Chapter 31
Olivia
Now
I’m still reeling from that kiss.
But with his back turned to me, Carmello says, “I want to feel fully like myself. Express all parts of me and cook food from the cultures I’ve been raised with.
I love everything my mom has left to me, but I want to have something at Celia’s that is mine too.
That’s part of the reason I’m thankful for you and your idea.
My mom had…interesting tactics to get you here, but I think she knew exactly what she was doing.
” My heart is glowing when he looks over his shoulder and says, “How about you stop grinning and read off some questions that we could match with this while I cook for you?”
The way he says it is sexy, so I’m not opposed to letting him do all the cooking today.
I grab the cards from my purse and hop up onto the counter to his left where we can see each other.
After I read off the first three cards, I separate them out in their own piles: two sweet, one spicy.
Finally, I find a deeper one that could go with the picadera.
“Tell me about a moment that changed your life.”
He positions his body in such a way that when the oil surely pops, my legs will be safe, then flips the tostones over.
“That one’s good,” he says and thinks about it for a moment before: “Um…I feel like most parents would say it was the moment their child was born, but I don’t think the gravity of my new reality hit me right away. You know?”
I can’t relate to having a child, but I can understand what he means.
When I decided to travel the States alone, the reality that I was actually doing life without him caught up to me late and randomly.
I nod my head in encouragement for him to keep going.
Greedy for his answers. God, this is a good game. Gotta thank Denise again for the idea.
“When Teddy was about a month old, he came down with RSV,” Carmello says.
“A few days after he was diagnosed, Daniela called me crying in the middle of the night and said Teddy was struggling to get air.” Carmello takes a breath like the memory is still hard to digest. He works on coating the chicken with egg and flour.
I wait while he washes his hands again. When he walks back over, he looks more collected.
“So I rushed over and saw what Daniela saw. Our boy was only ten pounds but he was breathing with his belly, a symptom the doctor told us to take as an emergency. When we got him to Hasbro Children’s hospital, there was nothing we could do but wait.
The nurses and doctors took good care of him there, but it was so scary to watch his little body fighting for the most basic part of life.
He was only in the hospital for two days, but it was the longest forty-eight hours of my life.
After he pulled through, I knew then that things would never be the same.
There was someone I loved more than I loved myself, and I needed to watch him more closely than I had been doing before. ”
Carmello removes the plantains to fry the chicken and as soon as it hits the pan, a salty aroma fills the air. Greasy goodness. I’d normally start drooling by now, but tears are currently burning the backs of my eyes thinking of Carmello and a newborn Teddy and even Daniela.
“After your mom told me that you had a baby,” I say, “I tried to imagine what you were like as a dad. Were you stern like your father was? How hands-on were you with him?”
He glances at me. “Am I anything like you imagined?”
I think of how worried he was the day Teddy disappeared on Steven to wander the front-of-house at Celia’s Place, Vero joking that he’s a helicopter human, and everything else I know about him so far.
Then I say, “Even better,” and when he smiles with his entire face, I feel something tug beneath my breastbone. “Do you want more kids?”
“No time soon,” he says. “But yeah, I think I do.”
Now that I’ve seen a recent picture of Daniela, it’s easier to envision the parts of Carmello’s life I wasn’t here for.
And there’s a soreness knowing there are moments I may never have with him, even though we’re back in each other’s lives, but when he talks about being a dad, joy fills my chest too.
I won’t lie. I’ve had selfish nights when I hoped he was missing me like I was missing him, but I still used so many of my 11:11 wishes asking for him to be happy. I can see clearly that he has been.
A memory flashes across my mind of me and Celia checking the produce in the kitchen.
She had just come back to work after her first battle with breast cancer.
A bouquet of flowers arrived for her that morning.
There was no note attached, and she cussed at me in Tagalog when I teased about them being from her secret man.
“What? I just love how happy you look,” I said.
She lifted a carton of blueberries and set them aside because they weren’t up to her beyond-perfect standards.
“What would make me happier than anything is grandbabies.” The wrinkles creased in her forehead, and she gave me her strictest tone. “Definitely not now, but eventually.”
Carmello may have accidentally gotten Daniela pregnant, but I like to call it fate.
If I would’ve stayed, one of us would’ve eventually felt forced to do what the other wanted just because we loved each other, and I know it probably wouldn’t have been me.
Carmello might not know the love he knows as a dad.
Celia wouldn’t have had any time to experience that kind of happiness either.
And I think I feel some peace in knowing Carmello and I both got the chance to experience different types of joy without sacrificing what we wanted when we were young.
“Teddy’s really special,” I say to Carmello.
“Last week, he wanted to help me with the questions.” Carmello’s eyebrows shoot up and I smile.
“Don’t worry, we stuck with the appropriate ones, but I remember him saying What if this one hurts someone’s feelings?
He was right, so I tossed that question out and thought to myself: Mello’s son is more emotionally intelligent than most of the grown men I’ve met.
” It’s Carmello’s turn to laugh. A beautiful sound that kicks the natural pacemaker in my chest out of rhythm. “I’m so proud of you.”
Carmello exhales. “You know, I never look for a clap on the back for doing normal things as a parent, but I’ll admit, those words feel incredible coming from you.”
I wink at him. “I can say them again if you want.”
“Tell me a moment that changed your life instead.”
When he takes the chicken out of the pan and puts it on a plate, I watch oil seep into the paper towel below.
I want to devour them while scorching hot, taste grease on my tongue, but I should pace myself if we’re going to eat a full plate soon, because the moment that changed my life most had many effects—one of them was on my relationship with food.
I tilt my head at Carmello. “Do you remember how I’d get really painful periods?”
He doesn’t miss a beat. “You’d be laid out for days from the cramps. Always nauseous.”
His tone causes me to remember the doubt in Michael’s voice whenever I’d “complain” about being in pain.
How hurt he’d look if I didn’t want to have sex because of it.
But Carmello isn’t dismissive as he recalls the past, and I don’t need further proof that his momma’s spirit was well taken care of during her hard last days.
In a big contrast from the heart-feelings, it also brings a flash of heat between my legs knowing he’d care for me in bed.
I ignore that thought and tell him about a day working as a sous-chef at a Michelin-starred restaurant in Houston.
The head chef was already barking at me for being slow and critiquing my dishes the whole afternoon, but when something sharp twisted in my pelvis, I doubled over.
Nearly blacked out, the pain was so excruciating, and all I could hear was the sound of him fussing.
Someone check on what’s wrong with this woman. We’ve got to get these orders out.
Carmello’s compassion and empathy are other traits I love about him.
He doesn’t get angry too often, but when he does, sometimes it’s quick to shoot to the surface.
His head snaps up from the stove, and I can see in his eyes that, if he were there, this chef would’ve been cussed the fuck out.
He’s not done cooking, but he shuts off the stove.
The muscles in his jaw are tight before he lets out a long breath and walks backward until he’s leaning against the counter opposite of mine. “Keep going,” he says.
Oof. I’m not sure whether to pay attention to the tingles shooting through my body at his protectiveness, or how I suddenly feel exposed being in his direct eyeline.