24. Spencer
CHAPTER 24
SPENCER
“I still don’t understand why no one wanted to watch House on the Bloodstained Hill ,” Poppy groans. “This is cheesy.”
“Horror movies don’t exactly scream girls’ night, Pops,” Ally calls from the kitchen.
“Whatever.” Poppy playfully rolls her big doe eyes. “It’s okay if you can’t hack it, Ally. Just admit it.” In an interesting turn of events, Poppy is an avid lover of horror and gore.
It’s not my cup of tea, either, but to be fair, though neither is the Hallmark rom-com Ally has decided on. Naturally, the opening shot is of a well-dressed woman, stumbling her way onto a train platform in what I can only assume is a small town where she will be stranded for the next hour and a half.
Ally joins us in the living room, handing each of us a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine. She flops down onto the worn sofa with a sigh that makes me think her belly might completely deflate.
“Just so you know, I officially hate you all for drinking around me right now.”
“When are you due, Ally?” my mother asks. I brought her along to our girls’ night because it felt wrong to leave her out when she doesn’t have anything else to do. Truth be told, I’m enjoying having her around now. She’s settled in here and even started making friends when Winnie invited her to weekly bridge at her house.
I’ve been trying not to get my hopes up, but I can’t help but think that this breakup might be different for her. She’s wearing the clothes she likes to wear again. She’s making her own friends here. She seems to be listening when people tell her that she can have a fulfilling life on her own.
Tonight is reminiscent of my favourite times growing up, rare as they were. We’d have girls’ nights like this occasionally, once she was able to get her life back in order post-breakup. Even then, I knew that girls’ nights were to be enjoyed in the moment, and that they would inevitably end when the next guy came around. I decided early on that I wouldn’t be like my mother, and that the women in my life would always come before any guy I was seeing. I stayed true to that. Despite my affinity for one-night stands and casual hook-ups, I never ever let a guy take me home from the bar if Ally was going to be left alone.
Things with my mom are different now, I can feel it in my bones. She’s changing.
“I’ll be thirty-four weeks tomorrow,” Ally answers. “But I feel like I’m going on sixty. Pregnancy feels so much longer when you find out about it right away.”
“It’ll be over in no time,” my mother consoles her. “Motherhood is like that. Everything goes by so fast. Don’t spend all your days just wishing for the next phase. You’ll look back and wish you had soaked it in more.”
I cock my head, listening to Marla talk about motherhood as if she’s Mother Mary herself feels like having an out-of-body experience. Ally flashes me a glare, recognizing that the look on my face is one that I make when I’m trying to stifle a scoff.
“What was your pregnancy like with Spencer?” Ally asks and I can’t hold it in any longer. This should be rich. I’m going through all the possible complaints, no booze … no Botox …
“It was magical,” she says wistfully. Well, that’s not what I was expecting. “The moment I found out about Spencer I was so excited. I felt like a mother the second I saw that positive result. I wasn’t working at the time. Spencer’s father made a good living, so I stayed at home. I spent my days in her nursery, decorating here and there, folding her tiny clothes so they were ready for her. Some days I would just sit on the floor and imagine how my life would change once she came.”
My eyes start burning, my mother’s admission reaching a deep part of me that I had long forgotten about, the little girl that desperately wanted to hear this. I swallow past the lump in my throat, staring into my wine glass as I swirl the liquid around.
“What was it like? When she arrived?” Ally asked again, glancing over at me knowingly. Ally knows what hearing this is doing to me, how it’s healing me.
“The first moment I looked at her, she felt like my best friend in the whole world. I felt like I had already known her for a lifetime. The first few days were hard. She cried and cried, didn’t want to be held. Didn’t want a soother. Nothing. I should have known then that she would grow up to be so stubborn and fiercely independent. But we figured it out, together. We had to. When Spencer’s father left a few months later, it was just her and I against the world. I had no idea what I was doing half the time. I was so young, barely an adult at that point. I didn’t have a good reference point. My parents weren’t around and were never healthy even when they were. I know I’ve made mistakes, but Spencer was the only thing that got me through. Her spark, her fire, that’s what inspired me to keep going when I felt like it was impossible.”
I’m still staring down into my glass, my heart cracking in two. She’s never told me about this time in her life, in my life, and now I’m realizing that I also never asked. I finally brave looking up at her from where I’m seated cross-legged on the floor. Her face has more lines in it than I remember, and in the dim light cast from the fireplace, she looks … human.
She’s peering back at me with watery eyes, and our gazes meet, a silent understanding passing between us. So many years of hurt and anger dissipating all at once.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get emotional,” she says. “All I mean to say, Ally, is that your life is going to change in ways you could never even imagine right now. For better and for worse. Remember, you are just one human, doing your very best with what you have, with what you were given. You just wake up each day and try again. You’ll make mistakes. But you’re already miles ahead of where I was at your age. So, the mistakes won’t be as big, and you’ll get through it.”
Ally doesn’t say anything, she just regards my mother, a contemplative smile on her lips, a gentle hand on her belly. Ally’s questions weren’t for her, anyway. Ally is going to be an amazing mother. All the things Marla wasn’t, and so much more. She knows babies, she’s trained for this. And Mason will be here to support her.
A few seconds of silence stretch out between the four of us, and then we turn our attention back to the movie. A scene is playing out where the woman bumps into a man that she had had a fling with the last time she was in town. He’s tall, dark and handsome as all Hallmark men are. Rough around the edges, the opposite of her in her Louboutin’s.
“What’s Grady up to tonight, Spence?” Ally asks, and I cock my head at her. What’s with all her questions?
“How should I know? I don’t keep tabs on what Grady does.” The words come out faster than I intended, my mouth suddenly going dry. I refuse to admit that I do know where he is. He’s started texting me when he’s out, keeping me updated on where he is and when he’ll be home. And I like it. It’s grounding, consistent. He’s working the bar tonight and gave Finn the night off. Something about a rec hockey game he has every week.
“Well, you’re basically living with him now, aren’t you?”
I am living with him for all intents and purposes. It’s been two weeks since I stayed out in the van. It’s not even a conscious decision anymore. I just go and get myself ready for bed in Grady’s ensuite like I’ve always lived there, and tuck myself into his bed as if I’ve always slept in it.
“I am not living with him. I’m staying with him while my mom is in town and has nowhere else to go. Very different things.”
Marla raises her eyebrows like she’s the only one aware of the lies. I flash her a withering glare, a warning to keep her mouth shut about anything that has transpired at Grady’s house.
“Grady would have no problem if you moved all your stuff in and declared that you were living there from then on. He’d probably sign over the deed to the house,” Poppy adds with a giggle. I forget that she grew up in Heartwood too, only a few years younger than Ally and me. She went to school with Jett, so she would know the Landrys better than I do at this point.
“That’s not how it is between us. We established rules very early on that we were just going to keep this strictly a sex thing,” I state.
“You gave him rules? Did you like, write them out and have him sign a contract or something?”Ally says it like it’s ridiculous, but maybe I should have, fuck. Maybe a legally binding document would have made sure we stuck to it.
“No, Ally. I’m not a sociopath. But yeah, I gave him rules. No relationships over here, remember? My heart is closed for the season. Possibly forever.”
“But your vagina isn’t.” Oh, so now my mother chimes in.
“Mom! What the fuck.” I shriek, covering my face with my hands.
“I’m just saying. I know what I hear through the floorboards.”
Poppy giggles even harder at that, and Ally’s jaw just about hits the floor. I feel my cheeks burn.
“I have needs, okay?” I defend. Needs that Grady satisfies a little too well. “I just don’t want to be tangled up in feelings for anyone. That’s when things get messy. That’s when you start making sacrifices, and I can’t do that.”
“Okay, let’s just put a pin in the rest of that for later. What are your rules?”Ally presses.
“We agreed on three, to start with. I added a few more because he started to cross some lines, and I had to nip it in the bud. Number one was one night only.” I start counting off the rules on my fingers. “Two was no strings attached. And three was …” My voice trails off, realizing that number three will be devastating to Ally. My mind spins trying to think of something to tell her. I could say we didn’t want to tell anyone. Yeah, I’ll say that.
“What was it?” she asks again. I glance around at Marla and Poppy, both waiting expectantly for my response.
“We don’t tell you,” I blurt. God, I’m a horrible liar. “What is in this wine?” I deflect, fanning my face to cool my hot cheeks.
“What the hell, Spencer!”
“I mean, you found out anyway … We clearly didn’t try very hard to keep it from you.”
“Yeah, but come on, we tell each other everything. Why did you think you couldn’t tell me?”
“God, Ally, look at you. You have this perfect life with this amazing man, you’re pregnant with his baby. This is what you’ve always wanted for yourself, and that’s amazing, I’m so happy for you. But you don’t think that maybe other people don’t want this. You’ve always been trying to set me up, and it always goes horribly wrong.”
“I do not!”
“Remember Todd Pringle?” I cringe.
“Oh. Yeah,” Ally concedes. “That was one time.”
“And Jeremy?” I say, referencing a date that Ally set me up on a couple years after high school. Some guy that she met in her biology class. That was a special one because it is simultaneously one of the worst dates I’ve ever experienced and one of my best anecdotes to tell at parties. “The guy sat facing away from me the entire dinner. He didn’t ask me one question and answered all of mine with one word. It was like he was terrified of women.”
“Okay fair enough. But Spencer, isn’t this what everyone wants?” She gestures at the cozy cabin around us. “I mean, not this exactly . Don’t get married and don’t have kids if you don’t want to, but wouldn’t you want a life where you aren’t running anymore? Where you aren’t fighting for your life to have something stable?”
“Yes. I do. That’s what I have been working towards. That’s why I need this job. Relationships are risky, Ally. You’re putting your life in someone else’s hands. I’ve worked too hard for far too long to throw it all away for some guy.” I catch the words as they come out of my mouth. Some guy . It’s how I would have described all the other guys I’ve been with, but it is not how I would describe Grady. In all honesty, that’s what makes the risk even scarier. I wouldn’t just be betting my livelihood now, I’d also be betting my heart.
“That’s where trust comes in. Do you trust Grady? I can tell you with absolute certainty that man would do anything for you,” Ally says. The word ‘trust’ snags on a memory I’ve tucked away. The day I asked Grady to trust me implicitly with his project. He extended his trust to me so easily, so why can’t I do the same?
Poppy nods in agreement with Ally, and I catch my mother doing the same. Great. They’re all ganging up on me now.
“This is girls’ night, not an intervention,” I remind them, excusing myself to refill my wine glass and hide the flush still staining my cheeks. If this is how tonight is going to go, I may as well just start drinking out of the bottle.
“It’s true though, Spencer. Just the other day, Grady came into the café and there was something … different about him. Like he was taller, if that’s physically possible. He wanted a bag of coffee beans, specifically ones with the most caffeine. He said if he couldn’t give you coffee in an IV drip, he could at least make sure the house was stocked with the best beans. So, I gave him my favourite blond roast.”
Fuck. Grady has broken the rules more times than I can even count.
“I also see the things he does for you around the house,” Marla chimes in again. “Yesterday I came upstairs and found him staring at your underwear, a puzzled look on his face because he had done laundry for you and was trying desperately to figure out how to fold them.”
Jesus. Doing my laundry and folding my underwear? That’s not even boyfriend shit, that’s like, husband-level shit at this point. I bite the inside of my bottom lip, contemplating how I might still be able to make a clean break without shattering Grady—or myself—to smithereens in the process. We’ve somehow become intertwined, connected in a way that I never intended on happening. Now the idea of leaving feels daunting. No, impossible. The thought of being away from Grady, being away from here, makes my heart ache.
My mind drifts back to this morning, being up in the hot air balloon with him. The exquisiteness of that moment, the warmth of the sun dawning on me. It found its way through the cracks and lit up the dark corners of my heart. That golden, healing light caressed my face as if to say, Today is a new day. You are a new you. As if I have the choice to wake up and choose the path for my life. It didn’t feel like a coincidence that the person standing next to me in that moment was Grady.
Then we landed, and the reality of my life snapped me out of whatever delusion I had let myself live in for that moment. I am choosing my path. I’m choosing the path that feels safe, where I have control, and I still have so much work to do.
Grady isn’t home when we get back. The house is quiet. I give my mom a hug when we say goodnight and hold onto her a little longer, a little tighter than normal. She looks back at me, her eyes misty, before retreating down the stairs to the guest suite.
There’s a note on the counter when I go upstairs and into the kitchen for a glass of water.
Won’t be home until late. Feel free to enjoy some “self-care” in the meantime … You deserve it.
I have a feeling I know what’s waiting for me in the bedroom, but a flutter of excitement still ripples through my chest when I see it. Grady has left me a box of bath bombs, and a vibrator. One of the little ones that’s designed to apply suction precisely where you want it.
But his words lodge in my chest, emptying me from within. You deserve it.
I don’t deserve anything, certainly not Grady.
First the dress, then the camera, and now this. If he’s trying to win me over with gifts, I should tell him that he doesn’t have to. My heart is already his, and I’m going to have to rip it out so he can keep it when I leave. That’s what I deserve. I deserve to feel every bit as broken-hearted as I know he will.
I’m in and out of sleep after having a relaxing bubble bath, half aware of the front door opening sometime after midnight, the sound of Grady’s movements through the quiet house soothing, comforting. I feel my body slacken into the mattress, relieved that he’s home.
He shuffles around the kitchen before padding down the hall to the bedroom. I turn over, curling the duvet up under my chin and drifting off momentarily when Grady leans over me. He brushes my hair off my face and leans down to place a featherlight kiss on my forehead. I’m about to turn over, to pull him into me, when he whispers into the dark.
“I love you.”
I keep my eyes shut tight and pray that he can’t hear the way my heart is thundering in my chest.
I wake up early, before the sun starts to stream through the curtains, and silently make my way out the front door. I let it gently click behind me, and pull my hood up around my neck against the damp chill of the morning. The sky is just starting to brighten, the sun not quite visible over the mountains, leaving the town cold in their shadow.
I get into Grady’s car using the key I took off the hook by the front door. My eyes catch on something that wasn’t there before. A little hula girl on the dash. I know Grady put her there for me, and it tugs on my heart thinking about him going to pick it out.
I turn the key in the ignition, and Grady’s car rumbles to life. I wince a bit, hoping that the noise isn’t enough to wake him. He was still asleep when I left, and I hope he’ll still be asleep when I get home.
The streets of Heartwood are becoming familiar to me now, especially this route. I would know my way to Ally’s even if she lived halfway around the world. She’s the one person I will always find my way back to. Except now, I think that statement is true about Grady as well. A feeling nags at the back of my mind, that this is part of what I’ll be missing out on when I leave. The ability to just go over to Ally’s on a Sunday morning.
Ally answers the door when I knock on it, pulling a plush robe around her swollen belly. Her blue-green eyes are still sleepy, strawberry blond hair unbrushed and wild instead of in her usual tidy ponytail.
“Spencer? What time is it?” she says in a hushed voice, glancing back over her shoulder to where Mason is still in bed, his soft snoring audible from here.
“Early.” Not as early as when I woke up. I haven’t been able to sleep for the last few hours. Ever since Grady came home and uttered those three little words, I tossed and turned. Sleep evaded me until all I could do was get up and come here. “Can we go for a walk or something?” I bounce on the balls of my feet.
“I just woke up. I’m not dressed yet.” Ally gestures at her robe, before giving in with a sigh. “Okay, fine. Give me ten minutes. Then we’re going to Poppy’s for coffee. I get to have one cup a day and I have a feeling I’m going to need it.”
“Duh,” I say, rubbing my hands together, half because of this jittery feeling I haven’t been able to shake, and half to ward off the chill of the morning.
Ally closes the door, leaving me out on the front porch, and re-emerges wearing leggings and an oversized hoody, her hair thrown up into her signature ponytail secured with a lavender scrunchie.
“I hope you feel at least a little bit guilty about dragging a pregnant lady out of bed.”
“Walking is good for the pelvic floor, isn’t that what you said when you dragged me to the Little League game?” I say. Ally groans and rolls her eyes.
“Ugh. Yes. You’re right,” she says as we make our way into the town centre towards Thistle + Thorne. It’s early, but not so early that Poppy won’t at least be there, getting the first pot ready for the day. She’ll let us in if we knock, and we’ll be rewarded with the first fresh cup. “So, tell me why we’re out here?”
“Don’t you want coffee first?” I stall. “I think I need coffee before I can form a coherent sentence.”
As expected, the sign on the door is flipped to Closed , but Poppy is behind the counter, scooping espresso beans into the hopper. Her face alights when she sees us at the door and she drops the bag, letting a few beans scatter to the floor as she comes over to let us in.
“I didn’t expect to see you gals so early!” Poppy says in her sing-song way, her lashes batting behind her dark bangs.
“You can thank this one,” Ally grumbles, pointing at me with her thumb and pushing her way through the door with an eye roll. She beelines for the two armchairs by the window and flops down one.
“The coffee just finished brewing. I take it you’re desperate.” Poppy scurries off behind the counter and pours the steaming, life-giving liquid into three mismatched ceramic mugs before joining us. She leans on the arm of Ally’s chair.
I take an extended sip of my coffee before setting the cup down on the table. When I look up, they’re both staring at me, expectantly.
“Okay. Do you want the bad news, or the bad news?” I sigh.
“Just spit it out, Spencer,” Ally chides.
“Bad news number one, I’m officially a piece of human garbage. Number two, I’m completely and utterly fucked.”
Poppy flashes me an almost pitying look. Ally doesn’t. Ally can see right through my bullshit.
“You’re going to have to give me more than that,”she deadpans.
“I have feelings ,” I say, as if the feelings that I’m referring to should be obvious to everyone around me, but I’m met with confused looks. “Feelings. I have feelings. For Grady.”
Ally sits back in her chair, a smug look now replacing her questioning stare.
“To quote you this morning: ‘duh,’” she says, and Poppy laughs as if this whole situation is funny. This is not funny. This is catastrophic. This was never supposed to happen. “What I want to know is why this is bad news.”
“I’m leaving, Ally. I have to. My landlord sent me an e-mail saying I can no longer sublet my place. Which means I either get this job so I can pay my rent or … I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m so close to getting this job. The council meeting is tomorrow, and then Mile High will see what I can do for them. Once I get this job, I’ll be gone.”I steel myself against the warring feelings within me. My heart wants to stay, but isn’t that what my mother has always done? Followed her heart? And where did that get her? She’s been kicked to the curb, broken-hearted more times than she can count.
“Leaving has never bothered you before. You’ve been with guys all around the world and have left every single one of them behind,” Ally notes. She knows this time is different, she just wants me to be the one to say it. She wants me to admit that my boyfriend boycott failed. Crashed and burned.
“Ripping the Band-Aid off will be harder this time. He said it,” I say.
“Said what?” Poppy asks.
“ It . The L-word. I don’t know if he meant for me to hear it.” I’m talking a mile a minute. I’m freaking the fuck out. Not because he said it, but because if I wasn’t pretending to be asleep, I might have said it back. Everything in me wanted to say it back. I didn’t think I’d have to make a rule against saying ‘I love you’ because I thought that was implied, but apparently, I should have. I should have had a goddamned contract lawyer review my rules. There were so. Many. Loopholes. “He thought I was sleeping, and he came home after work, gave me a kiss and whispered it. I love you.”
The moment had felt so tender, so intimate. So fucking terrifying.
“How do you feel?” Ally asks as if that’s the easiest question in the world to answer. Like she just asked me what I ate for breakfast this morning. Which was nothing, because the thought of eating anything for breakfast made me feel like puking.
“I have no clue.” It’s not necessarily a lie. If anything, it’s the most truthful I can be right now. I know how I feel about Grady, but I also know how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am. My heart is torn in two. “The thought of losing everything I’ve worked toward is terrifying. This life is everything I’ve ever wanted. I did this. I created the life I’ve always dreamt of.”
“I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re scared because this is the first time that leaving isn’t what you want. You’re just afraid of the alternative. The risk of doing something different. Of relinquishing some of your control.”
“I can’t stay.” I breathe. “You know I can’t, Ally. I’ve come so far from where I started. I’ve built a life that I can trust because I’m only reliant on me.”
“Can you trust it? Your landlord just pulled the rug out from underneath you. You’re trying to convince these corporate suits at Mile High that you’re good enough for them, but ultimately, the decision is still up to them. You can’t control everything, and trying will just make you crazy. You’re gripping life so tight in your fists, white-knuckling everything all the time. Open your hands, Spencer. Maybe then they’ll be ready to receive something great.”
My world spins for a moment, reeling from what Ally just said. I don’t have time to fully process what this means about my life choices before my phone vibrates.
GRADY
Where did you go? There’s breakfast here waiting for you.
Then in another message:
We’re still good to work on the speech today? Eleanor sent me the agenda for tomorrow’s meeting … I forwarded it to your e-mail.
I click open the unread e-mail and scan the document that’s attached. Eleanor was obviously trying to give Grady a heads-up about what’s to come at the public hearing tomorrow. My gut clenches as I read through the list of speakers who have plans to come forward. Grady’s name is at the bottom of the list of several high-powered people that Carter has rallied. I’m sure they all have complicated, impressive spreadsheets outlining just how much money they’ll be bringing to Heartwood if they can sink their claws into the local economy. Nausea roils in my gut. I need this to work, I need this win. And the hurdle just got a lot bigger.