52. Chloe
52
CHLOE
A couple of days after my fun evening with Sean and Erin, I walked back home from the subway station after work.
My week had been going well.
Greg had brought the trash bins back this week on his scheduled turn, and a few other friendly neighbors had moved in, making me feel optimistic about finding a community of friends here in our building.
I was feeling so good that on my way home, I stopped to get Henry’s favorite burger from Shake Shack.
My PMP certification course had been going well, thanks to Sean’s support, and I was fairly confident that I could pass the exam and get certified soon.
I was glad Sean had pushed me to do this, especially since I was coming up on the deadline to leave my job at Tassater Inc.
I pushed the apartment door open and walked in, putting my handbag down and looking around for a place to hang my keys.
The table by the apartment door was a mess, filled with mail that I’d brought in the previous day.
My gaze went to one of the letters that Henry had left on the table.
It was addressed to him, and I picked it up, meaning to clean up the place, when my gaze fell on the word congratulations .
I froze. Before I could read the rest, I looked up and saw the door to Henry’s room open.
He rolled out, humming a tune and looking generally pleased with the world.
He stopped when he saw me, his gaze drifting slowly and dramatically to the paper in my hand.
The silence in the room was thick and heavy while I debated what to say.
“Chloe,” he said, his voice serious as he wheeled himself over to me.
When he reached me, I held the letter out to him.
“What is it?” I asked, my voice trembling because, if Henry was keeping something from me, it must be serious.
“It’s just an admission to grad school,” he said.
I sat down on the edge of the sofa, feeling like someone had sucked all the air out of me.
The bag with the Shake Shack burger fell to the floor.
Had Henry been applying for grad school?
“I did it on a dare,” Henry explained.
“Ronan dared me to apply because he’d been applying too. I sent it in ages ago and forgot about it until now.”
I stared at the envelope, wondering just how much of our future we missed because we never went beyond our comfort zone.
Henry could go to graduate school.
“What is the admission for?” I asked.
The idea did not appeal to me.
It would mean a lot of changes for us, and I just wasn’t mentally and emotionally ready for it.
“It’s a partial scholarship to study chemistry at MIT,” he said.
“It’s for a five-year master’s and PhD program, which is mostly for people who love teaching?—”
“But you don’t,” I interrupted, hating myself as I said those words.
“You dislike teaching.”
He thought about it for a moment.
“I like research,” he said.
“Chloe, it’s MIT.”
“What about the job covering sports for the paper?” I asked.
Henry frowned. “I’m inclined to turn it down. It’ll involve a fair bit of traveling, and you know I hate any change in my routine.”
Even with my reluctant dismissal, pieces of his future life were coming together in my mind, and I didn’t like it.
I knew the offer from MIT was too good to turn down.
If Henry wanted to pursue that—I gulped—then, by extension, I’d be going with him.
It would take some getting used to.
Moving to Boston. I’d need to find a job there.
We’d need to be in Boston for five years while he completed his PhD.
Tingles ran up my body.
My brother had a bright future, and I ought to be proud of him instead of worrying.
“Oh, Henry,” I said, running over to him and putting my arms around him for a hug.
I buried my head on his shoulder, inhaling his familiar comforting smell while he patted me on the back.
He let me hold him tight for a moment before he looked up at me.
“Can I read the letter?” I asked, and he nodded.
“The first year’s tuition is paid for,” he said in a minute.
“And I’ll work hard to get a scholarship in the second year too. And the years after that.”
I said nothing, but looked away.
“And there’s a grant that’s providing me funds for my living expenses for the first year. We’ll obviously need to figure out the living expenses for my second year.”
He looked around the apartment.
“I know it’s a huge change, but we can make it work,” he said.
We would leave New York.
And therefore … Sean.
“I’ll need to figure out the expenses, of course, but I’m sure I can talk to someone at?—”
“Henry, I’m not leaving,” I said, my words ringing loud and clear.
He processed that while I looked at the cabinets and the efforts I’d gone through to make sure they were accessible to Henry.
So much of our memories were tied up here.
“What do you mean?” he asked, looking confused.
“You always said you’d give anything to be able to go back in time and get a college education yourself. It’s the easiest way to have access to better jobs and a better life. Those were your words.”
I sat down on the nearest chair.
“Henry”—my voice was weary—“I promised myself I’d never leave this home.”
It was a lie.
I didn’t want to leave Sean.
“Chloe”—his voice was gentle—“I’m not moving to Boston by myself. You’ll join me. I don’t want to leave you here. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. How are you not getting this?”
“Why don’t you go to Boston alone?” I asked, my voice sounding broken.
He rolled his eyes at that.
“Yeah, right,” he muttered.
I cringed. I could see it now.
I’d let my guilt control my life so much; by being around him every possible minute of my life, I’d taken away his confidence in himself.
“Chloe, do you know how hard it is to get into MIT?”
“Yes, and I’m rightfully proud.”
“So, you expect me to go to Boston? All by myself?” he asked, his frustration building.
There had been many arguments between us when it came to his health, but so far, I’d always given in.
But this time, I didn’t want to give in.
I wanted him to follow his dreams alone.
Had he never stopped to consider that he could manage just fine, even if those dreams led him away from me?
I was suddenly put on the spot, being made to choose between the two most important people in my life.
The answer surprised me.
I was choosing Sean over Henry.
I wasn’t ready to tell Henry this just yet.
About how strongly I felt for Sean.
Sean needed to hear that first.
“Henry, I understand you think you need me around. This is my way of telling you that you don’t need anyone anymore. You’re very capable of doing things by yourself. Why, just last week, you drove to college.”
Of course he hadn’t realized that he didn’t need me.
I couldn’t go out on a date without him needing me in the middle of it.
“Boston is five hours from here,” he said, cutting me short.
“Away from you.”
I felt helpless.
I didn’t know how to make him see sense.
He finally had an opening, a chance for a future that would give him a stable, if not stellar, job.
Why did he have to insist I be a part of it?
I nodded. “I know,” I said quietly.
“I can’t move there. I’m not leaving this home because this is the place with memories of Mom and Dad,” I lied again.
“Even if I wanted to, I’m not leaving it. Ever.”
That seemed to sting him the most.
“And I can’t go without you,” he said, looking frustrated.
“I’ve been naive enough to think that our life would somehow change for the better in the foreseeable future. You know what? It never will. We’ll live this life again and again, growing old like this. It’s the first time this vision of my future sounds less than appealing to me. I don’t want this life ten years from now. Heck, even five years from now. I want more. I want better. And I can’t have it.”
I agreed.
Only the future I saw was different from his.
I wanted a family of my own and a brother who wasn’t codependent on me.
Bruce had warned me about this, and so had Sean, but I could now see it.
Henry would never let me go.
“There are many times when I think it’s time we face our past and come to terms with it. But we don’t need to face our past. We’re still living in it,” he said, his voice sounding pained.
“I’m turning down MIT. So, there.”
I stared at him like he was crazy.
All I felt was a sort of numbness, one that seemed to spread out to my fingers.
Henry would turn down any good thing just to hold tight to me.
I didn’t know what to do with my life anymore.
Apart from a strange desire to run away, away from this apartment, him, and even from Sean, who asked things of me I couldn’t seem to give.
Like a full night together.
We’d been seeing each other for five months now, and I still hadn’t spent the night at his place.
It was crazy.
His eyes strayed to the takeout bag by my feet, and he looked exasperated.
“Let’s just have dinner,” he said.
I handed it over, and Henry took a look inside.
“Why do you always buy just one?” he asked.
“I buy only one because only you like it. Not me. It’s always been about you, Henry. And it doesn’t feel right anymore.”
At my words, he set his burger back down.
I could feel disappointment radiating from him and felt ashamed.
Why was I doing this?
Now, Henry wouldn’t eat his dinner, and his mood would be ruined.
My mood would be ruined.
Just when everything was going so well.
“I’m sorry,” I added, noticing that his burger lay untouched.
I didn’t want him to go hungry tonight because of this conversation.
“Please eat it, Henry. I’m sorry for being so irritable.”
“We’re not talking about this again,” he said, crumpling the letter of admission up and tossing it in the bin.
Taking his plate, he rolled away to his room, shutting the door, while I stayed alone in the living room.
After a few silent minutes, I made a call to Tess, feeling conflicted.
I knew what Sean would say if I were to tell him about this because Sean was biased.
Tess was, too, but a little less biased than Sean.
“You know, even if it didn’t work out, I’m so proud of you for pushing Henry to do it alone,” Tess said quietly after I filled her in.
“The old Chloe I knew would have never done that.”
“Yes, well …” I struggled with my emotions for a bit.
“There’s something to be said for Henry and me being independent, isn’t there?”
She chuckled.
“Yes, Chloe. Yes. Is this new and improved Chloe all thanks to Sean?” Tess asked after a bit.
“Nonsense,” I said immediately, and she laughed.
“Sean’s been a good influence on you,” she said.
“Are the two of you serious? It sure seems like that to me.”
I scoffed at that.
If there was one thing I could bank on, it was our expectations from our relationship.
Purely physical.
I sat down on the couch, staring at the coffee table.
The table where Henry had explained a soccer game to Sean.
Sean had even come to our doorstep to make sure Henry was okay after the college emergency incident.
Sean had unyieldingly, patiently been there for me.
Right from the day he’d given me a job when there wasn’t a position open.
Tess was still talking.
“So, have you thought about what it will mean that you won’t leave New York for Boston when Sean is still here?”
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
As the thought hit me, I realized something else.
I didn’t want Sean to ever leave me.
The idea was shocking.
We’d decided we weren’t going to be in a relationship.
I’d wanted exactly that.
An emotionless fling.
But life, so often, made me feel like I was mountain climbing without a safety harness.
And lately, it felt like Sean and I had been mountain climbing together without harnesses, and that felt okay.
That felt doable. The mountain conquerable, the safety harnesses unnecessary because we were together.
I was in love with him.
Did I admit this to him?
And if I did, what if he just upped and left?
What if this was wading into the dangerous territory for him, bringing back memories of his bad relationships?
Did I have the courage to be alone, without Sean?