41. Chapter Forty-One
Chapter Forty-One
T he next two weeks were a blur of phone calls, emails, and me frantically questioning whether I was doing the right thing. Each time I experienced even a hint of doubt, I looked at the picture of Liv and me, the one where our pinkies were interlocked, and it was immediately replaced with anticipation.
“Damn, you condensed everything you own into these four suitcases?” Sam asked, walking into my now empty apartment.
“Well, I condensed the important stuff into four suitcases. All the other shit is stuffed into boxes and hiding in my parents’ attic.” I laughed.
“That makes more sense,” she said. “How are you feeling?”
I canvassed the empty living room, landing on the luggage propped against the wall near the front door. “Excited, nervous, scared shitless… Pretty much every emotion, yeah.”
“That means you’re doing something right. Dreams don’t happen without a little excitement and a whole hell of a lot of unknowns.” Her tone wavered. “Don’t worry—I will be coming to visit as soon as you get settled.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” I responded. “Sam, I just want to tell you that without you I probably wouldn’t have survived the last ten years. You were a friend to me when I needed it most and you consistently showed up in whatever capacity I needed you.”
“I’ll always be here for you, MJ.” She walked closer before wrapping her arms around me. “Just don’t forget about me when you become the next New York Times Bestseller.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” I pulled back for a second before bringing her into another hug.
“I better get going, I told your dad I would hold down the fort while he drops you off at the train station. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
As silence surrounded me standing in the doorway of my very first home away from home, the nostalgia washed over me.
The sun peered through the window, illuminating the space. “Here I go, Liv.” I paused as the sun reflected off something and on to the wall. I moved my hand around until I landed on the dainty piece of gold metal that now permanently hung around my neck. The necklace I had made from the keychain Grey gave me that night on the beach.
A subtle reminder they were both still here with me.
“I’m sorry it took me this long to follow through on our promise, Liv, but better late than never, right?” I laughed softly, clinging to the necklace. “I think after all these years, it’s become clear that I’ve wasted so much time staying put in this little town of ours. And what a lucky person I am, to have had that time to waste.”
Selfish, really. Wasting time was a privilege not everyone had, and I was done taking advantage of it.
“I want to make the most of my time here. I want to do the things that scare me. The things that excite me. But most importantly, I want to do all the things we promised we’d do together. I know it won’t be the same without you, but I’ve learned that just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean you’re not standing right next to me. I love you, Liv. Deeper than the ocean.”
The vibration in my pocket brought me back to reality. I swiped away a lingering tear and tapped the screen.
Dad:
We’re on the way. Be there in 5.
Me:
Perfect! See you then.
I grabbed two suitcases and trekked down the apartment steps and onto Reef Road. Gazing around, I took a moment to appreciate the little town that lay before me. For so long, it had been exactly what I needed.
Montauk had been everything I’d ever known—the quaint little sights, the salty smells, and the joyful sounds were integrated into every fiber of my being. It was simply a part of who I was, and a part of me would always need it.
I couldn’t help but feel sad and hopeful at once.
Mom and Dad pulled to a stop in front of me, Dad’s hand resting on the rolled-down window ledge. “Good morning, my little New Yorker.” His smile could’ve been seen for miles.
“Good morning.” I beamed.
They stepped from the car and onto the curb.
“Is this everything?” Dad asked.
“No, I have two more suitcases upstairs.”
“All right, I’ll go grab them,” he responded. “Why don’t you go over there and give your mom a little extra love, I think she could use it.” He winked.
“Mom.” I squeezed her hand. “It’s okay. I’m going to be fine.”
“That’s just it. I know you’re going to be fine. You’re going to be better than fine, and that’s what makes this so bittersweet,” she said, dabbing at the corner of each eye. “I’ve waited so many years for your sparkle to come back. Slowly but surely it has, but this time, it’s even brighter than it was before. You’re a beautiful woman, inside and out, and you’re going to do amazing things. I can’t wait to see the lives that you touch with your words. I’m so proud of you, Miller, and I want you to know that your dad and I are here for you no matter what. And always remember, you can find slivers anywhere. I love you so big.”
“Dammit, Mom. I was doing my best not to cry, but how do you expect me not to when you say things like that?” I asked, leaning in to embrace her.
We both laughed while wiping away tears.
“My girls, come here,” Dad said, lugging the suitcases down the stairs before tossing them into the bed of his truck.
The three of us took a few moments just to hug each other. I took a mental picture, because I knew this was something I never wanted to forget.
“Are you ready?” Dad asked, pulling away first.
“I’m not sure if ready is the correct term for how I’m currently feeling, but regardless, let’s do it.”
“Caleb is going to help you get settled, right?” Dad asked.
“Yes, he just texted to let me know he’d be waiting for me at my apartment.”
“Perfect,” Mom said.
I had taken Caleb up on his offer and he’d been a huge help. Within days, we secured an apartment for me. A task that proved to be much harder than I’d anticipated.
The train station was a quick ten-minute drive. I told my parents that I could’ve taken a cab, but they insisted on dropping me off. In fairness to them, I never did the whole college thing, so this was sort of an equivalent experience for them.
With my suitcases loaded, they walked me to the front of the train while I urged myself not to cry. Dad seemed to be trying to do the same. Mom, on the other hand, had no such luck. Her tears had been present since we stepped out of the truck.
Stopping just before the train doors, I inhaled a deep breath. “I want you both to know that I would’ve never survived the loss of Liv if it weren’t for you. I would’ve never been able to pull myself out of the darkness and find my light again had I not had your unconditional love and support all of these years. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but then again, I’ve been told that the scariest things sometimes turn into the most beautiful of things. I promise that no matter what happens in New York, I will always do my best to make you proud. I love you both so big.”
“You’ve already made us proud, more than you know. And we love you even bigger.” Dad’s voice was steady until the very last word. He pulled me into one last hug, doing his best to mask his emotions.
“Boarding for New York City. Doors will close in two minutes,” a man’s voice boomed through the speakers overhead.
“I better get going,” I said, pulling away.
“MJ,” Mom said. “Just because you’re leaving Montauk doesn’t mean you’re leaving Olivia. She’ll always be everywhere you are.”
I nodded, knowing that if I spoke, the words wouldn’t make any sense. Stepping onto the train, I found my seat and peered out the window. As my parents made their way back to the truck, my mom stopped only once. She spun around, turning to blow me a kiss. I just had time to return it with a smile before the train picked up speed. Within seconds, we were out of the station and I was on my way to New York City.
My eyes traced the blurry landscape that floated by. I reached up, searching for the gold metal that dangled from my neck, landing on it quicker than normal. The indention that I’d become accustomed to pressed against my fingertips. Every time I felt the engraved heartbeat under my fingers, it was like I could hear the rhythm too. Rubbing the metal, I stared out the window, thinking about everything and nothing at once.
I wasn’t the one who died that night, but a part of me did. For the longest time, I thought that part would find me again, but I now understood it was my job to find it myself.
“I’m doing it, Liv. I’m going to the big city to write silly little love stories,” I muttered quietly.