Chapter 14 - Sky
I had never been more torn about anything in my life before.
Not on what university to choose, what to major in, or if I really would make the jump to New York after school. Nothing came even close to how equally aggravating and addicting Damien Novikov was to me.
I couldn’t help but feel like I was constantly flip-flopping between wanting to be near him and wanting to have as much space as possible.
We were in a strange limbo of knowing we crossed that line and being well aware of our mutual attraction…yet we weren’t pursuing anything beyond that hookup. At least, I was refusing to give in completely, both because I wanted to maintain some level of control over myself, and because I wanted Damien to pump the breaks on how overbearing he could be.
Still, it was hard. As much as I wanted to ignore him and everything I felt, another part of me just wanted to get all of those frustrating parts out of the way and give myself over to him. I wanted to explore what we could be. I wanted to know if his own feelings went beyond just attraction.
Within that limbo of not fully knowing what we were trying to achieve, we exchanged texts from time to time, but they mostly consisted of us discussing my current assignment and coordinating more times to head out in search of leads.
While that was good, and I was managing to maintain some level of focus despite him being along for the ride, I still felt that pang of disappointment in knowing our conversation wasn’t going beyond that.
I knew it was a ridiculous thought and not something I should’ve been concerning myself with, but I couldn’t help it.
Beneath my irritation and frustration when it came to him, I found him incredibly attractive in every sense. It left me in a strange place of wanting to be cordial but also feeling standoffish, and I could only imagine how confused he must’ve been too.
But if he was confused, then I was even more so.
Between wanting to give in to my interest in him and also hating the idea of giving him that sense of satisfaction in giving myself to him, especially after he had been inserting himself in too many areas of my life, I didn’t know what to do.
It was beyond aggravating, but in some twisted way, a part of me liked the mess of it all.
That never would’ve been true before, but there was just something about Damien that seemed to scramble me and my life as a whole.
Before, I was all about order and playing by the book, but strangely enough, he possessed the power to flip all of that around for me and push me in the direction of making choices I otherwise wouldn’t have.
I hated to admit it, but it was thrilling, and thrill was something I had been lacking for quite some time.
When I wasn’t working on the new assignment, I still had my usual work to contend with, along with managing my floor and attending meetings.
The latter had me held up in a conference room with Gemma and a few others, and while I wanted more than anything to keep my attention completely locked on the subject at hand, I still found my mind wandering to Damien.
It happened more often than I liked, but for the most part, there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about it. He was somewhat of an anomaly in my life regardless of what our label was, and even when we weren’t bickering or attempting to skirt around the situation between us, I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking or doing.
I wanted to know if he felt as conflicted as I did, or if he really cared about me beyond trying to get under my skin.
Before, I wanted to think I had him completely figured out. I assumed he was just some tough guy who was likely better left alone, but after seeing more of him and noticing his strange need to always be present or trying to protect me in some way, it was hard to think of him as only that.
I still didn’t understand why he chose me of all people to shadow, but in some annoying way, it was at least somewhat flattering. Or maybe reassuring.
At least then I knew if there was something bad going on at work like Damien alluded to, then maybe I stood a better chance of avoiding it.
“Hey, can you stay back for a minute?” Gemma asked me after the meeting wrapped up and the others were heading out.
Ignoring my broken train of thought, I nodded. “Of course. What do you need?”
Waiting until the last person was on the way out, offering them a friendly smile as they waved back at us, Gemma seemed to let her professional mask slip to some degree. The grin she gave me was more relaxed and sincere.
“Okay…it’s actually not work-related at all.”
Feeling as though we both slipped into our usual friendly patterns, I lifted a curious brow at her. “I’m listening…”
Gemma chuckled. “This is a bit last minute, but time completely escaped me and I forgot about an event the families are putting on tonight. They can get a bit tedious, especially when everyone gets schmoozing with guests, and in my experience, it’s always better with a friend. Would you be interested in going?”
“Is it the Levovs and Novikovs?”
She nodded. “Mhm…Ari and Alex seem to be following each other’s lead more often lately, and they’re pretty much becoming synonymous with one another. It’ll be the usual crowd.”
A thrill moved through me at the idea, but it was soon followed by a confusing flash of dread.
Part of me wanted to decline to keep some distance between myself and Damien, but at the same time, there was always something fun about those events. And there was no denying how tempting it was to know Damien would likely be there.
That should’ve been cause for me to keep away, but before I could stop myself, I was already smiling.
“Sure, I can make myself free for the evening.”
Immediately, Gemma let go of a sigh of relief and reached for my arm. “Ugh, thank you. You don’t know how happy I am to hear that.”
I hummed my amusement at her reaction. “It’s no problem. I wouldn’t want to miss any possible antics anyway.”
She grinned. “I’m glad we’re on the same page. It’s so much more fun when I have someone else there to gossip with. Anyway, we’ll be by at around seven to pick you up.”
Nodding my agreement and understanding, I officially locked myself into the plan, and the two of us went on with our day as usual.
On the way back to my office, I found myself looking forward to the outing, but at the same time, my stomach clenched at the thought of Damien being there and having to see him outside of our usual setting.
I already knew it would be beyond tempting, especially if he were to dress up for the occasion like they normally did, and I would be setting myself up for failure right from the jump.
Something in me was screaming to just leave him alone and avoid him, while the other wanted to see where the night might take us. Either way, I was feeling both excited and resigned about the idea.
Once I reached my floor, I found myself instinctively looking for Damien, but I couldn’t manage to find him before retreating to my office. It was a slight relief, since the thought of being around him later that night was making me feel a bit sheepish.
Still, that part of me hoped to at least get a glimpse of him.
The work day continued like usual, with nothing of note standing out, and all the while I could only think about the event later that night. I wondered what I would wear, what the event would be like, and if I’d find it within myself to associate with Damien.
Eventually, the day came to a close and I went home, too anxious and eager to keep myself from getting ready right away.
After freshening up, doing my hair and makeup, and putting on my finest Levov-event-wear, I met Gemma, Benedikt, and their driver out front.
The two of them were in good spirits, with Ben looking at least a bit annoyed about having to spend his night at the event, but either way, we left the SUV in matching good moods and were escorted into the bar.
Given the nature of the Levovs and the kind of luxury they brought to everything they did, the bar wasn’t some run-down place full of seedy individuals. Instead, it was a well-kept, exclusive kind of place, and only those invited for the evening were in attendance.
Even if I was dressed the part and did my best to blend in, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was sticking out merely based on me not having mafia associations as they all did.
I didn’t come from that kind of family, and I only brushed shoulders with them through Gemma, who didn’t have a whole lot to do with their business anyway outside of protecting them through the media.
In a way, it felt like I was wearing a costume all the while that imposter syndrome set in.
Despite that, I found myself stepping into that role and playing the part anyway. Aside from the Levovs and Novikovs, nobody knew me there, which meant I didn’t have anything to worry about. I could bear to pretend to be someone else for just a night.
At first, I was distracted by the initial wave of greetings the moment we moved through the bar. I saw some familiar faces and many I couldn’t pick out from a crowd in the slightest, but I found myself forgetting all about Damien until I spotted him across the way.
The Levovs and Novikovs both tended to be on the tall side, so it wasn’t easy to miss them, making it easier than anything for me to see him moving through the groups of people all while he chatted and schmoozed as intended.
I made myself busy with Gemma as we sipped our drinks and spoke to whoever came up to us, but I couldn’t help myself from sneaking glances at him.
Something in me wanted to be brave and just talk to him as if he were anyone else at the event, and maybe even flirt a bit for good measure, but that alarm within me wanted the opposite. It told me to shy away and keep myself out of sight.
It just felt easier that way. If I didn’t leave myself the chance to talk to him, then I wouldn’t have to worry about it in the first place, and there would be no harm done.
I hated feeling like a wimp for avoiding him, but at the same time, I was too confused by what I wanted and didn’t want.
As the night went on and I made the conscious effort to stay out of Damien’s sight, my breath caught in my throat as the inevitable happened.
While Gemma chatted to someone about her business, I caught as he looked my way and a flicker of recognition moved through him. Immediately, he started in our direction, sights set on me, and that confusing jumble of feelings rushed through me all over again.
I wanted to be brave. To stand my ground and stick it out. To face him and be normal about it. But the longer I took in how great he looked, and how perfectly his button-up seemed to hug his body, the worse that need to flee became.
God, he was perfect-looking. He was a walking dream, and he was coming my way, but at the last minute, I excused myself and headed straight for the bathroom.
As much as I wanted to talk to him and feel that spark between us again, he was so intense. He seemed to be everywhere at once, and if even for just a moment, I needed to delay that interaction for my own peace of mind.
I hated the position I was putting myself in, but I didn’t know what to do.