Chapter 4 - Riley
It's that feeling of being trapped that gets my heart racing. I know it's a dream, but I can't wake myself from it, and it's mostly the same every time.
First, I'm getting ready with Gwen, and we're talking and having a great time, getting hyped up like we did that night. It was her idea to sneak into a casino and gamble, and I was totally on board. I should have been studying again, and I open my mouth to tell her that, but no words come out. Instead, I drink, the bitter taste of wine burning down my throat. My heart is already racing because I know what’s coming, and I don't want it to. Our surroundings are hazy. I know we're supposed to be in our dorm room, but it doesn't feel that way. It feels surreal. There are dark, menacing corners where people could be hiding, but deep down, I know they won’t attack us here.
Then we're in the car, and Gwen is driving—only she's not. She's drinking, and the car seems to take over and drive itself. The landscape speeds by in a blur, and although I should recognize these streets, I don't. They're passing by too quickly. I just see streaks of lights out the window.
I open my mouth to say something, but I just drink instead. Maybe this is how I blame myself. I wanted to party; I chose to party, and that's how I ended up where I ended up in that room. But I'm getting ahead of myself and the dream won't allow that, even though I know how it goes. I'm forced into the moment and we're getting dropped off at Roman's casino. A flash of our fake IDs and we're in, heading toward the cocktail bar for more drinks. This is where everything gets fuzzy. I can't make out the faces of the people around us, even though we're surrounded by them. There's noise, but it isn't clear, there's no distinct talking. Gwen is pulling on my arm, pushing me toward the slot machines. She's talking, but I can't hear her. It's as though I can't make out the finer details of the casino, like I need glasses. Nothing is crisp and sharp.
Then, like a shining guardian angel in the night, I see Roman descending the stairs. The crowd easily parts for him and Gwen's face breaks into a magical smile. It's that loving smile she gives him now. They're meant to be together. She leaves me even though I want to stop her. I'm left standing alone. That's not exactly how it happened that night, but that's how it feels. People move around me and I'm rooted to the spot, unable to move as Gwen goes to Roman and they kiss. It's a slow, passionate kiss, clear in my mind's eye.
Then there's a commotion, and people are screaming. There are gunshots and explosions and everything is exaggerated. I want to wake up. I want to wake up before this part happens because it's always terrible. But I never wake up in time. It never happens that way. Suddenly, I'm jerked off my feet and thrown over someone's shoulder, being carried away from Gwen. I try to scream, but I still can't make any sound. Gwen stands there in Roman's arms watching, safe. I know in reality she had panicked, but now she was cool as a cucumber. This is just what happened.
I'm thrown into the back of a blacked-out van. Men climb into the van with me. So many of them it feels like there's no space to breathe. They duct tape my ankles together, then my wrists. I'm crying as they put duct tape over my mouth and then a hood over my head. It's terrifying. Then it feels as though I'm having an out-of-body experience. I can see myself in the corner of the fan, restrained and covered with the hood and surrounded by men. Their faces are clear. I remember them as though I'm still there right now.
I can hear them talk. They are clear as day. Unlike the mingling crowd at the casino, and despite the hood over my head, I hear them plotting my rape and death. I hear them discuss in detail how they're going to use and abuse me. They never did when it really happened, but this isn't reality. Nightmares are far worse. They reach over and stroke my arm and chuckle to themselves about how pretty I am and how they're going to enjoy having me.
I will myself to wake up, but it's as though I have no control. The nightmares always seem so real, as though I'm back in that van. Back with my captors. I try to tell myself I'm safe, but the rising panic has me feeling like I'm going to throw up. Their hands reach out to strike me and my head jolts left, then right. I can taste the blood in my mouth. The van stops and I'm dragged out. I'm trying to scream, but there's nothing I can do. I'm helpless. I feel like no one is going to save me and that's how I felt. I felt as though my time was up, that it was just a matter of hours before someone put a bullet in my brain or slit my throat. That's what mobsters do, after all.
They tie me to the chair and one voice clearly rings out. “You're stuck here forever.”
That's when I hear the door close, and I sit up in bed, crying out. The sweat is dripping off my body and the tears are streaming down my face. It had felt so real. It had been real. It had been a recurring nightmare since I was rescued. And that voice, my captor's voice, was seared into my brain. It's dark in my room, except for the moonlight streaming through the open window. I don't like being in closed-off rooms anymore. I need the fresh air. I take a few deep breaths to steady myself, but before I can calm my racing heart, the door slams open and I shriek. Viktor storms in, looking wild.
“Are you okay?” he asks me worriedly.
“What are you doing here?” I demand to know, pulling the duvet up to cover my body.
“Are you okay? Did someone try to hurt you?” he asks, marching around the room and looking out the open window. He stands there staring out into the dark for what feels like forever. He shuts the window and I want to ask him to open it again, but I don't. I can't let people know how badly I am affected.
“No, I'm fine. You just scared me.” I run a hand over my hair. I scoot up to the edge of the bed and swing my legs over.
“You cried out before I came in,” he points out. “I thought someone was in here with you.” He turns to face me.
“Well, there isn't anyone,” I snap.
“Clearly,” he says. He paces up and down. “Get up. We need to go.”
“What do you mean, we need to go?” I ask. My heart is still racing and I can feel it in my throat. I am glued to the spot and staring at him.
He reaches over and grabs my arm, dragging me off of the bed. “Come on, move it.”
“Viktor,” I say, resisting the urge to slap him. I try to pull away from him, but his grip on me is tight. He must have come to check on the property while Roman and Gwen are away but heard me cry out. I don't know why he thinks he needs to drag me out of bed, but I shiver as the frosty night air hits where my skin is bare. I suddenly feel very vulnerable in my pajamas. He starts talking quickly, and I find it difficult to follow along as he rambles.
“Listen, you're not safe here. We need to move you to another location. You need to come with me immediately.”
When he doesn't let go of me and instead tries to force me out of the bedroom, I collapse on the ground and start crying. “I don't want to be taken to some unknown location again. I want to know what's going on.”
Viktor kneels beside me. “We don't have time for this.”
“I'm not going anywhere with you in my pajamas.” I know I sound stubborn, but I need to stand up for myself. I'm shaking, but I don't care. I'm not going with him without an explanation and without getting dressed.
“Then get dressed,” he says irritably.
“With you watching?” I ask incredulously.
He sighs and turns around. Unsure of what to do now, I get up and pull on my clothes slowly. “Where are we going?”
“Somewhere safe,” he says, staring out the window.
“Where? I don't like not knowing where I'm going to be. Does Gwen know?” I fire the questions at him.
“I can't reach her or Roman, so you're just going to have to trust me,” he says quickly. “I would never do anything to harm you.”
“I don't know that,” I say earnestly. He turns around as I finish pulling on my bottoms.
“Put comfy shoes on. You won't need to pack anything.”
“What do you mean, I won't have to pack anything? Where am I going?” I ask again.
“I told you, I'm here to keep you safe.” He reaches for my arm and I back away.
“Stop grabbing me,” I hiss. “You don't need to touch me.”
“Well, you're not moving, so I feel like I have to,” he groans.
“Because you're being creepy,” I insist. “Get out of my room. When I'm good and ready, I'll come find you downstairs.”
“You aren't safe here,” he says. “I'm not leaving you alone for one moment.”
I feel a rush of fear and sit on my bed, putting a hand over my heart. “Please, just leave me alone. I never wanted any of this.”
“It's too late for that now. You're in on it and it's happening. I need to protect you while Roman isn't here and I'm doing it the only way I know how.” He stands over me menacingly. He reaches for my arm again, but I start screaming.
“No! I don't want to go with you. I don't want to leave this place. I am safe here. I have been safe here since I've gotten here and nothing you say or do can make me leave.”
Viktor looks frustrated and runs a hand over his hair. He's handsome in the moonlight and for a brief moment, it dawns on me that he's better looking than Roman, but my fear overrides that thought and I can't help but wonder what he intends to do with me. The few times I've bumped into him, he's always looked at me in a predatory sort of way. As though I'm prey he's stalking, and it's disconcerting, to say the least.
“I need to brush my teeth,” I say suddenly, trying to stall for time.
Viktor sighs. “Make it quick.”
I get up and go to the bathroom, shutting the door. He opens it again. “Don't shut the door. I need to keep an eye on you.”
“I need to relieve myself,” I say coldly, shutting it again. There's no lock on this door, so I simply wait and when he doesn't open it, I sit down on the lid of the toilet. My heart is hammering in my chest and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't need to relieve myself, but at the same time, I feel like I'm going to soil myself in a panic. He's being so pushy and so demanding. I don't know what to do with him. I wish I'd brought my phone with me so I could try to call Gwen and ask her to intervene. I wonder if I can do that when I go out of the bathroom.
I brush my teeth slowly, taking extra long to delay him further. I can hear him muttering to himself outside the door. I wash my face and jump slightly when he bangs on the door. “Hurry up.”
“Hold your horses,” I snap.
I can feel the tears starting again, and I look at myself in the mirror. I look tired and worn out. The lack of sleep is really getting to me. I need some coffee. Coffee. That's a brilliant way to stall while I try to reach Gwen. I will make some coffee and make him wait for me. I go out of the bathroom and look at him. “I want to try to call Gwen.”
“There's no time,” he groans. “Jesus, are all women this difficult to save?”
“You're not saving me from anything. I'm perfectly safe.”
“You're not, though,” he says. “I know things you don't know.”
“Then tell me while I make some coffee,” I say quietly.
“We are not having coffee.”
“I'm safe with you, right?” I say, sitting down on the bed and looking up at him with shining eyes.
“Yes, but we need to go…”
“Then there's time to tell me what's going on,” I say, wiping my tears away.