Chapter 34
Chapter
Thirty-Four
I stayed with Rob for a week before moving in with Lily. The guys were more than accommodating, especially with private washroom time, but when Lily mentioned her roommate had left over the holidays, it was an opportunity too good to pass up.
Rob needed his bed back, and as much as I loved spooning him in a twin, we both needed to catch up on some sleep. Plus, it was getting harder not to push our relationship into high gear, and I still wondered if I was ready.
All conventional wisdom pointed to not jumping into another relationship the second after ending a long-term commitment. I couldn’t get my brain or my body to buy in. Every time I was with Rob, I wanted to continue being with Rob. But maybe that was what set off alarm bells.
It wasn’t until Logan left for those two months that I realized I had been drowning. I didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.
I gave myself a few days to settle in at Lily’s before I was itching to get the rest of my stuff from Logan’s. I felt guilty leaving him with the full rent payment even though I’d already paid my portion for January, so I waited until the Outlaws had practice to go back to the house.
The walk back was surreal, like I was moving through a dream. I unlocked the front door and stepped inside, setting down my broken-down boxes and canvas bags. It looked exactly the same since everything in there was Logan’s to begin with. Somehow, this was both comforting and devastating. How had I spent six months of my life here without noticing I hadn’t made a mark?
Logan’s room looked almost the same, minus the few things I’d taken when I left. I didn’t take long to look at it, just folded out a box and started packing.
I stacked my books first, then my pens and stationery. Old letters and stamps. I reached for my clothes next, pulling them off hangers and out of drawers, tossing them in. I didn’t bother folding them since I’d just be taking them out an hour from now.
I moved to my nightstand and grabbed my headphones and walkman, the cord tangling around my fingers. I’d missed that little guy over the past week.
I had just barely set it on top of my clothes when I heard it. The front door opening.
I froze, my heart pounding. Who the hell was here? Logan should be at practice. Did he have a new roommate? A new girlfriend? I scanned the room. Had I missed someone else’s stuff?
The footsteps drew closer, and my shoulders tensed. I recognized them.
Logan appeared in the doorway, dressed in his hockey base layer and his puffy coat. “Hey.”
I half expected him to be pissed that I was there without his permission, but he wasn’t. I exhaled, still kneeling on the floor. "Hey."
He shifted on his feet. "I heard you were grabbing your things."
I wanted to ask who'd told him, but I didn’t need to. Besides Lily and Caleb, I’d only informed one other person where I was going this afternoon. “Rob told you?”
Logan nodded, running his hand over the back of his neck. “Don’t give him shit. I told him I wanted to talk to you.”
I turned back to my packing, my hands trembling as I pulled my underwear from the drawer, shoving it in one of the bags fast enough, I hoped he didn’t notice what it was.
Logan watched me. I grabbed a hoodie from my chair and shoved it in the box, then reached for my hairbrush on the dresser. Logan took a step forward, and I turned to face him, my heart thudding in my chest.
He looked at me, his jaw tense. "I wanted to apologize."
My throat tightened. I forced a smile. "Okay."
Logan’s throat worked. "I’m sorry for what I did. Over in Europe. I know it was shitty, and I shouldn’t have tried to defend it.”
I nodded once. “Thank you.” It felt surprisingly good to hear him say it.
He blew out a breath. “I think it’s more than that, though.”
My breathing was shallow. I wasn’t sure where he was going next.
Logan looked up, his hair falling over his forehead. “I didn't know how to love you." His voice was low, almost a whisper.
I met his gaze. He took a step forward, then stopped, his hand dropping to his side. "I didn't know how to love you because I don't know how to love anything other than hockey. And maybe myself.” He dropped his eyes, his hands clenching and unclenching. "I don't know how to be with someone and give a hundred percent to that. I was using you as a support person or something."
Relief rolled through me. Yes. That was exactly it. I wasn’t crazy for feeling like my full-time job was helping him, pushing him, encouraging him. I spent so much time thinking about how to lower his stress levels, I didn’t know what to do with myself when he left.
A tear slipped down my cheek, and the tortured expression on his face activated that old knee-jerk reaction. I wanted to reach out, to hold him and make it better. But that wasn’t my job anymore. "Logan, I?—"
He shook his head, his eyes glistening. "I know. I know it's not enough. But I needed you to know that it wasn't because I didn't care. It wasn't because I didn't want you." He let out a low laugh, running his hands through his hair. “But I’m not proud of that either.”
“Of what?” I planted my hands on my hips, then thought better of it and put them in my pockets. There was the bracelet.
He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing. "I'm competitive. I always have been, and when I found out that Rob liked you, I don’t know. I wanted to prove I could win. That I could be better than him."
My mind started to spin, and I had to steady myself against the dresser. "You knew Rob liked me?"
Logan's jaw clenched, and he nodded. "He never said it, but yeah. It was pretty obvious."
I stared at him. "Wait, so you?—"
Logan cut me off, his voice strained. "It wasn't just about that. I swear, Shar. I wanted you, but I'm not proud of that part of it. I don’t know. I’m just always trying to prove something. To my team, to myself." His voice wavered. "To you.”
I stood there, my hands trembling. I didn’t know what to say to that.
He took a step closer, his eyes pleading. "I'm not asking for anything. I just needed you to know.”
I nodded, my throat too tight to speak. Logan's eyes searched mine, then finally, he exhaled and took a step back. “Can I help you with that?”
Logan not only helped me finish packing, he carried everything to the front door. When I brought my last bag of knick-knacks and half-empty toiletries, Logan motioned to the stereo.
“Did you know it was him?”
I paused, staring at the mix tape in the cassette player. “Not until recently. Did you?”
Logan shook his head. “I swear, if I'd known it was him, I wouldn't have—" He stopped mid sentence, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I’m sorry I let you believe it was me, though.”
I slipped on my shoes. “Thank you.” I’d never heard Logan apologize so many times in the space of thirty minutes, but I was quickly becoming a fan.
Logan took in the pile of bags and boxes. "How are you getting all this to your new place?"
"I was going to call my friend Caleb.” I had to specify because Logan had never met my orchestra friends. One year with Logan, and Rob had already spent more time with them than he had. “He was going to bring his car over and help me load up."
Logan nodded, then reached into his pocket and tossed me a keychain with a single key on it. I caught it. "You can take my truck. I'm not going to need it until tomorrow."
"You sure?"
He gave me a sad smile. "Might be helpful. If you need to grab anything else.”
I put the key in my pocket. "Thank you, Logan. This . . . it means a lot."
A flush crept up his neck. “Here. I’ll help you load it up.”
We transported everything to the truck, and when I’d successfully convinced Logan that I would only be driving it across campus and not on any major highways, he closed the tailgate and stepped back.
I stood in front of him on the sidewalk. “Thanks for your help.”
He nodded, kicking a rock back into the landscaping. “We had some good times, didn’t we?”
I stepped forward and took his hand. “Logan, we had so many good times.”
He looked up, his eyes glassy. “I’m sorry, Shar.”
“I know.” I stepped forward and hugged him. It wasn’t an attempt to fix him this time. It wasn’t out of guilt or a misguided belief that I was responsible for his emotions. I hugged Logan because I wanted him to know that I had loved him. That I still wanted what was best for him. That I was grateful for everything I’d learned about love and especially about myself.
When I pulled back, his eyes were soft. He sniffed. “I’m sorry I wasn’t better for you."
I pressed my lips together. “I’m sorry we weren’t better for each other.”
_____
An hour and a half later, I sat in front of Rob’s house. That’s what I called it now. It wasn’t the “Guys’ House” or the “Halloween Party House.” It was all him. After leaving Logan’s, I’d dropped my stuff off at Lily’s, and then, instead of driving the truck back over, I found myself winding to the west side of campus.
Practice was barely ending, so Rob wouldn’t be there for a bit. I popped his mix tape into the cassette player and leaned back in the seat, listening. The music filled the cab of the truck, and I smiled to myself. Each song sounded just a little bit different knowing it was Rob who’d picked them.
I’d realized something during my conversation with Logan. Rob was the one who told him I’d be there. Considering how much he wanted to kick Logan’s ass after he heard what happened, I knew he didn’t do that for himself.
Once again, he did it for me. He knew what Logan wanted to say, and he knew I needed to hear it, even if the idea of putting the two of us back together—alone—in the house we’d slept in probably created his own personal hell.
As I unpacked my boxes, I realized that two weeks was plenty of time for me to know exactly what I wanted. I wasn’t jumping into this with Rob because I was sad or lonely. It had been him that I’d loved all along, even if I didn’t know it.
An engine sounded behind me, and I shot up, looking in the side mirror. Rory’s car pulled up, his headlights shining through the back window of the truck. Had they ridden together? I hadn’t even checked to see if Rob’s truck was parked somewhere on the street.
The passenger door opened, and my heart leapt into my throat. Rob stepped out, his hair damp and tousled, his hockey bag slung over his shoulder. I turned off the truck and stepped out, closing the door behind me. Rob rounded the front of Rory’s car and stopped in front of me, his eyes locked on mine. For a moment, neither of us moved, even with Rory and Axel’s catcalling.
I waited for them to file past us and go inside the house. “I talked with Logan.”
Rob nodded to the truck. “Did you get this in the divorce?”
I smirked. “Asshole.” I walked forward, stopping when I had to look up to keep eye contact. “Thank you.”
Rob’s jaw tensed. “He better have been a gentleman.”
“He was. He loaded my things and lent me his truck.”
“And apologized?”
I nodded. “And apologized.”
Rob adjusted the strap of his hockey bag. He was so hot like this. Freshly showered after practice, wearing sweats with or without a T-shirt, his whole body worn out and relaxed.
“I don’t care if you wear a shirt anymore,” I murmured.
Rob raised an eyebrow. “Amending the rules?”
“Mmhmm. Maybe all of them.”
“Don’t we need a pen and paper for that?”
My eyes narrowed. “What should we call it this time?”
“I don’t know, but you’re not choosing the title.”
I scoffed, throwing out my hand to smack his shoulder. He caught it and pulled me to him. “I thought it was a very functional title.”
Rob’s lips twitched. “Okay. What would be your functional title now, then?”
My heart skipped like a kid doing hopscotch. Just like the last time, my emotions were too heightened to be witty. “I was thinking something like ‘Sharla and Rob’s rules for an exclusive relationship?’”
Rob’s breathing slowed. “That is much improved from the original.”
“I thought you might like it.” I swallowed hard, my pulse rushing in my ears.
Rob stepped forward, pushing me along the truck until I was past the driver’s door. He opened it and reached in, retrieving the keys, then closed and locked the door.
“There’s something in there.” I pointed to the back door.
Rob inserted the key and opened it, then snorted and pulled out the toilet cleaner. “Finally. I’ve been waiting on this.”
I laughed. “Just spreading out the Christmas joy.” I was trembling. Not only because I’d forgotten my coat at my apartment, but because I knew what came next. Or at least what I hoped came next.
Rob locked the door and closed it, then handed me the toilet cleaner.
“What—” I let out a yelp of surprise as Rob squatted down and reached an arm around my backside, scooping me off the ground. “Rob, I can walk.” When I realized he wasn’t going to set me down, I wrapped my legs around his waist, riding him like a baby koala.
Rob walked toward the front door. I reached down and turned the knob, and he dropped his hockey bag in the entry. We both kicked off our shoes, then he insisted on carrying me up the stairs.
I tried to hide my face as we passed the living room, but I wasn’t fast enough. "You're late!" Rory shouted, and the other guys hooted and hollered. "I thought for sure you two would've been back at it right after the game!"
"Go give her the Thompson special!" Axel called out.
Rob turned and flipped them off, and I buried my face in his shirt. He laughed, taking the stairs two at a time. He wasn’t even winded by the time we reached his door. My heart pounded as he pushed it open and carried me inside.
I dropped the toilet cleaner.
He turned and pressed me up against the door after it closed, then reached down and locked the handle. “You’re sure you don’t need more time?”
I ran my hands through his hair, and he tipped his head back. “I’m sure.” I lowered my head, kissing his cheek, then dragging my fingernails over his stubble.
Rob slowly lowered me, and I let my legs drop, my feet planting themselves on the floor. “Do you have early rehearsal?”
I shook my head. “Wednesday, remember?”
He pressed his hands against my hips. “It always used to be Tuesday.”
I arched against him, pulling at the zipper on his hoodie. “New semester. New schedule to memorize.” I unzipped it, sliding my hands across his bare stomach and chest. “Do you have anything in the morning?”
Rob grunted. “I’m pretty sure I just came down with the flu.”
I laughed, but before I could give him some lecture about being academically responsible, his lips were on mine.
It was like every kiss we'd shared over the past two weeks, but this time, it was amplified. Like the volume had been turned up on a stereo—every note vibrated through my bones. His lips were warm and insistent, and he tasted like mint.
“I love kissing you,” I whispered, my hands still trying to memorize every rise and fall on his torso.
“Good.” Rob hissed air through his teeth as I toyed with the waistband of his sweats. He pulled me away from the door, fumbling with my shirt. I helped him get it off and goosebumps lifted on my skin. “Are you cold?”
“A little,” I admitted.
Rob flicked back his top sheet and comforter, then looped his fingers in the belt loops of my jeans. He undid the button, his hands unsteady. I may have changed into new, lacy underwear I bought with some of my scholarship money. That counted as “educational pursuits,” didn’t it?
Now that I stood in the shaft of light from his window, Rob took a good look at me. I stepped out of my jeans, trying not to be self-conscious at the way my stomach rolled a little as I bent over.
“I’m going to get a space heater,” he said as I dropped to the mattress and slid under the covers. “I don’t ever want to stop looking at you.”
I leaned forward and tugged on his sweatpants. “I can think of a few things that might change your position on that.”
Rob took off his hoodie and pants, then slid into bed next to me. This time, I didn’t turn my back to him. He threaded his legs with mine, bending one knee and lifting until it stopped. I let out a puff of air, closing my eyes as pleasure rippled through me at the contact.
Rob’s fingers traced lazy circles over my ribs. "What do you like, Shar?"
I swallowed hard, my mind racing. What did I like? I'd never been asked that question before. How embarrassing was that to admit?
"I don't know," I admitted, my voice tight.
Rob's eyes softened, and he brushed his thumb over my cheek. "Perfect. We can figure it out together." He leaned in and kissed me softly, then pulled back with a grin. "I like experimenting. Collecting data."
I laughed, my nerves easing. "You and your backup plans.”
Rob chuckled, his breath warm on my skin. "You have no idea."
He started with his hands, slowly exploring almost every inch of me. When he heard my breath hitch, he’d say, “Got it,” or, “Noted.” His voice lit up the inside of my brain like fireworks on Canada Day.
Who knew that a whisper in my ear could send shivers down my spine? Or that having his fingers toy with the ends of my hair could make my heart race?
Every touch, every kiss, every breath was a new discovery, and I thought about that conversation with Maddie in her bedroom.
What made good sex? I didn’t have the textbook, but I was pretty sure I'd found it. It was this. All of this. The wanting, the knowing, the anticipation. Feeling safe, loved, listened to.
My body was on fire, but I never wanted it to stop.
Rob pulled away and smiled down at me. "Good so far?"
I nodded, my breath coming in short gasps. "Mmm."
“I’ll take that as a yes.” He lowered his head to continue, but I pressed against his shoulder, rolling him to his back.
“Can I take a turn?”
Rob’s pupils dilated. “You want to?”
I nodded. I’d never done this before, and that set me shivering again. But I’d never been the one in control, the one doing the exploring, and the idea made every part of my body molten.
It didn’t take me long to figure out a few things. When I ran my nails over the muscles of his back, he groaned. When I brushed my thumb over his lower lip, he sucked it into his mouth.
How? How had I never known it could be like this?
This was making love. It wasn't about the mechanics, the positions, or the tricks. It was about being this close with someone, this connected, body and soul.
“I love you, Rob,” I murmured. “I’m in love with you.”
Rob caught my face in his hands. “Say it again.”
I grinned, suddenly self-conscious. “I love you. I’m in love with you.”
He pulled my mouth to his, no longer slow and patient but messy and frantic and desperate. His hands found the clasp of my bra, unhooking it. He found the last parts of me, breathing hard, forcing his body to slow down like he couldn’t rush a single second.
Rob slid his hand down the flat of my stomach, and I sucked in a breath. He paused, his fingertips brushing the band of my underwear. I ran my hand over his arm, encouraging him.
“Just a second,” he whispered.
I paused, kissing his cheek. “Are you okay?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I’ve just waited so long for this. For you. I think I might pass out.”
I grinned, peppering kisses over his face. “I’ll make sure you don’t hit your head.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Rob’s hand continued on its path, and my head tipped back on the pillow.
“Yes,” I said on a breath. I needed him to know this was what I wanted. This was what I liked. Every variation of his kisses, every new motif where his hands were on my body. I wanted to experience all of them.
Every single one.