Mr. Second Best
(EXCERPT)
One and a half years earlier
Melanie
“I’d almost forgotten what you smelled like,” I say to the gray sports coat draped across my lap. The subtle aroma of Jake’s favorite cologne still lingers upon the expensive material. Looking up and about the small space, I take in my husband’s clothes. I rarely saw him dressed in a suit unless it was for a work function. What a waste. That man knew how to rock a suit.
It’s taken me six months to get here. The few short feet from my closet to his. Six months since he left us. But I wasn’t ready. Truthfully, I’m still not. But I’m trying to force myself to take baby steps.
The next thing to go is the bed. The frequent washing of linens has removed Jake’s once lingering scent. Now it’s simply the torture chamber where I lay my head as I try to sleep. It’s time I donate this and try to reclaim restful slumber.
I’m careful not to remove too much of Jake too quickly. My children need the comfort of his things around them. And to a certain extent, I do too. But there’s a fine line where it’s almost painful. It’s a constant reminder of all we’ve lost. Then it doesn’t take long before the guilt settles back in. And I can’t keep feeding that. My kids deserve more from me.
Try as I might, I haven’t been able to make peace with how it happened. That senseless accident resulted from bad weather and road rage. Losing Jake was hard enough, but the bitterness that he died arguing with an ex-friend before taking to the road is the glue that won’t let me move on. That and the shame at what I’d said to him.
I’m mad at everyone involved. Including him. How could he have put himself in that situation? In any situation, that would’ve taken him from his family.
“Mel, you here?” I jump at Huggie’s voice bellowing from downstairs. He’s had a key for years but is usually very respectful about using it. Jake may have just given it to him since he was here so often. It comforts me that Huggie can be here at a moment’s notice to help if something happens.
“I’m upstairs.”
Moments later, my sweet friend looks down at me as I sit on the floor of Jake’s closet, several of my husband’s things folded and stacked next to me. “Here you are. What’re you doing?”
“It was time.” I shrug.
The six-foot-two muscled firefighter lowers himself onto the closet floor and mimics my stance as I sit crisscross applesauce, almost making me smile. “You need any help?”
This man has been my rock. The night he came to my door will permanently be etched in my mind. I was already reeling from the day’s events. Angry that Jake had disappointed Seth. Mad he hadn’t called. Then anxious about confronting him at the bar. So my mind instantly jumped to what I thought was the worst-case scenario. What I’d give to trade our current situation for the possibility of a marital separation.
I can still hear Huggie pleading with me to understand what happened.
“Mel. He was in an accident. I’m so sorry.”
“What? What are you saying?”
“I don’t know all of the details. But Kat and Nick were leaving The Sports Page, and the weather was bad. They came upon an accident. When they identified the drivers, it was Mark Snow and Jake. Nick found him. There was nothing they could do.”
I remember his body engulfing me as I sobbed. Utterly speechless. I didn’t ask many questions about what had happened until later, too overcome by grief. It wasn’t until right before the funeral that I discovered that Jake and Mark had been arguing, and road rage played a part.
Mark had been a friend for years until his actions caused a split from the rest of our group. Why he chose to be there that night, I’ll never know. He knew his presence wasn’t wanted. He’d done too much to shatter friendships, and we’d all kept our distance.
I don’t understand where the case against Mark is these many months later. While he’d survived the accident, he’s been in and out of rehabilitation due to a spinal cord injury he suffered because of it. I try to make regular visits to our friend Munish’s office. He’s been looking into the case pro bono. However, if it becomes a civil case, that will change. For now, I’m simply grateful for his input. He loved Jake too. And I trust him.
Some days I’m filled with rage at how my life has changed. I want Mark to pay for what he’s done to our family. Other times, I’m so filled with self-loathing over my behavior that fateful day that I feel the only guilty party is me.
“What are you planning to do with all of this?” Huggie asks, interrupting my thoughts.
“Donate it.” I immediately regret being so insensitive. “Huggie, I’m sorry. I never thought to ask before. Was there anything you wanted?” His eyes flash to meet mine, and I witness an odd grimace.
“No, Mel. Jake was my best friend.” He stops speaking and runs his hand along the sleeve of the sports coat draped across my lap. “What I want, I can’t have.”
I get it. I want him back, too.
“I dropped by because the station is having a pancake dinner tonight. It’s the yearly fundraiser. I wanted to see if you and the kids wanted to come.”
“Oh, that’s right. The kids would love that. Pancakes for dinner would be enough on its own, but add eating them at the fire station…” I force a laugh. Looking at the oversized closet, I know I’ll never put a dent in this if I go.
“I can take Seth and Ruby. Give you some time to take care of this without them.”
“Oh, Huggie, really? Now that I’ve started, I don’t want to drag this out. And honestly, I don’t want them to see what I’m doing. This is hard enough on me.”
“Mel. I get it. I’ll pick them up from school and take them to the station to help set up for tonight.”
“Oh my gosh. Seth will be happier than a pig in slop.” I actually giggle. The sound surprises me as it passes my lips.
“I’ve missed that,” he says, staring down at his hands.
“What?”
“Hearing you laugh.” Huggie wraps his large, warm hand over mine. He possesses a unique warmth I don’t feel from others. Probably because he’s still grieving too. “We’ll get through this, Melanie.”
Flipping my hand over, I give him a gentle squeeze. “I don’t know what I would’ve done… between planning the funeral and helping with the kids, I wouldn’t have survived without you.”
“Mel. You guys mean everything to me. After my mom died, and I became estranged from my dad… well, I think I adopted you guys as my family whether you liked it or not.” Lifting my hand to his mouth, he gently kisses my knuckles before rubbing the area with his left hand. An odd current remains, like a tiny synapse gathering energy beneath my skin. My eyes snap up to meet his, finding he’s still looking at my hand. Had he felt it too?
“Okay, I better head out if I’m going to get the kids. Good luck with this. Leave everything here once you’ve packed it. I’ll take it wherever you want it to go.”
“Thanks,” I respond, feeling a little off-kilter. I’m sure it’s the impending doom of what lies before me. This isn’t going to be easy.
“I should be back with the kids around eight.”
“Okay.”
And with that, he stands and gives me a kind smile before walking away.
Huggie
“Uncle Huggie, what’re you doing here?” Ruby shrieks as she charges at me from down the school hallway.
I’d decided to pick the kids up from school so Melanie could have as much time as needed. Nothing about packing away Jake’s things can be easy. Hell, planning the funeral was hard enough. I can’t imagine how difficult it’d be to sort through his belongings.
“I have a surprise for you. But let’s wait for Seth─”
I’ve no sooner uttered his name when I see him round the corner. He smiles wide as soon as he makes eye contact with Ruby and me. It softens my battered heart to know I can make these two happy. Even if only for a few hours.
“Hey, what’re you doing here?”
“Well, I wanted to see if you’d be interested in having pancakes for dinner.”
“Wow, really? And Mom’s okay with it?” Ruby blurts.
“Okay with it. It was partly her idea.” So it’s a little white lie. She was on board once I mentioned it. “It’s our annual pancake dinner fundraiser at the station.”
“We get to eat pancakes for dinner at the firehouse?” Seth beams. Melanie was right. Happier than a pig in slop.
“Yes.”
The two of them start jumping up and down, and I suddenly feel like Santa Claus.
“Is Mommy meeting us there?” Ruby asks.
“No, Rubs. Your mom’s doing some things at the house.” My heart squeezes as a look of disappointment crosses her previously happy face. I’m sure she’s worried her mom is regressing.
Melanie had a tough time pulling through after Jake’s death. I’ve never seen a case of clinical depression up close and personal, but that had to be it. It took some work shielding the kids from the worst moments of her despair. She still has a way to go, yet she’s getting better every day. A sense of pride fills my chest at the thought.
Bending down, I lift Ruby’s chin. “I told her you’d make a pancake stack for her to go.”
“Oh, yes. I will.” She claps, returning to the vicarious child I adore.
Dropping an arm around their shoulders and steering them toward my truck, I add, “I hope you don’t mind, Seth. I told the guys you’d help us in the kitchen.”
His look of pure adoration makes me feel ten feet tall. I’ve given up on the idea of having kids of my own one day. But I don’t mind renting these two from time to time if it can make me feel like this.
* * *
“Seth, we need more pancakes. Can you get Jamie to slap some on a serving tray and bring ’em over here?” I yell.
“I’m on it,” he shouts back with a huge smile. That kid. His cheeks are going to hurt tomorrow.
“It’s really good what you’re doing, kiddo,” Wilson says as he pats me on the back.
“What? Chopping fruit?” I snicker.
“You know exactly what I mean.” Wilson is one of the older firefighters at our station.
“Well, they’re practically my godchildren. If any of us was catholic.” I chuckle.
Wilson simply shakes his head.
“Besides, I’ve started training him early to be a future fire fighter. I’m pretty sure we knew his career choice once he had his fourth birthday party in a row here. And we can use all of the recruits we can get.”
As I finish my statement, I notice Ruby standing before me, her face appearing downtrodden. “What’s the matter, Rubs? That’s not the look I saw a few minutes ago. Do you have a tummy ache?”
“No. It was something you said.”
Holy shit. What on earth did I say? Had she overheard me saying something to Wilson that she could’ve taken the wrong way? Darting around the counter, I scoop her up and carry her into a quieter area of the fire station. “Don’t be sad, Rubs. What did I say that made you upset?”
“Stephanie invited me to a birthday party.”
I look at her in confusion. How is this something to be sad about?
“It’s at the petting zoo.”
I try to prod her gently for answers. “Are you afraid of the animals?”
“No,” she answers with a bit of a giggle. Well, at least that’s an improvement.
“Are you allergic to animals?”
“No.”
“Do you secretly want to be one of the animals?” I ask with my voice low.
“No!” She laughs out loud this time.
“Then what is it? That party sounds like loads of fun.”
“I’ve never been to a petting zoo without Daddy.”
It’s as if someone rammed that cutting knife I’d been using on the cantaloupe straight through my chest. This poor kid. “Ruby, I wish I could tell you why bad things happen, why we had to lose your dad. But I know he’d be disappointed if you didn’t go to that petting zoo party.”
“I feel like it would hurt his feelings to go without him.” Her little pout is killing me. But at least there aren’t any tears.
Sitting down, I place her in my lap and continue carefully. “I bet it is hard to think of going without your dad when your memories are so special. But I don’t think you’re going without him.”
She looks at me as if I’ve lost my marbles. Maybe I have. I’m not sure that I’m cut out for these conversations.
“I feel your dad’s spirit around me all the time. Especially when I’m doing something we liked to do together.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I believe he’s still here with us. He’d be sad if you didn’t go because he couldn’t be here. Let him enjoy watching you.”
“Huggie? Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Will you come with me?”
“If I’m not working. I’d love to come,” I say, pulling her in for a big squeeze. “Thank you.”
Her smile returns for only a moment before looking up at me with a serious expression. “Can I ask you something else?”
“Hit me,” I say, tickling her ribs.
“Why did your parents name you Huggie?”
I can’t help but snort. “They didn’t. My name is George.”
Her face scrunches up adorably, and I can’t stop laughing.
“My name is George Hughes. Everyone at the rescue squad started calling me Huggie instead of Hughes. You know, I think your dad probably gave me the name, now that I think about it.” I return to tickling her and am relieved when she lets out a full-on belly laugh that melts my heart. “I better stop this before I’m wearing your pancakes. Speaking of which, have you made the stack to take home to your mom?” Looking down at my watch, I realize we’ll have to head out soon so they will have time for baths before bed.
“No. I’ll make it right now,” she answers, jumping from my lap and pulling my arm toward the kitchen.
Suddenly, it hits me. “Did you two have any homework tonight?”
“Nah. I have a class project coming up soon, but my teacher doesn’t give a lot of homework.”
That’s a relief.
“But you might want to ask Seth. He got ‘Homework Hildegard’ this year.”
I can’t help but chuckle. “Who’s Homework Hildegard?”
“She’s the toughest teacher in the whole world. And she gives out the most homework. No one ever wants to get her.”
Uh oh.
* * *
“Seth, Ruby is making your mom’s pancake stack. Any chance you can make her one too?”
He gives me a questioning look, wondering why they both need to make them.
“Just trust me on this,” I add.
“Okay.”
“Oh, and did you have homework tonight you should’ve been doing? I don’t want you to get into trouble at school because I picked you up and brought you here instead of doing your assignments. Ruby told me about Hildegard.”
Seth laughs. “No. I try to start all of my assignments during lunch, so I don’t have as much to do when I get home. So I can help Mom out.”
This kid.
“I think Miss Hooker gets a bad rap. I like her. She’s a good teacher, and her assignments aren’t hard. I’ve learned a lot in there.”
“Your teacher’s name is Hildegard Hooker?”
“Yeah.” He snickers.
“Who names their kid that?” I ask, flabbergasted. That’s probably what Ruby was thinking about my parents earlier.
“I just call her hot.” My mouth drops open as he waggles his brows at me. Holy shit.
I give him a playful shove. “That’s why you don’t mind doing the assignments. Because she’s Hot Homework Hildegard.”
His cheeks turn rosy, and I know I’ve nailed it.
“Ha!” I guffaw.
“Uncle Huggie, I’ve got Mom’s pancakes. Are you ready to go?”
I look at Ruby, who’s holding a white box. “Your brother’s going to make a stack for her too. Can I see yours?”
Seth and I are greeted with an immense look of pride as she opens the takeaway container. Inside is a meal worthy of a diabetic coma. Four large slapjacks topped with whipped cream, sprinkles, and chocolate syrup dripping down their edges lie within the box.
“What, no butter?” I tease.
She starts to close the lid and turn when I grab her arm. “I’m teasing, Rub. She’s going to love it. Grab your stack, Seth,” I say, turning my head so only he can see me mouth the words, only pancakes .
A smile crosses his face, but he loves his sister too much to give us away.
“We’ll meet you at the car,” I say, grabbing some fruit from the countertop.
* * *
“We’re here!” Seth shouts from the front door.
“And we brought a surprise for you,” Ruby adds in a sing-song voice.
I place the takeout containers on the kitchen island as the kids search for their mother.
“She’s in the shower,” Seth says.
“Not a bad idea,” I answer, looking at the clock on the microwave. “It’s getting late. Why don’t you two go get showered, and we can show Mom what you brought for her after you guys are all done?”
“Okay,” they answer before scurrying up the steps. “Seth, can you help run Ruby’s bath for her?”
“I do that almost every night,” he belts from the top of the stairs.
I shake my head, full of pride. Proud of how these two have handled all life’s thrown at them. Jake would be proud too. Reaching for the refrigerator door, I open it and look for a drink to go with Melanie’s meal. I’m tempted to grab the Pinot Grigio and chuckle.
“What’s so funny?”
I close the refrigerator door, and the smile instantly falls from my face. Her eyes are pink and puffy, and I know she’s been crying. “Mel,” I say, wanting desperately to hold her. “You okay?”
“Yeah. It was just a lot. Thank you for taking the kids.”
“We had a great time. They’re getting cleaned up for bed. Don’t peek in the containers until they get back, or they’ll be disappointed.”
She walks over to where I’ve started unpacking the sack containing her meal options along with a side of fruit. I have to temper my reaction when she wraps her arms around my chest.
It’s been twenty years.
Twenty years of loving her from afar.
Twenty years of wanting her to touch me.
And twenty long years of knowing it will never happen for us.
Other than losing my mother, Jake’s death is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. Beyond grieving the death of my best friend, having to break the news to Melanie and the kids nearly broke me. Yet as gut wrenching as it was, there was no way I was allowing some police officer to tell her Jake was gone.
Planning his funeral was tough. However, watching the woman I adored slip into a depression I couldn’t rescue her from was worse. I wanted to comfort her, but needed to constantly remind myself to respect the boundaries of our friendship.
Melanie belongs to Jake. Whether he’s still here or not. And once she’s ready to move on, I can’t disrespect my best friend by making a play for his wife. What’s more, I can’t risk ruining our friendship or causing anything to change for those kids. They’ve lost enough.
So, I stay trapped. I can’t move on, but I can’t have her. I’m stuck in my own private hell, trying to enjoy the moments she’ll give me.