14. Calla
FOURTEEN
CALLA
The show was phenomenal tonight. The crowd was insane, and I had an extra burst of energy, which I’m attributing to Luke. He barely touched me, barely even looked at me, yet made me feel like I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. It was empowering. What woman wouldn’t want that?
I only hate that it ended so abruptly, and I didn’t get another chance to talk to him about it. Honestly, I’m not sure what I would even say. I liked it so much. I wanted more. I know I shouldn’t. He’s told me before that there’s a strict policy against him doing anything with his client, and I get it. I do. But…
But.
His hands. And his lips. And the way he looked at me. It’s been so long since I’ve been looked at like that.
When the show is over, Luke escorts me and Ashley back to the bus like usual. Ashley makes herself comfortable on the couch, which is a little inconvenient considering this is when I had planned to talk to Luke about what happened earlier. I look from Ashley sitting with her laptop open to Luke. He’s standing in our small kitchen as if he doesn’t know what to do, either.
“I… I guess I’m going to head to bed,” I announce to no one in particular. Luke gives me a quick nod, and Ashley calls out a quick good night. With that, I make my way to my room and change into a tank top and boy shorts.
I toss and turn in bed for what feels like hours before I decide to grab some water, hoping it’ll help me fall asleep. The bus is silent, so I assume everyone else has gone to bed. I pass through the bunk area quietly to the kitchen and grab a water from our mini fridge. I open it and take a sip.
“Can’t sleep?”
His voice startles me causing me to spill some of the water down my shirt. Great.
“I thought you were in bed,” I say, turning to see him sitting on the couch in a T-shirt and shorts.
The lights are dim, but I can still see the way his eyes trail from my face down my body. I truly thought he was in bed, which is why I didn’t throw on any shorts.
He chuckles softly. “You should really work on taking in your surroundings.”
“I don’t need to when I’ve got you following me around everywhere.”
He smirks, and I take the few steps across the bus so I’m in front of him. “What are you doing out here? Aren’t you tired?”
“I’m not the one who just worked my ass off for four hours,” he says.
“Yeah, I’ve just got a lot on my mind,” I say, meeting his gaze. It’s him. He’s on my mind.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“Do we need to talk about it?” I ask. I’d like to do a lot less talking and a lot more touching. Does that make me a terrible person? I’m technically in a relationship, albeit a shitty one. Yet here I am, not even worried about my boyfriend and wanting another man to touch me.
I know I need to end things with Thompson, and I will. But I need to do it in person. I owe him that.
“I think we should,” he says. “I mean, I saw your nipples.”
Not exactly what I was expecting him to say. “You did. Turns out you really do like tits. Wanna show me yours so we’re even?”
He laughs. “I’m not sure mine will have the same effect.”
I shrug. “You never know until you try.”
“Will you sit? You standing over me makes me nervous.”
“I make big bad Luke Pierson nervous? There’s no way.” But I sit down next to him.
“I’m not sure that I would call me big and bad.”
“Really? Do you remember the day we met? You walked in and said, ‘I’m not here to be your friend’ or some shit. Now look at us.”
“Exactly.” He sighs. “I’m not here to be your friend. I crossed a line with you today that I shouldn’t have. I need to apologize for that. I keep leading you on. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I lose all common sense when I’m around you.”
“Oh.” I don’t really know what to say to that. “Alright.”
“Alright?”
“Yeah, I mean, I guess I just thought…” That we both wanted each other. I thought he wanted me, and that felt really fucking nice. “Well, it doesn’t matter what I thought.”
“Do you understand?” he asks, like I’m a child, which just makes me angry.
“Yes, I understand,” I spit out.
He must hear the irritation in my voice because he continues, “You don’t really want me, Calla. You like the idea of me. I mean, you said yourself that you’re not ready to leave Thompson. How am I supposed to believe you ever will? Am I supposed to just be the side piece that gets you off before you go home to your boyfriend?”
“What? No!”
“If we did anything, you’d end up regretting it, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that.”
While I understand what he’s saying—and I really do—all my brain is hearing is that he doesn’t want me. Another person in my life that I’m not good enough for. It’s stupid because, realistically he’s making sense, but I wanted Luke, and he’s telling me no. He’s telling me that I don’t want him, like I can’t make up my own mind. Everyone always tries to tell me what to think and what to do. Why can’t anyone let me make my own decision?
I stand abruptly. My feelings are hurt, and I’m embarrassed. I thought we were on the same page, but we’re on completely different chapters. “Well, this was a great chat, but I should get back to bed. Big day tomorrow.”
“Calla.”
“Good night.” I start walking toward the back.
“Calla,” he whisper-shouts at me, but I don’t stop. I can’t. I will not cry in front of another person who has hurt me. I won’t do it.
“Good night, Luke. See you in the morning.” I shut the door leading to my room and fall onto my bed. It’s not until I’m under the covers, face hidden from the world, that I let the first tear fall.
The next morning, I’m exhausted, and I can tell by the dark circles under Luke’s eyes that he is, too. He must not have gotten much sleep after our little chat. I shouldn’t care, but deep down, I know that I do. Luke is trying to do what he feels is right, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
The bus drops us off at a recording studio in Chicago that Brayden booked for me this morning. Luke barely says a word as he surveys the property before we’re escorted to where I’ll be for the day. Luke introduces himself to all the people in the room, the producer, engineer, and a few others I’ve never met before. I try not to watch his tattooed forearms as he shakes hands with everyone. It’s really annoying how attractive he is, and it’s making it hard to be mad at him.
“You’re welcome to sit in here if you want,” the producer tells Luke, nodding to a couch set up in the room. Luke immediately looks at me, asking for permission. I kinda like that. I don’t want him to know that I like it, though.
“That’s fine,” I mumble and take my notebook out of my bag. Truly, I would much rather him be outside or maybe back on the bus, but I am in a room with strange men I’ve never met before, so his presence is comforting.
“Alright, Ms. James,” one of them says to me. “Do you have a song we’re recording, or do we need to work on songwriting?”
“Well, I did have one I wanted to record, but I woke up with a partial song in my head, so I’d like to work that one out a little if it’s alright.” It’s not a silly love song. It’s more of what I would call an angry song, likely brought on by the events of last night.
“Perfect. Jay here is our songwriter, and he’s more than happy to help.”
I smile at the man sitting at a table to the side. He’s wearing a black beanie, but his blonde hair is peaking out, and his black T-shirt shows off his random tattoos. Not at all like the cohesive sleeves that Luke has. Not that I’m comparing the two or anything.
After I take a seat at the table, we get to work. Ashley told them to make sure I had a lot of warm lemon water with honey to keep my throat healthy. I usually hate recording and performing on the same day. Well, I hate doing anything extra with my voice on the same day as a big show, but Brayden has given me no other option. I didn’t even know we’d be stopping here until yesterday afternoon when Ashley was going over the schedule.
Jay and I spend several hours working through this potential song. I forget about everything while I’m working and get so invested in the song and the music that nothing else matters. Eventually, we feel like the song is good enough to get in and record it, so that’s what we do. They have their house musicians come in, and I go into the booth.
I sing it over and over again, listening to suggestions from the producer. Jay and I rework a few lines, but by the early afternoon when Ashley shows up telling us that it’s time to go, I feel like it’s one of the best songs I’ve ever recorded.
It’s a very emotional song that talks about not being heard and just wanting people to listen. It’s more raw than anything I’ve ever written before. Even the producers were impressed, which means a lot since I’m sure they know what my usual stuff sounds like.
“That was incredible, Calla,” Luke whispers to me as we’re walking back to the bus.
I want to be mad at him still, but truthfully, I feel incredible and don’t want to let my anger fuel my mood for the day. “It was very cathartic. I feel really good about it.”
“You should.”
I look over at him and see the honesty in his eyes. The only thing that would make this moment better is if he would wrap his arms around me and hold me close.
“Let’s go!” Ashley calls from the doors of the bus. I hadn’t realized that Luke and I had stopped walking, our gazes locked onto each other’s eyes. Hopefully, Ashley didn’t notice that either.
Once we’re back on the bus, Luke sitting next to me on the couch, he asks, “You ever been to Chicago?”
“A few times.”
“Ever had the pizza?”
I give him a pointed look. He knows what my diet consists of. “What do you think?”
“Yeah, you’re right. Stupid question.”
Ashley appears in front of us. “Calla, Thompson is flying in today.”
I feel like I should’ve known that. Or maybe I knew and chose to forget, I’m not sure. But instead of happiness, I feel immediate dread.
“Oh.”
She raises her eyebrows at my lack of response but doesn’t question me further. “He’ll meet you at the venue and watch the show. He’s staying with you in the hotel tonight, and then he’ll fly out in the morning when we head to the next venue.”
“Alright.”
She takes her iPad and walks away. I wonder what she must think of me. Probably that I’m a bitch for not being more excited to see my own boyfriend, but I just don’t have that in me. I haven’t spoken once to him since I left. I know I need to end things with him, even if it goes against what my parents and my management team want. But I can’t do this. I can’t stay with him when I’m this unhappy. I can’t stay with him when all I can think about is having another man’s hands on me.
I look over at Luke, who’s focused solely on his phone. It’s unfair how attractive he is. I spend so much time around beautiful people, but Luke… Luke has this ruggedness and raw quality to him. I don’t know if it’s the tattoos, the messy hair, or that he doesn’t waste time on things like Botox because his face actually shows emotion. When he smiles, his whole face smiles too, and I love that.
I know my feelings for Thompson had changed long before Luke came into the picture, which is why I need to end things even if Luke never wants anything to do with me. It’s not fair to Thompson, and it sure as hell isn’t fair to me.
“You excited to see lover boy?” Luke asks me, but I can tell his voice is tense.
“Excited is not the word I would use.”
He huffs a laugh but doesn’t say anything else.
I lay my head back on the couch cushion and sigh. How did I let my life get this way?