Chapter Nine
Felix
As I sat on my bed, I reflected over the last month.
Renovations finished? Check.
Decorations completed? Check.
Wedding date set? Check.
My heightened state of stress had my stomach continuously in knots. I’d assumed Josette would want an extended engagement period. She didn’t. Heck, I couldn’t even pinpoint the moment we’d agreed on a wedding date. She just told me to show up on the first Saturday of August. My tuxedo sat on a hanger in the closet. With all my other clothes. Today was the last Sunday in July. The day of our engagement party.
Josie had yet to move her things into the house. Something about superstition…I thought…? Everything just seemed to pass me by these days. Wally had insisted we go out for a bachelor party last night. When Ben, my teaching friend, found me in the bathroom throwing up, he and Isaac, his husband, shepherded me home. Wally, Jacob, and the other guys had stayed at the Springs Brew Pub to, apparently, close the place down. Meanwhile, Ben coaxed me into bed and Isaac made some kind of special tea with ginger to calm my stomach.
I’m having an engagement party today. Except that hadn’t really sunk in. I’d spent the last month getting the house organized, but Josie kept me away from wedding-planning stuff. I probably should’ve cared. But I hadn’t.
A knock on the bedroom door caught me by surprise. I rarely closed the door since I was the only one living here, but probably Ben and Isaac had done it before they’d left. And my front door was likely unlocked as well, although that wasn’t much of a concern in these parts. “Uh, come in.”
The door opened slowly, and a blonde head popped around the corner.
My breath caught until I realized Josette had come.
And my stomach clenched when I acknowledged, if only to myself, that I’d really hoped it was going to be the other Fogal.
One month. Of longing, pining, and knowing it would never happen. One month of wishing I could be the man Josie needed, while knowing I should be backing out of this arrangement. Thirty days of struggling over the fact that not only was I gay—that’d been pretty obvious in retrospect—but that I was in love with my fiancée’s older brother. That hadn’t been so clear in my mind until the moment I’d landed on top of him, after admittedly tackling him, and knowing—in my gut—that I was meant to be with him.
Josette blinked several times. “You’re not okay, are you?”
I managed to push off the bed. “I’m fine. The party’s not for a couple of hours, right?” I glanced at the clock radio. Had I messed up the time?
“You’re right, it’s not for a bit.” She bit her lower lip.
My stomach twisted. Did she know? Had she figured out how I felt? How I wanted Jacob and not her?
“We need to talk.” She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.
“Right.” And because breaking down into tears wasn’t an option, I stepped toward her.
She held up her hand.
I halted.
“What I have to say…it’s going to hurt you, Felix, and I’m more sorry than I can say about that.”
My mind raced. How could she hurt me? I was the one who wasn’t in love with her. I loved her—with all my heart—but I wasn’t in love with her. Not remotely like what I felt for Jacob, and wasn’t that just a kick to the balls? More effective of a libido killer than summarily being pushed off someone while you were finally enjoying an erection brought on by them. We’d spent the last month pretending it’d never happened.
I’d never forget, though.
Her obvious distress pulled me from my own spiraling thoughts. “It’s okay if you hurt me. I’m a big boy. I just hate seeing you like this.”
More biting of her lower lip. “I’m leaving.”
“Okay.” My mind raced. “But you’ll be back for the wedding, right?”
She motioned her hand in a so-so gesture. Her blonde hair swung lightly around her heart-achingly beautiful face. “No, Felix, I’m going for good. Well, not forever. I don’t think. Although I can’t be certain. So…maybe…?”
“Josette, what’s going on?”
“I sent my portfolio to a count in Europe. Swear to God, an actual count.”
Okay, that sounded fishier than hell, but I didn’t stop her.
“And he liked my work. So much he’s invited me to his castle in Romania, and I’m going to redesign the interior.”
I arched an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure there isn’t nobility left in Romania.” I didn’t actually know this, but my gut told me this was a ruse. A quick internet search, though, would clear everything else up.
“Well, it isn’t actually a title, at this point. But his family’s owned the castle for hundreds of years, and it used to be entitled.”
“Okay.” I waved my hand. “Let’s say this is legit—”
“I have a contract.”
“That I hope you showed a lawyer.”
“I did. My friend Susan’s dad is a corporate lawyer. He looked it over and then talked to someone really important in Europe. The deposit has already been put into my account.”
What the hell is going on? I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. “So you’re just jetting off to Europe? To be with some old dude and to make his castle look spiffy?”
She blinked. “I thought you believed in my talent.”
I snagged her hand. “Of course I do. You know I do.” I gestured around the room, attempting to encompass the entire house. “I love what you’ve done here, Josie. You made this old derelict place into a home.”
Well, you and Jacob.
Wrong thought.
I took a deep breath. “So this Romania thing is legit?”
She nodded. Then opened her mouth, almost spoke, then closed it again.
“Just say it, Josette. Better I know now than find out later.”
“Well, uh…” She winced. “He’s not exactly old.”
I arched an eyebrow.
“He’s about Jacob’s age.”
So just a handful of years older than us. “Are you attracted to him?”
She blushed pink. “Of course not. That would be wildly inappropriate.”
More inappropriate than her flying to Europe and staying with this guy while she decorated his house? I couldn’t wrap my mind around this.
“Okay. So we’ll put off the engagement. If you’re not back by—”
“I’m not marrying you, Felix.”
My stomach dropped out, a feeling of dread overtaking me. “We promised our mothers.”
She blinked. “I know.” She scrubbed her face. “Okay, so maybe I can turn him down. Or…like you said…come back after I’m done. You’d be willing to wait?”
In that instant, I knew. I saw both her life and mine clearly—our futures—and the worlds didn’t intersect. She wasn’t meant for small-town living in a rustic cabin with me. I wasn’t meant to pine over her and wait for her to come home. I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’d wait, Josette. But that’s not really what you want. You might not stay in Europe, but we both know your talents would be wasted in Mission City. You’re destined for greater things—and I think we both need to acknowledge that.”
She blinked, as if bringing me into focus. “You’re relieved.”
Now I winced. “Never doubt that I love you, okay? But I love you like a best friend. Not as a man should love a woman. Not as a husband would love his wife. I’d have done right by you. Never question that, okay? Yet…you’re right.” Possibly the hardest words I’d ever uttered.
“Oh, Felix.”
She held her arms open, and I stepped into her embrace. Like coming home. Like I felt when my mom or Aunt Linda held me. Protected and treasured.
Eventually, I pulled back. I smiled as I swiped at her tears.
She bit her lower lip. Then she ventured to speak. "What would you do if I moved away?"
“Uh…”
“Be honest, Felix.” Her blue eyes held a wariness.
Go for it. “There’s a guy…”
She nodded as if she’d expected this response. As if she’d known I was gay. Might that be part of why she was headed to Europe? Because she’d known we were never going to be compatible?
“I didn’t know I was gay. Or that I am gay. Or that I might be gay.”
After a moment, she pressed a finger to my lips. “I have to say I’m not surprised.”
“Because we haven’t made out?”
She smiled kindly. “Because you’ve never looked at me that way. And I appreciate you would’ve married me and we would’ve had kids and life would’ve been amazing, but that’s not what we were destined for.”
“Is this count going to treat you right? Like the precious and wonderful person you are?”
“Of course.”
Yet I caught a flicker of uncertainty in those blue orbs. She wasn’t one-hundred percent certain. But she was going anyway.
She grabbed my hand. “So there’s a guy?”
I winced. “Well, I tried to, um…”
“And he rejected you?” She squeezed tightly.
“Possibly because I was engaged to you.” Past tense. We were no longer obliged to each other. Didn’t mean Jacob would come running over here and proclaim his undying love to me. But I was allowed to dream…right?
She blinked. Several times. Not as in trying to keep herself from crying, but as in trying to bring something into focus. “Jacob?” Her voice might’ve gone a little high on her brother’s name.
Heat raced up my chest and into my cheeks.
“And he rejected you.” Now she sounded pissed.
“In fairness to him, he’s your brother. He knew the date was pretty much set.”
“How long ago?”
“Like…a month?”
She again squeezed my hand, this time, painfully. “You are two of the most stubborn, pigheaded—”
“Hey.” I needed to stop her. I didn’t mind being called those things—because I could be—but I didn’t want to hear her criticizing her own brother.
The man you love.
Well, yeah, that was true.
She tapped her toes. “So, if not for our moms, and their obsession with us getting married, would you be sitting here considering marrying me?”
I closed my eyes. “Probably not.”
“And if Jacob were here right now, asking you to be with him, would you?”
“He won’t.”
“Not the question, Felix.”
A choked laugh escaped me. “Would I turn him down if he asked me to go out with him? Absolutely not. Will he ever do it? Absolutely not. Josette, he made his feelings crystal clear.”
“Because he was being my stubborn older brother.”
Given I had a stubborn older brother, I couldn’t argue that Jacob was as bad as Wally.
“Okay, I want you to stay here.”
“Why? Don’t we have an engagement party?”
“I’m going to call it off.”
Relief like I’d never known rushed through me. “Okay.” Then guilt beset me. “Shouldn’t I, you know, help or something?” Like, be there to support her? Let everyone know I was happy for her.
She shook her head. “Leave this to me.”
That didn’t sit right with me, but I’d leave the decision up to her. My entire life, I’d been deferring to her. Why stop now?
She pulled me in for a hug.
We were close in size, and she felt right in my arms. As a friend. As a confidante. As someone I’d always care for, but never love romantically.
After she’d left, I flopped onto my bed, then curled into a little ball. The great debate of whether or not to turn off my phone didn’t even materialize as I slipped into the sleep that had eluded me for the past month.