60. Chloe
60
CHLOE
T he sun was streaming through the windows, casting a warm glow on the tiny living room.
Henry rolled backward and forward in his wheelchair restlessly while I sat on the couch, staring at the wall.
It had been a month since I’d ended things with Sean, and I still couldn’t stop feeling distraught.
I’d tried to tell myself that I’d done the right thing for Henry.
Even so, my heart said losing what I’d had with Sean felt stupid, like I’d made a big mistake.
Even learning that I’d passed my PMP exam didn’t make me feel better.
I haven’t lost anything ; I reminded myself.
Henry was still here.
I was still here. We had a roof over our heads, a bank account that would pull me along for the next six months even if I didn’t find a job, and so much to look forward to with Henry’s upcoming graduation party.
I hadn’t even considered going to the small ceremony that the continuing education program was holding later today for the people who’d gotten their PMP certificate.
None of that seemed to matter when my phone wouldn’t light up with Sean’s call or text.
The fears of entering a relationship with Sean had been many, and I’d told myself I wouldn’t get too consumed by Sean’s love.
But his love for me had been so quiet, so silent, when it enveloped me in its warmth that I didn’t realize how messed up I’d gotten after getting involved with him.
I’d realized it only when I was hopelessly in love with Sean.
Every night when I went to sleep on the bed Sean had delivered home for me, I thought of him.
Sean had shown me he didn’t want to leave me.
I didn’t scare him off.
Henry didn’t scare him off.
It wasn’t a fling at all.
It had been a solid relationship, one I shouldn’t have had to walk away from.
I watched as Henry rolled down the hallway, briefly glancing at the family photos and personal trinkets decorating the walls.
Then, I followed and entered Henry’s room after him.
It, too, had pictures.
An old one of Mom’s with me and Henry.
In it, I was seven, and we were photographed outside in the snow.
Henry was moments away from flinging a snowball at me, and I had a cheeky grin on my face, as though I knew exactly how I was going to dodge that ball.
It was twenty-one years ago.
The silence stretched again.
Miserably.
“Why does something feel off?” I mused aloud.
He looked confused, but I bit my lip and remained quiet.
I couldn’t talk about Sean.
I wouldn’t.
“I passed the PMP exam, but I can’t even bring myself to attend the informal certificate-giving ceremony later today. I don’t want to do anything, to be honest.”
“I’m not surprised you passed. You’re nothing but the best at anything you choose to do. But it’s definitely been a while since we’ve been able to celebrate things properly.”
Henry rolled himself over to the window, his jaw tight.
When he finally turned to me, he looked troubled.
“As a kid,” Henry said, “you were always happy, no matter how demanding or unhappy the people around you were. Back then, you used to organize Dad’s work schedule so that he could be around to drive Mom to her doctor’s appointments, as well as find neighbors to watch over us if needed. You always surprised everyone with how mature and thoughtful you were. And I took your happiness for granted.”
Henry’s intense gaze was on me.
“Do you love him?” he asked out of the blue.
I turned to him in surprise.
Apart from mentioning that we’d broken up, I’d never brought up Sean in the past month because it was too painful to speak his name.
Henry had understood my silence on the subject and never pressed me for more.
I considered his question.
I thought back to the feelings that had risen in my chest every time I was with Sean.
I always felt a bunch of things around him, but one thing was pretty clear: I loved him.
“I did. I mean, I do.”
Henry’s expression was thoughtful.
I sat down on his bed.
“It’s been a month since I broke things off with Sean, and for every waking moment, it has felt like I made a horrible, horrible mistake.”
The moments stretched, only broken by the distant sound of a church bell ringing.
Eleven a.m.
As a child, Henry had loved early mornings, waking up at six a.m. and rousing the entire household with him.
Nowadays, he slept in more because of the side effects of his medicines.
“Henry, I need to be honest with you. When I told you I didn’t want to leave this apartment because of memories of Mom and Dad here, I lied. I didn’t want to join you in Boston because I didn’t want to leave Sean. I love him.”
He looked taken aback.
“Well, why didn’t you just say so?”
I stared at my hands.
“Because that was the first time I realized how strongly I felt about him. I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was that I didn’t want to leave him.”
He drew in a deep breath and nodded to himself, like he’d reached some sort of internal decision.
“Do you remember, Chloe, in the years after my accident, how much work you took on? Finding a job, accompanying me to my appointments, giving up on your dreams for dance school. At the end of it all, you used to take pride in how strong I was. Those were the words you said so often over the phone whenever people asked you about me.”
“I still am proud of you,” I responded.
He nodded slowly. “You’re my family, Chloe. My person. The one I can always depend on.”
That was true.
“Do you think you can depend on me, Chloe?”
I opened my mouth and then struggled for an answer.
Of course I could, but I was afraid to.
Afraid of asking more from him.
“That’s my answer right there,” he said after a few moments.
“I don’t need to depend on anyone, Henry,” I said.
“But I do?” he retorted.
“No.” I spoke hastily.
“You don’t need to depend on anyone either.”
“Good, just so we’re clear on that.” He rolled over to the table, where he pulled out his crumpled-up college admissions letter.
I frowned. Why was he still holding on to that?
“Because I changed my mind about this,” he said.
“I’m going.”
Stunned, I opened my mouth to let him know what I thought when he spoke again.
“Alone.”
I shut my mouth.
That had been unexpected.
“You can depend on me, Chloe. Right now. Today. But I can see it isn’t something that comes naturally to you. But I think that will change, especially when you see I can depend on myself first. I’m going to MIT, and I’ll do it alone.”
He gave me an appraising look while I was still speechless.
“Chloe, I know I can’t live with you forever,” he said at last, interpreting my silence correctly.
“And if you love Sean, you need to be with him, not me.”
I dragged my gaze up to his, my own eyes feeling heavy and pricking with tears.
“I can’t do what Dad did to you,” I whispered, my lower lip trembling.
That was my worst nightmare.
He shook his head. “You leaving now isn’t the same as what Dad did. Dad left mere months after my accident. When I was thirteen. That’s not the case anymore. I’m twenty-three. We’re both adults now. Both of us need to move on.”
I looked at Henry, at his tight jaw.
“I don’t need you anymore, Chloe.”
His words felt like a dagger to my heart.
For a second, I thought it was all a mistake.
Dad’s visit had messed with Henry’s mind.
I bit back the broken mix of emotions that filled my heart.
Anger and frustration flared in me as I looked away.
Henry took my hand in his.
The room fell silent for a moment, our emotions heavy in the air.
“Do you really need to be around me all the time, Chloe?” he choked out.
“After the night you spent at Sean’s and when I lost my temper, couldn’t you have talked to me before you ended things with Sean? Couldn’t you have trusted that I’d be okay even if I lost my temper? My anger was at Dad’s sudden appearance and the secret you’d kept from me and not the fact that you were out of sight and away.”
I turned to him, feeling conflicted.
“Chloe, we were young when Mom passed away. That and Dad leaving—it changed my outlook on life. I can’t accept that we didn’t grow up to be a typical family. If I couldn’t have a stable family growing up, then I had nothing else to hold on to. So, every time you try to go away, I tried to hold on to you even more because I was uncertain if I’d lose you too.”
“Well, you have me, but I haven’t been happy lately,” I said when a sudden realization hit me.
I had been caught up in my desire to give Henry a perfect life, but I hadn’t considered if I’d filled my cup with love and attention.
I remembered, just then, as a kid, I had hated attention or being admired.
It seemed like that hadn’t changed since I had grown up.
My need to give others my attention always outweighed my desire to receive.
“You know, Chloe, I’m not the only one who had to deal with Dad’s absence. Dad abandoned the two of us, pushing you to take on the role of a caretaker. You act like his absence hasn’t hurt you, but it has. You’re hurt and broken, and Sean was the first man who could make you feel truly loved and happy. It was so clear from the happiness on your face in the past few months that he made you feel love and affection—something you’d been so starved for all these years. Something I couldn’t give you—not the way Sean has.”
Henry was right.
I was unhappy. I loved Sean, and I was fucking unhappy without him.
How the hell had I walked away from him?
The man I loved. The man who didn’t know I loved him.
I paused, swallowing hard.
Going by how I’d told myself all these years that love shouldn’t matter and how hopeless I felt about Sean’s absence now, I was so wrong.
I had been unhappy at home a lot lately, even before Sean entered my life.
And I had been aware of it way before I could articulate it.
But that was nothing compared to how miserable I felt without Sean right now, and it had been only a month.
Was Sean unhappy too?
I had spent the past ten years trying to make sure Henry didn’t miss Dad for even a single second.
I’d tried to be all that Henry needed—a mom, a dad, and a sibling—and it was exhausting.
I couldn’t live like this again.
Not after I’d seen how easy and enjoyable my life could be with Sean in it.
My old life wouldn’t do anymore.
Besides, Henry didn’t need me to be all of those people.
He simply needed me to be happy Chloe.
I’d made a mistake after Sean asked me to move in with him.
I had chosen Henry out of guilt, even though my heart wanted Sean.
I would not let guilt drive me anymore.
I was done. My heart would do all the talking from here on because I was ready to choose to have Sean in my life.
What a fool I’d been by trying to separate my two lives.
“I have something to show you,” I said, my voice trembling as I reached for my phone for a photo of me and Sean.
It was one of the few we’d taken during our recent stolen dates.
I showed Henry more pictures, feeling embarrassed as I did so because so much had happened without him knowing.
My time biking with Lucas and Sean, and my visit to Erin’s shop.
Why hadn’t I shared these tidbits with Henry?
I had never pushed Sean to meet Henry, but Sean had voluntarily done it anyway.
He’d gotten to know Henry little by little while I tried my best to keep them away.
I had been breaking apart whatever little bond they were building.
Looking back, I now felt regret.
We stopped at a picture of Lucas and me flying his drone.
Sean had taken the picture, and I was giving Lucas a look of pure happiness.
Henry chuckled and took the phone in his hand for a closer look.
“Is that really you?”
I nodded.
“And that’s Sean’s son. And this,” I said, scrolling to a picture of Erin, “is Sean’s half-sister.” I took a deep breath.
“I’ve met Sean’s family, Henry. They like me. I want you to meet them too. Will you?”
“I want to,” he said firmly.
I walked over to his desk, where I picked up the familiar envelope that Henry had received recently in the mail.
My chest heaved as I took a deep breath.
I understood. He was going to Boston, away from me.
In my opinion, this was happening too soon.
He was asking for too much, too fast. But when was the right time for him to move on, anyway?
If not in his twenties, would I feel any better when he was in his thirties?
Or his forties?
No, Henry was right.
Staying away from Henry was a risk I’d have to take.
A possibility I’d have to face if I truly wanted Sean.
“I know Mom passed away, and we couldn’t stop that,” I said, realizing what I needed to do.
“But there’s still a way for you to make the rest of your childhood dreams come true,” I said, putting the envelope back in his hands.
“I’m glad you’re going to accept the admission. I’m glad you’re going to grad school, and if research is what your heart wants, I’m happy beyond words that you’re following it.”
I bent down and hugged him tight, and he hugged me back as tears rolled down my eyes.
We were losing our hold on each other, and my familiar emotions were not too far in the recesses of my mind—the hurt, the pain, the guilt.
But this time, I was determined to fight them.
My dear, dear brother.
I loved him too much, and I was going to miss him so much when he went away.
I pressed a kiss to his head and stood up.
His eyes looked misty, too, but he gave me his trademark cheery smile.
I walked over to his bedroom door.
I turned around with a last look at Henry.
“The Nichols siblings don’t always stick together, Chloe. Because that would mean giving up on our dreams.”
I smiled back at him.
“And we never give up.”