s hard to see that because your heart is broken, but in time you’ll
see there’s a lot of good left.”
“You sound like my mother.”
Ryleigh smiled. “I know that’s not a bad thing.”
Shawna sagged back against the sofa. “It’s not. She’s wonderful and she’s being so supportive. It’s just hard. I feel sick
and shattered—like I’ll never be whole again. Just when I start to feel like I’m pulling myself together, I fall apart again.”
“Of course you do. It’s only been a couple of days. Shawna, you need to give yourself time.”
Shawna nodded, then wiped away tears. “It’s hard. I know he’s a jerk and he used me or whatever, but I still miss him. Which
makes me pathetic. But there’s so much else.” She looked up. “I miss the kids. They were fun and we were just getting to know
each other. We had plans for the summer and now they’re going to do all that without me. They’ll move on and it will be like
I was never there.” Tears trickled down her cheeks. “The kids make it harder.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” Ryleigh said, thinking of how much she was going to miss Noah if she moved. They had a routine, a rhythm to their lives. She thought of her week in terms of him and Alex. In many ways, they anchored her in space and time, and without them, she would be adrift.
“Gentry and Xander aren’t going to forget you,” she added. “They really like you.”
“Thank you for saying that.” Shawna blew her nose. “I know this is going to sound strange, but I’m going to miss Jax, too.
She was great. Such a good mom and so very kind to me. She didn’t have to be, but she was. The way she moved out of the bedroom
and everything. Her bird is scary, but otherwise, she’s the most together ex-wife ever.”
Ryleigh knew her sister would appreciate the praise but then would laugh at the thought of being together. “I’ll tell her
you said that.”
“Good. She’s amazing. I wondered about the marriage—what went wrong and stuff—but now I know it has to have been Harris.”
She sniffed. “I feel so stupid. I believed him when he said he loved me. I believed him when he proposed.”
“Hey, you were right to believe him. Why wouldn’t you? He was totally in the wrong. You’re the innocent party here.”
“I know but somehow that doesn’t make me feel better. Maybe if I could stop loving him, but I can’t.” Her lower lip trembled.
“It’s the worst loving someone who doesn’t love you back.”
“I know,” Ryleigh said with a sigh, then realized she probably shouldn’t have said that, especially when Shawna stared at
her.
“Alex,” she breathed.
“What? No! Definitely not. Alex? Don’t be silly. We’re just friends.” Ryleigh tried to be convincing but the longer she talked,
the less even she believed herself.
“You’re in love with him,” Shawna said, her voice concerned. “Does he know?”
Ryleigh groaned. “Fine. Yes, I’m in love with him and no he doesn’t know. I just figured it out myself. I’m not even a hundred
percent sure what I feel is love. Maybe it’s stomach flu.”
Shawna managed a watery smile. “It’s not the flu. And when I think about it, you falling for him makes sense. You’re together all the time. You do things like a family. Oh, no. Noah. You already loved him and this makes it worse.”
She grabbed Ryleigh’s hands. “It’s what I said before. The kid thing. They make it more difficult.”
“They do.” Ryleigh squeezed her fingers before pulling back. “I’m confused and sad and I have no idea what I’m supposed to
do. I know I’m important to Alex. We’re tight.” She thought it best not to mention the fact that they were sleeping together.
“Do you think you were in love with him when you were with Dustin? Is that why you broke up?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so but I’m genuinely not sure.” Poor Dustin, she thought. Whether or not she’d been in love with
Alex at the time, she’d totally messed up everything.
“You need to tell Alex,” Shawna said. “What if he feels the same way and doesn’t know how to say anything?”
Ryleigh physically recoiled. “Tell him? No way. I couldn’t do that. He’s still in love with Kim.”
“It’s been a while now. He’s moved on.”
She thought about how he’d talked about being ready for sex but not for a relationship. “No, he’s still dealing with the loss.
He’s told me he’s not ready to get involved with anyone.”
“Maybe that’s because he’s already involved with you.”
“I wish.” Ryleigh sighed.
Shawna leaned toward her. “So you’re not going to do anything? You’re going to keep being his friend while secretly loving
him?”
“Pretty much.”
“Ryleigh, no. Tell him. See what he says. Even if he’s not completely in love with you, saying the words might cause him to
consider the possibilities.”
“Or it might make him point and laugh.” She shuddered. “It’s too risky.”
“So you’d rather not be with him? Don’t miss out on a great guy because you’re scared.”
Ryleigh knew that Shawna was making sense, but she wasn’t sure she was brave enough to follow through.
“You’re really wise.”
Shawna shrugged. “Those who can, do. Those who get their hearts ripped out and shredded offer advice.”
“I’m sorry about Harris.”
“Me, too. I’m hoping in a few days I’ll move from being sad to being angry. At least then I’ll know I’ve started through the
stages of grief.”
“You’ll get there. You’re tough.”
“So are you.”
Ryleigh was less sure, but Shawna had certainly given her something to think about. Tell Alex how she felt? Could she? Should
she? Or maybe the more important question was, what was she going to lose if she didn’t at least try?
Monday morning Jax found herself unable to concentrate on much of anything but the clock. She had her special date with Marcus that night and she was all fluttery with anticipation. She kept pulling out her phone to text him, then shoving
it back into her pocket. She wasn’t sixteen—she could wait like a reasonable person. It was a workday and she needed to be
doing the work thing.
A little after ten Marcus showed up with lattes, doughnuts and a sheepish expression. “I have a meeting with a client in an
hour, but I wanted to see you.”
She smiled at him, happy he was as eager as she was. “Thank you. I want to be seen.”
They went out to the side patio where customers often ate their lunch on Wednesday First Chapter Hour. At this time of day
it was quiet and private.
They sat across from each other. Marcus handed her one of the lattes and a chocolate-glazed doughnut.
“How are you doing?” he asked. “How are the kids?”
“They’re still sad about the breakup. We talked about it a lot, so I think they’re starting to feel a little better. My guess
is they’re waiting to grill their dad about what happened. He was supposed to come over that night, but he flaked out. I’ve
warned him so I’m hoping he has a better explanation than the sex wasn’t worth the trouble of a fake engagement.”
Marcus raised his eyebrows. “He wouldn’t say that to them, would he?”
“No, but he’s going to have to come up with some explanation. I suggested he lean in to realizing he didn’t love her the right
way and knew it was wrong to pretend.” And while she hoped her ex would listen, she honestly wasn’t sure.
“Gentry’s upset about the wedding, but Xander has surprised me with how much he really misses Shawna.”
“Does that bother you?”
Jax considered the question. “I’m not jealous or anything. I always knew he was a sweet kid, but I’m still surprised at how
tenderhearted he is. I guess he and Shawna bonded the most.”
“Are you moving back into the main bedroom?”
“I don’t think so. Sharing with Harris didn’t bother me before because we weren’t actually in the room together and it had
been my bedroom before the divorce. But now I think I’d feel strange being up there. My little oasis suits me better. As long
as the kids are fine with having me downstairs, which they are, then that’s where I’ll stay.”
She took a bite of her doughnut and chewed.
“I feel awful about Shawna but I sure won’t miss her intrusive mother.
In a way it’ll be nice to get our lives back to normal.
Harris and I switching our weeks without any drama.
Working in the bookstore, hanging out with my sister.
Ramon is home, Huckleberry is settling in.
It’s all good and everything I need. I’m looking forward to the summer. ”
Marcus gave her a strange look. “That’s your life.”
The words were normal enough but there was something in his tone.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, even as she replayed her sentences, looking for something she might have said that would upset
him.
He studied her for several seconds. “I didn’t get it before and I should have. You were trying to set me up with your sister.
At first I thought you were kidding, that it wasn’t really about me or us, but I was wrong. You were serious.”
Jax sensed there was a problem but she had no idea what it was. “But that was before, when I was trying to find her a man
so she would stay here. I wouldn’t try to set you up with her now.”
“But you weren’t looking for anyone. You weren’t interested in me.”
Warning signs were flashing. She told herself to be careful, although it was difficult to know what to say or not say when
she had no idea what was wrong.
“I thought you were good-looking,” she said cautiously. “And nice. Good at your job. Sexy.”
“But if I hadn’t kissed you, you never would have thought of dating me.”
“I wasn’t in that place. I never thought about dating anyone. I’m trying to figure out why. I like being with you. It’s fun
and we get along. So why am I so wary about, you know, committing and stuff . . . ?” Her voice trailed off as she realized
she might be going down a dangerous path.
His expression became unreadable. “Where do you see this going?”
“This?”
“Us. Are we going to keep seeing each other?”
Oh, crap, this was so bad. “I hope so. I want to. I know I have trust issues and possible control issues but you seem okay
with them.”
“Could you ever see yourself falling in love with me?”
“God, no,” she said with a laugh. “Falling in love? I don’t think so. That’s—”
Something flashed in his eyes. It was dark and full of pain and then it was gone. She suddenly got that she and Marcus were
not in the same place and that she might have just said exactly the wrong thing.
“I mean it’s really soon,” she amended. “Love takes time and, you know, time.”
“So not now, not ever.”
A statement, not a question, she thought, struggling to come up with an answer. “Love is complicated.”
“So to quote your bird, this is just about getting laid.”
“No. It’s more. Marcus, I like you. This is great. We’re great. All of it.”
“I don’t think so.” He shook his head. “I knew you hadn’t been dating but I assumed that was about the divorce. A failed marriage
is a tough thing to recover from but that’s not the reason, is it? You’re not interested in being with someone. If I hadn’t
pursued you, you’d be happily on your own.”
“But you did and I’m glad you did. I like us going out. I want to be with you.”
“Jax, when you listed all the things you were pleased about in your life, I wasn’t one of them. You’re right, love takes time.
Maybe my question wasn’t fair, I don’t know. But I saw us going somewhere and I don’t think you do. Ironically, I’m going
to quote all the women I used to date. I want more.”
“More than what?” she asked before she could stop herself.
He exhaled. “Okay, that’s the answer. The job’s about wrapped up. I’ll send you the final bill when it’s done. Goodbye, Jax.”
He got up and walked away. She stared after him, not sure what had just happened. Everything had been so great—they were going
to have sex that night. Only, now she wondered if she was ever going to see him again.